Husband Says "I'm Done"

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm going to throw this out there, and I apologize if it's awful advice.

 

 

 

 

I would sit down with your husband and go over the finances. See if there is any way that you both can cut back. Are there luxuries that can be cut out, or are you working this hard just to put food on the table and a roof over your head?

 

 

 

In other words, as the old saying goes "money can't buy happiness", and if between work, flipping house and caring for the kids you are exhausted, then the money you are making isn't worth it. It just isn't.

 

 

I understand that it can be difficult and scary to ask your family to go without, but in the long run, your marriage and overall mental health will thank you. Your kids aren't going to remember that they had every toy, but they will remember all the times they spent with you playing, talking or just enjoying each other's company.

[Mr. Lucky]

Our side business has always been a dream of ours both. It was one of the things that connected us. Our goal is to have our side business be our main business, but until we are in a financial spot to do that and rely solely on that. the nine-to-five routine is a must right now.

 

PghGirl8516, you need to put your problem solving hat on. Lots of good suggestions so far, but you have a reason why each and every one won't work.

 

You have two small children, you work, your husband works a demanding job and you have a side business. Unless you change something, you could very well be divorced in the near future.

 

If you're going to make an omelette, you have to break some eggs. Time to start...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

op,

I'm going to throw this out there, and I apologize if it's awful advice.

 

 

 

 

I would sit down with your husband and go over the finances. See if there is any way that you both can cut back. Are there luxuries that can be cut out, or are you working this hard just to put food on the table and a roof over your head?

 

 

 

In other words, as the old saying goes "money can't buy happiness", and if between work, flipping house and caring for the kids you are exhausted, then the money you are making isn't worth it. It just isn't.

 

 

I understand that it can be difficult and scary to ask your family to go without, but in the long run, your marriage and overall mental health will thank you. Your kids aren't going to remember that they had every toy, but they will remember all the times they spent with you playing, talking or just enjoying each other's company.

 

I think the above is great advice. I have seen many families, including members of my own family, sacrafice so much for the sake of making money. They think that having money and things is the path to personal success and happiness, but their lives are miserable nightmares devoid of any joy.

 

They say well we have to work this hard just to pay the bills and that may be true but in many cases these families have a big problem living within their means. They want a nice house, nice furniture, nice cars, the best gadgets and toys for their kids, and they want it right now! They are not willing to live modestly or sacrafice any of their material goods for the sake of having a happy marriage and happy family. So everything just gets more miserable, more strained, until the stress is bursting at the seams.

 

As the other poster said, perhaps this doesn't apply to your situation at all. Perhaps you are already living very modestly, dont have a lot of unnecessary debt and there isn't anywhere you can make cuts. However really consider if there isn't some things you and your husband could cut out of the budget in order to take off some of the pressure.

 

If you guys could live within a tight budget then perhaps you could work full time, your husband could quit his job and devote himself full time to the business. You would spend more time working outside the home but he would have more time to help you inside the home. You would both be relieving each other of some burdens and you would have more energy for sex. Everyone would be happier.

[pepperbird]

Tough nuggies. When you have two children and a family to support - sometimes you have to do what you have to do!

 

If he’s not happy with his job, there is nothing stopping him from looking for another job.

 

 

op,4I say this to you gently. If the two of you can;t handle a marriage when your kids are small, how do you think you're going to be bale to handle the really difficult days when your kids start school, the teen years, going off to university, etc.

 

 

Those are all tough, and can make the toddler time look like a walk int he park. A couple needs to be in a strong place for those.

[quoththeraven]

I think your husband sounds like he's calling all the shots and blaming you for everything that goes wrong. He's obsessed with money yet he puts no dollar value on the work you do at home. And he blames you because he works a job he doesn't like to support his kids? Did those children come out of thin air?!

 

If I were you, I'd work my part time job and do the absolute minimum around the house because clearly you are way too stressed out, and I'd take good care of myself. Then hire a babysitter for a weekly date night and try to rekindle the sex.

 

If your husband complains, tell him he can't have it all. If he wants marriage and sex, you have to be less stressed and exhausted.

 

If he doesn't like it, imagine how he'll cope if you get divorced! He'll still be working that unhappy job, but half his $ will go to pay child support, he'll have to find and clean his own home cook for himself, and take care of your kids all by himself every other weekend. And he thinks he has it bad now?

 

You guys are just trying to do too much and it's too bad your husband is so obsessed with money and lacks respect for you as the mother of his children. If he can't change his views, he's better off with a money obsessed career woman and you're better off with a loving man who appreciates you.

