Not a liar, but I keep getting called one.

[Arizona2018]

Brief back story:

I’ve been in a committed relationship for a while now and back in February or March I told a lie. I said I was somewhere that I wasn’t and a week or so later my partner and I talked about it and had a fight and all that. Since then I feel like I have earned at least some trust back, I understand it was a big deal and i won’t get all of it back but anyways...

 

Since then I have felt like I can’t do anything without some kind of an accusation. If I don’t answer my phone right away I’m hiding something, or if I’m at work and I have clients and I don’t respond to a text or call it starts a fight. To top all this off I have been battling with some depression (and yes I am getting professional help) and my partner has known about it for our relationship. He knows about doctors appointments and all that goes with it. Moving on; due to my depression I have had an extremely low sex drive, I just don’t have the energy and I flat out just don’t want to. Every now and again the fire sparks and we have sex, but not as often as he likes. Which we fight about. I’ve explained it to him and I’ve even shown him the paperwork from my counselor where I’ve talked about it and he claims to understand. Well lately it’s come up and it’s been a big fight. And then it of course has turned into that I’m sleeping with someone else. We have talked it out and I have stayed calm and of course there is no one else, and I’ve made that clear, talked about it every time he wants to talk and I have hidden nothing.

 

Then it turned into him asking me hypothetically if he could get the physical aspect from someone else. Being a person who understands we all have needs and that i am going through stuff personally, I expressed that he could and that while it will hurt me to a degree I understand he has needs too. He hasn’t gone to someone else, nothing even suggests that he has (home on time from work, regular calls and texts, still showing affection to me, etc.).

 

That brings us to today/last night. I had a very bizarre dream that my ex from my previous relationship was outside of my home and basically destroying my property. I laid in bed awake after that and out of curiousity looked him up on social media. Nothing out of the ordinary just looked at the basics and then closed it and moved on and tried to go back to sleep. My current partner picked up my phone this morning and saw that I searched for my ex. I explained what i just shared here and he began to sarcastically laugh and shake his head. I calmly said “talk to me, what’s going on?” And he said “it all makes sense why you don’t have sex with me.” And I asked what are you talking about? He went into this whole thing about how I miss my ex and that I’ve clearly been talking to him and hiding it and that I’ve seen him and it goes on and on. I restated to him that the last time I spoke (talk or text) to my ex was the New Year’s Day when he screamed at me to “get the **** out of our house because I’m good for nothing.” Again I said this calmly to my current guy. I then again told him, I don’t miss my ex because it was an abusive relationship (mentally and physically) and that I just thought it was odd that I had a dream about him after all this time so I looked him up.

 

Well that continued to spin out of control and the lie I told toward the beginning of our relationship came up and he continued to be smug about it while I was trying to calmly talk to him. Since I could tell he wasn’t going to take me seriously, I realized I needed to take a step back and calm down so I said I was going for a walk because I didn’t want to fight I wanted to talk. He then threw ina final comment of “sure go and enjoy his dick too. See ya.”

 

So I left and just went for a walk in the neighborhood. I left my phone at home and my car keys and just walked for a couple hours to clear my head and breathe.

 

My point is that I have been asking to talk with my partner for months now, I have a lot going on in my head and I’m feeling disrespected in our relationship, I’m tired of being accused at every turn almost and honestly my gut is telling me that he is hiding something and I want to talk it out. You know...like grown ups. I don’t want to accuse him which is why I want to talk it out. But he won’t.

 

The reasons these suspicions have come out is that he communicates from time to time with a girl he briefly dated, I don’t mind I’m not jealous at all and if it’s a hey how are things how’s life I really am fine with it. But the last time she texted him, it was rather suggestive. I asked him and he said that she called him **** faced drunk and that’s probably why. I said to him that it bothered me and that if he could talk to her about it to draw a defined line in their friendship it would make me feel better. It took him days to do it and it was only after I had a break down about it (because she texted again) that he kind of stood up and told her off.

 

Since having this fight this morning and being accused...again...i have all these mixed feelings. I want to talk it out and I know I’m not lying, I’m hiding nothing, but he doesn’t seem to want to talk. I’m tired of getting hurt being accused of lying when I’m not but I don’t know what else I can do to prove I’m not. Any ideas?? I’m reaching a breaking point here.

[Mardelis]

If it's this bad after 6 months it will be unbearable after a year.

 

 

It's not going to get better.

[MountainGirl111]

The breakdown in communication doesn't bode well for your relationship I'm afraid. He won't talk when you want to talk and you need to talk. If you guys could talk about these things when they come up it might resolve it. But that's not happening. It is very disrespectful for someone to accuse you of something and not even take the time to hear your side of it. But, also, he doesn't want to talk when you suspect something either.

[Redhead14]

Why did you lie about your whereabouts? Lying about something like that usually means one of two things: 1) You knew he would be upset about where you really were or 2) you were afraid of his reaction no matter where you said you were which means you are afraid of him for some reason -- he's controlling?

 

And, when someone is on the road to rebuilding trust, they need to be absolutely diligent and careful about what they do for a long time. As much as you say you're attempting to be transparent, you did look up your ex and didn't want your current partner to know because, well, he had the response you would expect.

 

You searched out your ex, he's in touch with another woman. You two are playing the "tit for tat" game. It ain't gonna work.

 

All that being said, he doesn't trust you and you don't trust him . . . there is no relationship.

[Gretchen12]

You are assuming he accuses you of lying because you did lie before, and that's why you allow him to do this and you try to prove to him that you're not cheating. But, you may very well be wrong. I once dated a man who was always suspicious and always accusing me of cheating. But I never once lied to him, always communicative, and my record was clean. He was the problem. He played out scenarios in his head and then he treated those scenarios as fact. Did it get better? Of course not. But guess what, I later found out that towards the end he cheated on me. So you see this is how cheaters think. Because they cheat, they think everyone else would too.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then it turned into him asking me hypothetically if he could get the physical aspect from someone else. Being a person who understands we all have needs and that i am going through stuff personally, I expressed that he could and that while it will hurt me to a degree I understand he has needs too.

 

Totally confused. Does this mean whatever you're "going through" includes not having sex with him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Malin889]

Why did you lie about your whereabouts?

How long have you been together, and did he only start acting this way when you lied to him, or was he acting this way always?

 

I agree with another poster who said if someone accuses you of lying, it's most likely them whose lying. If someone accuses you of cheating, they are the ones cheating, and so on.

 

Did you really give him a pass to be with someone else? Did you do this because you feel guilty or bad or you were just afraid to say no to him? And him talking to this "girl he briefly dated" - he is the problem, not her.