Why am I like this?

[Harcel]

[]

I am really having a hard time dating, and although I can sit and blame guys behaviour I believe it is because I am consistently drawn to the wrong guys.

The abusive, manipulative, emotionally unavailable guys.

 

I consider myself attractive and pretty much ‘together’ in my everyday life but I consistently atttract guys who misleed me and waste my time.

 

I also seem to attract men who consider or like to think of themselves as the dominant type. I feel the alpha male is something I am more drawn to (someone who leads/takes charge) But I have also been in conversations with these guys where they have told me they would like to beat me (using domination and submission as an excuse) and thats made me feel even more drawn to them....Let me make it clear I do not condone violence or any unwanted actions against women at all, but for some reason I am willing to consent to it from certain individuals.

 

All of this aside I get to a point where I know they are just using me to get off on talking about fantasy etc (I meet most men online and it doesn’t ever get to the point of meeting in real life) and I end up cutting contact.

 

So I guess my question is; why do i attract these guys and how do I attract someone who wants to love and respect me?

Edited November 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Move to ISO

[Garcon1986]

Harcel - are you French? Just curious, that username means harassed in French.

 

So please share with us, the manner in which you go about finding your ideal guy?

 

And when you meet a good chap, what criteria are you looking for, that tells you, no thanks, or let's do a second date?

[Harcel]

Harcel - are you French? Just curious, that username means harassed in French.

 

So please share with us, the manner in which you go about finding your ideal guy?

 

And when you meet a good chap, what criteria are you looking for, that tells you, no thanks, or let's do a second date?

 

I am half French. But Harcel is just an acronym of my name.

 

I don’t meet good chaps....It seems, or I block them, or I don’t pay attention to them?

Edited November 5, 2018 by Harcel

[Garcon1986]

Alright so what methodology do you use to decide, I'm going to respond to his online profile?

 

What are your criteria to agree to a date with any particular lad?

[Harcel]

Alright so what methodology do you use to decide, I'm going to respond to his online profile?

 

What are your criteria to agree to a date with any particular lad?

 

Sorry but there’s no answer to this. I don’t seek these guys out on purpose, if I knew the answer I wouldn’t here asking. There’s no single thing I can say that’s why I am initially attracted to themz.

[alphamale]

so basically you like ass*****? there is nothing wrong with that. if you like them then date them. make sure they have a good job/resources and are educated

[HiCrunchy]

How does one of your relationships typically begin?

[Gretchen12]

You need to separate the fantasy from reality, and separate the s and m role play from the relationship. If you happen to find a man who is dom only in the bedroom but otherwise is kind, caring and respectful, then you lucked out. But what are the chances of that happening?!

[Garcon1986]

Alright in that case you get attracted to those who are the most confident and most good looking, who also happen to use you and emotionally step on you once they are in your dating zone. There are people who have done fine with dating that kind of guy, if they can control the endless emotional abuse that comes with the immaturity of those guys. If you can handle that, great. However, if you want the caring, confident guy, who wants to make you emotionally satisfied, I suggest you join social circles where folks are more educated, or make it known from the beginning, that you want only long term caring relationships. I suspect you are rejecting the quiet nerdy guys who are a bit to nervous to approach you for a date. You will probably find your caring emotionally available lad, amongst that crowd. You can always ask for the hunk or super confident guy, they exist amongst that crowd too

[ChatroomHero]

I believe it is because I am consistently drawn to the wrong guys.

The abusive, manipulative, emotionally unavailable guys.

 

but I consistently atttract guys who misleed me and waste my time.

I feel the alpha male is something I am more drawn to (someone who leads/takes charge)

 

how do I attract someone who wants to love and respect me?

 

 

Basically you are looking for a relationship where someone is not using you and making you a priority but you are looking at people where the majority are built to do the opposite.

 

 

"The abusive, manipulative, emotionally unavailable guys. "...this is not alpha by the way, this is a guy that learned how to portray an alpha but has no real confidence. You need to learn how to filter those out quickly.

[WomenWubber]

The thought of being dominated by a man excites you. You are also very attractive, which makes youva challenge for these abusive folks. This also excites you which creates a fynamic where both are intensely drawn to each other.

 

This is what I get from your posts. You could still stract someone who is confident and dominant, who can push your boundaries while at the same time respecting you. Maybe try researching about your kink, like lurking or even joining a s&m forum and ask your questions there.

[Larry56]

What is your age?

