Fighting for my relationship

[wtfhappend]

Its been a week. Shes pulling out every little thing from the past to be upset with me for. Ive been trying hard like im drowning fighting to stay together. I dont know why she never fights for our relationship. All i know is that im always on this side of the fence. The chaser. The forgiver.the one whos saying sorry. We have a family together. N yea we argued but to discard me like i was the problem i dont think is fair. Im a good man. Good provider. Ive always been there through thick n thin. What do i have to do to stop this. To save my relationship. The last thing she said is please just let me have my weekend well talk monday. Im stressed out. Its like when ever she goes on this manic rage she hops in the driver seat n just doesnt know what shes doing. Ugh i just dont want to lose my family

[Garcon1986]

Alright so stand back and look in the mirror here:

(welcome to LS by the way)

 

Can you share a few examples of what she is upset about?

 

When you said a week, it's a week of what?

 

Can you think of any reasons she could be cheating, and is generating conflict so she can go chase some other man?

 

When she argues about something, do you just apologize, or do you stand your ground? I sense a small bit of emotional doormat stuff, where she gets to rage, and you just apologize and let her step on you emotionally. Has your relationship always been like this? When a woman has a tantrum with me, I now have the policy to say I don't mind arguing, but we will not argue unless we can have a civilized discussion. I insist on fighting fair. Do you insist on fighting fair?

 

Many men say that they feel unfairly criticized - they take care of the kids, they provide for the family, but the wife still whines. Typically, the wife feels emotionally neglected in some way. Frequent demonstrations of love and large demonstrations of love (vacations to the Bahamas for example) score the same points in her book. Has she felt like this at some point? Women have a different interpretation of feeling emotionally fulfilled than men do.

 

This might be a rough one. Stay with us, maybe we can work something out.

[wtfhappend]

Yes weve been fighting lots. Most fights were fueled by her. She would come home n just be cold n distant. When id ask her whats wrong. It would set her off. She often called me lazy for resting. But after a long day of work n driving around picking up kids. I was exhausted. She was always yelling at everyone in our house n trying to comminicate lead to her walking away or saying she done talking about it. Its like she is getting angry at me because i wasnt good enough. Cheating? Shes cheated on me in the past. Left me for another man years ago. I forgave her. Its like i was her door mat. Then things gotbetter over time n then her manic rage kept happening where everything would set her off. I remember she came home n said something n i said what sorry did you say this n she exploded. N then when i questioned why she was like that it nade her more mad. I love her i dont want to lose my family. I just want to know whats up with her

[Garcon1986]

So you have how many kids with this lady now?

 

Do you both work? Is she a primarily stay at home mom?

 

You've set a precedent of allowing bad behavior with her now. This is a very deep hole that you both are responsible for. If you try to stand up for yourself now, she is going to accuse you of changing, or she will yell, or do something similar.

 

You are either dealing with a mood disorder or a cheating lady. She's most likely doing both.

 

Is she willing to see a relationship counselor with you? This is the only way out of this, if you've tried to reason with her. If she is totally unwilling, it's the end of the line for your relationship mate.

[wtfhappend]

She has always had a mood disorder. Almost like bipolar. She was taking medication in the past month. Not sure what it was. But her n her best friend started talking n hanging out everyday. N her. Best friend split up with her man because he cheated. N she was there for her. N its like her friend projects her emotions on to her n now she sees me as no good. I dono if shes willing. She sure wasnt this past week. Just snappy angry yelling. Almost like power tripping because she sees how much i care. She says will talk monday. Her ffamily loves me. But im not the only one shes cut out shes cutting out everyone her mom n dad n brothers n sisters. But not her best friend. She even said " my best friend is my family" were a blended family. Shes been keeping the baby with me n only staying with her oldest at the house. I feel like she just doesnt want the responsibility anymore. I dono though im thinking hundreds of thoughts. She wont reply to hardly any texts . she said she wants just her space. And said will talk monday so yea i dono if begging or pleading will work

[wtfhappend]

N we have 3 ones hers ones mine n ones ours

[Garcon1986]

Is she getting treatment for her mood disorder? Is she intentionally slacking off on keeping it under control? You've got to put your foot down here, that you will not accept being treated this way.

[d0nnivain]

Your bio child will always be yours. The child you share with her will always be yours. She may leave & take her bio child. All you can do is hug that child good bye & assure that child that it's not the child's fault then ask as part of the custody with your shared child that the step sibling be included in the time together.

 

Offer up relationship counseling. Is there any chance that your SO is angry because you haven't formalized the relationship especially since you have a kid together? You need to talk to her to get to the root of her problem & what she sees as the solution before you throw in the towel.

