Wondering about LS females' 'lack of success'

[nospam99]

I've been on LS for a bit over a year. I'm an 'older' guy looking for an LTR. Going is slow but I haven't lost patience (yet). But I'm curious about some of the ladies here who are somewhat 'regular' posters and who also, at least 'sound' like they're (also) looking for an LTR and not having success.

 

What makes me curious is that I've been using OLD and ... gee ... there are a TON of women out there. So I assume there are also a ton of men. (If not y'all may enlighten me.) So what's the problem? Not really a lot of men? Too many 'creeps', ugly ducklings, guys with too much baggage or otherwise 'damaged goods'? Ladies using bad pickers, not willing to 'make the first move', or 'challenged' with respect to their own appearance or their own baggage?

 

Women may be too shy to discuss their goals and tactics. But if not, is this worth discussing? Assuming reasonably good appearance (yeah, totally subjective) and no deal-breaking baggage (still attached to ex, health problems including substance abuse, criminal record), based on my experience I'd be surprised if with patience and initiative a woman couldn't 'find' what she's looking for via either OLD or speed dating. Even though I haven't 'scored' the relationship I'm seeking yet, it's been just too easy to meet many women who have so much going for them. Last hypothetical question about this - are they (the profiles I see online, the women I've met, and the frustrated LS women as well) simply holding out for a unicorn?

[PRW]

Well, I'm not a woman but I have had some observations on this.

 

This seems to be even more prevalent with middle aged people (and older).

 

When a guy doesn't know what he is doing he fails by picking the bad ones or if he picks a good one he just screws it up.

 

If a guy does know what he is doing he weeds out the bad ones sooner and doesn't get involved with them. Even if there is nothing "wrong" with them he may still see that they just aren't a good match. But then he soon finds out that all the good ones are in successful relationships already,...may still be married to their original husband,...are successful in their marriages. So the "market" is full of ones who just aren't going to fit the bill.

 

I'm sure the women think the same thing of the guys if they are dating in middle age or older.

 

The hard truth is that people who are single that late in life, particularly if they have been single for a considerable time, probably have some kind of issues causing them to be single. I know why it happened to me and have spent a few years fixing that, but fixing it so late in the game might mean it is just too little too late when combined with the few choices that are out there on the market.

 

Online Dating sites are mainly a congregation of the worst options.

[preraph]

While you may find some older women just looking for some fun and conversation, some of them may be looking for a perfect fit. Because the older we get, the less we want to adapt. A woman who has been married before maybe a time or two might be more flexible than one who has either not been married like myself or had one long marriage and is either looking for what they had or unsure what they're looking for and truly probably just need to be on their own for awhile.

 

I know at an older age, women are not usually looking for someone who will be a burden to them but who will do their part in every way, from finances to housework, because it becomes harder as you get older to do the basic things you have to do. Most women aren't looking for a man who is retired and will be home all day because too much time together isn't fun at some point and distracts you from your own routine and can be exhausting.

 

Many older women may have trouble with sex for any one of a myriad of physical reasons that plague older women.

 

And, of course, some older women and men may simply not find the people they can get attractive. I don't think I've ever seen a man I thought was attractive who was within 20 years of my age, but I'm not looking, so it doesn't matter. Who I would find attractive are guys who I knew when they were young because then I remember them how they were in my head and still can see them in there somewhere. And likewise, I want them to have known me when I was at my best so they recognize that part of me still, and a new person simply isn't going to be able to have that perspective. As an older woman, that would be my main focus, finding someone from my generation and not only generation, but subculture, so we understand each other.

 

So that type thing really narrows the field, but fortunately, not all women and men are like that. As with younger people, some are more specialized, some more mainstream and diverse.

[grays]

I’m 48 and, I think, reasonably attractive. I don’t have much in the way of baggage. I do have two kids but I don’t think that’s been a problem for any of the men I’ve dated. I do think it’s more likely to work with a guy who also has kids and understands the limitations that go along with it.

 

A perfect fit is so hard to find. And I don’t need *perfect* — I’ve fallen for three people since my divorce, and none of them have been perfect. Once I fall for someone, I am pretty accepting. But I have dated a ton of guys and only three felt right to me. They’re the only ones that have given me butterflies. Before I met the second one I felt like dating was like banging my head against the wall. It just seemed that I liked these guys I was dating but couldn’t make anything stick with them. But as soon as I met guy number two, and it was practically a love at first sight thing (or at least by date #4), I realized that liking someone isn’t enough. There’s some extra twist that has to be there to pull me in and keep me working for it. And I realized my problem wasn’t that I was unable to make it work, it was just that I didn’t have that spark with those guys. Some of them were 95% right but there was something off about how we related to each other.

