Beware Of Rose Coloured Glasses

[Samsara555]

Several months ago I made a post about a 3 year relationship that ended in me being ditched, and some really quite crazy things happening throughout. I went into this relationship at the age of 26, a relationship that for the most part was at a long distance.

 

I thought this girl was the love of my life, I had been in multiple long-ish relationships beforehand, but this one felt like a whole other level of companionship and mutual understanding.

To briefly go back over it, we couldn't be together in the same place physically for the latter part of the relationship, for various reasons, and what happened is that she met someone who she subsequently married after meeting for 10 days!

When I posted about this on this website, someone said I had dodged a bullet (they were right) but even months after I was still in love, so I disregarded this comment. However it seems that person was 100% bang on the money.

 

Now it has been a full year, I've been coping with the many stages of a break up, from sorrow, to anger, to self pity and so forth, but over time surfacing to reality and seeing things for how they really are.

This woman left her 2 young girls, abandoned them, to marry a guy who she barely knew. What makes that even worse is that she was abandoned by her own mother when she was just 7 years old, and she left her 2 girls with her ex husband. This man was never a fit father and actually I think he's a sociopath. But that is neither here nor there.

 

A few months after she remarried, she would message me from time to time, both of us breaking NC. She would come to me with her problems in her new marriage, how this guy is controlling and so forth; to the point that when they go to a restaurant she had to sit facing away from other guys lol!

Now I mostly accepted her messages and even spoke with her on the phone throughout this time. I was still in love, even though she had remarried and done all these things. And here's the kicker, this newly wedded couple are now living in different countries and taking a break. It's been this way for 3-4 months and that is down to the guy saying that he need space to resolve his alcoholism and jealousy issues...

 

Recently however, as in the last 1-2 months, the rose coloured glasses have really been pulled off. I've seen how she is a hypocrite, and how she is actually very manipulative! 3-4 months ago she was really hard up own money (in the entire 3 year relationship she never once asked for money and I didn't ever lend her any in person or online) but she really needed some, so I offered to lend her $250, and she said it may take a while to pay back, but I said that it was fine. A month later she stated that, if someone really loves and cares for another person, they wouldn't worry about the money..

Right there and then is where the final realisation kicked in, the entire illusion of this person had been broken.

 

There were so many red flags even right at the beginning, where she firstly lied about her age, and then kept the fact from me that she had an ex husband and 2 girls. Thereafter I came to see so many red flags, but in my stupidity, kind heart, and delusion, I thought she was someone that she isn't. This is the power of love, it really does skew and distort reality a lot of the time, and it has taken me a year after the initial break up to even realise this.

Did she ever love me, I'm not sure. The time and dedication that we did spend for those 3 years was quite surreal, and she never asked anything of me financially or whatever. I feel she didn't want to wait around anymore for an uncertain future with us, and a better opportunity showed itself. That doesn't detract away from the terrible choices and bad things she has done, and I really don't think she is a genuinely decent person as she likes to think or make out.

 

So yeah, be aware of the rose colour glasses and how they paint your world. Be careful when you're still in love after having being ditched by a former partner, it can be dangerous!

[carhill]

Good or otherwise, women long know that regardless of their behaviors there's always another man who wants to fck them. That sexual power frees them to be who they really are. Our job as men is to accept it, take off the rose colored glasses our desire to spawn impels and see them for who they really are and make decisions which are in our own best interest.

 

You experienced a classic manipulator. IME, nearly every woman I've known in life can execute that with razor sharp proficiency. Of course they generally don't do it all the time or with all people. You decide the acceptable amount of manipulative behaviors you'll tolerate. Rarely do they never exist.

 

Getting older and having more relationship and marital experience helps with the rose colored glasses thing. You're young so have plenty of opportunities. Enjoy them.

[Samsara555]

Good or otherwise, women long know that regardless of their behaviors there's always another man who wants to fck them. That sexual power frees them to be who they really are. Our job as men is to accept it, take off the rose colored glasses our desire to spawn impels and see them for who they really are and make decisions which are in our own best interest.

 

You experienced a classic manipulator. IME, nearly every woman I've known in life can execute that with razor sharp proficiency. Of course they generally don't do it all the time or with all people. You decide the acceptable amount of manipulative behaviors you'll tolerate. Rarely do they never exist.

 

Getting older and having more relationship and marital experience helps with the rose colored glasses thing. You're young so have plenty of opportunities. Enjoy them.

 

It is crazy how such a veil of illusion can overtake judgment for such a long time. And I do know it can work both ways, guys can manipulate women into situations and such, but I do agree that for the most part, that women have the ability more so.

 

It's funny because one of the things she told me about her marriage is that her husband wanted to go back to university and study again, in his mid 30s. She said to me in these words 'who does that in their mid 30s, you're meant to have your life sorted out by this age' - and then no more than a month later, she told me that she was going to university to study again.. The course she is taking is something she has literally no experience in, and actually it's my career sector! I dunno, she seems very impulsive with a bad sense of judgement, and this was another red flag I chose to ignore.