[hurtbyher99]

My best advice to you is to get over it. Working and taking care of the house and kids is everyday life of most people. He makes more money and you only work part time. You should have the bulk of the work inside the home. Having kids that age is hard, but it gets easier as they age. Mine is a teenager and I have all the time to myself that I want now. I suspect most of your husbands problem is the lack of sex. Ive been tired, but never to tired to have sex with my husband. Its a huge part of marriage that you are neglecting. Next time he reaches for you just go with it. It wont take long before your hormones take over and you wont feel tired anymore. It really angers me when I read about women who claim to be to exhausted from normal everyday life to make love to their husbands. Lifes not that difficult to set aside some time for your man. You dont need a date night. Just put the kids to bed and spend some time with your husband in the bedroom. Be grateful for the life and the family you have. You have what other people dream about.

 

10000000% this - LOL you think my wife is not tired and im not tired form working and cleaning all day? 20 minutes whats 20 minutes? FFS this BS is why marriage dont work people get lazy and think well it has to be perfect all the time. NO, you walk up to him bend over and tell him you want him right then and there - go in the bathroom lock the door - have a quicky - youd be amazed at how he will change after you do this a few times. In fact you'll be amazed at how you will change too, having sex makes you want more sex.

 

You think 2 kids are hard we have 4 and we still make time for sex at least 3 or 4 times a week even if its a quicky

Edited November 7, 2018 by hurtbyher99

[giotto]

We've done all this and survived, with 4 kids too... hasn't been easy... you just need to cooperate, not working against each other. You are married and you are a team. It's not a competition.

 

Having said that, my wife decided not to pursue her career leading to a 6 figure salary because she wan't happy with it and then blamed me for not earning enough... Basically, she wanted to stay at home with the kids but she couldn't... so, what did she do? She got a job with night shifts...

 

Now I'm the one who earns a 6 figure salary and she isn't... she hasn't progressed in her carrier. Needless to say, we will be divorcing shortly...

 

Why am I telling you this? Communicating and working together, towards the same goals as a family is of the outmost importance. Believe me: we've messed up.

[brigit87]

To the poster saying I signed up for this when I put on my wedding dress - I disagree. I am confident that the majority of us put on our wedding dress and our wedding rings under the assumption and faith that we are entering a partnership, a 50/50 split more or less. Not a competition. Not a "ok we are married now. Have fun keeping up the house and raising the kids solo. I'll be burying myself at work for the next 40 years".

 

Our side business has always been a dream of ours both. It was one of the things that connected us. Our goal is to have our side business be our main business, but until we are in a financial spot to do that and rely solely on that. the nine-to-five routine is a must right now.

 

I didn't sign up for a crap life either when I put on my wedding dress...lol. I signed up for "Happily Ever After."

 

I think you work just as hard as your husband. You take care of the house and kids and you work and you have a house flipping business. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

[brigit87]

op,

I'm going to throw this out there, and I apologize if it's awful advice.

 

 

 

 

I would sit down with your husband and go over the finances. See if there is any way that you both can cut back. Are there luxuries that can be cut out, or are you working this hard just to put food on the table and a roof over your head?

 

 

 

In other words, as the old saying goes "money can't buy happiness", and if between work, flipping house and caring for the kids you are exhausted, then the money you are making isn't worth it. It just isn't.

 

 

I understand that it can be difficult and scary to ask your family to go without, but in the long run, your marriage and overall mental health will thank you. Your kids aren't going to remember that they had every toy, but they will remember all the times they spent with you playing, talking or just enjoying each other's company.

 

This is a great post.

 

You're both working yourselves to death.

[Els]

My husband and I also have a side business. We flip houses and sell or rent them out. He does about 80% of the work on that. The majority of his work is outside of the house, the majority of my work is inside the house. Although I do work about 30 hours a week at an office job too.

 

He has asked me in the past to push a bit more because he feels as though I do not contribute the same amount as he does. I do agree that he and I should have equal parts and what we bring to the table as far as income goes, but I spend the majority of my time with the kids were as he spends most of his time bringing in money. It's a good balance, in my opinion. To be honest, he would not last a day in my shoes. He just isn't as nurturing as I am with the kids and the house would be turned upside down in less than 24 hours. I'm not just speculating. We've tried it. It just doesn't work.

 

I do get a couple hours here and there to myself, but I feel that at the core of all of this if it comes down to date nights and the lack of time we have with each other. ALONE. Even after the kids go to bed, I have no desire to be sexually active because I am just so mentally drained from the day.

 

My husband needs more than what I can give him at this time. We are comfortable financially but we do not have the means to hire a nanny or hire somebody to come in for a few hours to clean the house once or twice a week.

 

Another issue is that my husband is miserable at his job. It is a dead-end job, which although he has several years of experience in and is tenured, he gets no joy out of it. It's not a job that makes him feel fulfilled, which is his own fault for not taking additional steps to change the education that he has or further himself, but that's a whole different topic.