 

Sadly, two of them were lying to me about being single. The first one was a marine got orders to move a few months after we started dating and I didn’t find out he was married until we were planning a trip together a year after he had left. I saw some red flags and googled my little heart out and low and behold found that he and his wife had been together for 16 years. They both lied to me so much. But I think the problem for me (and probably a lot of women) is that I go for the marrying type. But most of those guys are actually married. These two were complete frauds, but they were good at intimacy and that’s what I’m craving. And at my age, almost all the guys I meet are either married or players.

 

The third, and current, guy is pretty much wedded to his career. He’s completely not the marrying type but also not a liar or a player. I’m crazy over him, but I’m afraid that his work is going to make things impossible. And my fear is that I’m going to sink years into this guy and then be left high and dry when I’m too old to start over (either because I’m too jaded or because I just don’t have the energy to be putting myself out there). I’ve been thinking about him constantly this last week, wondering if I’ll save myself heartache in the future by bailing now or if to get to a really good thing with him I have to be patient. If I knew we were gonna live happily ever after, I’d be happy to not see him for a month at a time. I’m a busy person and I actually kind of like the idea of having someone out there that’s devoted to me but I don’t see that often, at least for the time being. But I don’t wanna look up in five years and realize it isn’t working. And at the rate we’re going it could take five years to realize that. It’s been a year and a half already but I often go a month without seeing him so it feels like we’re just getting comfortable with each other.

 

The answer to your question is that it’s just really ****ing hard to make all the stars line up. I’ve met very few guys that I feel right about and either they’re liars or there’s something else that makes it too hard to be with them.

[preraph]

This is as good a thread as any to give old fat people a ray of hope, I guess. I'm really big and huge fat and 66, and I'm not looking, but every now and then I still get a little interest here and there, so it's not impossible. I mean, physically, I'm in the least desirable classification there is and I'm just saying this to give people a little hope.

 

I was loading my groceries into my trunk a couple of days ago. I have a torn meniscus in my knee plus my hips and back hurt if I would walk very far, so I use a scooter at the grocery store. The guy parked next to me just said hi. It was the first pretty day after a couple months of rain, so I just said lots of people were out since it was finally a pretty day. And he just kept talking and we were on the subject of leaks from the rain and I told him I had a big one now. He gave me lots of advice and turns out he was an ex-roofer, now disabled with a fused back. Anyway, I know he was hinting we stay in touch, but I didn't do it because I'm not looking for a man, though he seemed like a nice one if I was. I felt kind of bad not meeting him halfway in case he just wanted a friend -- but then I remembered Loveshack and that most guys aren't just looking for a friend. But he'll find someone because he wasn't afraid to start a conversation.

 

Just saying, they're out there for all of us. It's those type opportunities we need to grasp, though, if we're looking for a person, instead of wasting so much time seeing how many levels up we can go in looks catalog shopping dating sites.

[grays]

That’s a really nice anecdote, preraph. ❤️ I do worry a lot about getting too old and also losing my looks before I catch some poor bastard. And those are ****ty thoughts. I am sure people fall in love long past their prime and maybe those lives are particularly sweet given that they’re not gonna be about looks so much. If I could put those fears away, I could enjoy what I have without the anxiety of time marching on.

[grays]

That’s a really nice anecdote, preraph. ❤️ I do worry a lot about getting too old and also losing my looks before I catch some poor bastard. And those are ****ty thoughts. I am sure people fall in love long past their prime and maybe those lives are particularly sweet given that they’re not gonna be about looks so much. If I could put those fears away, I could enjoy what I have without the anxiety of time marching on.

 

You know, I think most men don’t think this way. On our second date a year and a half ago, I asked my current guy if he wanted a girlfriend. I wasn’t even thinking I wanted to be his girlfriend, but more trying to figure out where he was in life. He said he did not and that he doesn’t feel like there’s anything he’s missing in life, he liked things just as they were. And he told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend 8 years earlier and had only been on a few unfruitful dates since. So I asked if he would be ok if he lived to be 90 and never had a real life partner (he’s 46 now). And he was like, of course that won’t happen, when his life calms down (work stuff) of course he’ll be with someone. But I sensed no anxiety about it. He was so matter of fact. I wish I could be that way. And in fact, I was that way in relation to him for the first year we were seeing each other because I had fwb-zoned him because of that conversation. Now that things have escalated between us I’m full of anxiety about him. Ugh.

