So depressed don't know

[ericw899]

I'm a 22 year old virgin male, and am beyond depressed by the fact that I can't find anyone. I hardly have any friends, and don't have the confidence to approach women at the bar, so I primarily stick to online dating.

 

The thing is when you are an average to below-average looking male, online is not a great place. I get maybe 1 or 2 matches on Tinder or bumble per week and the women are either unattractive or live too far away. Then if I do find a good match, we will talk for a couple days then she will ghost me.

 

I went on a date this past Sunday and I thought it went great, but she told me never to reach out to her again as she accused me of checking out our waitress. (I was absolutely not). So pretty much now that she is off the table and the other 1 or 2 women I have talked to ghosted me, leaves me feeling like I will never find anyone as it is so hard to even find someone looking to talk to me let alone actually going on a date and forming something meaningful.

[olivetree]

You should focus on feeling better about yourself before dating or you'll ruin a relationship.

 

If you don't think you look that good, improve it. Work out, eat right, change up your style.

 

Improve your social life. Join clubs, meetups, find new hobbies - just get out there and fake it till you make it with confidence.

 

Become more interesting. Travel, read books, do ****.

 

Focus on that first and not only will your whole life improve, you'll attract more women, and probably more women you would actually want to date too.

 

Sorry it's not the easy fix you probably want. If you want that, I'd say just aim lower.

[d0nnivain]

1-2 matches per week seems like pretty good #s.

 

You need to work on your self confidence. Do that. Read self help books. learn to like yourself.

 

Be interesting. Have hobbies that you enjoy & that make you happy.

 

Enlarge your circle of friends too. The more social you are the easier it will be to meet new people for potential dates. It's scary & tough but you have to put yourself out there.

[Nilfiry]

I hate to be the one to say this, but you could also learn some patience. 22 is pretty young to be worrying about not finding a mate, and honestly, I would put more thought and energy into building up my career and finances than worrying about the opposite sex. When you are successful, you naturally attract more people and have more confidence in yourself.

 

Also, have you tried hitting up your old high school/college friends?

[ericw899]

I hate to be the one to say this, but you could also learn some patience. 22 is pretty young to be worrying about not finding a mate, and honestly, I would put more thought and energy into building up my career and finances than worrying about the opposite sex. When you are successful, you naturally attract more people and have more confidence in yourself.

 

Also, have you tried hitting up your old high school/college friends?

 

The frustrating thing is that I already am stable career wise. I make close to $50,000 a year and will continue getting raises from there, have a pension, my own medical, my own dental and own a car, a truck and a quad. I feel like I'm ready to settle down and share my life with someone, as everything else about my life I'm happy where I'm at. It's just a HUGE gaping hole being alone.

[Nilfiry]

The frustrating thing is that I already am stable career wise. I make close to $50,000 a year and will continue getting raises from there, have a pension, my own medical, my own dental and own a car, a truck and a quad. I feel like I'm ready to settle down and share my life with someone, as everything else about my life I'm happy where I'm at. It's just a HUGE gaping hole being alone.

 

Nah, that is just a start. Wait until you have a decent savings too. Right now, you are in a good place, but by no means are you as stable as you think you are. But seriously, if your career and finances are in order, you have even more reason to take your time. If you rush into things and end up getting divorced, you are basically going to lose half of everything you just mentioned, plus a whole lot of unnecessary drama.

 

Yeah, it can be frustrating to not have a significant other, but life is about more than just settling down, starting a family, and then getting yourself into the same old routine every single day. When you get a partner and the eventual kids, your priorities and goals are going to change, and you may not necessarily be able to do the things that you could when you were single and successful.

 

Here is what I propose for you to potentially solve your depression while increasing the odds of finding someone.... Instead of wasting time with online dating and unreliable dates, how about you just get yourself out there and enjoy life. While you are single, unfettered, and have money to spare, get out there and do stuff--go see things, climb a mountain, visit a new city, master a new skill or sport, travel. The more you experience, the more your mind will feel liberated and the more your perspective on life will change. At the same time, by being out there, you expose yourself to new people and ideas that will help you not only better understand yourself to know what you want in life, but also increases your chances of finding someone that just so happens to share the same thoughts or interests that you have. You will probably find more satisfying and lasting relationships this way too. Try it and see. You are still young now (and full of energy and vitality), so do it for a few years and see how it works for you.