[SunnyWeather]

 

I am really having a hard time dating, and although I can sit and blame guys behaviour I believe it is because I am consistently drawn to the wrong guys.

The abusive, manipulative, emotionally unavailable guys.

 

I consider myself attractive and pretty much ‘together’ in my everyday life but I consistently atttract guys who misleed me and waste my time.

...

 

So I guess my question is; why do i attract these guys and how do I attract someone who wants to love and respect me?

 

 

This information would make generous fodder for many therapy sessions. It's complicated and most likely rooted in the way you sought and received validation and love as a child. Until you can understand the dynamics of your relationship(s) with your primary care givers, you will find yourself aimlessly wondering from one relationship to another seeking to reenact the dysfunction; the conditioning taught you how love should feel and look like. But, that way is not working for you anymore, and yet, your subconscious drives you forward to continue and repeat the same pattern ad infinitum.

 

When you break that dynamic and learn to respect and love yourself (that means setting boundaries, having self respect/esteem, etc) you will find yourself being attracted to someone who can give you the love you desire and deserve. You even will be ok- nay, great- on your own enjoying the wonder of this life you created to be. It's a journey that most likely will not give you the direct answers you seek, but rather one that will take you places to help shed those parts that no longer serve you, and grow into the person you know you truly are.

 

I wish you all the best on your path of healing.

Edited November 6, 2018 by SunnyWeather

[Chilli]

[]

I am really having a hard time dating, and although I can sit and blame guys behaviour I believe it is because I am consistently drawn to the wrong guys.

The abusive, manipulative, emotionally unavailable guys.

 

I consider myself attractive and pretty much ‘together’ in my everyday life but I consistently atttract guys who misleed me and waste my time.

 

 

I also seem to attract men who consider or like to think of themselves as the dominant type. I feel the alpha male is something I am more drawn to (someone who leads/takes charge) But I have also been in conversations with these guys where they have told me they would like to beat me (using domination and submission as an excuse) and thats made me feel even more drawn to them....Let me make it clear I do not condone violence or any unwanted actions against women at all,

but for some reason I am willing to consent to it from certain individuals.

 

 

 

 

The bottom few lines there pretty well tell all.

Very simple, your a victim of yourself.

Edited November 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Mrin]

Okay I'll chime in.

 

Hi, Dom here.

 

Okay, so you have about three things going on from what I've read. I will give you my quick take on all three and then make a suggestion that you should consider:

 

1. Alpha Males: Okay cool. You like Alpha Males. Nothing wrong with that. I'd say the majority of women prefer alphas. Yay! Biology. The only thing I would suggest you consider on this particular trait is that if you're into alphas, be into alphas. I know quite a few women who have felt pressured into dating non-alphas only to regret it later often to catastrophic consequences.

2. D/s kink: Okay, it sounds like you have some Dom/sub kink to you. Right on. Embrace it. Consider taking the BDSM test as bdsmtest.org. Not all alphas are Doms. In fact, not all alphas are really alphas. But that's a topic of another conversation. Embrace your kink.As another has said in this thread, learn about it.

 

3. Pain: okay, as we winnow this down it also appears that you might have a pain kink. What I want you to know is that D/s is one thing, a pain kink is another. My sub enjoys it for sure, but it really isn't our "thing". Not all alphas are into inflicting pain. And not all subs are into receiving pain. You should really explore this about you. What is it about what they describe to you in these never ending chat session that turns you on? Is it the white hot blistering pain or is the pain really a manifestation of their desire for you? Like what does the pain represent?

 

So, I am going to put a bunch of word in your mouth here and riff off of what you've told us.

 

You're probably a pretty well put together woman. You probably have a good job. A good career. You probably have a lot going for you. And what you really want is a really strong man to take the reigns and take you on a romantic and passion filled journey. He's strong. He's decisive. It allows you to shift into "neutral" and coast along, following his lead. Right? The pain thing is really just an elevation of things. A heightening of your senses. Feeling his passion. His dominance. You want to be elevated. Be his special someone. The person he shares his true self with. You want to be loved. And cherished. And used. By Him. Because surrendering into a worthy man makes you feel very... feminine. You want to be the mantle that adorns his chest. The one person he can be real, strong, primal self with. Am I close?