 

What on earth is your husband expecting? Obviously if you are going to be working AND doing almost all of the childrearing and housework by yourself, you aren't going to be up for great sex at the end of the day. It's not exactly rocket science.

 

That being said, I am perplexed that he is earning "so much more than you", you both are working AND running a side business to boot... yet you cannot afford a twice-monthly cleaner or nanny? What gives? What is taking up so much of your expenses?

 

I agree with the poster who suggested taking a good look at your finances. A twice-monthly cleaner costs like $100 a month. Well worth the expenditure if it saves your marriage IMO.

[Els]

My best advice to you is to get over it.

 

FFS this BS is why marriage dont work people get lazy and think well it has to be perfect all the time.

 

 

Don't you think this applies to the husband as well?

 

I don't know what fantasy world you people live in, but most couples I know understand that their sex life would take a little bit of a back seat in the first few years of raising children, especially if they are not financially comfortable. It is something that they accept, because they understand it is a byproduct of their CHOICE to have biological children at that stage of their lives. One of the strongest and happiest couples I know just sent their last kid off to college. Even they said that their sex life dipped a bit when their children were toddlers. They are still together and happy now because they accepted that that was what it is and that things would get better once the children grew up.

 

I don't understand why anyone would have kids without being able to afford a cleaner/nanny and still expect that sex would be 100% the same as it was pre-kids (otherwise DIVORCE! ). Obviously that isn't going to happen for the majority of cases in the real world. If that's not something you are okay with, don't have kids, or at least wait until you can afford the cleaner/nanny.

[standtall]

OP, it sounds like you and your husband have put your jobs, side businesses, and children in front of your marriage. Couples have to make time for each other, otherwise you see the result. If your husband is not taking the lead in making a date night/ slow your work pace/ do whatever to make more time, then you have to at least try or you really can't say that you did everything you could to make your marriage work....can you? You see this is not a his fault her fault thing...this is a team effort, and sometimes a team mate has to pick up the slack. You swore an oath and signed a contract to do so..so at least try.

[stillafool]

 

About a week before our wedding we actually both agreed that social media was no longer necessary in our lives. We have both seen other friends of ours have their lives nearly ruined because of social media and what it did to their marriage and their families. So we have been off social media for quite some time now.

 

This was one of the best decisions you could have made to protect your marriage and mental health. Good for you two. Through good times and bad; well this is the bad part of life but this too will past and life will get better in a little while.

[pepperbird]

10000000% this - LOL you think my wife is not tired and im not tired form working and cleaning all day? 20 minutes whats 20 minutes? FFS this BS is why marriage dont work people get lazy and think well it has to be perfect all the time. NO, you walk up to him bend over and tell him you want him right then and there - go in the bathroom lock the door - have a quicky - youd be amazed at how he will change after you do this a few times. In fact you'll be amazed at how you will change too, having sex makes you want more sex.

 

You think 2 kids are hard we have 4 and we still make time for sex at least 3 or 4 times a week even if its a quicky

 

 

yeah, that's every woman's dream! quickie sex then back to the salt mines:laugh: ( sorry for giving you a hard time...I expect this isn't what you really meant).

 

 

If the op is anything like the majority of women I know, there has to be some sort of emotional connection to enjoy sex, and the one sure way to remove that is to make quickies the norm. All it will do is make her feel even less connected.

[pepperbird]

I didn't sign up for a crap life either when I put on my wedding dress...lol. I signed up for "Happily Ever After."

 

I think you work just as hard as your husband. You take care of the house and kids and you work and you have a house flipping business. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

 

 

Me too.

 

 

That's the thing. You( general) can work your @ss into the ground. Your kids can have all the latest toys and technology etc. and they likely won't be any happier or better prepared for life than if they had less.

 

 

Add to this that working so hard to earn the money eats up so much time. Time that one can't ever get back. Kids are only small for a few years, and that time is so precious. A son or daughter isn't going to remember all the "stuff', but what they will remember is spending time with mom and dad.

[brigit87]

yeah, that's every woman's dream! quickie sex then back to the salt mines:laugh: ( sorry for giving you a hard time...I expect this isn't what you really meant).

 

 

If the op is anything like the majority of women I know, there has to be some sort of emotional connection to enjoy sex, and the one sure way to remove that is to make quickies the norm. All it will do is make her feel even less connected.

 

LOL!

 

Honestly OP aren't you angry? I mean you're cleaning HIS house and raising HIS children...I don't get it.

 

I mean if I was doing all the stuff you're doing and my husband said "I'm Done" I'd say "Thank God."

Edited November 8, 2018 by brigit87

[Els]

yeah, that's every woman's dream! quickie sex then back to the salt mines:laugh: ( sorry for giving you a hard time...I expect this isn't what you really meant).

 

 

If the op is anything like the majority of women I know, there has to be some sort of emotional connection to enjoy sex, and the one sure way to remove that is to make quickies the norm. All it will do is make her feel even less connected.

