I drunk texted a single man twice

[purplesoul]

You start by quitting the alcohol.

 

Second is if you can't quit then get some serious help - detox maybe? Rehab?

 

It's possible your thoughts aren't clear if you drink each day -it takes sometime to clear thoughts and process them clearly after quitting.

 

You don't really know your husband! Sure, you know the man who drinks - but the real him? No, you have no idea who he is and he doesn't either. The real him has been long gone.

 

He wouldn't resemble who he is now if he were to get recovered/well.

 

You only know the drink him...and that's just not enough... and it certainly isn't love.

 

Can you quit? Have you considered AA for yourself? I noticed you avoided answering these questions... you talked around the questions asked.

 

Hi, I don't drink everyday and neither does he. I would say I drink responsibly or don't drink at all 80% of the time but that 20% is overindulgence. I have been to AA before but was told I was no an alcoholic. I went there with a desire to stop drinking as it was a huge problem in our relationship. He came with me as well.

 

It's not so much that I am avoiding the question but I also do not want the relationship misinterpreted. A lot of our life does not involve around binge drinking BUT we have emotionally fraught incidences that do. I would say objectively every 6 weeks - 8 weeks, he over-drinks, then (depending on what happened) so do I.

 

Ok. You are right. I am deflecting to a degree. If I had to describe my 'problem', I would say, alcohol gives me the license to escape ever so often but I do not think anyone would describe me as an alcoholic as I only ever do so when upset or 'in a mood' which is very rate. He is a high functioning drinker - normal most of the time and does moderate but when he goes on a bender, it's insanity.

 

I've 'quit' with him several times. But recently I have become resentful as I am able to enjoy a night out with friends and why should his problem become mine? I haven't lost friends or say anything crazy or change personalities...Apparently I groom men for an affair. God as I type this I realize, neither is better or worse.

 

In full FULL disclosure though and I have nothing to gain from saying this, I can control what I drink and I am aware of what I am doing, but in instances like with the man I was obviously grooming for an affair, I don't care. My husband on other hand (when he loses control) has no idea what he is saying or to whom. Total black out. His personality becomes entirely different to his normal. Even his eyes change. It is the strangest thing. But since it 'only' happens ever 6 weeks or 8 weeks (roughly) one can get fooled to think it is going away. Maybe after several years I just worry that this is our life. I don't know. I am so conflicted. Maybe I do not want to accept that with or without him, I have a problem as well.

 

ps I used to over-drink years ago and do stupid things so I thought I could handle this. However once I more or less left my previous relationship, I got it under control (maybe?)

Edited November 8, 2018 by purplesoul

[purplesoul]

No one at AA decides for you - ever!

 

You and only you knows exactly why alcohol is a problem in your life.

 

And your codependence with your husband could use some work. You seem to group him with you and you with him. You are separate people. You don't need to go to meetings together - you're likely to be more honest if he's NOT with you.

 

In Al Anon - you would do the same step work - do that.anyone/everyone would benefit from the steps - even without issues. It's a very good way to learn how to be your best self.

 

You would also find out why you easily move to all these excuses, avoiding and reflective tendencies. You must have used them a lot throughout the years because you do move to those splendidly.

 

It's good you catch yourself - those excuses don't help you learn and grow - they just keep you stuck in the excuses.

 

I used a guide at first that worked wonders to make things better. I had to do everything in contrary action. I did completely opposite of everything I'd ever done. It immediately got me with new results.

 

I had a voice/I spoke my truth. I learned how to handle what was unacceptable in my life - I learned how to change things!

 

I hope you can start changing things since you're so unhappy you're flirting with other men.

 

And I hope that if your husband isn't being a great husband that you decide you deserve better and end the marriage. It sucks being married to someone who drinks too much.

 

You should be able to fee safe and secure in a marriage - and if you're not, admit it - and take steps to change it!

 

Life is too damn short...be brave and courageous. Never live in fear.

 

Start being honest at least with yourself. Then you may get to the info you keep covering up.

 

Everything you are saying is correct. Being honest to myself is a confusing thing as I have spent much time seeing myself in correlation to others (I think? You can see my conflict)

 

I am afraid of what absolute truth re my life looks like. I am more or less working towards it but there are still things there I cannot confront. A bit hypocritical at times. Despite the "fantasy" production regarding this man (and clearly a crush which I cannot deny), I think this really bothers me because he called me out on my b*ll****. Even though he went with it, he still stopped and it shook me. I still cannot look at the messages. It is too hard and humiliating. Maybe because this is the first time someone called me out like this.