Did my fwb lead me on?

[kamani]

I am in a open marriage due to several reasons. We are married for 13 years now, We opened our marriage very recently. I love my husband very much no intention to leave him, full stop. My marriage is not the topic of this thread, my fwb is. We found an fwb called John.

 

We meet each other only for sex. It has been about 7 months now and we see each other about twice a month. We sext only. I always wanted more frequently, but that's what he could offer so far. Sex was mind blowing.

 

As usual, I caught feelings but I know relationship may not work, I am married, he is almost a stranger, so this is more about Oxycontin.

 

With time John's 'I love your breasts' became 'I love you baby'. Quick after sex kiss became hundred gentle and passionate kisses. Then he says 'We are great together'. 'I want you all the time'. The good bye hug became a long and very tight hug followed by a long kiss. Yet he could ignore my text any time. He hated the condom from the very beginning but I didn't allow unprotected sex.

 

However few weeks ago he looked so into me, the stupid me allowed him without the condom. ( I am infertile, he doesn't know). Next time when I was insisting on protection he said he doesn't sleep around. 'It's only you'. etc.

 

About one week ago while sexting he asked me whether I got 'strong feelings' for him. He told me I could have him all the time if I was with him. I made him clear that I couldn't be with him even if I liked him and offered to end the fwb. But he wanted to continue. However I am more invested I know.

 

And last weekend he said he wanted to catch up twice before he leaves for New York for 10 days. So we had sex on Saturday and made plans to meet on Monday. On Monday he blew me off in the last minute saying he has dinner with his clients who leaves country on the following day. I want to end this now.

 

What may be his intention? To lead me on so that he can get better sex? To continue getting unprotected sex? What do you think guys?

Edited November 4, 2018 by kamani

[central]

I think he's developed some feelings for you, and while he has expressed them to a degree, he's also protecting himself because he realizes that the FWB relationship will not develop into something more. These two urges conflict with each other, so his behavior is also conflicted. (I was in a 5-plus year FWB relationship, have an open marriage, and am still friends with my former FWB. There are signs that we may resume as FWB, or develop a poly relationship.)

 

I believe you when you say you won't leave your marriage, so that leaves three options: continue as is, realizing he's conflicted, and you may be as well; end the relationship entirely (and perhaps find someone else); or, consider a polyamorous relationship with him and your husband, if the latter is open to it. Of course, at this point you don't know that much about John, since your interactions are mostly constrained to sex, so a poly relationship would have to develop slowly. The flip side is that this course could just as easily lead to breaking up. In fact, ending things is the more likely result, than polyamory. Only you know enough to decide how best to proceed, but it may be worth discussing options with your husband.

[basil67]

When you ask if he's leading you on, it's like your framing yourself as a victim here. But you hold all the cards. You've got both a husband and a boyfriend who's got feelings for you.

 

If anything, I think he's probably feeling really conflicted by your actions towards him. All the soft, gentle kisses and great sex...but you're not leaving your husband.

[Chilli]

What difference would it make though. Your using him he's using you , that's what that is , and your suppose to love your H anyway you say, although l dunno how that could be though tbh.

[kamani]

When you ask if he's leading you on, it's like your framing yourself as a victim here. But you hold all the cards. You've got both a husband and a boyfriend who's got feelings for you.

 

No. My life is not a fairy tale as you portray. I am hurting a lot that's why I want to end things which seems fair for everyone. I had to write my thread that way, to make it short. if I try to write all what I feel it will be very long and no one will read.

 

I am not doing this to explore because one man is not enough for me. I was a virgin when I started with my husband and he is the only relationship or marriage I had. Again it will be a very long story to explain the reasons for doing this now. But it worked fairly.

 

At the beginning of the arrangement I suggested John meeting once a week which never happened. He was saying he was 'busy' when I tried. I am asking you what his intentions could be as actions speak louder than words. When a man is offered sex, he won't say 'busy' if he is that much into a woman. He was saying all these things when he was horny.

[elaine567]

Difficult to say if he is catching feelings or not, or is he just mirroring you as you started to develop feelings?

He may be totally besotted or he may just be protecting the regular sex and keeping you sweet and on board may do that.

 

If you are ending things anyway, then it is irrelevant how he feels.

[d0nnivain]

Your FWB is not leading you on. He wants more than you can give. Once a FWB catches feelings the benefits have to stop. You continuing with him is only hurting him.