[wtfhappend]

I just went for a drive with her. She seems like she is just unsure of what she wants. She agreed to going to councelling but she says shes not going to sugar coat it. I dont know what that means. Its like she wants the councellor to tell me its not going to work. Obviously im just thinking that

 

I told her her everything that i wanted. Marraige. A family. To be on the same page. and i asked her to think about it. She kept distant . said she doesnt know what to say. I cried n told her how much i love her n told her that im doing everything in my power to save us. Im trying so hard. She just seemed like unsure if she even wants councelling. But she still wants to go. Im scared deep down what will happen. I contacted the councellor asap n were going to try for the end of the week. In the mean time ill be at my moms. Please god just let this work!

 

She said she didnt feel the love. But she said maybe if things changed n stayed changed.

 

We hugged n i cried. She was eager to leave but i could see in her eyes she was thinking something. Maybe fear that our arguements will continue. Or fear that things wont change. Ugh im just missing my life

[wtfhappend]

What does this mean??

[Garcon1986]

You've got your own two legs - in the meantime, breathe, eat, go on with normal life things. She's got serious problems of her own that she needs to own up to, and I need you to stand up straight and not give up on yourself for your child's sake. At some point next week, ask her, when her mood is relatively normal, what she considers to be the list of things wrong in your relationship. See if it's semi rational, and things that might be real and worth working on. Keep up your health right now, it's crucial above everything else.

[PRW]

You are too Beta.

 

I see that sprinkled throughout your messages.

Women will lose respect for the Beta over time and almost always cheat on them before dumping them. They often go into rages out of frustration with them and then totally explode when the Beta "doesn't understand why she is mad".

 

Shes pulling out every little thing from the past to be upset with me for

There are two things here to take note of:

1. There is a list of things that has been frustrating her, and she keeps bringing them up because the root cause of them isn't resolved.

 

2. When women bring up the past like that when in a rage it is because they are trying to explain to you that how they felt back then is how you are making them feel right now. It isn't the event itself they are communicating, they are trying to communicate and describe an emotion, the way you make them feel.

 

When you then ask "what's wrong" in response to that it just shows that you don't get their point and then they totally flip out.

 

I can't help you with the Beta issue, only you can do that. All I can do is recommend a book and author. The book you need to get is Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man". He also has a YouTube channel. The book is short and cheap,...about 250 pages and only $20. You need to get started on it. If you don't kill off the Beta, your relationship with her is doomed.

[Garcon1986]

I'm actually curious to know PRW, if you were dating, and you caught the scent of female dissatisfaction early on, what would you tell her, if it was the first time she told you some version of that argument? As an alpha male you would put your foot down and show the firm masculine side. I'd like to see an actual example from your life.

 

I'm not making fun of you, I am actually curious about you. No homo.

[PRW]

I'm actually curious to know PRW, if you were dating, and you caught the scent of female dissatisfaction early on, what would you tell her, if it was the first time she told you some version of that argument? As an alpha male you would put your foot down and show the firm masculine side. I'd like to see an actual example from your life.

 

I'm not making fun of you, I am actually curious about you. No homo.

 

It's been a long hard road. I used to be the helpless Beta "Nice Guy". That is why I spot it so easily,...I used to be there.

 

I'm actually an Omega, not an Alpha. They are very similar except the Alpha is based on an Extrovert personality and the Omega is based on an Introvert personality. I am very much an Introvert.

 

Anyway, your question....A guy that understands what he is doing doesn't argue with a woman. He tries to get her to talk more about it to figure out what the root cause is behind it that is really bothering her. It can be very difficult for the guy to understand if it is an emotionally based thing because we just aren't wired that way (we just want to "fix" everything), but he has to try the best he can to understand. If the problem is something that the guy can take care of quietly on his own, then "just do it". There is no need to bring it back up to her to "brag" about fixing it, that would only remind her of the negative feelings anyway. The problem is solved, ...move on.

 

However sometimes just getting her to talk more about it and letting her get it off her chest, without getting butt-hurt, or getting either defensive...or apologetic, he just stays centered,...it may help her feel that you "listened" to her. If she feels listened to, she feels appreciated, the anger subsides, the feelings turn from bad to good and you both can just move forward.

 

(Everything works great in theory anyway)

 

A "real" Alpha is a leader, not a dic, and that is how a leader should handle himself. Omegas are similar and share characteristics with Alphas.

[elaine567]

But she said maybe if things changed n stayed changed

 

What does she want to change?

