unhappy in the Netherlands

[hollland]

This is the first time I have asked for advice on the internet, but I really need some objective advice for a difficult and complicated situation. I married my Dutch husband 12 years ago and we decided to stay in the Netherlands because of his business. I immediately learned the language and the customs and in my opinion have adapted very well even though it is very difficult living in a foreign country. The Dutch are very opinionated and there have been incidences in which my husband has come home to find me crying because of yet another insult about my nationality( I am American) or my accent, or the way I dress. I help gifted children at my children's elementary school with English and this has given me immense satisfaction and a feeling of purpose in the Dutch community. A few years ago when my daughter was born, I found out that my husband was being unfaithful. To the outside world, including my family, my husband adores me and I think most of our friends would be shocked to find out the truth about my husbands actions. I have not told anyone because I am afraid that it would tarnish mutual friendships and family relations. However, as of late, the situation has become unbearable. My husband humiliates me in public and in front of the children. I broke my ankle two years ago and will be having surgery again in November because of a malunion. In spite of the pain, I have cared for my three children and two dogs, chickens, sheep and two donkeys, without outside help.. Instead of pointing out my strengths to others , I found out that my husband had been keeping a calender and marking off the days when I made( in his opinion) a decent meal ( I am a gourmet cook). I feel like I am married to a someone from another century! I know that I am attractive , I had modelling jobs in the U.S., I was a debutante, and I am well-educated, but I am scared to death to leave my husband and return to the U.S., because of I am afraid of the consequences for my children. I am really desperate and very, very unhappy. Can anyone offer advice for me?

 

Thank you

[Tiggerlove]

I would suggest you some how contact the U.S. Embassy in the Netherlands and explain your situation. See what they suggest you could or should do. Ask how you could get a divorce and custody of your children back in the U.S.

 

Good luck.

[megabit15]

You could tell your husband that you are taking an extended holiday with the children to see your family/friends or whatever. Then GO for a month. Put some space to get your head a bit clearer and see how you feel then.

 

You mention you were a debutante....where is your family? Are they able to offer any assistance with relocation or extended visiting?

 

Best Wishes,

M.

[d'Arthez]

It is an extremely tough situation in which you find yourself . It happens more in Europe, that Americans are held responsible for the actions of their president. It is not fair, but a fact of life.

 

Of course, you will have to look at things in a rational way. Do you want to fight for the marriage, or do you feel that it has run its course. What would the legal consequences and possibilities be of either course?

 

I think recourse to the U.S. Embassy is vital in a matter like this; with children involved migrating after a divorce becomes a very tricky matter, which can be drawn over quite a bit of time, no doubt. Especially if he does not appreciate the marriage in the same way, as you do. The same is true of extended holidays with the children. You will need the permission of your husband - which he probably will decline, as he must be somewhat aware of your unhappiness.

 

Good luck.

[RecordProducer]

It sounds like you're looking for support to leave your husband. It's hard for me to imagine an attractive, educated woman who moved from the US to Holland to take care of sheep, donkies, and chickens, and cook gourmet meals for her unfaithful husband. You (and your children) deserve a better life.

 

Perhaps you could visit the States and try and find a job, not necessarily in your city of origin if your opportunities are not so great there. I assume you still are a US citizen so your children are automatically Americans too. The US embassy should be able to tell you information on the phone about any legal aspects or you can do a reasearch on the net.

[ReluctantRomeo]

The Dutch are very opinionated

 

No kidding. And boy do they love to express it.

 

 

I found out that my husband had been keeping a calender and marking off the days when I made( in his opinion) a decent meal ( I am a gourmet cook).

 

That sucks. Not the first time I've heard of someone doing this... and by a bizarre coincidence, they were also Dutch

 

But one of the great advantages of the Netherlands is the legal system. In fact, I'd be tempted to consult a lawyer rather than the US consulate. They could at least tell you your rights in this situation.

[morrigan]

I agree about visiting both your U.S. Embassy and a local divorce lawyer as soon as possible. You need to know what potential custodial/visitation laws could apply in case your husband decides to file for divorce before you do. Please don't be caught off guard.

 

Do you have a close family member that you could trust to discuss this with? I know you're afraid of what how they'll view your husband, but this is when you need support the most, even if you make the decision to stay with him.

[d'Arthez]

I assume you still are a US citizen so your children are automatically Americans too.

Perhaps. But if the children have been born in the Netherlands, they may hold Dutch citizenship too; quite a few European countries allow for dual nationalities. If the Netherlands don't, the chances are higher that the children hold Dutch nationality.

In short, just because the children may have a right to US-citizenship, in no way that implies that the mother or whomever has the legal right to leave the country with the children. I foresee a lot of legal issues pertaining to parental rights - things are never simple in matters like this.

 

There is in some European countries a problem with parents abducting the children to the country of their origin. And of course doing such a thing, or appearing to have done such a thing, is never away to positively impress the judge who ultimately has to decide on this.

 

Again, the best thing you can do is to see an expert - and be discreet about it towards your husband.

[Craig]

Here are some links that may help you. Also, there are provisions for non-citizen victims of domestic violence to remain in the U.S. and become permanent residents under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). Some part of the VAWA may apply to your children. I'm not an expert and I can pretty much guarantee that nearly everyone except an advocate from a domestic violence center in the U.S. that specializes in VAWA matters will not be an expert in what you can do regarding your children under the provisions of VAWA.

 

If you can't find a VAWA expert at a U.S. domestic violence center, post in this thread again and I'll see about finding you someone to talk to that is an advocate and an expert.

 

Never give up.

 

The Greatest Escape: Special for Victims of Domestic Violence

http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html

 

U.S. Dept. of State: Country Reports on Human Rights Practices, The Netherlands (search for "domestic violence" in the article)

http://www.state.gov/g/drl/rls/hrrpt/2004/41699.htm

 

Women As Victims Of Sexual And Domestic Violence In Seventeenth-Century Holland: Criminal Cases Of Rape, Incest, And Maltreatment In Rotterdam And Delft http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2005/is_3_33/ai_61372237

 

Netherland Justice Dept. on Domestic Violence

http://www.justitie.nl/english/Publications/factsheets/dealing_with_domestic_violence.asp

http://www.justitie.nl/english/press/press_releases/archive/archive_2004/301204domesticviolence.asp

[Craig]

Here is a site you can go to to get contact information, explain where you are and that you need to talk to an Advocate and/or a VAWA expert. If Patty (advocate) is there try and talk to her, Olga (VAWA expert) may be able to help you with figuring out what you can do. Call the office line first as that is likely the fastest way to get your questions answered.

 

Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence

http://www.nextdoor.org/Contact.aspx

 

I guess I don't have to say this but I will, don't use your home phone. Use a calling card or another phone that your husband doesn't have access to.

 

Best of luck.