"Relationship" discussion after 3rd date

[edgygirl]

Anyone used to discussing going slower because you started treating each other almost like a full blown relationship at the third date?

 

I am def not used to have to backtrack but it does make sense with this man (we're both in our 40s); I also feel I don't know him that well and that we both got carried away.

 

We also ended up in bed after our last date... which gave me many insecurities and doubts the last couple days... but we thankfully were able to discuss our issues today. Basically we agreed we were moving too fast. We will keep getting to know each other, at a slower pace. I can't say I'm happy he mentioned wanting to keep meeting other people, but I can't say I'm at a point where I should not meet other people... He's not used to being single, so I want him to be sure he really likes me. I am also not sure of my feelings and if I want to commit to him yet, so probably better to indeed taking it slower despite liking him a lot and seeing how well we get along.

 

I did mention though that I was not comfy having sex if he was going to be sleeping with other people. And that we could talk about it. We will. Any advice on how to go about it?

Edited November 3, 2018 by edgygirl

[smackie9]

If someone told me that they wanted to keep meeting other people, that would be my cue to say sayonara.

[edgygirl]

After only 3 dates? But I think I feel the same... it's not healthy to focus on only one person when I myself am not sure yet. It felt like being in a relationship with someone I don't know very well yet.

 

I was the one questioning him being too much into me to be honest. Because he probably hasn't been single in forever, I questioned if he could really tell when he likes someone.

 

If someone told me that they wanted to keep meeting other people, that would be my cue to say sayonara.

Edited November 3, 2018 by edgygirl

[Logo]

You need to look at it from his perspective too.

 

As soon as you sprung the "I want to take things slow" on him, I'm sure that's when he said that he's seeing other women too.

"I want to take things slow" usually registers as low interest. If a woman told me that, I would definitely keep my options open.

 

I understand the emotional aspect.

 

"We also ended up in bed after our last date... which gave me many insecurities and doubts the last couple days"

Sex on the third date seems normal.

 

Can you clarify something? On the one hand you wrote that after sex you started feeling doubts.

 

Later on, you mentioned that you told him you can't continue having sex if he plans on 'seeing' other women.

So before you had the discussion, were you, yourself, planning on slowing down with the sex, too, as in having it more sporadically so as to take things slow?

[Logo]

After only 3 dates? But I think I feel the same... it's not healthy to focus on only one person when I myself am not sure yet. It felt like being in a relationship with someone I don't know very well yet.

 

I was the one questioning him being too much into me to be honest. Because he probably hasn't been single in forever, I questioned if he could really tell when he likes someone.

 

So what does "taking it slow" mean to you? Why did you have sex with him if you had doubts?

 

I actually think it's healthy to focus on one person. And by the third date, I usually know if I want to continue or check out.

 

If you have doubts, maybe you're not that into him?

 

Just some food for thought; is it possible that you're projecting your insecurities onto him? I found this interesting: "I questioned if he could really tell when he likes someone."

 

Can you tell when YOU like someone? How long has it usually taken in the past? I realize it's different with each relationship, but there must be an average.

Edited November 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edgygirl]

Hey Logo - sorry maybe I didn't explain it well. The phrase that we were treating each other like a full blown relationship came from him. But he's right, we were indeed and I agreed. I then said we could move slower and get to know each other better - as I feel we like each other a lot but indeed don't know each other that well as we also were a little drunk on these dates.

 

I know 3rd date sex is normal, and I am not a prude, but lately I've been preferring to hold a little more as sex changes things. I prefer to know if we're compatible emotionally and goal wise before doing it. What happened was I haven't been drinking this year and got super drunk from only 3 drinks, not to mention during the date I got shocked that he only broke up with ex 2 weeks ago, got anxious about it and let it show... so it was kinda intense. Then I ended up in his house... and can't even remember much. Meaning, it was probably a mistake to have our first time in bed like this.

 

He was crazy about me since we met, but I felt yesterday after the sex, things cooled off a little over text. Hence I got insecure. I also don't know how sex was, as I was drunk - makes me insecure too. But it was good we talked as we realized it was more about things becoming too serious too fast, as opposed to sex itself, specially drunken sex, being the real issue.

 

Well, STDs and heartbreak are out there... I feel disgusted to have sex with a man I'm dating if he's doing it with other women. It's not like I was planning anything... up to our discussion I didn't even know if I were going to see each other again. I actually would like some advice on how to go about it. I do want to have sex with him again. We seem both kinky and it's promising. Not to mention I like him as a person too and feel comfy being myself around him.

 

At the same time, I don't think I'm in love yet, and in my view it would be a little ridiculous to commit or be exclusive right now.

 

 

You need to look at it from his perspective too.

 

<SNIP>

Edited November 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

Why do you think it's not healthy to focus on just one person? It's not like you're talking about long term commitment.

[Logo]

That explains where you were coming from in your first post. Thanks for elaborating.