[kamani]

Your FWB is not leading you on. He wants more than you can give. Once a FWB catches feelings the benefits have to stop. You continuing with him is only hurting him.

 

I don't know whether he is hurting, I know I am hurting. I have always been honest with him, never tried to lead him on or lied. However I am also human and I could have blurred the lines and breaking the first and foremost rule from my end, allowing unprotected sex in the last two times.

 

My question is 'Could he blow me up like that in the last minute, if he thought I was more than a warm body?' Why doesn't his actions line up with his words? He didn't even bother to let me know even, we could not catch up on the last day, till I asked. And then after knowing the reason I didn't text as well and he left for New York as arranged within few days without further communication from any party. I felt like a doormat.

 

I know when you agree for FWB this is the behaviour you sign up for. Unfortunately I cared more and expected to be cared more. I could never do that to him. I don't want anyone to get hurt further.

Edited November 5, 2018 by kamani

[Mr. Lucky]

It has been about 7 months now and we see each other about twice a month. We sext only.

 

allowing unprotected sex in the last two times.

 

How do you have unprotected sex in a "sext only" relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I know when you agree for FWB this is the behaviour you sign up for. Unfortunately I cared more and expected to be cared more. I could never do that to him. I don't want anyone to get hurt further.

 

When you sign up for FWB, you sign up for the unexpected.

 

FWBs are fraught with complications from the participants who find that their feelings aren't what they expected. People made a decision based on how they *think* they will feel, but then find out the reality is something different. FWB is rarely easy and clean cut, especially so if one of the participants is already in a relationship.

[sabaton]

We meet each other only for sex. It has been about 7 months now and we see each other about twice a month. We sext only. I always wanted more frequently, but that's what he could offer so far. Sex was mind blowing.

Why don't you consider taking another guy or 2 other more guys as FWB? Try a few guys, the chances of you finding another guy who is as good in bed as your current FWB increase that way.

 

As usual, I caught feelings but I know relationship may not work, I am married, he is almost a stranger, so this is more about Oxycontin.

Get yourself a few more guys to have a FWB with, and your oxycontin production will become regulated. Right now your body is tricking you into feeling emotionally attached to this guy because he's the only man you're having sex with, currently. Start having regular sex with 2, 3 guys more and you won't be having ''feelings'' for the first guy no longer.

 

With time John's 'I love your breasts' became 'I love you baby'.

Yes, I say that too, but it has nothing to do with what is classically considered to be love. It's just that the sex is so good we end up complimenting the woman we're having sex with by saying we love her. Not because we do. We don't. It just keeps the sex coming freely.

Quick after sex kiss became hundred gentle and passionate kisses. Then he says 'We are great together'. 'I want you all the time'. The good bye hug became a long and very tight hug followed by a long kiss. Yet he could ignore my text any time. He hated the condom from the very beginning but I didn't allow unprotected sex.

That's because this guy knows what to do if he wants to keep getting free sex lol. He ignores you when he's not having sex with you because he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you, so you better hang on to that husband of yours, because good husbands are rare to find these days.

 

However few weeks ago he looked so into me, the stupid me allowed him without the condom. ( I am infertile, he doesn't know). Next time when I was insisting on protection he said he doesn't sleep around. 'It's only you'. etc.

You should head to a STD clinic and undergo testing to figure out if you are infected, although you probably have oral sex with this guy, and without a condom.

 

About one week ago while sexting he asked me whether I got 'strong feelings' for him. He told me I could have him all the time if I was with him. I made him clear that I couldn't be with him even if I liked him and offered to end the fwb. But he wanted to continue. However I am more invested I know.

That guy knows how to play the fiddle well. Probably has years, decades of experience doing the same to other married women. It's easy. The easiest way for a man to find a steady source of casual sex is to meet women who have been married for 5 to 10 years, ideally with them having gotten married to their husbands while they were in their late teens and early teens, which will make those women feel like they missed out(and they did) by getting married so young.

 

Guys like that know what to say, when to say, and how to say it. ''I have never felt this way about a woman before'' <- when he's talking about why he's been single so long, after the married woman he just had sex with is asking him why such a great guy as he is is still single.

 

And last weekend he said he wanted to catch up twice before he leaves for New York for 10 days. So we had sex on Saturday and made plans to meet on Monday. On Monday he blew me off in the last minute saying he has dinner with his clients who leaves country on the following day. I want to end this now.

