quoththeraven Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I don't understand people saying the OP works part time. A 30 hour a week office job plus house flipping business sounds like a full time job to me. Even without the houses, 30 hours a week isn't a small amount when you factor in that she is responsible for kids, getting them to and from daycare, shopping, groceries, cooking, housekeeping, etc. It makes a big difference when a man works full time but simply gets up and goes to his job. Whereas a woman must do a million things at home and with kids before she even get to work. I think the house flipping business on top of everything else is just plain dumb. Who has the time or money to flip houses when you have jobs and young children? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I don't understand people saying the OP works part time. A 30 hour a week office job plus house flipping business sounds like a full time job to me. Even without the houses, 30 hours a week isn't a small amount when you factor in that she is responsible for kids, getting them to and from daycare, shopping, groceries, cooking, housekeeping, etc. It makes a big difference when a man works full time but simply gets up and goes to his job. Whereas a woman must do a million things at home and with kids before she even get to work. I think the house flipping business on top of everything else is just plain dumb. Who has the time or money to flip houses when you have jobs and young children? I honestly can't understand women putting up at all with men who don't want to lift a finger in the house or with their own children, yet expect their wife to contribute monetarily. It just reeks of entitlement IMO - not a sexy trait at all. I'm surprised that the OP is okay with all of that (albeit understandably not feeling interested in sex with him), and he's still the one complaining despite having the advantage in their arrangement. Okay, not THAT surprised considering the abovementioned trait, but yeah. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I don't understand people saying the OP works part time. A 30 hour a week office job plus house flipping business sounds like a full time job to me. Even without the houses, 30 hours a week isn't a small amount when you factor in that she is responsible for kids, getting them to and from daycare, shopping, groceries, cooking, housekeeping, etc. It makes a big difference when a man works full time but simply gets up and goes to his job. Whereas a woman must do a million things at home and with kids before she even get to work. I think the house flipping business on top of everything else is just plain dumb. Who has the time or money to flip houses when you have jobs and young children? IMHO if the OP divorced her husband she'd probably be better off financially and emotionally. Plus, she'll finally have time to sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I'm undecided. I'd be interested to know the actual hours worked at the side business. The OP says her husband works 40 hours a week at his full time job and does about 80% of the work required on the side business. The OP works 30 hours a week and I'm guessing about 20% of the side business. So if we say the side business takes another 40 hrs a week to run then that has the husband working 70 hrs a week and the OP working 40 hrs a week plus doing all the household chores and childcare. Do the chores and childcare take up the extra 30 hrs a week that the husband works? I'd say that's not likely, but it does sound exhausting. In this case I'd say neither of them is the bad guy, they are both overworked and exhausted. If on the other hand the side business only takes 10 hours a week then that has the husband only working about 16 hours more a week than his wife and he could help a bit more at home. I don't understand his whining about the OP not making enough money. How can she make more money when somebody has to take care of the kids and the house? He sounds unreasonable in that regard. Likewise I don't understand the OP never wanting sex. I was a single parent so I know full well how exhausting it is to work full time and do everything in the house as well as I had to do everything myself. But I still had a sex drive and happily indulged in sex whenever I was dating someone. Not every night but at least a couple of times a week. It doesn't have to be a quickie bent over the bathroom sink (eww to the poster who suggested that solution) nor does it have to be some big production of romance that requires a babysitter and a night out. How long does it take to have a reasonably good round of sex. 30 min to an hour is plenty of time to have some good cuddles and foreplay as well as getting the deed done. Sure it's nice to get away from the kids from time to time so that you can make an entire evening out of romance and lovemaking but you don't just stop having sex altogether because that's not possible. Sex with a spouse needs to take priority over having a perfect house. Maybe not every day but at least 2-3 times a week. Link to post Share on other sites
quoththeraven Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I think sex as a exhausted single mom is more enjoyable than married sex where you resent your partner. As a single mom, uncomplicated sex with a partner you don't live or parent with is fun, whereas married sex with a husband you resent and share all kinds of boring, stressful life stuff is not fun. So I can see why OP isn't really into sex right now. That said, not wanting to sleep with your spouse is a symptom of problems in the marriage. And they aren't just going to go away with BJe and quickies. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 IMHO if the OP divorced her husband she'd probably be better off financially and emotionally. Plus, she'll finally have time to sleep. Yea...and forget all that pesky marriage vows/ oath/ signed contract and all...just because you're tired. Will winner idea there. OP...get your advice from a professional marriage counselor...I'm sure you have health care, and they will pay for a fixed amount per year....use it. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 It doesn't have to be a quickie bent over the bathroom sink (eww to the poster who suggested that solution) nor does it have to be some big production of romance that requires a babysitter and a night out. How long does it take to have a reasonably good round of sex. 30 min to an hour is plenty of time to have some good cuddles and foreplay as well as getting the deed done. Sure it's nice to get away from the kids from time to time so that you can make an entire evening out of romance and lovemaking but you don't just stop having sex altogether because that's not possible. Sex with a spouse needs to take priority over having a perfect house. Maybe not every day but at least 2-3 times a week. Do they never have sex? I was under the impression that they did, but just not very good sex and not very frequently. I think in the OP and her H's case it sounds like more than just tiredness. The OP reports feeling depressed and isolated. They never have couples' time anymore, so there is no emotional connection and no feelings of intimacy/desire. While you certainly don't need to have a date night every single time you have sex, if you NEVER have dates ever, never spend time with your spouse except in a family context... I think it's perfectly normal to not feel interested in sex with that person. For a lot of people, their desire for sex depends on the emotional closeness. Obviously, the tiredness (and likely also resentment that comes with it) would make things worse, but I don't think it is the only factor. Making time for couples' time is one of the most commonly-given pieces of advice by relationship counselors, and for good reason. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 14, 2018 Share Posted November 14, 2018 op, in your shoes, I would re-evaluate my life. Look at what's really important, and prioritize that. As for the sex....if it was as great to you as your husband thinks it is, you might be more interested. Is he doing/not doing something that you need for it to be enjoyable? If so, let him know. He can't read your mind, and if he knows for sure there is something you like, he'll hopefully do it. With any luck, knowing he is pleasing you will be encouragement enough for him to keep it up. If he refuses to or isn't interested, then you have a really big problem. Link to post Share on other sites
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