I guess those red flags are hidden when one is wearing rose coloured glasses

 

It does feel liberating though after all of this time to finally lay this to rest emotionally, to have come out of it not only fine, but a better person after having learned some things. I don't think I will ever offer my unspoken trust to that degree again, not that I'm bitter or cold, but caution needs to be taken

[namelessguy]

It is crazy how such a veil of illusion can overtake judgment for such a long time. And I do know it can work both ways, guys can manipulate women into situations and such, but I do agree that for the most part, that women have the ability more so.

 

It's funny because one of the things she told me about her marriage is that her husband wanted to go back to university and study again, in his mid 30s. She said to me in these words 'who does that in their mid 30s, you're meant to have your life sorted out by this age' - and then no more than a month later, she told me that she was going to university to study again.. The course she is taking is something she has literally no experience in, and actually it's my career sector! I dunno, she seems very impulsive with a bad sense of judgement, and this was another red flag I chose to ignore.

I guess those red flags are hidden when one is wearing rose coloured glasses

 

It does feel liberating though after all of this time to finally lay this to rest emotionally, to have come out of it not only fine, but a better person after having learned some things. I don't think I will ever offer my unspoken trust to that degree again, not that I'm bitter or cold, but caution needs to be taken

 

 

interesting. I know how this feels. right now though i am struggling to remove those rose tinted glasses on this one..

 

so for you, it worked out actually by staying in touch with this girl because it led you to really see the cracks and to lose your desire for her.

 

once all desire is lost, the feeling of wanting diminishes too

[Samsara555]

interesting. I know how this feels. right now though i am struggling to remove those rose tinted glasses on this one..

 

so for you, it worked out actually by staying in touch with this girl because it led you to really see the cracks and to lose your desire for her.

 

once all desire is lost, the feeling of wanting diminishes too

 

Yeah it only really happened because she herself cracked those glasses for me, by being herself. I do agree that once clinging is gone, desire is gone too, and then so is suffering. It is basically part of the 12 casual links described in Buddhism

 

A crazy thing that happened when we last spoke is that she said that she's pregnant with her husbands baby, and she wants to focus on making a family with him. Yet they still lived in separate countries due to their differences (but are moving back soon I think) and a couple of months before she literally said that me and her should meet up and see if we can make a future together.

I responded with, 'firstly you're still married' to which she replied that it's pretty much over because he's too jealous and has too many issues.

Even then I didn't feel right, but the fact is that a mere 2 months later she is trying to make a future with him, a husband that she basically wrote off 2 months earlier lol...

She literally said to me 'can you not see a future with me and you together in at some point, living together'?

 

But yeah nameless guy, I have learned this lesson the hard way, in retrospect it would have been easier to just erase her from my life from the beginning, and not go through the constant back and forth, opening old wounds and so forth. I wish you the best with your rose coloured glasses!

Edited November 6, 2018 by Samsara555

[Garcon1986]

Man sorry to hear this story, she was some kind of expert manipulator.

 

To the more experienced citizens of loveshack? Do these type of expert manipulator women have no remorse of leaving a trail of emotional destruction on the men close to them?

 

What is a lifetime of learning this skill like? Do they not know what guilt is? Do they just learn this from their family, and consider it normal? I've only ever met one pediatric patient whose mom forced him to continue to have his medical condition, so that she could earn disability checks off of her poor child's medical condition and a few other parents who have physically assaulted their children. When I see people this twisted, it makes me definitely put the ears up and pay attention.

[carhill]

IME, the most consistently hurtful and skilled come from really challenging FOO situations. Abuse, neglect, molestation, rape, broken down family units. They learn to survive by manipulating their environment. Add in some substance abuse, personality disorders and pain projection and it's a ripe environment to wreak relationship destruction.

 

The males trended more to violence to control their environment and survive.

 

The problem for guys who didn't get the street smarts on women early (I was one of those) and who didn't have manipulative female role models was that they became ripe victims. Too gentle, too trusting, too forgiving, too almost everything unhealthy when dealing with manipulative behaviors. School of hard knocks. Perhaps it's something some people have to go through, IDK. My programming was strong and I was stubborn so it took nearly a decade to accept women for who they are. They ain't June Cleaver.

[Samsara555]

IME, the most consistently hurtful and skilled come from really challenging FOO situations. Abuse, neglect, molestation, rape, broken down family units. They learn to survive by manipulating their environment. Add in some substance abuse, personality disorders and pain projection and it's a ripe environment to wreak relationship destruction.

 

The males trended more to violence to control their environment and survive.