[basil67]

At the same time, I don't think I'm in love yet, and in my view it would be a little ridiculous to commit or be exclusive right now.

 

What is the connection between love and an agreement to just see each other? It's perfectly acceptable to date just one person and then break it off if things aren't going how we want.

 

Given that you don't like sex with someone who's seeing others, I think exclusivity sounds like a smart idea.

[edgygirl]

I'm not sure what taking things slow means to me... as I don't usually do that maybe not treating each other like a full blown couple yet. It just happened so I have to think about it.

 

To be honest, I am Jewish and only been dating Jews. He is not. But I liked him a lot, and thought I should give it a chance. It's so hard to find someone we like. So I want to make sure it makes sense.

 

You might be right... maybe it is healthy to focus on one person. Maybe I'm sabotaging our relationship... I think I do that but not sure why. I'm realizing I test men... to try to see if I can trust them maybe.

 

I may be projecting, yes. That's a great point and I have to think about it. Yes I can def tell when I like someone... as it's quite rare for me. I usually know fast... maybe around 3-5 dates. But as I said, usually they're a cultural match to me. This case is a bit different. I like him DESPITE him not being a cultural match, at least not ethnically.

 

So what does "taking it slow" mean to you? Why did you have sex with him if you had doubts?

 

I actually think it's healthy to focus on one person. And by the third date, I usually know if I want to continue or check out.

 

If you have doubts, maybe you're not that into him?

 

Just some food for thought; is it possible that you're projecting your insecurities onto him? I found this interesting: "I questioned if he could really tell when he likes someone."

 

Can you tell when YOU like someone? How long has it usually taken in the past? I realize it's different with each relationship, but there must be an average.

[edgygirl]

I think specifically in this case, it bothers me that he is kinda a serial monogamist. I want to be sure he likes me, and not just slipping into a new relationship and thinking he likes me. I don't know him well enough to tell, but he was overly excited about me, in a way I haven't seen in a while... made me wonder.

 

 

 

Why do you think it's not healthy to focus on just one person? It's not like you're talking about long term commitment.

[edgygirl]

I understand your points and appreciate them, I will think about it.

 

What I can say is I also freaked out about how intense it felt in these tree dates... I am not sure it would work out to be only with each other right away... it's like we would fall into a relationship by default because it's comfy and we like each other.

 

I guess he also freaked out about our intensity as I did, and thought keep meeting other people to see how he feels about them would be a good idea. Of course I can't know what's behind it as it was over text. Should I ask specifically when we meet or talk on the phone?

 

What is the connection between love and an agreement to just see each other? It's perfectly acceptable to date just one person and then break it off if things aren't going how we want.

 

Given that you don't like sex with someone who's seeing others, I think exclusivity sounds like a smart idea.

[Logo]

I'm not sure what taking things slow means to me... as I don't usually do that maybe not treating each other like a full blown couple yet. It just happened so I have to think about it.

 

To be honest, I am Jewish and only been dating Jews. He is not. But I liked him a lot, and thought I should give it a chance. It's so hard to find someone we like. So I want to make sure it makes sense.

 

You might be right... maybe it is healthy to focus on one person. Maybe I'm sabotaging our relationship... I think I do that but not sure why. I'm realizing I test men... to try to see if I can trust them maybe.

 

I may be projecting, yes. That's a great point and I have to think about it. Yes I can def tell when I like someone... as it's quite rare for me. I usually know fast... maybe around 3-5 dates. But as I said, usually they're a cultural match to me. This case is a bit different. I like him DESPITE him not being a cultural match, at least not ethnically.

 

So is it possible that because this is a new experience for you, you're putting the breaks on because you feel a need to process it, reflect and reconsider it.

 

I think we all do that with something we've never experienced before. We hesitate. We're not sure. We feel the urge to slow down and reflect.

 

Look, you're both adults. You seem to like him. What's wrong with seeing him exclusively like basil suggested and just roll with it? It's not a marriage proposal. You're just dating exclusively.

 

But first, you mentioned that he just broke up with an ex 2 weeks before your first date.

 

That's a huge red flag if there ever was one.

So given this information, you need to decide if you feel comfortable dating someone who could either be on the rebound or could end up getting back with his ex. Those are possibilities, after all.

Edited November 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[edgygirl]

Look, you're both adults. You seem to like him. What's wrong with seeing him exclusively like basil suggested and just roll with it? It's not a marriage proposal. You're just dating exclusively.

 

Well because he was the one mentioning the seeing other people today. But I am feeling it could be because the third date also was intense and didn't go particularly well. I was planning on seeing other people anyway even before the talk as I wanted to circular date as I tend to obsess if I like someone a lot. But you guys are making me think if it's indeed a good idea.

 

But first, you mentioned that he just broke up with an ex 2 weeks before your first date.

That's a huge red flag if there ever was one.