 

Okay, so with all that said, I would suggest you do this:

 

1. Make a list of "my man _________" sentences. What does your man do? Not say. Do.

2. How does your man make you feel. Write it down.

 

Then, as you're meeting men, use that as your guidepost. There are a lot of douchebag men out there who watched 50 Shades and see that as some "in" for slaying women. I hate to say it but when it comes to selecting a Dom or an Alpha, you'll know it when find it. Any real Dom will escalate things very quickly once they find someone they are interested in. You will know immediately when you find a real Dom. He won't **** around with never ending texting.

 

I'll just leave you with this: there are lots of Doms out there in this world. Some will make you feel amazing. Some will make you feel like crap. Decide how you want to feel and only pursue things with Doms that make you feel how you want to feel.

Edited November 6, 2018 by Mrin

[sabaton]

I am really having a hard time dating, and although I can sit and blame guys behaviour I believe it is because I am consistently drawn to the wrong guys.

There is no such thing as wrong guys. There's guys you meet in one stage of your life that are good for you, that are what you need, and then there are other guys that you meet in another stage of your life that are good for you, because that's what you need.

 

The abusive, manipulative, emotionally unavailable guys.

How are these men abusive, manipulative and emotionally unavailable? How old are you? How old are these men?

 

I consider myself attractive and pretty much ‘together’ in my everyday life but I consistently atttract guys who misleed me and waste my time.

How do these men misleed you? How are they wasting your time? What are you looking for?

 

I also seem to attract men who consider or like to think of themselves as the dominant type. I feel the alpha male is something I am more drawn to (someone who leads/takes charge) But I have also been in conversations with these guys where they have told me they would like to beat me (using domination and submission as an excuse)

Yeah, you should stay away from those guys. Alpha males are leaders of men. Napoleon Bonaparte, Alexander The Great, Genghis Khan and such. They aren't the common man that you see walking down the streets, and if those guys want to hurt you and beat you up then you know they are no good to you, right?

 

and thats made me feel even more drawn to them....Let me make it clear I do not condone violence or any unwanted actions against women at all, but for some reason I am willing to consent to it from certain individuals.

Many women are submsissive and there's better than having a hot guy make them submit, to those women. You're a fan of the 50 shades of gray movie, eh?

 

All of this aside I get to a point where I know they are just using me to get off on talking about fantasy etc (I meet most men online and it doesn’t ever get to the point of meeting in real life) and I end up cutting contact.

I don't really feel that these guys are using you.

 

1) You like take-charge men.

2)You like to get physically hurt by hot guys.

3)Those guys give you what you are seeking for.

 

Now if you mean you want a relationship with these guys and they don't have one with you and you feel that you're being used and that these men are bad over it.. nah. These men are hot.

 

You might be attractive and all, I ain'd challenging that, but you're gonna have a hard time getting a committed relationship from dudes who are that attractive, because they are in demand and guys want to get laid a lot, you know?

 

So I guess my question is; why do i attract these guys

Women attract a variety of men. Some of those men women attract are going to be like the ones you are talking about. It's a matter of kissing enough frogs to find your Prince.

 

how do I attract someone who wants to love and respect me?

Try the Church. I guess there's good men in those places?

[LittleLuu]

This is interesting

[Harcel]

This information would make generous fodder for many therapy sessions. It's complicated and most likely rooted in the way you sought and received validation and love as a child. Until you can understand the dynamics of your relationship(s) with your primary care givers, you will find yourself aimlessly wondering from one relationship to another seeking to reenact the dysfunction; the conditioning taught you how love should feel and look like. But, that way is not working for you anymore, and yet, your subconscious drives you forward to continue and repeat the same pattern ad infinitum.

 

When you break that dynamic and learn to respect and love yourself (that means setting boundaries, having self respect/esteem, etc) you will find yourself being attracted to someone who can give you the love you desire and deserve. You even will be ok- nay, great- on your own enjoying the wonder of this life you created to be. It's a journey that most likely will not give you the direct answers you seek, but rather one that will take you places to help shed those parts that no longer serve you, and grow into the person you know you truly are.

 

I wish you all the best on your path of healing.

 

I have tried therapy previously and it just doesn’t work for me.

 

But I did experience violence and abandonment in my childhood so is this something I subconsciously perceive as ‘normal’ although I consciously know that it’s not I am drawn to certain people because they reflect what I knew as love as a child?

[Garcon1986]

So it's very good that you see that Harcel. Part of the reason why my relationship failed previously is that my ex girlfriend thought that me abandoning my parents and cutting contact would be normal. It's not acceptable in my tight knit family. When you get into a relationship that you like, remember that you might be subconsciously asking your boyfriend to fit your views into his norm, which may make him feel uncomfortable.

