DKT3 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Elaine567...you bring up some good points here. I do feel like I have an "ace in the hole" and maybe mistakenly so. I am 59+ years old. I really don't want to divorce...I would like to finish my life with my husband as my life partner. The idea of spending the next x amount of years in CC and/or hell is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life either. So much to think about...thank you for your perspective! You've put yourself in a tough position either way. Either you tell run the risk of losing your husband and current life or dont tell and live with guilt and fear of him finding out through other ways and still losing your husband and way of life. Not telling shouldn't be an option if you continue the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 This whole situation is very distasteful to me... Your reaction to learning that your husband is bisexual and having an affair was not to talk with him, but to cheat on him in return. You have kept this secret and now plan to hold the information you have on him over his head in the event that he decides to leave and you lose your current standard of living... This is not love. It's not marriage. You have a business arrangement with your husband and you are not to be trusted and very manipulative. Just be honest with him and let the chips fall where they may... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 This whole situation is very distasteful to me... Your reaction to learning that your husband is bisexual and having an affair was not to talk with him, but to cheat on him in return. You have kept this secret and now plan to hold the information you have on him over his head in the event that he decides to leave and you lose your current standard of living... This is not love. It's not marriage. You have a business arrangement with your husband and you are not to be trusted and very manipulative. Just be honest with him and let the chips fall where they may... Long marriage often evolve into something other than a love affair. She hasn't said once that she loves her husband, rather that he is her friend who she wants to continue her life with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 You've put yourself in a tough position either way. Either you tell run the risk of losing your husband and current life or dont tell and live with guilt and fear of him finding out through other ways and still losing your husband and way of life. Not telling shouldn't be an option if you continue the affair. Either way, I'm going to end the affair. I'm just deciding what would bring the least amount of pain to my husband and our marriage. Tell him and confront him about his maybe bisexuality or not tell him and take a chance that it all comes out anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Either way, I'm going to end the affair. I'm just deciding what would bring the least amount of pain to my husband and our marriage. Tell him and confront him about his maybe bisexuality or not tell him and take a chance that it all comes out anyway? Is it actually likely to all come out anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 This whole situation is very distasteful to me... Your reaction to learning that your husband is bisexual and having an affair was not to talk with him, but to cheat on him in return. You have kept this secret and now plan to hold the information you have on him over his head in the event that he decides to leave and you lose your current standard of living... This is not love. It's not marriage. You have a business arrangement with your husband and you are not to be trusted and very manipulative. Just be honest with him and let the chips fall where they may... BaileyB...than you for your response. My husband and I never had an epic love affair. We have companionate love between us, which I believe is what long term marriages thrive on. We are excellent parents and have raised two wonderful children together. I encourage him and support him which is why he is as successful as he is...he would tell you that himself. We make a great team. The affair that I am having I fell into, albeit by choice, after I found out about him. I will admit that it was not the best way to handle it which is why I am thinking about ending my affair now. It was a reaction to what I learned. The reason I am having a hard time confronting my husband with what I found is that I believe he will be embarrassed and ashamed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 Is it actually likely to all come out anyway? Especially if we go to CC. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 I got the name of a CC for my husband and I from him. Going to CC while you are still in the affair is a waste of time and money. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 BaileyB...than you for your response. My husband and I never had an epic love affair. We have companionate love between us, which I believe is what long term marriages thrive on. We are excellent parents and have raised two wonderful children together. I encourage him and support him which is why he is as successful as he is...he would tell you that himself. We make a great team. The affair that I am having I fell into, albeit by choice, after I found out about him. I will admit that it was not the best way to handle it which is why I am thinking about ending my affair now. It was a reaction to what I learned. The reason I am having a hard time confronting my husband with what I found is that I believe he will be embarrassed and ashamed. I hear you. Really, I do. I would not say that I have an epic love story with my partner either. I love hm dearly, and our relationship is built on a solid friendship and companionship. I just can't imagine ever doing something(s) so hurtful to my partner (like a revenge affair, or holding using the knowledge that you have as you "ace in the hole" should things not go your way when the truth comes out). I'm not passing judgment as much as telling you to really think about this... because, people who love each other don't do this to each other. And, what kind of person would you be if you do... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 If the A 'comes out', IMO better in front of a neutral professional who can manage the unpacking. Ending the A and not disclosing is a calculated risk. Plenty of people do that. Marriages continue. In MC, the marriage is the client and the psychologist or counselor is tasked to work it, protect it and proceed in the best interest of the marriage. If you go to MC to work on the M, yeah, even if you don't want to, stuff will slip. It always does. Psychologists are expert at getting in there. I know one MW personally who I believe will not disclose, though she did disclose her first A, and my bet is she's good enough to manage the marriage in a state similar to yours from your description. Shorter, only 30 or so, but lots of similar history, solid lifestyle, popular in their social circle, model couple with adult children. I could be wrong but rarely am with this stuff. If you're good at compartmentalizing, you can pack the A away and leave it there, presuming nothing occurs to discover it. A MC will play shoe on the other foot hypotheticals. Watch out for those. Tricky. Don't slip up, presuming you wish to remain mum on the A. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Especially if we go to CC.If you say nothing at all about either indiscretion, why would you end up in CC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 If the A 'comes out', IMO better in front of a neutral professional who can manage the unpacking. Ending the A and not disclosing is a calculated risk. Plenty of people do that. Marriages continue. In MC, the marriage is the client and the psychologist or counselor is tasked to work it, protect it and proceed in the best interest of the marriage. If you go to MC to work on the M, yeah, even if you don't want to, stuff will slip. It always does. Psychologists are expert at getting in there. I know one MW personally who I believe will not disclose, though she did disclose her first A, and my bet is she's good enough to manage the marriage in a state similar to yours from your description. Shorter, only 30 or so, but lots of similar history, solid lifestyle, popular in their social circle, model couple with adult children. I could be wrong but rarely am with this stuff. If you're good at compartmentalizing, you can pack the A away and leave it there, presuming nothing occurs to discover it. A MC will play shoe on the other foot hypotheticals. Watch out for those. Tricky. Don't slip up, presuming you wish to remain mum on the A. Good luck! Thanks for the perspective. You sound like you may be a MC. I am very good at compartmentalizing, even though I am a woman. Needed to pack a lot of things away over the years. I'm thinking that if I don't disclose, and it does come out, I will tell it exactly how it happened...just like I did here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 If you say nothing at all about either indiscretion, why would you end up in CC? That would be if I was going to disclose as my IC has discussed with me. He very much wants me too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FITT5559 Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 I hear you. Really, I do. I would not say that I have an epic love story with my partner either. I love hm dearly, and our relationship is built on a solid friendship and companionship. I just can't imagine ever doing something(s) so hurtful to my partner (like a revenge affair, or holding using the knowledge that you have as you "ace in the hole" should things not go your way when the truth comes out). I'm not passing judgment as much as telling you to really think about this... because, people who love each other don't do this to each other. And, what kind of person would you be if you do... And I do appreciate your take on it. If you had asked me two years ago if I would ever be in this situation, I would have laughed. Never did I ever think that I would ever have an affair. I live a married life for 35+ years without any infidelity on my part. I believe that finding that email really threw me and I just reacted. Doesn't make it right just an explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
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