I'd like to let go of this girl I'm not even officially seeing

[health]

Hey guys. There's this girl I see twice a year in a another country. She's very intelligent and very beautiful - but really we aren't officially dating. She can do what she wants and I can do what I want. Really it's hard for me to get with any girl - but for her she can get guys at the drop of a hat and she openly said she isn't for monogamy. She is about open relationships.

 

What's great about this is that it will show me how to keep my mind right, healthy and not delve into something that can sidetrack me.

 

I just got promoted - and this is the type of thing that can make me feel angry, hurt and frustrated which I don't need right now.

 

She posts things on her snapchat about a "Guy trying to get her drunk"

the other day the second after she snapped me goodnight she went on about how shes hot and I'm hot and how she wants to "fu%K" me

 

- it turns out the message was intended for someone else - whether it's a guy or girl cause she goes both ways.

 

On my side - I have never cheated in a girl in my life, I hada tough break up 10 years ago. I've dated here and there.

 

this girl would be perfect if she loved me like crazy but she does not. I thought she finally showed she did with those messages and "I miss you" but they weren't for me.

 

Even though she's beautiful - there are a million red flags - she drinks and smokes weed daily - just so many messed up things.

 

My family and friends are sick of me talking about it.

 

From all my learnings I should be after on point girls but it's like I'm masochistic.

 

I am literally on the verge of a new and better life - more money, big promotion - I can not allow her to sidetrack me.

 

I do not want to check for her social media. I don't want to message her.

 

I want to keep her out of my life. The thing is we still have some artistic projects we're working on but really most of the work is on me - so I can finish them and still be away from her.

 

I will try to enjoy life not drinking and smoking ciggs, meditate, focus on work and be good.

 

Do you guys have any further advice on this?

 

Thank you

[Garcon1986]

You've got to dig deep for the determination to break free here. Think back to the times where you really needed your determination more than ever before. You'll need that kind of strength. I will wager that getting attention from her is like tasting a class A drug - it's intoxicating but very bad for you. You've got the right mindset in the sense that you can't be sidetracked by her. However, the determination is lacking here. It's like if somebody wants to give up heroin or masturbation. It's tough but so very necessary.

[basil67]

Sounds like you know what you want. So what's holding you back from moving on?

[health]

You've got to dig deep for the determination to break free here. Think back to the times where you really needed your determination more than ever before. You'll need that kind of strength. I will wager that getting attention from her is like tasting a class A drug - it's intoxicating but very bad for you. You've got the right mindset in the sense that you can't be sidetracked by her. However, the determination is lacking here. It's like if somebody wants to give up heroin or masturbation. It's tough but so very necessary.

 

You're right. It's just like an addiction. I can stop texting, or snapchatting her for weeks - then she'll say how sad she is - I ask if she's alright. Then I end up feeling hurt later on.

 

Right now I feel sick like I'm giving her up. Like hey I may meet her next year - ask her to meet - but until then I don't want any other thoughts of her in my mind.

 

In a sense I like it where it is - once I thought about moving to her country to be with her - with my savings, find a job there etc - that would completely destroy my life.

 

If I don't text her - she never initiates. Even when I met her last month - when we weren't working on the creative project a lot of times she was on her cell phone.

 

It's a joke and I feel like I like pain going towards someone like her.

 

I have to acknowledge that it's my responsibility as to why I chose to like her or go for her. I have to let this all go - and realize if we never made anything official - it's really open season. She knows I like her. In photos people think we'd be a great couple but it's not happening. I like her way more than she likes me.

 

I just want to stop checking for her completely for the next 3 months and transition well into my new job promotion.

 

The job promotion itself is scary - I can see why people don't accept new success - it's actually quite scary but I'm giving it my all and have to take care of myself along the way.

 

Thank you so much for the support Garcon!

[health]

Sounds like you know what you want. So what's holding you back from moving on?

 

Thank you Basil. The only thing that's holding me back from moving on is me - me checking for her on social media, messaging her, snap chatting her etc.

 

I will not check for her at all for at least 6 months and then decide what to do at that point. As of now I'm disengaging.

 

She is about open relationships. I have never been.

 

We aren't even in an open relationship but we get intimate when we see each other.

