Year in marriage

[Freonie33]

Hello!

I`ve been married for year now and something is really wrong.

After we got married, something changed in our relationship and especially in our sex life.

I mean when i see good looking guy or have dreams about them, i know i want sex and it`s not like i don`t want it at all.

But when my husband touches me or wants sex, i`m pushing him away. I can`t imagine me having sex with him anymore.

I want it, i dream about it and imagine all the kissing and touching but when it comes to my husband - it`s like i`m the coldest woman on earth.

And obviously he`s getting stressed about it too, since it`s already been three month without sex or kissing.

Sure i`ve tried: show no emotion, just bite in your tongue and do it, but it`s humiliating and since i don`t get excited - it`s painful.

So i`m worried: what to do? how to fix it? will i ever want my husband again?

What`s wrong with me?

I mean, i`m not getting any younger and spending my life in this reality, is really challenging.

Because i want love, kisses, touches, and i`m with someone i can`t imagine doing it with.

If a good looking guy from work would sweep me off the feat, i think i might even cheat, but that`s not what i want.

In the beginning we were like bunnies, but now.. I don`t know, so i`m asking for advice.

[Garcon1986]

So welcome to LS!

 

May I ask which country you are from?

 

Not wanting sex with your husband is commonly a symptom of something bigger, it's not only the sex.

 

 

Can you think of anything on an interpersonal relationship level that has changed? It would be something gradual. Did you start not talking as much at some point? Did you start arguing more? Did you start fighting more?

[Mr. Lucky]

Way too vague. You don't go from this:

 

In the beginning we were like bunnies

 

To this:

 

But when my husband touches me or wants sex, i`m pushing him away. I can`t imagine me having sex with him anymore.

 

...for no reason.

 

What's the rest of the story?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Freonie33]

Thank You for Your reply!

 

 

The thing is - i don`t want another husband.

I like the way he treats me - he`s honest, he tries to surprise me, he defends me, he treats me well.

And that`s why i feel horrible because there is nothing wrong with him.

He treats me well.

But when it comes to a passion - i can`t imagine it.

It feels wrong.

I would feel awful if i would choose someone else just to sleep with him but he would turn out to be a jerk.

And i know my husband would feel betrayed because he treats me well but i would do such thing.

We hold our hands, we hug, we make dinner together, we sleep in same bed..

 

But there is no passion.

I feel like dirt because i want to grow old with my husband...

But at the same time i`d rather sleep with someone else and spend weekends alone.

I just don`t know what do anymore...

[Marc878]

Something's amiss. Only a year in???

 

Sex in a marriage especially for men is like needing air to breathe.

 

You don't find an answer your marriage won't last long.

[Garcon1986]

You've got to fill in the details here quickly mate, or your man will feel rejected from you on multiple levels. When did you first feel the level of attractiveness decline? What did your man do which you disliked? It's very unusual to go from desiring your man to physically rejecting him. There has to be an in between.

 

There are organic disorders which can be fixed, that result in lack of sexual desire, but we have to know more details before we can point at that.

 

What language do you speak? If there are any other speakers of your language here they may be able to help if that's partly the issue.

[Freonie33]

I`ll tell You a little bit more because i see that i might get some answers.

So first of all - i apologize for my English. My husband is working in USA, and we`ll be leaving in two months. My native language is Lithuanian.

Currently i`m 27 years olds.

From 18-24 i was in bad relationship.

When i met the guy we had a loving and caring relationship. Then he cut off my friends, my family. He said i shouldn`t work because it embarrasses him. And i believed him.

After 4 years n relationship - he broke my nose, he punched out my tooth.. And i was afraid to go out of the house because i was ugly..

 

After a while it didn`t feel like relationship because it was all about him. And since i didn`t see that we were in a relationship, i didn`t want any sexual act with him. So..one day..i locked myself in a bathroom. And he kicked the door out and raped me. And it continued once in a week for a 1,5 years.

Why i didn`t ran? No money, no friends, my family didn`t care and he bought me a cat. He said if i would go, he would kill the cat and i couldn`t afford to feed him.

After a while he started to have some money trouble and i was able to get a job but money would go to his bank account.

But... i met a guy at work (it wasn`t my husband) and he helped me. He was gay. But a my birthday when i cried after he gave me a present he had question and i told him that no one remembered about my birthday.. I didn`t get a present for 5 years. And he found me job a job where they paid me in cash. In 4 month i collected enough to ran.. And i did. I ran away. I remember how i cried when i understood i could go out out of the house when i want. I remember the smell of fresh air.

And after a while i met my husband.

I trusted him, we fell in love.

I felt desire for the first time in a long time.

 

I wanted his touch, his kiss, i dressed up for him. He treated me well. He`s beautiful.

But then we started to have fights. Normal fights - money, food etc.

Then we got married. I was the happiest woman! He looked beautiful, he was crying..

Now i fell like dirt.

I won`t cheat, trust me. But.. all those dreams, all those desires... I want sex, i want feelings, i want kisses, but i can`t imagine them if it`s him...

We can`t afford therapy..

But.. I want those feelings we had in the begginging.

What changed? Money issues, fights...

 

We tried weekend getaways, sexy underwear, everything.. But i`d rather dream about someone else than him.

He listens to me, he tries to understand, he knows all that... but...

If i divorce him - it might happen again.

And he doesn`t want a divorce - he tells me he wants to try everything to work this out.

But i don`t know what it is....

He`s a friend but not a lover... I don`t know...

But it seems my years are going away again and it`s all wrong...

[lucy_in_disguise]

What are your fights like? How does he act during them and do the issues resolve themselves?

 

It’s odd to me that you go from doing it like bunnies to losing all sexual attraction. Have you changed any things about your health recently, like changing your birth control? Or do you think your traumatic sexual past may be at play here?

 

Given everything you’ve been through and where you are in your marriage right now, I’d say you can’t afford NOT to get counseling. The issues aren’t going to go away on their own, and you have a lot from your past to work through too. Look at it this way- divorce is more expensive than counseling. If you don’t have insurance, have you searched for low cost or religiously-affiliates options?

[Ronni_W]

Freonie33,

 

I'm sorry for your experiences in that prior abusive relationship; you most certainly deserved better.

 

Have you had individual counseling to properly overcome and heal from that?

If you do not, then what you are experiencing now is likely to escalate (within your own psyche and sense of self), because it quite possibly is arising from post-trauma due to the abuse.

 

Hugs, and wishing you the best.

[Garcon1986]

Norėčiau išreikšti nuoširdžią užuojautą Freeonie33. You are feeling the way you do most likely because of the most intense abuse you felt. That stuff is still with you, at an unconscious level. I would at least speak to any friends or family you know, who have gone through these experiences. It is of the highest importance to try and heal better than you have done (and by the way, well done on thinking about it and starting the process).

 

 

At a subconscious level you've experienced the terrible things that have happened. You are rightfully emotionally scarred. And you are afraid, that your current husband might treat you the same way because of how horrible your past life was. Healing is what you need here. If your current husband doesn't know about your past, consider chatting about it with him for starters? It doesn't have to be in a critical way, just tell him you need a kind ear and someone to hug (or something similar). Men need sex like everybody needs food and air. So if you have a very good reason to be hesitant (and you do have a very valid reason), a good husband will appreciate your honesty along with the effort in making it better. Maybe for starters, you need to try something milder than full on sex to get more comfortable.