 

In the meantime, I recommend trying searching for mild mannered lads and maybe church associated social groups, to get the morally well trained caring bloke you are looking for. The stud hunk hotties among us are as much attention seekers as the female models, for them it's very hard to find a lad who is not a Sax 5th Avenue rotating door because, there's always another woman who wants to be with him.

[Harcel]

{snip} Okay, so with all that said, I would suggest you do this:

 

1. Make a list of "my man _________" sentences. What does your man do? Not say. Do.

2. How does your man make you feel. Write it down.

 

Then, as you're meeting men, use that as your guidepost. There are a lot of douchebag men out there who watched 50 Shades and see that as some "in" for slaying women. I hate to say it but when it comes to selecting a Dom or an Alpha, you'll know it when find it. Any real Dom will escalate things very quickly once they find someone they are interested in. You will know immediately when you find a real Dom. He won't **** around with never ending texting.

 

I'll just leave you with this: there are lots of Doms out there in this world. Some will make you feel amazing. Some will make you feel like crap. Decide how you want to feel and only pursue things with Doms that make you feel how you want to feel.

 

You have completely got it.

I hate that stupid movie and I knew I was into D/s a long time before it became a trend. I am generally quite good at weeding out the real ones from the wannabes. I use Fetlife, I don’t think it’s necessarily a good place for meeting people and I find it a little confusing to navigate but it has its uses.

Your last point is what bugs me most, I’m yet to meet anyone online (I have used a variety of apps as well as Fetlife and actual dating sites) who actually want to meet in person unless it’s for sex which is made quite clear that’s what they want through their chat. And I do try to avoid the sexting and sex chat because I know that any guy who leads with that has no real interest in anything real.

Edited November 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Harcel]

{snip}

Now if you mean you want a relationship with these guys and they don't have one with you and you feel that you're being used and that these men are bad over it.. nah. These men are hot.

 

You might be attractive and all, I ain'd challenging that, but you're gonna have a hard time getting a committed relationship from dudes who are that attractive, because they are in demand and guys want to get laid a lot, you know?

 

<snip>

 

I’m 32 and I didn’t say I go for hot hunks, some are good looking some are very average, there is not one type of look that I go for.

Edited November 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Harcel]

So it's very good that you see that Harcel. Part of the reason why my relationship failed previously is that my ex girlfriend thought that me abandoning my parents and cutting contact would be normal. It's not acceptable in my tight knit family. When you get into a relationship that you like, remember that you might be subconsciously asking your boyfriend to fit your views into his norm, which may make him feel uncomfortable.

 

In the meantime, I recommend trying searching for mild mannered lads and maybe church associated social groups, to get the morally well trained caring bloke you are looking for. The stud hunk hotties among us are as much attention seekers as the female models, for them it's very hard to find a lad who is not a Sax 5th Avenue rotating door because, there's always another woman who wants to be with him.

 

 

I think you misunderstood. I would never ask for a man to abandon his family. I meant that I am drawn to people who I know will abandon me because that’s what I experience as a child.

 

I’m also not looking for a stud hunk as I mentioned in the previous post looks are quite irrelevant to me.

[preraph]

Think about this: Who did you know well as a child who was either abusive, manipulative or cold? This could be a man or a woman. We get used to things as children in our own family and this becomes our comfort zone and can lead to big problems down the road. We get a higher tolerance level for bad behavior usually from our own family and then when we meet strangers, we don't view the early small slights as anything important enough to fuss about, and then they gradually just get worse and worse. You have to learn to discard them at the first red flag.

[Harcel]

Think about this: Who did you know well as a child who was either abusive, manipulative or cold? This could be a man or a woman. We get used to things as children in our own family and this becomes our comfort zone and can lead to big problems down the road. We get a higher tolerance level for bad behavior usually from our own family and then when we meet strangers, we don't view the early small slights as anything important enough to fuss about, and then they gradually just get worse and worse. You have to learn to discard them at the first red flag.

 

Easy answer my Father.

But also my Mother at certain stages in my life.

[stillafool]

[]

 

So I guess my question is; why do i attract these guys and how do I attract someone who wants to love and respect me?

 

It's not that you only attract these type of guys as all women attract these type of guys. They like women. The trick is to filter out the guys who are players, emotionally unavailable, or abusive. The question is why are you attracted to these guys who you are willing to let abuse you. I think therapy is your best bet to get to the root of why you don't feel worthy of a good man.