 

I don't think I can ever do an open relationship if faced with the choice. I don't think I can stand sharing someone I love with someone else.

 

You have to be on some next level emotionally for it. I really don't know.

I'm committed to focusing on my career in the first place.

[smackie9]

Be like me...take a break from social media all together for a week. I do it all the time when I'm very busy with work. Just put the phone down and be one with yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think to get her out of your system for good, you need to consider what is really fuelling this attachment to her.

 

Are you lonely? Too nervous to pursue local women? Not feeling so great about yourself so you live for the compliments and attention from her?

[health]

Be like me...take a break from social media all together for a week. I do it all the time when I'm very busy with work. Just put the phone down and be one with yourself.

 

smackie - will do! That's what I'm going to do. I actually already started. Checking social media at work is worst cause it triggers my mind negatively.

 

I basically like this girl and she's talking about her "boo" trying to get her drunk - like I said. When I read that I was angry and pissed my whole shift at work - and then drank cause of it in the morning - and I quit drinking for a while. I slipped - it was a small one but I won't do it again and I'm cutting her out completely. It's about me not being masochist and going to the pain I'm getting from her. She's single it's her life I decide not to get bothered by what she does anymore and I'm not going to check on her.

 

Also this will be easier because I only saw her 2-3 times a year, it was long distance and from my major break up 10 years ago - I have the tools on how to cope, heal and grow. That's what I intend to do - and I know not to get with girls who bring me the wrong type of pain. I can take a lot - but dumb things like girls who drink alcohol and smoke weed everyday - I don't need that in my life. I'd rather have a girl who is struggling at a high end job that gets through it - then other low end problems.

[health]

I think to get her out of your system for good, you need to consider what is really fuelling this attachment to her.

 

Are you lonely? Too nervous to pursue local women? Not feeling so great about yourself so you live for the compliments and attention from her?

 

 

ExpatinItaly - I'm not lonely per se, but I haven't been in a long term relationship for almost 10 years now. I have been rejected by over 29 women since. Including one I met in a club a few days ago - same story - they're all over me in the club, get their number, talk, ext then it fizzles out.

 

I do get nervous to approach local women - and when I do a lot of the times they give the cold shoulder or it doesn't work out. I will keep trying though.

 

Now I'm focusing on my new job.

 

I met the girl I'm talking about online. She's beautiful in my mind and others because she's literally been on fashion magazine covers. Plus she gave me attention, plus we connected, plus we met each other over 5 times now.

 

It was all a shock - but the cold water really is that we are not working. We do creative work - as in art and music together which is great.

 

But I like her way more than she likes me. She shows signs but I can't take that she openly says she's not monogamous - but meanwhile I seem to be the realest thing next to her - I bring out her art and passion - the rest is her being sad most of the time - numbing herself and dealing with one night stands with women and men - who knows.

 

She's an intellectual and smart as well - but our values clash.

 

And when I said I don't like and am not for promiscuity she says I'm slut shaming.

 

I'm in my mid 30s shes mid 20s.

 

There's a lot of messing around with the youth. Really people can do whatever they want.

 

They can't choose what consequences they get - I just see so much potential in her and in a sense want to bring out the greatness in her and when we were together it was her art and my music - our "Voices" and "Greatness" but really that's not my job and I can't let it derail me.

 

Im not going to check for her for the next 5 months - from there I may decide to meet up with her after my head is clear more but I will be trying to meet a better girl more suited to me and my values until then.

[ExpatInItaly]

ExpatinItaly - I'm not lonely per se, but I haven't been in a long term relationship for almost 10 years now. I have been rejected by over 29 women since. Including one I met in a club a few days ago - same story - they're all over me in the club, get their number, talk, ext then it fizzles out.

 

This could be part of the problem right here. Clubs are not great places to meet serious dating candidates. Booze gets in the way too much, in that it lowers people's inhibitions and the club atmosphere encourages physical contact - but it's not a reliable indicator of someone's genuine interest once the lights go on and the buzz wears off.

 

The online girl is a bit of fantasy for you, it seems. You have her up on a pedestal, and while she might be physically attractive, you don't actually know her well enough to know she'd make a great partner (if she were monogamous) You haven't spent much time together in person, really. And what you do know runs contradictory to your own values. I think her looks are clouding your good sense about this one.