[d0nnivain]

Have you tried meeting someone through work? Not at work but at seminars or networking events. Obviously you are accomplished in your field. Leverage that to your advantage.

[ericw899]

Have you tried meeting someone through work? Not at work but at seminars or networking events. Obviously you are accomplished in your field. Leverage that to your advantage.

 

I understand what you are saying but I work in a very small nit blue collar place with only older men (50+). In other words we go to work do our 8 hours then go home. There really are not work get together or chances to meet people unless it’s a coworkers family member which I’m not trying to get tied up in an awkward situation.

[HiCrunchy]

I'm a 22 year old virgin male, and am beyond depressed by the fact that I can't find anyone. I hardly have any friends, and don't have the confidence to approach women at the bar, so I primarily stick to online dating.

 

The thing is when you are an average to below-average looking male, online is not a great place. I get maybe 1 or 2 matches on Tinder or bumble per week and the women are either unattractive or live too far away. Then if I do find a good match, we will talk for a couple days then she will ghost me.

 

I went on a date this past Sunday and I thought it went great, but she told me never to reach out to her again as she accused me of checking out our waitress. (I was absolutely not). So pretty much now that she is off the table and the other 1 or 2 women I have talked to ghosted me, leaves me feeling like I will never find anyone as it is so hard to even find someone looking to talk to me let alone actually going on a date and forming something meaningful.

 

If you are a below average male it is expected that you will attract a below average female. People generally stick to their league (tho of course there are exceptions).

 

But I think it isn't healthy to get into the mindset of not being able to find anyone.

If there are things about your body you can change (like weight or getting muscle) then change those things and try to accept the things that you cannot change.

Edited November 3, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[ericw899]

If you are a below average male it is expected that you will attract a below average female. People generally stick to their league (tho of course there are exceptions).

 

But I think it isn't healthy to get into the mindset of not being able to find anyone.

If there are things about your body you can change (like weight or getting muscle) then change those things and try to accept the things that you cannot change.

 

Honestly, I never thought I was below average, until I joined online dating and saw how few of responses/matches I get. I came to the conclusion that it must be because I'm ugly, since what else is there to judge online? I am a bit thin for someone my height (180 lbs, 6'3") and I used to have a ton of acne but 95% has cleared up. I really don't know what it is as I'm not short, fat, covered in acne, have messy hair and on top of that I consider myself to have really nice blue eyes

[GTR King]

Your on the right tracks...

 

You need to focus on being your self...

 

Make your life interesting do things like Join a club go to the GYM Etc

girls love interesting men you should also Make your OLD Profile interesting and try to banter with girls and keep them interested. your only 22 so load of time to find someone no need to rush, you will find someone one day

 

You ever tried speed dating or Match.com etc?

[HiCrunchy]

Honestly, I never thought I was below average, until I joined online dating and saw how few of responses/matches I get. I came to the conclusion that it must be because I'm ugly, since what else is there to judge online? I am a bit thin for someone my height (180 lbs, 6'3") and I used to have a ton of acne but 95% has cleared up. I really don't know what it is as I'm not short, fat, covered in acne, have messy hair and on top of that I consider myself to have really nice blue eyes

 

hmm maybe your not, I was just going based on your previous post. Honestly, sometimes there is a just a bit a luck that goes into dating.

Your height and job are making a pretty good catch (assuming your personality and other habits are fine too).

 

Only thing I could think of is trying to get a little muscle on you so you don't seem too fragile. Make sure to moisturize your face and use acne medicine.

 

There also might be an issue with your profile itself. Boring pictures of you not doing anything.

 

I know its hard, but try and keep a positive attitude. Wishing you the best.

[ericw899]

Your on the right tracks...

 

You need to focus on being your self...

 

Make your life interesting do things like Join a club go to the GYM Etc

girls love interesting men you should also Make your OLD Profile interesting and try to banter with girls and keep them interested. your only 22 so load of time to find someone no need to rush, you will find someone one day

 

You ever tried speed dating or Match.com etc?

