Is He Narcissistic? Why Can't I Leave?

[KM3825]

I am in a really weird sad position and I feel like (and he makese feel like) I am going crazy. He makes me feel like I am the one who is toxic and controlling and I just need some advice because something always prevents me from kicking him out!

 

We have been married almost 10 years and been together almost 12. We have 2 kids together and one is just 3 months old and the other is 8.

 

At first he was so charming and complimentary of me and he made me feel so beautiful and important and passion for me. We used to do everything together grocery shopping showers everything and planned the future laughed it seemed like it was a dream couple the way we got along. I helped him build his business sometimes working at my job that paid all the bills and then going to help him every day after my job until 9pm. I do the cooking, most of the cleaning, child care, housework etc. I buy him things, surprises and try to keep the romance alive and plan vacations etc. Overall I feel like I'm a great wife and mother.

 

Little by little over these years he's slowly stopped doing everything he used to that made me happy- no more compliments, we do a lot separate now, we don't shower together, he just treats me cold or like he doesn't care a lot of the time. He has cheated on me with 3 separate people that I'm aware of one being his ex girlfriend before me who lives in another country in which he ended up having a daughter with. After all of these mess ups he promises he will be good and makes it out to be like I did something or pressured him and it made him cheat because he didn't feel happy.

 

I don't feel happy anymore I live in a constant state of anxiety and paranoia and I don't trust him at all and I'm always second guessing everything and don't believe anything he tells me. Every time I question him about something he gets mad and says I'm always paranoid and I'm crazy etc and makes me literally question myself and make me feel like I'm the one who is always overreacting or trying to be a detective etc. He always has his phone locked and acts shady but then swears he's not doing anything and acts like I'm crazy for thinking that's not normal to be that way.

 

When we fight and we talk about splitting up for some reason I just never let him go. I always try to fight to fix it and to make the relationship better and try to prevent him from leaving but it's always me putting all the effort. He doesn't do anything nice for me anymore really or make me feel good or secure but if I tell him that he always says like he is home every night etc and doesn't party or go out he's always with me so like i should be thankful.

 

I feel like so emotionally abused and scarred and I don't know what to do. I feel like I suffer from PTSD and anxiety now because of the way he manipulates me to feel like his actions are ok. I saw a therapist and they put me on low dose Prozac but I feel like it's not really working I feel like I'm wondering if I'm the crazy one like he says which makes me even feel worse. He always says "I never understand anything" and he can "never talk to me" and that I "freak out about everything because that's my nature." And throws a pity party for himself saying oh yes he's the worst and he should die and I'm perfect blah blah. Like making me feel like I'm the one who is wrong.

 

I'm attractive I'm funny and kind I have a great job own my home i have a lot of things going for me but yet I have low self esteem now and I feel like I just can't let him go. I feel like also I don't want to break my children's heart if we split up and the thought of him being with someone else also terrorizes me! Why is this so hard and what can I do? Has anyone had any experience like this before? Any advice is appreciated! Thank you!

[submart]

He indeed sounds like he has narcissitic traits. In any event, he is emotionally abusive. It's hard to leave an abusive relationship because YOU feel like the one in the wrong. Anyway, he doesn't sound like he will change because he has to admit he is wrong and that he no longer wants to treat you the way he is.

 

Do you have any family/friends/neighbors who you can take the kids and stay with? If not, look into long term stay hotels or even a shelter if you have to and get the heck out of there. Grab all the things that are essential for you and the kids (i.e. passorts, insurance cards, etc). When you get to where you are going immediately contact a lawyer and start the process of getting a divorce. Get a restraining order if you think he may come after you.

[GinON]

I will just add, think about you and the kids 3 years from now. free of this madness! Think of that baby that will never have to experience his abuse and how your 8 year old will learn to value themselves because they watched you do that.

 

3 times? He has no reason to believe in any consequences. You are worth more than how he is treating you.

 

Line up an exit strategy with a lawyers help and begin n a better life!

[Mr. Lucky]

He has cheated on me with 3 separate people that I'm aware of one being his ex girlfriend before me who lives in another country in which he ended up having a daughter with. After all of these mess ups he promises he will be good and makes it out to be like I did something or pressured him and it made him cheat because he didn't feel happy.

 

KM3825, you have a 3-month old baby with a man that's cheated on you three times - and you're questioning his judgement???

 

You'd be much better served wondering less about his character traits and more about your own. The real tragedy here is implication you don't feel you deserve better than this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

Ah, yes - the gaslighting to make you feel like YOU are the one in the wrong. Here is the best advice I can give you - once a cheater, always a cheater. You deserve better and so do your children. File for divorce. Don’t leave YOUR house. Make HIM leave. Trust me on this, staying with a cheater who emotionally abuses you is NOT what is best for the children. That was my excuse for staying in a marriage with a man for 32 years who cheated multiple times. Now I have three grown daughters who wouldn’t know a decent relationship if it were manufactured ideally for them. They have floundered from one bad relationship to another. I blame myself for not showing them that I cared enough about myself to demand better from their father. Don’t make the same mistake I made. It will be hard. You will mourn the loss of your marriage and so will your child who is old enough to understand. BUT, once you adjust, you will be happier and so will your children. Also, I am not sure how long you have taken the medication, but it does take up to a month to really start seeing the benefit. If it has been a month, ask your doctor to increase your dosage. It WILL help.

[BaileyB]

I stopped reading when I read that he had cheated on you three times with three different women...

 

This relationship is over, you just haven’t walked out the door yet. Why you haven’t done that - well that is for you to discover.

 

It feels to me that you are clinging to a fantasy and not accepting the reality of the situation (I don’t want to break my children’s hearts if we split up)... you children will deal with it. Do you think that they want to be raised in an unhappy home with a depressed mother and a cheating father?

 

It’s a big step to take - to accept that the relationship is over and imagine a better life for yourself... but, when a man treats you badly and you stay because you are afraid - that’s not good. I hope you find the courage to do what you need to do - for yourself and your children.