 

 

Didn't you know that the best way for a woman to improve her libido is to run right over from tending the children and the stove alone to bend over in the bathroom for a quickie 4 times a week? Why would anyone even bother with the whole date night, mental stimulation, foreplay, female orgasm thing?

[brigit87]

Didn't you know that the best way for a woman to improve her libido is to run right over from tending the children and the stove alone to bend over in the bathroom for a quickie 4 times a week? Why would anyone even bother with the whole date night, mental stimulation, foreplay, female orgasm thing?

 

Or she can muti-task she can clean the bathroom while having sex.

[quoththeraven]

The advice to give hubby a BJ or quickie is making my eyes roll. I hardly think being sexually frustrated whilst catering to her husband's sexual satisfaction is going to help this situation.

[Els]

The advice to give hubby a BJ or quickie is making my eyes roll. I hardly think being sexually frustrated whilst catering to her husband's sexual satisfaction is going to help this situation.

 

 

Probably lack of understanding about how arousal works for many women.

 

 

 

.... Or the belief that the woman's pleasure shouldn't matter.

 

 

 

I can't decide which is worse, really.

[Mrschaney]

Well, all I can say is we have sex whenever the other wants it. He stops what hes doing for me and I stop whatever Im doing for him. We are in love and want to make each other happy and feel good. We are NEVER to tired for each other. The housework can wait. The kid can wait. The dinner can wait. Our marriage comes first, always.

[carhill]

^^^^^ Great example of a healthy partnership. Kudos to you. Perhaps I'm a bit harsh with the lifestyle prison comments but people often feel that life becomes out of their control when in fact each day we have choices. A solid partnership maximizes those choices. When they once said cleave to your spouse they weren't whistling dixie. So important in a M. Hope the OP comes back and reads/responds.

[Els]

Our marriage comes first, always.

 

 

No one has said that it should not. However, if one person often doesn't feel like having sex, investigating and addressing the cause is generally much more useful in the long term than "suck it up and just bend over even if you don't feel like it". Talk about a recipe for resentment...

 

 

IMO OP and her H really just need to figure out a way to reduce the work load on both people. Either reallocate some budget to a cleaner/nanny, or reduce expenses and reduce work hours.

[Mrschaney]

This woman has repeatedly said they cannot afford a babysitter, yet thats the solution posters keep offering. I hope she realizes that a house doesn’t need to be cleaned top to bottom everyday. Most people clean a house well once a week then tidy up the rest of the week. Laundry is just throwing clothes into machines and then putting them away. She doesn’t need to cook 6 course meals either. She only works part time. Unless shes butchering and plucking the chicken for dinner and washing on a washboard, hanging clothes on the line, she shouldnt be utterly exhausted by 6 pm. This is either pure drama or just an excuse to get out of sex. Either way, her husband who is working his fingers to the bone just wants some sex while his wife is too exhausted from a normal, part time job life. You cant keep a man if you refuse him sex. Its really that simple.

[Els]

This woman has repeatedly said they cannot afford a babysitter, yet thats the solution posters keep offering.

 

 

No, the solution that people are suggesting is that they figure out where their money is going and reallocate to a babysitter if possible. Her H earns good money, she earns money, they have a side business earning money. Usually that suffices for the occasional babysitter and cleaner. It'd cost $200/month tops.

 

 

 

 

I hope she realizes that a house doesn’t need to be cleaned top to bottom everyday. Most people clean a house well once a week then tidy up the rest of the week. Laundry is just throwing clothes into machines and then putting them away. She doesn’t need to cook 6 course meals either. She only works part time. Unless shes butchering and plucking the chicken for dinner and washing on a washboard, hanging clothes on the line, she shouldnt be utterly exhausted by 6 pm.

 

 

Either way, her husband who is working his fingers to the bone just wants some sex while his wife is too exhausted from a normal, part time job life.

You do realize that doing ALL the childcare with small children and doing ALL the housework while simultaneously working part time is NOT a "normal, part-time job life", right? Most husbands are expected to either contribute to the care of the house and their children, or earn enough to support a SAHM or pay for a babysitter/cleaner to handle their share of the chores.

 

 

 

 

This is either pure drama or just an excuse to get out of sex.

If someone is indeed looking for "an excuse to get out of sex", then don't you think the next question that should be asked is "why don't you enjoy sex"? I don't know about you, but I personally think it's not normal or healthy to view sex in that manner.

 

 

 

 

You cant keep a man if you refuse him sex. Its really that simple.

You can't keep a marriage if you expect your wife to do 100% of the childcare and housework while still working outside the home, while having sex on demand regardless of how she feels. It's really that simple.

 

 

Sounds to me like the husband is at least 50% responsible for the current situation.