[central]

In my dating experience as a man, I found that less than 1% of women were sufficiently good matches to be prospects for a long term relationship. No doubt, the complementary perspective is true for women. If all I want is a fling or FWB, then perhaps 10-20% of the women I'd be willing to meet (or have met) would be a sufficiently good match. And I know within 2 or 3 dates into which group (long term, or short term) someone falls.

[preraph]

You know, I think most men don’t think this way. On our second date a year and a half ago, I asked my current guy if he wanted a girlfriend. I wasn’t even thinking I wanted to be his girlfriend, but more trying to figure out where he was in life. He said he did not and that he doesn’t feel like there’s anything he’s missing in life, he liked things just as they were. And he told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend 8 years earlier and had only been on a few unfruitful dates since. So I asked if he would be ok if he lived to be 90 and never had a real life partner (he’s 46 now). And he was like, of course that won’t happen, when his life calms down (work stuff) of course he’ll be with someone. But I sensed no anxiety about it. He was so matter of fact. I wish I could be that way. And in fact, I was that way in relation to him for the first year we were seeing each other because I had fwb-zoned him because of that conversation. Now that things have escalated between us I’m full of anxiety about him. Ugh.

 

Back then, he was probably thinking he'd be happy just dating around, but now he has you and I whether it was his intent to settle down yet or not, I bet he kind of falls into that. You should probably reopen a conversation sometime. He didn't say "never." So we know he wanted to encourage you.

[grays]

Back then, he was probably thinking he'd be happy just dating around, but now he has you and I whether it was his intent to settle down yet or not, I bet he kind of falls into that. You should probably reopen a conversation sometime. He didn't say "never." So we know he wanted to encourage you.

 

Yes! That’s what I’ve been hoping lately, that he’s getting attached and reconsidering that no girlfriend thing. I did open up the discussion a couple weeks ago. I texted him a day or two after his last visit and told him I was liking him more every time I saw him but I didn’t want to go too far down that road if he wasn’t feeling the same. And he said I should go with it and he feels it too. He came back just a few days ago and I’m pretty sure he had to move some stuff around in order to get here and see me. So, I think there’s reason for optimism. I feel a little scared that I’m his good time girl and when he’s ready for a real girlfriend he’ll go find one. Only time will tell, I guess.

[alphamale]

women tend to be looking for their prince charming who is handsome, rich, has a good body and has no kids. they are looking for the perfect man and he doesn't really exist so they stay at home on Saturday nights watching ROMCOM movies and eating bon bons

[Timshel]

women tend to be looking for their prince charming who is handsome, rich, has a good body and has no kids. they are looking for the perfect man and he doesn't really exist so they stay at home on Saturday nights watching ROMCOM movies and eating bon bons

 

 

You always crack me up alpha. I have a man who is handsome with no kids.

 

What is Romcom? What are bon bons? Oh, left over Halloween candy. Well, I need to stop posting, prince charming wants attention.

 

 

Adios

[alphamale]

You always crack me up alpha. I have a man who is handsome with no kids.

 

What is Romcom? What are bon bons? Oh, left over Halloween candy. Well, I need to stop posting, prince charming wants attention.

 

 

Adios

:lmao:

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have an unusual personality, I only truly click with a few people, probably less than 0.1%. I need someone that is weird and quirky but at the same time has a stable job and his life together (no ex wives hanging around, no unresolved kid issues with the ex, no substance abuse, no big debt, no major mental illness...). If I just want some companioship/FWB which I periodically do, that % goes up to 10% or so. At my age, with so few singles I know it's just not gonna happen.

 

 

In my experience, none of the quality men ever had to use OLD.

[carhill]

.

 

 

In my experience, none of the quality men ever had to use OLD.

 

While the definition of 'quality' can vary by person, I generally agree that people who are good at relationships/marriage and have had consistently healthy ones from a young age, at least healthy for while they were, usually move on quickly and decisively in real life and don't bother with the electronic stuff.

 

In my social circle, both men and women who have filed for divorce generally have a new partner before the divorce is final. Women seem to do better than men in that regard as to speed but both move on quickly, regardless of marital length. Those people also had the great dating experiences in high school and college. Some had married from those experiences.

