I drunk texted a single man twice

[purplesoul]

I see nothing in your post that shows that you stopped. To your first texts he basically said: "Yeah I have thoughts, but I'm not going there", with your second set of texts he flat out rejected you.

 

Yup he rejected me. Maybe reject is a strong word but essentially he did not think it was right to engage me further as I am a married woman. I think if I was actively infront of him, I could have pushed him further. Please don't flame me for my words, I am just being honest.

 

I could be wrong, but I think if he reacted positively to your texting, and flirting, you would be in the middle of an affair right now.

 

I don't know. On some level, yes as I am so attracted to him. Or was at the moment(s). Severe attraction & I would have gone with it "spontaneously" and possibly ejected myself once it got too reality based or once it got too intense. That or the illusion would have died.

 

I will admit that you did not go back after the second rejection, but that can hardly be considered stopping. He stopped you.

 

Yes. Agreed.

 

Whether you have truly stopped this behavior, or are deciding that you stopped, as a coping mechanism to recover from his rejections, remains to be seen. If he texted you tomorrow and said lets get together for coffee, would you meet him?

 

This part made me think very hard. Had this been three days ago, I would have said YES to coffee under illusion it was just coffee (actively lying to myself). But today I feel differently. I saw a photo with a lady - the caption was " will you look at me this way everyday." Okay cheesy but it got to me. Meeting my husband made me so happy. Yes we have our problems ( a lot mainly involving alcohol) but we also have a great friendship and genuine joy in each other. I never doubted my love for him but once the problems with binge drinking kept going, I distanced myself (without realizing it) and started to talk ill of him ( I was always protective). I think I got so frustrated and dealing with a partner that occasionally abuses alcohol is so lonely & filled with judgement. I too drink more than I should on occasion but I don't change personality wise ( aside from grooming this particular man for an affair haha or getting upset at husband). I saw husband today and I realized I have to work at it and I cannot run away again as I do. I also saw I think temporarily. I miss the thrill but the thrills never got me anymore.

 

I will reflect more. I just have trouble seeing "forever" especially as I feel somewhat broken from a lot of drama I have had with husband. This man incomparsion and what he represented in my head was calm, didn't change when he drank, clearly a man of ethics and also I could not see him hurting me as my husband has (but as another poster said, how can I be so sure). My husband on other hand (and this is reality) is crazy supportive, works hard for us and despite his problems, he never makes me feel like second priority.

 

I will continue to post if anyone is interested. Just makes me feel better sharing thoughts as I think I am sincerely addicted to the thrill of someone I emotionally want to fill gaps within my life. This is not to say I have not engaged with an empty head in illcit affairs but each time (for the most part) I pursed it and left it( unless of course I "fell" in love) but this as the past. My husband was never part of that and I never ever could imagine ever doing that to him until now.

[S2B]

I want to agree with everything you are saying regarding being honest with my husband. I was honest for a long time but his dishonesty about various events in his life (when I was brutally honest about my past from the beginning) make me think he would twist and turn my words as to suit his narrative and appear as the victim. I feel betrayed even though it was years ago. I resent I entered with an open heart and saw him as a honourable man who would not lie out of omission but he did and all along I was feeling guilty for being the "bad" person regarding our past lives. Basically I don't want him to have leverage over me. I realize how childish this all sounds since we are in our mid 30s. He is an excellent provider, a great friend and a man I care so much about but I don't trust him and he is working on making me trust him so I fear by revealing this, it will give him a ....upper hand!

 

I know I have a drinking problem. I just hide it better. Mine correlates directly with being upset. And yes that is an excuse.

 

How can I be honest when I am so dishonest with myself? I want a solid character. I really really really do.

 

You start by quitting the alcohol.

 

Second is if you can't quit then get some serious help - detox maybe? Rehab?

 

It's possible your thoughts aren't clear if you drink each day -it takes sometime to clear thoughts and process them clearly after quitting.

 

You don't really know your husband! Sure, you know the man who drinks - but the real him? No, you have no idea who he is and he doesn't either. The real him has been long gone.

 

He wouldn't resemble who he is now if he were to get recovered/well.

 

You only know the drink him...and that's just not enough... and it certainly isn't love.

 

Can you quit? Have you considered AA for yourself? I noticed you avoided answering these questions... you talked around the questions asked.

[purplesoul]

I see nothing in your post that shows that you stopped. To your first texts he basically said: "Yeah I have thoughts, but I'm not going there", with your second set of texts he flat out rejected you.