 

I never have tried dating sites that you have to pay for but I imagine the girls are of higher quality. I guess the reason I feel there is a rush is because I'm a virgin and when a man is 22 and still a virgin that comes across odd to women, and if I'm lucky enough to find one, she will think something is wrong with me.

[ericw899]

hmm maybe your not, I was just going based on your previous post. Honestly, sometimes there is a just a bit a luck that goes into dating.

Your height and job are making a pretty good catch (assuming your personality and other habits are fine too).

 

Only thing I could think of is trying to get a little muscle on you so you don't seem too fragile. Make sure to moisturize your face and use acne medicine.

 

There also might be an issue with your profile itself. Boring pictures of you not doing anything.

 

I know its hard, but try and keep a positive attitude. Wishing you the best.

 

I know my personality could be a turnoff in person, not because I'm like a jerk or anything, but I suffer from a lot of social anxiety so I may come across weird or boring in person until I get to know someone better. I have also been accused of being too nice or a pushover which I wish I knew how to fix.

[Garcon1986]

There you go - social anxiety. Women care a lot about your presentation. When a lady is looking for a date, she's generally going to want the whole package, just like you want the whole package when looking for a successful lady. Social anxiety is going to ruin your chances even if you have a lot to offer. It's also important to get into dating for the right reasons... There is only a grazy fuzzy line between getting into a relationship because you feel rushed, and finding a woman whose social skills are good enough to trick you into marriage, and then run away or create conflict, such that you divorce and she gets a mandated cash payout from you (courts dividing your assets). So here's what I propose to you:

 

1. Start spending a few weeks consistently socializing with women without the pressure of getting a date. Women don't want to be "sold" on dates salesman style, they want to feel comfortable about doing a date. Most times the anxiety comes from forcing yourself to get her number, or a demand for getting a date. Just spend the time getting comfortable. It is an unfair rule of the jungle, that you will be rejected based upon social anxiety, no matter how much you have to offer, from the more confident preppy frat bros. So you've got to fix this as your first priority.

 

2. At the same time, seek out a trusted friend, or friendgirl, to read your online dating profiles. I would focus on pictures that show all the ways in which you can be fun. Don't tell someone you are fun, go straight to the evidence. Write a profile text that is entertaining to your lady friend, and at the same time describes what you are. You should spend one paragraph describing what you care about in a lady. If you don't know right now, no problem! Spend more time socializing with women without dating pressure, so you can get to know the very different way in which they see the world. At the same time, pick the pictures of yourself that make you look as dashing as possible. My friendgirls in Mississippi would very likely say, hey that's kind of hot, to your blue eyes.

 

3. Then go snag a date - offer a date a soon as you think it's natural. Never ask their permission, that sounds weak. Offer a date at somewhere fun to the both of you. Women find it more attractive if you have a pretty clear idea of what type of lady you care about. For me, I get the hots for ladies who can step on stage, and talk about astrophysics (or anything else where she understands it backwards and forwards, and I can see the light in her eyes, that shows how much she adores her subject).

 

4. Then go back and reflect on your date, and ponder if you think that was the kind of date you would like to keep up. Don't string along a girl if you have lots of doubts. She'll appreciate it if you say no thanks up front, before a lot of emotional attachment happens. Professional, well to do, mature ladies don't like being manipulated any more than you do.

 

Feel free to share with us your profile text, we can help clean it up. We can also give dating advice after your first date.

You are not a lesser man for not having dated, despite what American social norms say. No woman is allowed to make you feel like a lesser man for being a virgin, unless you are giving your permission. I was a virgin until I was 27, and I'm still a successful cardiologist now. Women like me very much at work. You can achieve the same social success with the right kind of work and attitude.

[d0nnivain]

I understand what you are saying but I work in a very small nit blue collar place with only older men (50+). In other words we go to work do our 8 hours then go home. There really are not work get together or chances to meet people unless it’s a coworkers family member which I’m not trying to get tied up in an awkward situation.

