i couldn't save him

[mindtile]

its only been a month since i broke up with my boyfriend (gay) and he is going downhill. when we were together i did everything i could to nurture him and make him feel cared for because he hasn't been cared for in his life and uses drugs, sex and social validation to distract from the pain. but while we were together he had someone to talk to. i had to end it though as the relationship was just hurting me. but watching him do destructive behavior from afar has been difficult because im really sad for the person he is inside, even if he comes across as a jerk who doesn't give a damn about anything.

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry but you are right. Sometimes you can't save somebody from themselves especially if they don't want to be saved.

 

Be there if he ever reaches out but live your life. You did the right thing by not letting him take you down with him.

[preraph]

Your story reminds me a little of a good friend of mine.

My friend is bi and he considered , call him Roger, his best friend but he was in love with him and the guy wasn't gay, though I'm guessing lines were crossed none the less because the guy was such a trainwreck and wasted all the time. My friend drank heavily but this guy he was in love with did everything. He was irresponsible and just kind of hopeless and never could get his crap together at all. My friend had told me that Roger had relied heavily on his grandmother and then his grandmother died. And now he was just twisting in the Wind.

 

My friend had called me one day and he was really depressed which was not normal for him. and it was because he had gotten so involved in Roger's problems that he was sinking along with Roger. And he was also depressed because Roger wasn't gay and didn't love him that way. But it was him getting so involved in trying to fix Rogers life when Rodger wasn't doing anything to fix his own that nearly ruined my friend's life.

 

Roger didn't even have a car, and my friend bought him one, and Roger had commented but now my friend was like his grandmother. And I reiterated that to my friend because I wanted him to really hear it. That's how my friend was to Roger. He didn't even think of him at all romantically. He just saw him as someone to lean on and I guess party with.

 

I told him that he had just taken the place of his grandmother because I knew that's not what my friend wanted. I knew he was hoping to build something more with him and fix him and have gratitude from him and all that and this guy was never going to have the capacity for that. It was just all very sad but it did wake up my friend because the last role he wanted to play in this guy's life was to be his grandmother, and he realized how far he had sunk and depression from taking on and trying to fix Roger's problems.

 

He gradually distanced himself from him. And of course Rodger just ended up finding a woman to lean on.

 

I'm sure it's still painful for my friend. that's been a few years ago now but the last time I asked him whatever happened to the guy he said he just didn't want to think about it. You can't save another person. You can help them out as long as helping them out isn't stopping them from helping themselves. They have to want to help themselves. There's really no point to trying to help someone who hasn't reached that point yet and it can be so heartbreaking watching them run in front of that train.