 

My exW is a perfect example.... met a new guy while we were still married but considering divorce at the time, moved him in when we filed, been with him for nearly ten years since. I'm still alone after that same time, by choice. She was married right out of high school and I was her third. She was my first, at 40. She never lacked for male attention in real life, even while we were married. She knew how to work men. No electronics needed. TBH, the only reason I think we happened to meet was because she was dabbling in the then new world of the internet and online dating. It wasn't because she was without options or lacked success but rather because it was something new and different at the time. She told me straight out she was dating other guys after we met in person.

 

 

I don't personally know any women who lack 'success'. I do know a few who are divorced and living alone like myself, by choice. They'll tell you all about it. No complaints about dating failures, rather zero interest in men as a relationship option. Done.

[nospam99]

In my experience, none of the quality men ever had to use OLD.

 

LOL .... Now I'm personally insulted. Though I guess I don't HAVE to use OLD ... I could be an unkempt hermit instead. However my surviving parent doesn't have a basement so I'll HAVE to live in my own basement

[littleblackheart]

44, single for enough that well-intended friends are starting to wonder why and offer to set me up on a regular basis, never dated online, only one LTR to date (but other stuff) and zero interest or intentions for things to change.

 

Other than the fact that I have 2 young kids and need forever to get to know someone, I have established standards that are so high that no-one can actually meet them. The simple fact is, I like to be single more than I like to be in a relationship.

 

Based on my experience and a couple of other people I know, all else being equal and when all bases are covered (physical, emotional and mental health, work situation, family situation, self-awareness, good timing - basically no major issues or hang-ups), I genuinely think that anyone who lacks 'success' (I don't know what that means) and is actively looking doesn't want to be in a relationship that badly.

 

Everyone else who isn't happily single has, imo, something holding them back, that they may not be aware of themselves.

[alphamale]

The simple fact is, I like to be single more than I like to be in a relationship.

 

that pretty much sums it up for me also. i'm 53 and the older I get the less I want to be in a committed relationship.

[Gretchen12]

I tried online dating for the first time earlier this year. I met someone within a week and we were both quite serious about each other. Turned out he had insecurity issues and other psychological problems. That ended quickly.

Then I moved to a more remote location and whoa! big change. I looked online again for local men and they're all so unattractive!

I am convinced that location is everything. In certain cities men hit on me. In other towns, nothing. Online reflects that when you set your location.

All my life the men who hit on me in real life are good looking and smart. No creeps. That's how I met the men in my long term relationships. But now I discovered OLD is different. Any weird guy might send me a message. That same weird guy probably wouldn't try to talk to me in real life because I send the "do not approach" vibes out to the creeps and the insecure.

As for relationships, based on only this one OLD relationship experience I had earlier in the year, I'd have to say they don't last as long?

I am now in a long distance relationship with a guy who cold approached me back when I lived there. I guess if things get real serious then I'll move back to the city to be with him. Nothing going on here.

[PRW]

I tried online dating for the first time earlier this year. I met someone within a week and we were both quite serious about each other. Turned out he had insecurity issues and other psychological problems. That ended quickly.

 

That seems to be the case with a lot of guys out there,...at least the insecurity part anyway. 4 or so years ago I was one of those needy insecure guys that wanted to latch onto any woman that would pay attention. After several years of doing a massive life change, I crawled out of that pit. But I still remember what it was like, and now when I look around me at other "single" guys (and some married ones) I just see that everywhere. It's like an epidemic, and a good reason why so many women have become jaded.

[Chilli]

I tried online dating for the first time earlier this year. I met someone within a week and we were both quite serious about each other. Turned out he had insecurity issues and other psychological problems. That ended quickly.

Then I moved to a more remote location and whoa! big change. I looked online again for local men and they're all so unattractive!

I am convinced that location is everything. In certain cities men hit on me. In other towns, nothing. Online reflects that when you set your location.

All my life the men who hit on me in real life are good looking and smart. No creeps. That's how I met the men in my long term relationships. But now I discovered OLD is different. Any weird guy might send me a message. That same weird guy probably wouldn't try to talk to me in real life because I send the "do not approach" vibes out to the creeps and the insecure.

As for relationships, based on only this one OLD relationship experience I had earlier in the year, I'd have to say they don't last as long?

I am now in a long distance relationship with a guy who cold approached me back when I lived there. I guess if things get real serious then I'll move back to the city to be with him. Nothing going on here.

 

 

All works the same for guys . Most of the women online seemed pretty messed up.

But you basically try it to hopefully just find that that one needle in the haystack. You'd be dreamin if you didn't know the odds though are pretty slim.

Move to a bad area , same, horrible looking women,slobs, messed up,you name it, a good area, honeys everywhere and a few sane ones too hopefully.