 

Exactly. That's one of the reasons I freaked out on our last date. I know he dumped her and doesn't want to be with her, but still...

 

So given this information, you need to decide if you feel comfortable dating someone who could either be on the rebound or could end up getting back with his ex. Those are possibilities, after all.

 

He won't get back to her, but yes I did get anxious about him being married 10 years and then having this GF in the last year. But what can I do? Let someone I like go only because he's never single? Btw he said on the marriage he FELT single in the last years as they became friends more than anything.

[edgygirl]

One thing I forgot to mention is he obviously assumed I wanted already to be committed. My dating style has been to find out goals, what the person is looking for (marriage? etc.) asap, so it might give a vibe I am seeking exclusivity right away. I am not. I am trying to figure out if I like someone and if they are right for me.

 

 

I am glad I had an opportunity to clear that out today. I asked him what made him think I wanted that already, he answered: my arrogance

[smackie9]

sorry but if the interest is high no one will be thinking about dating others.

 

 

I agree with one of the poster, he shifted gears when he heard "Take things slow".

 

 

 

If he is a serial monogamist like you say, then you two are not right for each other because your dating styles don't match. Your uncertainty is going to make him doubt there's a chance no matter how you reassure him...his already protecting his ego by throwing "seeing others," in your face.

 

 

 

 

I don't think he will ever think logically or see your point of view on this one.

[edgygirl]

I always appreciate your posts smackie9 but I'm not sure I agree with the below in bold. I am interested in him, a lot, but I feel I should keep be doing circular dating (link below), because I don't know him that well it's been 3 dates only since we met 10 days ago (!) It's just too little time to commit to someone.

 

 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22644/what-circular-dating-is-why-its-the-secret-to-finding-the-one.html

 

He was too much into me too fast, and I conveyed to him he just broke up and didn't have enough time to process... today he agreed with me. He also said he's not ready to commit to one person yet. I get that. Why would he? So... he already saw my point of view. Btw I am a Feeler in Myers Briggs and he's a T (rational) so he's better than me at being rational haha.

 

sorry but if the interest is high no one will be thinking about dating others.

 

 

I agree with one of the poster, he shifted gears when he heard "Take things slow".

 

 

 

If he is a serial monogamist like you say, then you two are not right for each other because your dating styles don't match. Your uncertainty is going to make him doubt there's a chance no matter how you reassure him...his already protecting his ego by throwing "seeing others," in your face.

 

 

 

 

I don't think he will ever think logically or see your point of view on this one.

[Malin889]

Is this the guy from the concert ticket post?

[alphamale]

your relationship is already tainted because you two slept together after the first date. next time wait until date 6 or 7 or 10 to have sex. you'll be glad you did. the more you like a guy the longer you should wait to have sex.

[edgygirl]

Yes. That date was amazing Then we went on a 3rd date... that's where things went a little funny.

 

 

 

Is this the guy from the concert ticket post?

[edgygirl]

This one was on the 3rd date though not first. But I agree... last guy I really liked I waited 6 dates. Doing it now on 3rd date felt like a bad idea, and I didn't intend to do it, but got drunk with three drinks as I haven't been drinking this year. Lesson learned. Won't drink anymore as my resistance became low.

 

 

 

your relationship is already tainted because you two slept together after the first date. next time wait until date 6 or 7 or 10 to have sex. you'll be glad you did. the more you like a guy the longer you should wait to have sex.

[Andy_K]

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22644/what-circular-dating-is-why-its-the-secret-to-finding-the-one.html

 

That article is full of crap, but I'm going to get to the point rather than pick it apart. Like the male equivalent, it teaches behaviours which are effectively 'training wheels'. It is designed not to improve you in any way, but to stop you making stupid mistakes. If you're dating several guys, it's harder to get obsessed with one. If you're less available, it gives the impression you have a balanced life rather than a gaping void where you want a relationship to be.

 

These are sticking plasters, not real solutions. Address the underlying causes, and then reassess. If you multi-date, do it because you want to, not because it balances out your mental hang ups!

[olivetree]

He got out of a relationship 2 weeks ago.

 

Abort!

[edgygirl]

Well, I agree regarding your assessment of what circular dating is about. But I do need to balance my mental hang up for now... although all this made me realize I do need to go back to therapy.

 

Someone just mentioned attachment styles in another thread and I'm realizing I have issues with it. Might explain what happened with this man.

 

That article is full of crap, but I'm going to get to the point rather than pick it apart. Like the male equivalent, it teaches behaviours which are effectively 'training wheels'. It is designed not to improve you in any way, but to stop you making stupid mistakes. If you're dating several guys, it's harder to get obsessed with one. If you're less available, it gives the impression you have a balanced life rather than a gaping void where you want a relationship to be.

 

These are sticking plasters, not real solutions. Address the underlying causes, and then reassess. If you multi-date, do it because you want to, not because it balances out your mental hang ups!