My best friend lost her virginity through a dating app

[pichxx]

So here's the story:

 

My best friend "Nicole" and I are currently long distance since she lives abroad to pursue her degree. Before moving abroad, we always talked about how we should tell and update each other about everything going on in our lives while we're apart. Anyway, She is currently 21 years old and she never had a boyfriend or experience with love, s** or anything. Zero experience.

 

Today, she opened up to me about how she lost her virginity. She told me that she's been using this dating app. When she used the app, she met up with 3 guys. The first guy was her first ever by doing oral sex only. The second guy was also the same, oral s*** only. Both of the first two guys were only a one time thing and now over. Now, the third guy "Miguel", when they met for the first time, she only did oral on him. But then, after their first meet up, Nicole told me that this guy was still talking to her. So they both continued to "meet up" so that they could continue doing it. She lost her virginity to Miguel when they met for the 4th time, and still on-going up until now. To be honest, I think what she is doing is very wrong. I really don't support it or anything.

 

I honestly don't know how to react/what to do/say because she's my best friend ever since high school and knowing her, she wouldn't do this, but then it already happened. I don’t know if I should feel sad and disappointed, but then she hid this to me for how many months now. I also asked her if she finds Miguel attractive, but she said no not at all. She doesn’t feel anything for him. I think they're just using each other for s** and she would go back to him again and again just to have s**. No labels or anything, but “F***k buddies" maybe.

 

I reacted by telling her what she did was wrong and that I am disappointed at her. I think she is mad at me now after we talked about it. What do I do and how do I fix this? I don't want our friendship to get ruined over this, but then I still can't believe that she's doing this. I kind of don't see her the same way anymore after what she told me. I never expected that she would do this. Also, it makes me feel like I failed being a best friend to her. But I can’t blame her for this. I can’t blame her for changing. Am I being unreasonable?

[grays]

Do you have a crush on her? Seems like you’re taking this personally even though it has nothing to do with you.

[pichxx]

I'm just bothered and shooked I don't know why. She hid this to me for how many months. It kind of feels like I failed to be a real friend to her because maybe she had personal problems and it led to her meeting up with guys and having sex with them? Like it become her outlet. But I really don't know. She's not the type of person who opens up about her problems.

[grays]

Is she upset? Maybe she is doing just what she needs to do.

[pichxx]

She didn't tell me if she had any problems or opened up to me about family, financial problems, etc. She only opened up to me about losing her virginity.

 

After telling her my thoughts about it, she started crying, which I think offended her. I kind of misjudged her by telling her why would you do this kind of thing wherein you meet up with different guys and have sex with them. She told me that she felt bored and she just wanted to get it over with before turning 21.

 

I know that there is nothing to do about it, but I still think that what she did was wrong. She also hid this to me for months so she's been lying to me all this time.

 

Now, she doesn't want to talk to me. The way our talk ended was that she simply put down the phone without saying goodbye and she isn't talking to me nor replying to my texts anymore.

 

I love and care about my best friend so much. I don't want to lose our friendship over this. What do I do?

[basil67]

After receiving judgement from you, she's probably sitting there flipping a finger in your direction. First things first, you can't recover the friendship if you can't accept her for who she is. Second, you need to give an unreserved apology for being judgemental. Third, you need to accept that her decisions are not about you and your friendship.

[pichxx]

Was it wrong for me to be honest with her? No filter and all by telling her straight forward that what she did was wrong. I'm just trying to be a good friend here too because I care about her. How do I apologize to her properly or what can I do if she doesn't want to talk to me?

Edited November 4, 2018 by pichxx

[basil67]

Yes, it was wrong to be so judgemental. At this point where you're thinking she's a liar for not telling you the ins and outs of her life and judging her for not living it how you think she should, there is NO coming back.

 

If you can come to peace with her decisions and realise how rude you've been, then a sincere apology may help recover the friendship. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

[pichxx]

Honestly, this is a tough one. I honestly don't know what to do or say to her anymore after what happened, but I still want to be there for her. She's really one of my bestest friends and this is the biggest problem we've had together compared to some of the fights we had before.

 

I just feel sad for her part too because what if she gets attached to the guy? She may end up in so much pain.

Edited November 4, 2018 by pichxx

[basil67]

Honestly, this is a tough one. I honestly don't know what to do or say to her anymore after what happened, but I still want to be there for her. She's really one of my bestest friends and this is the biggest problem we've had together compared to some of the fights we had before.

 

I just feel sad for her part too because what if she gets attached to the guy? She may end up in so much pain.

 

So what if she gets attached to him? We all suffer heartbreak, then we get over it and move on. She's no different to the rest of us. It's like you see her as some delicate flower to be protected and cherished rather than as a woman who makes her own decisions and lives whatever results will come her way.

 

Do you have romantic feelings for her? It's the only reason I can see for you to be having this type of reaction.

[pichxx]

I'm not so sure too if I have some feelings for her, but I have to let her be.

[basil67]

I'm not so sure too if I have some feelings for her, but I have to let her be.

 

Yes, you have to let her be without judgement or expectations of what she shares about her life. Now go and give an apology and promise that you'll quit with the attitude.

[pichxx]

If I apologize now I don't think she will read or care about it. I'll have to wait when we see each other in person right? How do you think should I apologize? Like what do I tell her?