[health]

This could be part of the problem right here. Clubs are not great places to meet serious dating candidates. Booze gets in the way too much, in that it lowers people's inhibitions and the club atmosphere encourages physical contact - but it's not a reliable indicator of someone's genuine interest once the lights go on and the buzz wears off.

 

The online girl is a bit of fantasy for you, it seems. You have her up on a pedestal, and while she might be physically attractive, you don't actually know her well enough to know she'd make a great partner (if she were monogamous) You haven't spent much time together in person, really. And what you do know runs contradictory to your own values. I think her looks are clouding your good sense about this one.

 

You're right on all points here. I hardly even go to clubs. In a way I think it works. Cause my ex met the guy shes with now at a club. I left her 10 years ago and she jumped into a relationship with him. Rebounded but I guess while I thought it was evil - it worked cause theyre still together after 10 years. Even tho theyre on welfare and hes an alcoholic but whatever.

 

This new one her beauty is clouding my judgment. I do know her more than a little as we texted and talked for 2 years. We slept with each other and were with each other in total for over 15 days over 2 years.

 

Still I feel like a fool. She texted a racy message to me which was intended for either another guy or girl.

 

Love is an action.

 

To think that some lucky local guy or who knows gets such a wanting text from her makes me think that guy is a king. And I have to spend over $3000 in travel to see her for 4 days.

 

I once was loved by beautiful women but havent been much over the last 10 years.

 

Its shocking how ppl assume stunning guys or girls are promiscuous and non monogamus - and were taught that its rude to assume so.

 

But I know that even this girl is stunning but shy - shes also wild.

 

In all honesty Im not proud of who she is.

I dont want a girl like that I couldnt trust her.

 

I want a beautiful girl that I love and actually loves me.

 

Heck her if she did. Sometimes i think what if she really texted me that and meant it then denied it later.

 

Could it be another game?

 

I repeatedly asked if if its me shes talking to and she said yes. I even called her and she said yes and to call her the next day. Then she texts me she was drunk texting and it was intended for someone else and "sorry"

 

I really just want to forget her and focus on work

Everyone said I did great today and I never checked for her once! ?

[ExpatInItaly]

This new one her beauty is clouding my judgment. I do know her more than a little as we texted and talked for 2 years. We slept with each other and were with each other in total for over 15 days over 2 years.

Talking is not the same as consistently being around someone, though. You know only what she tells you and what she wants you to see. You don't truly know a person until you have spent considerable time together, in person. That is when you get to know their real daily rhythm, how they interact with the world, what they're like at their best and at their worst. Texting and talking is simply no substitution for in-person quality time. A few days here and there over the span of a couple years is very little.

 

To think that some lucky local guy or who knows gets such a wanting text from her makes me think that guy is a king. And I have to spend over $3000 in travel to see her for 4 days.

You don't have to do this. You choose to. There is a difference. You speak as though this girl is some unique and rare specimen, only gracing the most select men with her attention. Remember what I said about being blinded by her looks? This is what I'm talking about. You mention several other negative points about her but for some reason believe that any man would be lucky to interact with her.

 

I once was loved by beautiful women but havent been much over the last 10 years.

Again, see my point above about being more into her looks than her as a person.

 

Sometimes i think what if she really texted me that and meant it then denied it later.

 

Could it be another game?

 

I repeatedly asked if if its me shes talking to and she said yes. I even called her and she said yes and to call her the next day. Then she texts me she was drunk texting and it was intended for someone else and "sorry"

Whether or not it's a game isn't even the point, at the end of the day. The point is that you're attached to a dead-end. You know this occasional-FWB thing isn't going to go anywhere. I think you've been in denial about that, though, to some extent. My guess is that you were hoping she'd eventually change her mind, but you can see that isn't happening. Your lifestyles and relationship patterns are totally incompatible, and she lives too far away.

 

Out of curiosity, how do you know that your ex's partner is an alcoholic and that they're on welfare now?

Edited November 5, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[2much4]

I think you might be a bit scared of really bettering your life for good...sounds like self-sabotage and fear of success. You know this job transition is very important, but you stress about a girl in another country who's into sleeping around, alcohol and smoking, who never contacts you....