He was probably either sleeping with other women, or he was wiht his wife. If you want to end this just send him a text message saying you want out of this arrangement, and block his numbers and social media and all that.

 

What may be his intention? To lead me on so that he can get better sex? To continue getting unprotected sex? What do you think guys?

lol what does every man want? Free sex. That's what he's getting from you, and I bet you do every sex act he asks you to, so why would he want this to end, and why would he tell you that he's not interested in marrying you?

[sabaton]

When you sign up for FWB, you sign up for the unexpected.

 

FWBs are fraught with complications from the participants who find that their feelings aren't what they expected. People made a decision based on how they *think* they will feel, but then find out the reality is something different. FWB is rarely easy and clean cut, especially so if one of the participants is already in a relationship.

 

Nah. Fwbs are fine, they don't have to suffer from emotional complications as long as people play those FWBS right.

 

The reason why people fall under the illusion that they are in love with the person they are having sex with is because, usually, they're only having sex with one FWB at a time, and when these women who have probably never met a guy who cares enough to find the clit suddenly find themselves having orgasm after orgasm - what happens?

 

They begin to associate fantastical romantic meanings to the guy's actions, words and behavior, and then they, the women themselves, trick their brains into falling in ''love'' with the men who are providing this immense level of sexual pleasure.

 

Then there are those women who have romantic feelings for the guy, and in their attempt to try to convince the guy into date them, they enter FWB arrangments with him.

 

Just get several FWBs at the same time, OP. Since you won't be getting good, high quality sex from just one guy, you won't be developing ''feelings'' for anyone.

[BaileyB]

When you ask if he's leading you on, it's like your framing yourself as a victim here. But you hold all the cards. You've got both a husband and a boyfriend who's got feelings for you.

 

I agree with this. If anyone is leading anyone on here, I would say that you are leading him on now.

 

He has developed feelings and he wants more from the relationship. If that's the case, the kind thing to do is end it if you know that you are never going to leave your husband.

[BaileyB]

My question is 'Could he blow me up like that in the last minute, if he thought I was more than a warm body?'.

 

Of course he can. If he has developed feelings for you, his mind and his emotions are probably at war. He wants to see you, but he knows that he shouldn't because it will hurt. So, he blows you off at the last moment - I see it as an act of self-preservation.

[elaine567]

Just get several FWBs at the same time, OP. Since you won't be getting good, high quality sex from just one guy, you won't be developing ''feelings'' for anyone.

 

All very well but she is a married woman, she doesn't need the hassle of a harem of guys popping in and out of her life, no doubt leaving chaos and mayhem in their wake. Guys do not tend to do too well in harems, they want to be the only one...

She needs a nice steady guy who will not rock the boat too much, and who will be happy to operate within the confines of her open marriage.

[BaileyB]

She needs a nice steady guy who will not rock the boat too much, and who will be happy to operate within the confines of her open marriage.

 

Good luck trying to find that.

 

I think it's really difficult to find someone long term who doesn't develop feelings. In this case, he has developed feelings. On the flip side - you find a man and he develops feelings for another woman... the woman will then be disappointed and feel rejected when he starts to flake out on their arrangement in favor of the other woman. It's just not usually a sustainable long term thing...

[sabaton]

Good luck trying to find that.

 

I think it's really difficult to find someone long term who doesn't develop feelings. In this case, he has developed feelings. On the flip side - you find a man and he develops feelings for another woman... the woman will then be disappointed and feel rejected when he starts to flake out on their arrangement in favor of the other woman. It's just not usually a sustainable long term thing...

 

Nah. I doubt the guy she's having a FWB with has developed feelings. I don't tell women that I'm in a FWB relationship that I could just as easily leave them as I can sleep with them, if things start getting bored. Why? because that would end the FWB and the free sex tap would be closed.

 

So what I do is that I am sweet on them, I treat them well, and I am ''romantic.'' But I have no intention on downgrading the relationship into something serious.

 

I doubt she has feelings for this guy. She enjoys the sex, and because this guy is the only guy she's having sex with she's going to want to feel that she does have feelings for him, but in reality that ain't so, and if she was to do what I suggested her to do - find herself a few more FWB guys - all of her sexual energy and focus wouldn't be on this guy.