Edited November 4, 2018 by pichxx

[basil67]

If I apologize now I don't think she will read or care about it. I'll have to wait when we see each other in person right? How do you think should I apologize? Like what do I tell her?

 

I’m sorry, I can’t tell you the answer to this. She may not want to forgive you.

[elaine567]

She shared something very personal and private with you as her best friend and what did you do?

Rip into her and judge her for her actions.

She has cut you off and I doubt this is repairable as you are now two different people with different views on life.

If you were living next door to each other then maybe but as you are separated by a long distance then I doubt you can fix this.

[pichxx]

Before all this, she told me that she's coming back home this month since she'll be on break. Maybe we could talk about it more properly and in person. I mean, we have too right? Because I made the situation worse.

 

I'm not good with words and I need help on how should I apologize to her sincerely? Like what do I tell her?

Edited November 4, 2018 by pichxx

[d0nnivain]

It's not your place to tell her how to live her life. Your moral code does not apply to her. Since you think what she did was so wrong, perhaps it is best if you allow this friendship to be over. She doesn't need you sitting there being holier than thou & making her feel bad about her choices.

 

If you are truly remorseful for the mean things you said & the sanctimonious way you belittled her, sincerely apologize.

 

If you still think that she is wrong, leave her alone.

 

If she gets, hurt by Miguel, she gets hurt. That is part of life & love. She may not be in love with him. She may have no illusions. She may simply have wanted to experience the carnal side of sex, for the pure physical enjoyment. I'm sure you can't relate to that.

 

Bottom line, friends or not, you don't get to make decisions about her sex life.

[pichxx]

It's not your place to tell her how to live her life. Your moral code does not apply to her. Since you think what she did was so wrong, perhaps it is best if you allow this friendship to be over. She doesn't need you sitting there being holier than thou & making her feel bad about her choices.

 

If you are truly remorseful for the mean things you said & the sanctimonious way you belittled her, sincerely apologize.

 

If you still think that she is wrong, leave her alone.

 

If she gets, hurt by Miguel, she gets hurt. That is part of life & love. She may not be in love with him. She may have no illusions. She may simply have wanted to experience the carnal side of sex, for the pure physical enjoyment. I'm sure you can't relate to that.

 

Bottom line, friends or not, you don't get to make decisions about her sex life.

You're right. As her best friend, it was very wrong for me to judge her. I was the one who hurt her regarding this situation, and I have no right or control regarding her decisions on the stuff she wants to do.

 

I regret everything now. I feel so bad. It’s all my fault.

Edited November 4, 2018 by pichxx

[d0nnivain]

So fix it. I'm sorry are very powerful words.

[pichxx]

I’m sorry, I can’t tell you the answer to this. She may not want to forgive you.

 

Hi Basil67, I think I should give the both of us some time first right? Before I sincerely apologize to her. Because if I do it now, she may ignore me and not listen to what I have to tell her.

 

And, do you think that it would be better for both of us if I just decide to end our friendship?

[stillafool]

She didn't tell me if she had any problems or opened up to me about family, financial problems, etc. She only opened up to me about losing her virginity.

 

After telling her my thoughts about it, she started crying, which I think offended her. I kind of misjudged her by telling her why would you do this kind of thing wherein you meet up with different guys and have sex with them. She told me that she felt bored and she just wanted to get it over with before turning 21.

 

I know that there is nothing to do about it, but I still think that what she did was wrong. She also hid this to me for months so she's been lying to me all this time.

 

 

Why does she have to tell you everything? Especially as it relates to her sex life.

[sabaton]

So here's the story:

 

My best friend "Nicole" and I are currently long distance since she lives abroad to pursue her degree. Before moving abroad, we always talked about how we should tell and update each other about everything going on in our lives while we're apart. Anyway, She is currently 21 years old and she never had a boyfriend or experience with love, s** or anything. Zero experience.

<SNIP>

 

 

 

 

so.... are you a guy or a woman? And regardless of what gender you belong to.. do you have a crush on her? Bro, this is why you hit on the girl you are interested in as soon as you meet her, and if by any chance you developed feelings or a sexual attraction to her, you do the same. You instantly hit on her, and if she doesn't correspond you move on and find yourself another girl that is into you..

Edited November 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

My reaction would have been "Why do you feel like you have to do oral on every guy you meet up with?" So I see why you're alarmed, but it's her life and she'll have to learn the hard way. Yes, you were judgmental, but I mean, she's a friend and sometimes if a friend is getting way out there in left field, you have to let them know not everyone thinks that is cool.

[WomenWubber]

Where was she wrong in the first place? You should apology to her if you are truly sorry about being an a$$ to her, but if your moral compass doesn't align with hers maybe you should look for another friend.

[MustyMustard]

I had a close platonic friend in the eighties. It was a woman I worked with. I have to admit I was taken aback when she told me she had an affair with a married man who happened to be an Assistant Manager I had a lot of respect for. Still, I was able to put it aside and we would hang out for another eight years before she got married.

 

So, yeah, sometimes you do have to set your feelings aside. Assuming your feelings for her are totally platonic, apologize and be there if and when the situation with Miguel takes a bad turn. She may need a shoulder to cry on and a truly good friend may be important to her.