Is My fiance A Cheater & A Liar? Im devastated

[Betrayed1989]

I do not know where to start and I know this is long but please help me cause I live far away from friends and family and as I am very heart broken right now. Little over a year ago I met my now fiance, he is 33 and im 29. we met at a new job we both had just started in the same day. We didnt really like each other that much at the beginning but things developed, we became friends, and we spent some nice time together and he told me he liked me.

We started dating, and took it slow and steady. Everything was amazing, we had so much in common and enjoyed each other company a lot. Till last December, 2 months into dating, He was in the shower, and a notification popped on his phone, some girl sending ”hey baby”. I kept my cool and asked him who that was, but he refused to talk, then later next day explained everything to me, that he had known her from back home. I read the conversation, there were obvious flirting and she appeared to had feelings for him. She is married and had a son and he said she still loved him. I told him I didnt wanna be with him any more and was better I discovered who he was early on. We broke up for about 3 weeks; but He wouldnt let go and kept pursuing me, and it was especially easy since we both worked together and saw each other everyday. Eventually I came back honestly thinking to myself, we have only been dating for a couple of months, its not that bad.

 

We agreed on being exclusive, he appeared to have been very regretful, and apologized over and over, and goes without saying deleted this person and promised to not talk to her again. I told him that I was ok if he had a few good friends whom are girls that he wanted to keep in touch with but he should at least be honest with me and not hide anything.

 

For the next few months, I discovered a few conversations with other girls, (not the friends we agreed on) most of which were not flirty but suspicious, we would fight and ask him to delete them, and he would sometimes get angry saying I didnt trust him. I actually thought something was wrong with me, that I was crazily jealous and suspicious. Although i was never like that.

 

I do not know how but I always have a gut feeling whenever something was wrong. Last May, I took his phone and discovered a conversation with another girl whom also was obvious had feelings for him. That was not the problem, the problem was that he hid it somewhere in Facebook conversations so I wouldnt find it, but I did. He said he was gonna tell me about it but was waiting for the right time cause I was going through some tough issues?

 

Needless to say, we sat and I had a very mature talk with him saying I didnt trust him and wanted to break up. He broke down and cried, I cried, he held me and wouldnt let go and begged me not to leave, and it was a very torturous few hours. This time we broke up for a months and a half. I made sure to reschedule my time at work so not to bump into him too much and when I did, sometimes we wouldnt even say hi. He asked his friends to talk to me, and he tried to get back countless times, he used to come and sit outside my home and swore he has changed, that he wanted to marry me, and build a life with me, and begged for forgiveness.

 

We got back again, this time I asked him to delete some of his contacts and not to talk to any girls again. He agreed. Although things were messy for a while, he would get angry whenever I asked about something or got suspicious, blaming me saying I was imagining things and that I should trust him. I would feel guilty that I didnt trust him and start working on myself.

 

I wanted to say that we both live in Dubai away from our home country, so at the time we started planning our annual leave, we both informed our families that we were coming and having our engagement in August. Things were going smooth and well, when in July, just one month before our scheduled engagement, I discovered he got really drunk and saw a chat with a girl he had been sexting. Then I saw other texts with a girl on instagram flirting and asking for her pictures, and worst of all, I saw a conv with his ex, it was one or two maybe and nothing out of the line. But it was that he hid everything from me although we agreed about being honest. Also I discovered he was going out to clubs and drinking behind my back although we agreed he wouldnt go to these places. He broke down crying, saying I was his whole life and he built everything around our relationship, that he cannot imagine losing me and literally begged. He said he wasnt a bad person and that he was sick, he asked me to support him as he was trying to change. It was hard for me to see him like this, even worse than the previous times, he gave me his phone saying he didnt need it that he cant lose me for anything or anyone. I thought about calling off the engagement but I forgave him. Again. This times I asked him to delete snapchat and Instagram and to change his phone number which he did. I ciuld see he was trying ti change and he became more religious and did everything i asked him to.

 

We went home, got engaged, came back, and although we had our problems before, and were fighting about other things, i vowed to myself to change for the best version of myself, i treated him better in every way, took him on a vacation outside the city which he enjoyed very much. I thought if I made him happy he wouldnt think of cheating. And we were very happy, we had an amazing relationship in every aspect, we had fun together, steady and passionate sex, deep conversations, conversations about our future that he was so excited about, were very supportive of each other in finding work and other stuff, his family loved me, and overall there wasnt a thing missing. He said that I fulfilled all his needs.

 

4 days ago, we went out to the beach, had an amazing day, i asked him if there was one thing he would wanna change about me what would it be, he said the jealousy.

 

Next day, (we both work at a telecommunication company so I can easily know numbers he dials) and although im not proud of it i did go to his profile and saw he called someone right after he went home after the beach. At 2 am. I got suspicious and been having this gut feeling, i confronted him he said he slept after he got home, i bluntly asked if he had talked to someone he said no. Anyways i did my research and found out he was still talking to this first girl (the married one) I felt like my whole life was falling apart. I didnt tell him yet and tried to call her to make sure but she didnt pick up and she mush have told him cause next day he made a stupid play on me asking her to make a man send him voice messages like it was his number. He acted like he was angry at me (he didnt know i knew) and it was just very heart breaking for me to watch him lying to my face like this. I felt like i didnt know him anymore, how can he be such an amazing liar and actor.

 

Anyways i confronted him and he confessed but he said he was calling her to ask her to stay away from him and that it was over between them. He said he only loved me and wanted me and that we would talk later. That was two days ago and he had been calling me till this moment and im not answering and havent seen him since.