 

The problem for guys who didn't get the street smarts on women early (I was one of those) and who didn't have manipulative female role models was that they became ripe victims. Too gentle, too trusting, too forgiving, too almost everything unhealthy when dealing with manipulative behaviors. School of hard knocks. Perhaps it's something some people have to go through, IDK. My programming was strong and I was stubborn so it took nearly a decade to accept women for who they are. They ain't June Cleaver.

 

Kudos to you sir, you've hit several nails on the head.

My ex was abused sexually as a young girl by a family member, and she has had a tough time with her mom leaving her at a young age too... So maybe she picked up such skills along the way growing up, which makes sense.

 

And yeah, my mom is awesome and not manipulative, my Dad left home when I was around 7, so I grew up in a house around my mom and sister pretty much, and my first gf's were really decent people too looking back on it.

 

Having these glasses taken off is a real awakening, but I don't want to think every single woman is this way, or has the ability to be this way, and don't want to be 100% untrusting going into the future.

[Samsara555]

What is a lifetime of learning this skill like? Do they not know what guilt is? Do they just learn this from their family, and consider it normal?

 

I have actually called her a manipulator before, and not just with me but in general. This was only around a few months ago, and she obviously took huge offence to it.

I am not sure she is fully aware of what she is doing, some people can apply mental gymnastics to where they either justify their actions completely, or they cannot even see the reality of their actions. My ex actually thinks that she's a down to earth and loving / caring person. I asked her why she thinks that she's a good person around the same time I called her out on being a manipulator, and she replied that she loves animals and takes care of them whenever she can, by feeding stray cats and dogs etc lol..

 

I dunno, I think it has a lot do with them making things justified within their own minds, even though they are being selfish and hurting others, they manage to make it 'ok' in their heads somehow.

[namelessguy]

Yeah it only really happened because she herself cracked those glasses for me, by being herself. I do agree that once clinging is gone, desire is gone too, and then so is suffering. It is basically part of the 12 casual links described in Buddhism

-------

But yeah nameless guy, I have learned this lesson the hard way, in retrospect it would have been easier to just erase her from my life from the beginning, and not go through the constant back and forth, opening old wounds and so forth. I wish you the best with your rose coloured glasses!

 

Yeah for me, by reaching out and being shot down, has giving me fuel to see things from a different lense you could say, as some of the things she said were hurtful and actions/words I never once envisaged her being able to say to me. Sigh. But the tint is still very strong. So I have some personal struggles here in order to fully recover and move on, but I will remain in NC.

 

From what I have read from you here, you have 100% dodged a bullet. Now don't catch a grenade!

 

Yes in hindsight it would have been better for you to have erased her from the start, but then that is very hard to do because it goes against your natural instincts.. it simply doesn't work that way. This is one lesson I am learning now and will apply going forward, don't trust your instincts/emotions and follow the logical brain.

 

I agree when you say about justifying things in their own minds. Mine made up some bs narrative in her mind which she used to justify her poor actions. She could never see my side of things and there was no compromise.

[Samsara555]

Yeah for me, by reaching out and being shot down, has giving me fuel to see things from a different lense you could say, as some of the things she said were hurtful and actions/words I never once envisaged her being able to say to me. Sigh. But the tint is still very strong. So I have some personal struggles here in order to fully recover and move on, but I will remain in NC.

 

From what I have read from you here, you have 100% dodged a bullet. Now don't catch a grenade!

 

Yes in hindsight it would have been better for you to have erased her from the start, but then that is very hard to do because it goes against your natural instincts.. it simply doesn't work that way. This is one lesson I am learning now and will apply going forward, don't trust your instincts/emotions and follow the logical brain.

 

I agree when you say about justifying things in their own minds. Mine made up some bs narrative in her mind which she used to justify her poor actions. She could never see my side of things and there was no compromise.

 

People do tend to show their true colours sooner or later, and when they do, it is a shock to the system. Like you said, you could never of imagined her saying those things, it's like a totally different person.

I do feel there are times when we need to follow our gut instinct, it has proven me right countless times in life, but there are also times where logic needs to be applied.

 

Wish you all the best with your journey, soon enough you'll be able to look back and laugh about all of this, trust me

[Samsara555]

*UPDATE*

 

So it wasn't too long ago where I told my ex to leave me alone to get on with my life. She made it seem mutual as she claimed that she wanted to focus on her soon to be born baby, and making a family with her husband. I needed to remind her that I had been the one who had wanted her to leave my life for the longest time.

 

Anyway, she messaged me today. What did she want to say you may be wondering, what valid reason would she have for messaging her ex bf whilst focusing on her family as she stated. Well earlier in this thread I said she had started university recently, studying the exact subject that my career is based around (design) and she needed to know an answer to a problem relating to some design software, as she has an exam on it tomorrow lol.

She started off by saying;

'I'm not sure if you will reply to this message Mr.Hater' ...

 

Of course I'm not going to reply, and actually I blocked her email address on Outlook, but somehow I still receive messages? This is girl is unbelievable I swear