And on and on it goes.

Read around , look around , life, it's much the same deal for guys or gals or an equivalent in nearly every way.

[PRW]

All works the same for guys . Most of the women online seemed pretty messed up.

But you basically try it to hopefully just find that that one needle in the haystack. You'd be dreamin if you didn't know the odds though are pretty slim.

Move to a bad area , same, horrible looking women,slobs, messed up,you name it, a good area, honeys everywhere and a few sane ones too hopefully.

And on and on it goes.

Read around , look around , life, it's much the same deal for guys or gals or an equivalent in nearly every way.

 

In the end the quality people who had their act together got married early in their 20's and never got divorced. Or if they did get divorced they had no trouble meeting another and re-marrying. So they are not, and never really spend any time "on the market".

 

The singles when you hit middle age, particularly with the Online crap, it is just The Land of Misfit Toys. Even if someone does a lot of personal improvement on themselves isn't much better off because they find that very few others have done the same, so in a way they have isolated themselves even further (but at least they have a better quality of life, even if alone).

 

This kind of a depressing thread

[JuneL]

That seems to be the case with a lot of guys out there,...at least the insecurity part anyway. 4 or so years ago I was one of those needy insecure guys that wanted to latch onto any woman that would pay attention. After several years of doing a massive life change, I crawled out of that pit. But I still remember what it was like, and now when I look around me at other "single" guys (and some married ones) I just see that everywhere. It's like an epidemic, and a good reason why so many women have become jaded.

 

Can you provide some concrete examples of what these insecure guys tend to do?

[PRW]

Can you provide some concrete examples of what these insecure guys tend to do?

 

Aw man! You're asking me to write a book!

 

I'll try to list a few. Some might be mildly exaggerated to make the point more clear.

 

1. Thinks she is his girlfriend as soon as he gets a yes for the first date (hasn't even got to the date yet). He may deny this verbally but his actions show otherwise
   
2. Blows up her phone with daily chit-chat, usually by text.
   
3. Blows up her social media as well, but the phone in #2 is more common
   
4. He tries to "lock her down" to a commitment after only a couple dates,...often because he is afraid another guy will steal her from him.
   
5. As part of #4 is caught up in "labels". He wants that label of boyfriend and to label her his girlfriend as soon as possible and wants to tell everybody he knows about it.
   
6. Is a "pleaser" (the annoying kind).
   
7. Can't make a decision, always defers to the woman to decide where to go, what to do, what time, etc.
   
8. Pedistalizes the woman and followers her around like a puppydog hoping to be allowed in the house.
   
9. Gets very uncomfortable, feels threatened, if she talks to other guys
   
10. He may become a shady "detective", or a stalker, if he feels his position is threatened (snooping on her phone, driving by her house to see whose there, the list could be endless)
    

Well that is 10, I'm sure there is a lot more if I thought about it longer.

 

Most rapists and stalkers fit into this category. But in their case they may appear on the surface to be an "Alpha" but this is just an exaggerated over-compensation to hide their insecurity.

[JuneL]

I think (hope) not many guys are like this; that’s needy and clingy, and borderline creepy

 

 

Aw man! You're asking me to write a book!

 

I'll try to list a few. Some might be mildly exaggerated to make the point more clear.

 

1. Thinks she is his girlfriend as soon as he gets a yes for the first date (hasn't even got to the date yet). He may deny this verbally but his actions show otherwise
   
2. Blows up her phone with daily chit-chat, usually by text.
   
3. Blows up her social media as well, but the phone in #2 is more common
   
4. He tries to "lock her down" to a commitment after only a couple dates,...often because he is afraid another guy will steal her from him.
   
5. As part of #4 is caught up in "labels". He wants that label of boyfriend and to label her his girlfriend as soon as possible and wants to tell everybody he knows about it.
   
6. Is a "pleaser" (the annoying kind).
   
7. Can't make a decision, always defers to the woman to decide where to go, what to do, what time, etc.
   
8. Pedistalizes the woman and followers her around like a puppydog hoping to be allowed in the house.
   
9. Gets very uncomfortable, feels threatened, if she talks to other guys
   
10. He may become a shady "detective", or a stalker, if he feels his position is threatened (snooping on her phone, driving by her house to see whose there, the list could be endless)
    

Well that is 10, I'm sure there is a lot more if I thought about it longer.

 

Most rapists and stalkers fit into this category. But in their case they may appear on the surface to be an "Alpha" but this is just an exaggerated over-compensation to hide their insecurity.