 

Just assume everything will go well. What can she really do to you?

[health]

Talking is not the same as consistently being around someone, though. You know only what she tells you and what she wants you to see. You don't truly know a person until you have spent considerable time together, in person. That is when you get to know their real daily rhythm, how they interact with the world, what they're like at their best and at their worst. Texting and talking is simply no substitution for in-person quality time. A few days here and there over the span of a couple years is very little.

 

You don't have to do this. You choose to. There is a difference. You speak as though this girl is some unique and rare specimen, only gracing the most select men with her attention. Remember what I said about being blinded by her looks? This is what I'm talking about. You mention several other negative points about her but for some reason believe that any man would be lucky to interact with her.

 

Again, see my point above about being more into her looks than her as a person.

 

Whether or not it's a game isn't even the point, at the end of the day. The point is that you're attached to a dead-end. You know this occasional-FWB thing isn't going to go anywhere. I think you've been in denial about that, though, to some extent. My guess is that you were hoping she'd eventually change her mind, but you can see that isn't happening. Your lifestyles and relationship patterns are totally incompatible, and she lives too far away.

 

Out of curiosity, how do you know that your ex's partner is an alcoholic and that they're on welfare now?

 

Amazing replies. I will get back to the new replies when I can

 

You're right that I only know her minimally. Also when we wern't filming this documentary we're doing - alot of times shed be buried in her phone and I'd call her out on it. Then rarely when Id do the same she'd get mad.

 

I am holding her on a pedastle. She is a model and did grace the cover of two fashion magazines - one which was across the street from me in the store in another country. Im from Canada shes from the states.

 

All this probably blows her up in my head. I thought she was confident. Then she ends up being shy and sad alot of the time. Then theres this other part where she actually uses her beauty to influence and gets wants she wants as she put it - I can get get guys or girls she said. The fact that its been hard for me she said thats not her problem. I do have issues meeting ppl and its like Im hurting myself over a girl who can get ppl easy. Whats funny is she does get rejected to and while I was out with her ppl would complement my clothes in front of her and its like I stole the show around her.

 

You are right Im blinded by external factors. If she didnt look like that shed be horrible. With her anger and addiction issues. I just learned the power of beauty and what it can cover up.

 

Also alot of ppl Ive shown pictures of her to dont think shes pretty at all.

 

If I can continue and art/business relationship with her where I don't get bothered or disempowered then fine but I too believe that it is a dead end.

 

I know that my ex got on welfare cause long time ago I saw what she put on her public facebook.

 

My ex and I were together for 5 plus years. I left her because she was a drop out, didnt work and had no direction. I left her out of anger didnt mean to. 3 days latee she rebounded.

 

It hurt me so much but I couldnt do anything. Her and I never drank or smoked weed even tho I used to our relationship was clean. She smoked ciggs.

 

Her new dude smoked weed, drank. As of 3 years ago I think they still used welfare citing ailments.

 

She ended up on anti psychotics and anti deppressants. Also hospitalized for mental issues.

 

I just tried to grow. Travelled to Europe NY, LA, Vegas etc...made creative projects that received publicity etc.

 

Read alot of books.

 

One win I consider is getting with this model girl Im talking about.

 

But the dream turned sour really fast.

 

I still considerate a success considering over the last 10 years I got with only her and 3 other girls.

 

I documented 30 specific girls I approached but didnt work out.

 

I am learning though.

 

I want real advice on meeting women none of this pick up artist stuff that seems so fake and plastic.

[health]

I think you might be a bit scared of really bettering your life for good...sounds like self-sabotage and fear of success. You know this job transition is very important, but you stress about a girl in another country who's into sleeping around, alcohol and smoking, who never contacts you....

 

Just assume everything will go well. What can she really do to you?

 

I agree. That's exactly what it is. You're right, it's more what I do to myself in the situation.

 

In some complete fantasy I'd love for her to break out and show her love for me. We had these real moments where she'd cry and I'd be there for her and it was so real. If that can work than great.

 

Until then I'm going to focus on work.

 

My boss was very impressed with my first 2 days. I supervise people - everyone got their work done and it was great!

 

That's what I'm committed to and reading books on Management.