 

Where does the blue collar place get customers? Perhaps you can volunteer to be the person who goes to the local chamber of commerce meetings & other local networking events to drum up business. I met my husband at a business card exchange. As much as the single people at this things want new business, they also want human connections

 

Every industry has continuing education opportunities for members to sharpen their skills. Attend those & seek out others in your field.

 

Just because you aren't the salesforce at work. doesn't mean you can help to enlarge the bottom line. Your boss will be grateful.

 

I suffer from a lot of social anxiety so I may come across weird or boring in person until I get to know someone better. I have also been accused of being too nice or a pushover which I wish I knew how to fix.

 

These are two things you are going to have to work at. Like anything else you can practice being in social situations. Learning to network & develop business will help. It's a skill. Have a good handshake. Make eye contact.

 

Read some self help books. Read or watch some of the stuff put out by the so-called Pick Up Artists, these "gurus" who claim to be able to help men be more successful with women. Corey Wayne is probably the most well known. DO NOT treat what he says as a bible or something you must follow verbatim but apply the foundation which is be more confident.

 

Also join a local group doing something you like to enlarge your social circle. Play a sport. Go to a meetup group. Volunteer doing something you care about.

[Garcon1986]

Men will on average do something you recommend, because it's the right thing to do, or the logical thing to do. Women will on average, do something you recommend because they feel good about it. Two different approaches. Use it to your advantage. Anxiety can be cured. I was previously anxious social nervous nelly Asian boy, now I do great.

[ericw899]

Thank you all for your help

 

Side note though, I just found out my ex is in a relationship...It's like it never ends

[Garcon1986]

She probably found something a bit off putting about your countenance at some point, she maybe was unfaithful to begin with... if you ponder that you will go towards an emotional black hole. Best to be happy and fun as possible. I know its hard but reach out to the motley crue on LoveShack and your friends. You can do it old chap.

[ericw899]

So I took everyone’s advice & went out to the bar with my friend. I wound up drunk & making out with her in an alley. So I guess you can say I feel better but now I’m really confused because she has never made a move on me before (15 year friendship) & she’s has a boyfriend...oops

[d0nnivain]

Don't be confused. The make out session with your friend was a drunken mistake. Take as proof that you are still desirable. Then act like it never happened unless she tells you that she broke up with her BF & wants to date you. Then you have to decide if you want to date her but beware that you don't make her a rebound.

[Garcon1986]

Well I didn't mean get sloshed and make weird decisions

 

So if this woman is looking for all this attention, maybe she's just fixed on getting the rush from lots of men seeking her out. This is pretty addictive stuff. You will have to keep up the strength and determination to find a new lady, unless you want the drama of being a third wheel, or even worse, having a new guy attack you for trying to steal his girlfriend? Drama and no drama are essentially mutually exclusive old chap. A lot of bad things can happen with this train of thought.

 

Maybe you like beer - there's nothing intrinsically wrong with being a beer fan. Maybe not use so much that you start to make regrettable decisions.

[ericw899]

Well I didn't mean get sloshed and make weird decisions

 

So if this woman is looking for all this attention, maybe she's just fixed on getting the rush from lots of men seeking her out. This is pretty addictive stuff. You will have to keep up the strength and determination to find a new lady, unless you want the drama of being a third wheel, or even worse, having a new guy attack you for trying to steal his girlfriend? Drama and no drama are essentially mutually exclusive old chap. A lot of bad things can happen with this train of thought.

 

Maybe you like beer - there's nothing intrinsically wrong with being a beer fan. Maybe not use so much that you start to make regrettable decisions.

 

I mean yes 100% she loves male attention. She is talking to 2 other guys while having a boyfriend & made out with me last night! Thing is I have had a crush on her for almost 15 years so I can't say I didn't like the kiss, I actually did and don't regret it. I just think it will never happen again and that kind of sucks

[d0nnivain]

If you want to date her, tell her that but make sure she understands that the BF has to go 1st.

[ericw899]

If you want to date her, tell her that but make sure she understands that the BF has to go 1st.

 

I think the bf is about to go anyway. Part of me would love to date her but the other part knows I could never trust her. She talks to and tries to get with way too many guys. The best I think we could be would be FWB because I don't think she can truly commit to anybody in an honest fashion.