[kamani]

Yes, I say that too, but it has nothing to do with what is classically considered to be love. It's just that the sex is so good we end up complimenting the woman we're having sex with by saying we love her. Not because we do. We don't. It just keeps the sex coming freely.

 

Well I know what you mean here love has far deeper meaning than just getting attached to someone you have sex.

 

Sabaton, do you tell your FWB,

 

'We are great together'. 'I want you all the time' . 'I have been missing you'. 'You could have me all the time if you were here' sort of things as well? Before sex, when you are texting horny or during sex?

 

And Sabaton, do you continue to sleep with her when you know she has feelings? You never developed feelings for them?

 

That's because this guy knows what to do if he wants to keep getting free sex lol. He ignores you when he's not having sex with you because he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you, so you better hang on to that husband of yours, because good husbands are rare to find these days.

 

Agreed. But I am not sure about him due to mixed signals.

 

 

He was probably either sleeping with other women, or he was wiht his wife. If you want to end this just send him a text message saying you want out of this arrangement, and block his numbers and social media and all that.

 

 

Probably sleeping with other women, which he has right to. However when I insists on the condom he got defensive and started claiming it is only me.

 

No he doesn't have a wife or a girlfriend at the moment. I made sure before we started the arrangement as I have not or will not engage in cheating. So while we text, if the discussion goes very occasionally further that sexting, I have twice requested John to let me know and end FWB in case he gets into a relationship, so that I could wish him good luck and walk out. He replied 'I'll let you know if and when the time comes'.

 

So this needs to come to an end sooner or later. I am dead certain that I won't make a drama when he finds a girlfriend and will never look back. However I am sure I will be feeling hurt when loosing him which I would bear up silently, when that happens.

Edited November 6, 2018 by kamani

[sabaton]

Well I know what you mean here love has far deeper meaning than just getting attached to someone you have sex.

Yes, sex is just sex. It only has the meaning that people want to attach to it. Love is devotion. Dedication. Being with someone through thin and thick, and that's far more important than sex could ever be.

 

Sabaton, do you tell your FWB,

 

'We are great together'. 'I want you all the time' . 'I have been missing you'. 'You could have me all the time if you were here' sort of things as well? Before sex, when you are texting horny or during sex?

Yes, I do. I want sex, and to get sex I'm going to tell the girl what she wants to hear. If she wants to hear that she's the most special person in the world to me that is what I'm going to tell her even if she isn't, because I love sex, and she's good in bed.

 

And Sabaton, do you continue to sleep with her when you know she has feelings? You never developed feelings for them?

Yes, I do. I continue to have sex with a FWB because I don't believe those feelings for me are real, and even if they are I'm not really going to throw away a good thing just because of a minor detail.

 

She is sex-drunk on the orgasms that I can provide as I am a very attentive lover and it gives me enormous pleasure to make women go through an orgasm and then another and then another and to keep on doing that for as long as we spend those hours together, so there are girls that start talking about starting a relationship with me but I quickly shut that down by telling them that they deserve someone much better than me, that I am a man-child stuck in guyland https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guyland and that I would be an awful boyfriend, which is 100% the truth.

 

You never developed feelings for them?

I've never developed feelings over anyone. I love beautiful women and I get lost in their beauty. I'm fascinated by it. but that's it. I don't develop emotional bonds with anyone.

 

Probably sleeping with other women, which he has right to. However when I insists on the condom he got defensive and started claiming it is only me.

yeah, he does that because he's really enjoying having sex without a condom. Don't let him have sex with you without a condom! he's very likely sleeping with other women, and who's to say he's wearing a condom with them??

 

No he doesn't have a wife or a girlfriend at the moment. I made sure before we started the arrangement as I have not or will not engage in cheating. So while we text, if the discussion goes very occasionally further that sexting, I have twice requested John to let me know and end FWB in case he gets into a relationship, so that I could wish him good luck and walk out. He replied 'I'll let you know if and when the time comes'.

How do you know for certain he's not in a relationship?

 

So this needs to come to an end sooner or later. I am dead certain that I won't make a drama when he finds a girlfriend and will never look back. However I am sure I will be feeling hurt when loosing him which I would bear up silently, when that happens.

If you are emotionally attached to this guy, yeah, you are going to feel at least some emotional pain when/if he finds a girlfriend, but this too will pass. Pain is temporary and no one is irreplaceable so much that you won't continue with your life. You will, and you'll meet other men who'll be as attractive and as lovely and as into you as this guy is right now