 

I am breaking up with him this time not like the rest. But now that things are more serious and families are involved i dont think it would be easy. I know he loves mr very much and i cant bring myself to do it. . Despite all this i still love him and cant imagine not being with him, cause we are inseparable in every way. Is it the right thing to do? And how should i do it and what should i say? One day we were at the beach happy and discussing our future plans, next day i woke up betrayed and my whole life fell apart. Im so scared of the confrontation and scared of the future. Is the reasons i listed enough to break up? Or is that not cheating? I still love him.

[Zahara]

If someone loves you very much, they’re not going hurt you or behave in ways that jeopardize their relationship with you.

 

Just because he cries, begs and feeds you sweet words when he gets busted doesn’t mean someone loves you. It means that they’re hoping you’re gullible and weak enough to allow for them to pull the wool over your eyes.

 

Love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. You love him, he loves you — well, if that were enough, you wouldn’t be where you are. Sometime we may love someone but if the relationship is unhealthy for various other reasons, you still have to walk away.

 

There are other fundamental building blocks that are important towards creating a strong foundation. Trust has been broken time and time again and it’s because there have been no consequences and it’s because you’ve accepted being fooled over and over again. He’s untrustworthy and a liar and it looks like that’s not changing. And the only lesson you’ve taught him so far is that you’ll always accept poor behavior.

 

You’re young. Don’t waste your life on someone that isn’t ready for commitment. It would be tragic for you to marry him and give away your years. He’s 23 and still spreading his wings. He’s not mature or ready to maneuver a relationship let alone commitment such as marriage. And he’s shown you that over and over again.

 

The only and most important question here is — why have you been tolerating this even when there have been clear red flags slapping you in the face.

Edited November 3, 2018 by Zahara

[BaileyB]

It would be foolish to plan a life together with a man that you can not trust.

 

And this man, has proven himself to be untrustworthy. I'm sorry.

[d0nnivain]

This is who he is & how he has always been. You have spent most of your relationship thinking you can change him.

 

You also don't trust him. You can't marry a man you don't trust.

 

Just get out & stop using your employers resources to violate his privacy before you get fired.

 

However, you also can't prohibit a SO from ever talking to or interacting with members of the opposite sex. Banal interactions about general topics are fine. Flirting, sexting etc is a problem but you will go through like disappointed if you think you can regulate every interaction your SO has with a member of the opposite sex & that you will be the only woman he ever interacts with.

[Gretchen12]

Aside from that married woman who still has a thing for him, where are these other women coming from? Are they women he already knew before you're a couple, or did he go out to find them. How? At a bar? Online? A lot of single men don't have women popping up on their phone without having put in some effort either asking for numbers in public or going online. If he actively sought out new women, don't forgive him. That's it.

[Simple Logic]

I guess it is kinda up to you. You can change by not being jealous and accept his wondering or call this off because it seems obvious he is not going to change.

 

My gut feeling is you are going to give another chance.

[FMW]

It sounds like he's incapable of being faithful. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do - it's him. Who knows why. Read on this board, you'll see story after story about people like that.

 

I don't doubt he loves you and being with you means the world to him. But for him, it doesn't mean he'll ever be faithful to you. He doesn't love the way you love.

 

Unless you are willing to live your life this way, you've made the right decision to leave and have no contact.

[ExpatInItaly]

You should have walked away a long time ago, OP.

 

He doesn't respect you, and he sure doesn't love you. If you go ahead and marry him anyway, know that you are then voluntarily signing up for a very unhappy life.

[Odettefaith]

Can I be honest? If someone loves u, they really shouldn't do anything that would harm the r/s at all. From what you have said, he is simply trying to test your limits. Just like what my bf did (finally had enough and broke it off last night).

 

Now that u r only engaged, know that you still have a choice. Choose to be happy my dear. In d first place if he had been honest, you won't have any trust issue at all isn't it? He created that trust issue and blame you for it? How silly does it sound.

 

Of course you can just go back to him but you have to know each time you guys argue or get into fights he will fall right back to his old ways (texting/calling other women). I guess you have to really consider if this is the kind of life u want for your happily ever after.

 

He's the one with issue and the good thing is you found out and choice lies with you. I realised this kind of people has very similar traits that they will cry beg whatever to get you back but once you get back, you are telling him you can easily forgive things and therefore he will test your limit yet again.

 

This is a vicious cycle and only you can change the situation. Please don't think u r being over jealous. When you are in the right relationship, I'm sure things won't be that way.

 

There's tons of nice guys out there, people who won't cheat. You deserve better ♡

[MermaidNat]

Unfortunately in my experience people like this can’t change unless they do a huge amount of work on themselves & if he hasn’t yet.. what would mak him now?

 

I just want to point out a few things to you...

He has you questioning your own thinking on what is acceptable and what is not... so that is making you uncertain & if it keeps going your questioning of yourself will get worse & worse.. somehow they make it your fault instead of their own.

 

I also want you to notice, you’re changing yourself in the hope that if you do enough he will be satisfied enough not to want to do this... that’s a dangerous thing to start doing because you are inadvertently telling yourself it’s about you... you could be absolutely perfect in every way but a person like this will continue to do this for their own gain.. not because of anything to do with you

 

 

I’ve dated too many men like this & the problem is that over time you get worn down on your own standards.

You’re engaged right now & he’s still not thinking of the consequences of entertaining other women...

 

It is your decision but can you marry a man that you are waiting to change?

Can you imagine being a wife, having children & he’s still entertaining other women? You’ll slowly have your heartbroken over & over... & your children will witness & learn what is acceptable from you...

 

I wish someone had said this to me years ago, but Get Out... I’m broken hearted right now & it’s destroying me but it’s better than ending up with someone who will slowly destroy your happiness throughout your life.

Good luck xx