[Marc878]

Yes weve been fighting lots. Most fights were fueled by her. She would come home n just be cold n distant. When id ask her whats wrong. It would set her off. She often called me lazy for resting. But after a long day of work n driving around picking up kids. I was exhausted. She was always yelling at everyone in our house n trying to comminicate lead to her walking away or saying she done talking about it. Its like she is getting angry at me because i wasnt good enough. Cheating? Shes cheated on me in the past. Left me for another man years ago. I forgave her. Its like i was her door mat. Then things gotbetter over time n then her manic rage kept happening where everything would set her off. I remember she came home n said something n i said what sorry did you say this n she exploded. N then when i questioned why she was like that it nade her more mad. I love her i dont want to lose my family. I just want to know whats up with her

 

Go online and check your phone bill.

[Marc878]

You want the realtionship a lot more than she does. Which doesn't help you. Crying in front of her just lowers your status and makes you look unnattractive.

 

You can't make her do a thing.

 

You chase they move farther away.

 

Go your own way and stop trying to nice her. That will just work against you.

 

If you think a marriage counselor is going to jump in and save the day I expect you're going to be dissapointed.

 

Right now your doormatish actions are causing you more harm than good.

 

Wake up, do check your phone bill. If they've cheated once the capability is there.

[elaine567]

There are two things here to take note of:

1. There is a list of things that has been frustrating her, and she keeps bringing them up because the root cause of them isn't resolved.

 

2. When women bring up the past like that when in a rage it is because they are trying to explain to you that how they felt back then is how you are making them feel right now. It isn't the event itself they are communicating, they are trying to communicate and describe an emotion, the way you make them feel.

 

When you then ask "what's wrong" in response to that it just shows that you don't get their point and then they totally flip out.

 

 

^^^^ this^^^^

 

 

100%.

Trouble is women when faced with angry or dominant men tend to "give in" in fights, the man thinks it is resolved and all sorted out, everyone is in agreement.

However, the woman may be quiet, but she is often still seething inside. She tries to calm the waters for the good of the relationship, the family, the kids... but she doesn't forget.

That under the surface anger turns into resentment, contempt and ultimately hate as the days, months, years roll by. The man is oblivious to all that brooding, "That happened years ago, surely it is all long dead and gone..." He minimises and ignores her when she brings it back up and so she gets even angrier, until one day with similar unresolved issues mounting up, she decides to leave...

[PRW]

100%.

Trouble is women when faced with angry or dominant men tend to "give in" in fights, the man thinks it is resolved and all sorted out, everyone is in agreement.

However, the woman may be quiet, but she is often still seething inside. She tries to calm the waters for the good of the relationship, the family, the kids... but she doesn't forget.

That under the surface anger turns into resentment, contempt and ultimately hate as the days, months, years roll by. The man is oblivious to all that brooding, "That happened years ago, surely it is all long dead and gone..." He minimises and ignores her when she brings it back up and so she gets even angrier, until one day with similar unresolved issues mounting up, she decides to leave...

 

That is why when a woman breaks up with a guy (or divorces) the guy can't understand why she can be so detached or cold about it. It is because she waited till there just wasn't any good feelings left,...the "tank was dry" by then,...so she pretty much feels nothing by that point.

[wtfhappend]

Well to be honest she has never been good at expressing herself. Its only when we get to this point that she doesnt beat around the bush. Literly my life is so fuhced up right now because of this. Its our anaversary in 7 days. I feel like killing myself. Its funny the first time she brokeup with me for another guy she turned angry. Was when my grandpa died and it was two weaks befor out anaversary. Now my grandmas dying n it was 2 weeks before our anaversary. Yeap im tired of living..

[PRW]

Well to be honest she has never been good at expressing herself. Its only when we get to this point that she doesnt beat around the bush. Literly my life is so fuhced up right now because of this. Its our anaversary in 7 days. I feel like killing myself. Its funny the first time she brokeup with me for another guy she turned angry. Was when my grandpa died and it was two weaks befor out anaversary. Now my grandmas dying n it was 2 weeks before our anaversary. Yeap im tired of living..

 

Get the book I mentioned earlier.

 

Corey Wayne ... "How to be a 3% Man"

[Downtown]

She has always had a mood disorder. Almost like bipolar.

WTF, when emotional instability lasts for only a year or two, the two most common causes are a strong hormone change and drug abuse. However, you are not talking about a temporary instability but, rather, a persistent lifetime instability.

 

The two common causes of lifetime instability are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder. Significantly, you do not seem to be describing a pattern of bipolar symptoms (if you're interested, see my explanation at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences).

 

I therefore suggest you consider whether BPD traits may apply. Many behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your partner has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your partner exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, icy withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your partner's issues. Although it is easy to spot BPD symptoms, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a relationship that is toxic to both of you -- or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

Finally, because you have children, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and the kids are dealing with. By seeking an opinion from a psychologist who has not treated or seen your partner, you are ensured that he/she is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers.