Anxious attachment style anyone?

[edgygirl]

I just went through three rollercoaster dates with a man... I think I pushed him away in the last one, whereas he was crazy about me on the first ones. It didn't help that I got drunk and lost my filter.

 

While asking here in a thread about perhaps being a commitment phobe -- someone mentioned it all comes down to attachment styles. I imagined I could be afraid to commit as I do usually push men away when they get emotionally close and/or are open to commitment; yes hard to admit but I am starting to realize that's what I do.

 

I went back to reading about that (read in the past but it took me this last man to realize something is wrong with my reactions and that maybe my relationships end because of me) -- and realized I'd be very surprised if I don't have what they call "Anxious Attachment Style" as described in the link below. This is terrifying and explains a lot of my issues... why I have relationship issues and end up testing men etc.

 

I feel so stupid it took me this long to realize this. And surprised the only time I did therapy this subject didn't come up.

 

My question is - does anyone have the same attachment style and how do they cope? I will probably be looking for a psychologist soon, but would be nice to discuss it here as well.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201505/come-here-go-away-the-dynamics-fearful-attachment

Edited November 5, 2018 by edgygirl

[carhill]

Dated some of these and whoa what an eye opener, talk about the unexpected flying in from right field. I experienced smaller levels with my exW at the different stages of increased intimacy. Once comfort and safety were perceived, the attachment relaxed. There were moments though when I just wanted to outta there.

 

Usually this stuff can be traced to socialization within the family of origin.

 

I'd suggest tasking an IC who's a psychologist with a specific examination of your attachments in your family and childhood history of same.

 

Our past MC, who's a clinical psychologist specializing in childhood abuse, sometimes opined that if a behavior consistently inhibits the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny.

 

I'm kinda the opposite, when I'm in love and getting intimate, I feel very calm and relaxed, often to the point it's annoying to the women I was involved with. I wasn't apparently emotional enough. I didn't feel anxious or dramatic, rather peaceful. That was my FOO history. It's always something

[edgygirl]

Thank you carhill. I'm pretty sure it was you who pointed out to attachment styles in the other thread so thank you for that.

 

So the funny thing is I thought I felt comfy when I found someone I liked... but after a few relationships not working, I have to start to look at my behavior and not rationalize it. And I realized I do certain things like testing and manipulation trying to see how much they really like me. To the point where it is a self fulfilling prophecy... I push them away. I rationalized it by saying they were not what I wanted... but it makes you think.

 

It's clear you are probably what is called secure attachment style - feel blessed! You might be right... I relaxed around the guy I once married.

 

My parents were there and loving, but probably a little absent as figures that could validate and reinforce emotions and provide emotional guidance.

 

It's pretty clear I have to work on this. What made you want to run away? Did you realize at the time which issue these women had?

[carhill]

Thank you carhill. I'm pretty sure it was you who pointed out to attachment styles in the other thread so thank you for that.

I don't recall but do remember we've had attachment style threads in the past which had good information in them. I'll check around.

 

So the funny thing is I thought I felt comfy when I found someone I liked... but after a few relationships not working, I have to start to look at my behavior and not rationalize it. And I realized I do certain things like testing and manipulation trying to see how much they really like me. To the point where it is a self fulfilling prophecy... I push them away. I rationalized it by saying they were not what I wanted... but it makes you think.

 

Yeah, it's tough because we can't read minds and there's always a bit of mystery to human relations. An IC can help with tools for processing the feelings you get that impel the tests. I noted one marked tool was learning how to accept and validate the feeling/emotion as authentic, feel it to the full but stop short of enacting a behavior as a result. Take a break. Re-assess. I found it much easier to move on from strong emotions using that tool.

 

It's clear you are probably what is called secure attachment style - feel blessed! You might be right... I relaxed around the guy I once married.

 

IDK what it is but have always felt that way, to the point that, when a intuitive alarm bell goes off, I pay attention to it. Danger is ahead so be watchful. I observe and accept the observations. That's very rare though.

 

My parents were there and loving, but probably a little absent as figures that could validate and reinforce emotions and provide emotional guidance.

IME, bonding and attachment flow from how the parent interacts with the young child in moments of emotional and/or physical need. My exW called my family the 'Cleavers' after the TV show. It was stable and peaceful and I always felt safe and loved. Nothing is perfect but it was IMO a solid beginning.

 

It's pretty clear I have to work on this. What made you want to run away? Did you realize at the time which issue these women had?

 

Chaos and drama tend to have me heading for the exit. Perhaps that's being too sensitive but it's so antithetical to what I perceive a loving and healthy relationship to be that my instinct was to move on. However, the lady I married was one of the most stable I ever dated and continued that into our married life. Not perfect, sure, but not chaos.

 

I get reminders when dealing with my best friend's wife, where I don't know if she'll hug me or throw a knife at me. It can change from minute to minute. Classic BPD. Caregiving and psychological training has taught more tools to cope/process but still there's the instinct to escape the chaos and nonsensical and unhealthy interaction.

 

A competent professional can provide enormous insight into how one's personality works and processes inputs. The rest is up to us. We are tasked with implementing the tools and work. You can catch yourself and make different choices. It's entirely possible the feelings will be with you for life, especially if they were forged in your childhood. Those tapes are often very hard if not impossible to alter. The tools are a patch. They can be a quite sturdy and healthy patch. Depends on the person.