 

Yup he rejected me. Maybe reject is a strong word but essentially he did not think it was right to engage me further as I am a married woman. I think if I was actively infront of him, I could have pushed him further. Please don't flame me for my words, I am just being honest.

 

I could be wrong, but I think if he reacted positively to your texting, and flirting, you would be in the middle of an affair right now.

 

I don't know. On some level, yes as I am so attracted to him. Or was at the moment(s). Severe attraction & I would have gone with it "spontaneously" and possibly ejected myself once it got too reality based or once it got too intense. That or the illusion would have died.

 

I will admit that you did not go back after the second rejection, but that can hardly be considered stopping. He stopped you.

 

Yes. Agreed.

 

Whether you have truly stopped this behavior, or are deciding that you stopped, as a coping mechanism to recover from his rejections, remains to be seen. If he texted you tomorrow and said lets get together for coffee, would you meet him?

 

This part made me think very hard. Had this been three days ago, I would have said YES to coffee under illusion it was just coffee (actively lying to myself). But today I feel differently. I saw a photo with a lady - the caption was " will you look at me this way everyday." Okay cheesy but it got to me. Meeting my husband made me so happy. Yes we have our problems ( a lot mainly involving alcohol) but we also have a great friendship and genuine joy in each other. I never doubted my love for him but once the problems with binge drinking kept going, I distanced myself (without realizing it) and started to talk ill of him ( I was always protective). I think I got so frustrated and dealing with a partner that occasionally abuses alcohol is so lonely & filled with judgement. I too drink more than I should on occasion but I don't change personality wise ( aside from grooming this particular man for an affair haha or getting upset at husband). I saw husband today and I realized I have to work at it and I cannot run away again as I do. I also saw I think temporarily. I miss the thrill but the thrills never got me anymore.

 

I will reflect more. I just have trouble seeing "forever" especially as I feel somewhat broken from a lot of drama I have had with husband. This man incomparsion and what he represented in my head was calm, didn't change when he drank, clearly a man of ethics and also I could not see him hurting me as my husband has (but as another poster said, how can I be so sure). My husband on other hand (and this is reality) is crazy supportive, works hard for us and despite his problems, he never makes me feel like second priority.

 

I will continue to post if anyone is interested. Just makes me feel better sharing thoughts as I think I am sincerely addicted to the thrill of someone I emotionally want to fill gaps within my life. This is not to say I have not engaged with an empty head in illcit affairs but each time (for the most part) I pursed it and left it( unless of course I "fell" in love) but this as the past. My husband was never part of that and I never ever could imagine ever doing that to him until now.

[purplesoul]

You start by quitting the alcohol.

 

Second is if you can't quit then get some serious help - detox maybe? Rehab?

 

It's possible your thoughts aren't clear if you drink each day -it takes sometime to clear thoughts and process them clearly after quitting.

 

You don't really know your husband! Sure, you know the man who drinks - but the real him? No, you have no idea who he is and he doesn't either. The real him has been long gone.

 

He wouldn't resemble who he is now if he were to get recovered/well.

 

You only know the drink him...and that's just not enough... and it certainly isn't love.

 

Can you quit? Have you considered AA for yourself? I noticed you avoided answering these questions... you talked around the questions asked.

 

Hi, I don't drink everyday and neither does he. I would say I drink responsibly or don't drink at all 80% of the time but that 20% is overindulgence. I have been to AA before but was told I was no an alcoholic. I went there with a desire to stop drinking as it was a huge problem in our relationship. He came with me as well.

 

It's not so much that I am avoiding the question but I also do not want the relationship misinterpreted. A lot of our life does not involve around binge drinking BUT we have emotionally fraught incidences that do. I would say objectively every 6 weeks - 8 weeks, he over-drinks, then (depending on what happened) so do I.

 

Ok. You are right. I am deflecting to a degree. If I had to describe my 'problem', I would say, alcohol gives me the license to escape ever so often but I do not think anyone would describe me as an alcoholic as I only ever do so when upset or 'in a mood' which is very rate. He is a high functioning drinker - normal most of the time and does moderate but when he goes on a bender, it's insanity.

 

I've 'quit' with him several times. But recently I have become resentful as I am able to enjoy a night out with friends and why should his problem become mine? I haven't lost friends or say anything crazy or change personalities...Apparently I groom men for an affair. God as I type this I realize, neither is better or worse.

 

In full FULL disclosure though and I have nothing to gain from saying this, I can control what I drink and I am aware of what I am doing, but in instances like with the man I was obviously grooming for an affair, I don't care. My husband on other hand (when he loses control) has no idea what he is saying or to whom. Total black out. His personality becomes entirely different to his normal. Even his eyes change. It is the strangest thing. But since it 'only' happens ever 6 weeks or 8 weeks (roughly) one can get fooled to think it is going away. Maybe after several years I just worry that this is our life. I don't know. I am so conflicted. Maybe I do not want to accept that with or without him, I have a problem as well.

 

ps I used to over-drink years ago and do stupid things so I thought I could handle this. However once I more or less left my previous relationship, I got it under control (maybe?)

Edited November 8, 2018 by purplesoul

[S2B]

No one at AA decides for you - ever!

 

You and only you knows exactly why alcohol is a problem in your life.

 

And your codependence with your husband could use some work. You seem to group him with you and you with him. You are separate people. You don't need to go to meetings together - you're likely to be more honest if he's NOT with you.

 

In Al Anon - you would do the same step work - do that.anyone/everyone would benefit from the steps - even without issues. It's a very good way to learn how to be your best self.

 

You would also find out why you easily move to all these excuses, avoiding and reflective tendencies. You must have used them a lot throughout the years because you do move to those splendidly.

 

It's good you catch yourself - those excuses don't help you learn and grow - they just keep you stuck in the excuses.

 

I used a guide at first that worked wonders to make things better. I had to do everything in contrary action. I did completely opposite of everything I'd ever done. It immediately got me with new results.

 

I had a voice/I spoke my truth. I learned how to handle what was unacceptable in my life - I learned how to change things!

 

I hope you can start changing things since you're so unhappy you're flirting with other men.

 

And I hope that if your husband isn't being a great husband that you decide you deserve better and end the marriage. It sucks being married to someone who drinks too much.

 

You should be able to fee safe and secure in a marriage - and if you're not, admit it - and take steps to change it!

 

Life is too damn short...be brave and courageous. Never live in fear.

 

Start being honest at least with yourself. Then you may get to the info you keep covering up.

[purplesoul]

No one at AA decides for you - ever!

 

You and only you knows exactly why alcohol is a problem in your life.

 

And your codependence with your husband could use some work. You seem to group him with you and you with him. You are separate people. You don't need to go to meetings together - you're likely to be more honest if he's NOT with you.

 

In Al Anon - you would do the same step work - do that.anyone/everyone would benefit from the steps - even without issues. It's a very good way to learn how to be your best self.

 

You would also find out why you easily move to all these excuses, avoiding and reflective tendencies. You must have used them a lot throughout the years because you do move to those splendidly.

 

It's good you catch yourself - those excuses don't help you learn and grow - they just keep you stuck in the excuses.

 

I used a guide at first that worked wonders to make things better. I had to do everything in contrary action. I did completely opposite of everything I'd ever done. It immediately got me with new results.

 

I had a voice/I spoke my truth. I learned how to handle what was unacceptable in my life - I learned how to change things!

 

I hope you can start changing things since you're so unhappy you're flirting with other men.

 

And I hope that if your husband isn't being a great husband that you decide you deserve better and end the marriage. It sucks being married to someone who drinks too much.

 

You should be able to fee safe and secure in a marriage - and if you're not, admit it - and take steps to change it!

 

Life is too damn short...be brave and courageous. Never live in fear.

 

Start being honest at least with yourself. Then you may get to the info you keep covering up.

 

Everything you are saying is correct. Being honest to myself is a confusing thing as I have spent much time seeing myself in correlation to others (I think? You can see my conflict)

 

I am afraid of what absolute truth re my life looks like. I am more or less working towards it but there are still things there I cannot confront. A bit hypocritical at times. Despite the "fantasy" production regarding this man (and clearly a crush which I cannot deny), I think this really bothers me because he called me out on my b*ll****. Even though he went with it, he still stopped and it shook me. I still cannot look at the messages. It is too hard and humiliating. Maybe because this is the first time someone called me out like this.

[S2B]

So look at those messages... see who you are when you're drunk. There are many different types of problem drinkers- even if not a daily drinker. If it causes problems - you may wish to quit all together.

 

Make a decision to not be that person anymore and take action to do that.

 

And think independently of your issues - try not to lump them together with your H issues. That muddles what you need to accomplish (being your best) and places the blame outside yourself.

 

You are responsible for yourself - not your H.

 

Do you

Edited November 8, 2018 by S2B