Dont think he ever really loved me

[dollchick]

Met my ex back in May. He came through my line and as he later told me, i was the most beautiful girl hes ever seen and just had to ask me out. Hes 25 and im 32. I was crazy attracted to him as well and we hit it off immediately and started on a very passionate relationship. We saw eachother everyday for the whole duration of our relationship bc we live 3 mins away from one another. Hes also divorced with two kids. One of the kids he has said he doesnt think is his and i only ever met his little girl as he never sees his supposed son.

 

About a month into our relationship i started noticing he stopped sending me goodmornjng texts and wouldnt text me until the end of the day or would text me mid day to set up plans. I started to feel that i was putting more of the effort in. He reassured me that he was so in love with me and couldnt bear to lose me. I also loved him and didnt want to leave him even though some of his behaviors were hurting me such as catching him in some lies, forwarding phone calle, hanging up on me if we had a disagreement, and just a general lack of attention. I always felt more alone than having someone.

 

Fast foward a few months i found out a big part of the problem was he is an addict and had been relapsing. During this time he had been arrested, and had also knowingly screwed me out of a couple hundred dollars. Still i was there for him and did everythijg i could to get him the help he needed. In the midst of all this he built a sunroom for my parents that he completely screwed up and has cost my parents so much money plus they paid him $1600

 

So about 4 weeks ago he was finally sober and for most part doing well. Mind you, i have stuck by his side through everything. He began going back to the routine of making me feel unimportant . Im not demanding but would like to touch base with my man at least in the moring before we both go to work etc., there was also an incident where a known drug addict came to the house to pick up my ex and bc i loved and cared for mybex i told the guy that my ex didnt need to be getting mixed up in anything and that he should leave

Well my ex sided with the other guy and even yelled at me in front of the friend and sided with his friend!

 

So after much thought i broke up with him a week ago. He remained firm till the end that he loved me and wanted to marry me and the thought of losing me waw unbearable

Well now that i broke it off and i explained why, that i was unhappy with him bc of all these things i described in this article. He keeps blmaing me and saying that inwas just looking for an excuse to get rid of him. He hasnt fought for me either esp when this break up was iver thjngs that if he really loved me, he could fix. I made it clear i still loved him but that this relationship made me unhappy.

 

My parents texted him the other day about the mess he made at their home and how they should be refunded and he has ignored them which is disappointing behavior to me as well. I told him my disappointment in him and he brought up our breakup and how he wants to be with me but i broke it off and he isnt gunna try to change my mind bc if he doesnt make me happy that would be selfish of him.

 

I just feel my whole relationship was a lie and i was ultimately a vehicle for money and other help, bc to me if he truly loved me, he would make things right with my parents, and then show me that he does in fact love me.

[carhill]

IMO, he liked that you loved him. Some people are just evil in that way and some have a hard time delineating and making adult decisions regarding their feelings. Another possibility is thinking love rather than feeling it. My exW used to call it 'masking'. They wear the mask of love but don't feel it elementally so errors show up and a partner who loves them picks up on them over time.

 

We tend to examine relationships when they end, or as they're ending, as sort of an autopsy of the death, finding some modicum of peace in the understanding of what we'll never know for sure, then grieve and move on.

 

In this instance, I'd consider the mess and the money to be tuition at relationship university, say goodbye and move on. Whatever it was, it wasn't healthy for you and that's enough.

[dollchick]

Well thing is he is the one who came on strong to me in the beginning. He told me after a week of dating that he was in love with me, that he knew from our first date i was special. In hindsight i think this was all part of his manipulating plan to secure a woman he could take advantage of financially and otherwise.

[carhill]

I wouldn't put much weight in the approach. Most men who are savvy with women know that what appears to be strong desire ramps up a woman's self-esteem and libido. Successful men learn this from a young age. That's pretty normal. Men, even if they're not strongly attracted, can fake it pretty well. Why? To get laid. I know, sounds yuk. Normal stuff.

 

And yes, men will take advantage of women financially. Oh, the stories I could tell, not about myself but rather men I've seen and known.

 

What I usually see that works for a woman is getting really pissed at the cad, bonding over it with her girlfriends, terminating the dude in effigy, going out and group flirting with other men, maybe having some good solid casual sex, then moving on. Some have rebound relationships, some not. Eventually, it works out.

[stillafool]

I just feel my whole relationship was a lie and i was ultimately a vehicle for money and other help, bc to me if he truly loved me, he would make things right with my parents, and then show me that he does in fact love me.

 

You are correct. He's the type who thinks he's in love easily and love bombed you in the beginning. Now that he is 1600 in debt and his drug addiction has been uncovered he's more than willing to let you go. Let him. You need a man not a boy.

[Redhead14]

Fast foward a few months i found out a big part of the problem was he is an addict and had been relapsing. -- If he is an addict, he is emotionally and mentally crippled and cannot love anyone or anything except the drug. He is chemically dissociated from experiencing real emotion especially love.

 

So about 4 weeks ago he was finally sober -- Four weeks is a drop in the bucket in terms of recovery and the likelihood of relapse is high right now.

 

Move on from this relationship. You will find yourself in a parent-child scenario that will drain you emotionally and financially.

[preraph]

He loves dope, he loves sex, he loves having someone who believes in him so he can use them. End of story. He's too messed up to love anyone. He doesn't even love himself enough to turn his life around. Block him and say good riddance. You can't have someone like that for the father of your kids.

[starlight8]

<snip>

 

I just feel my whole relationship was a lie and i was ultimately a vehicle for money and other help, bc to me if he truly loved me, he would make things right with my parents, and then show me that he does in fact love me.

 

You've reached the right conclusion.

His chain of behaviour sort of reminds me of the narcissistic lovebombing-devalue-discard dizzying cycle.

Labels are not important, he may or may not be narcissistic, but the reason I mention it is because I think that if the description fits - and the description of the narcissistic cycle is very damaging and dysfunctional - then that's all you need to know about the nature of the relationship.

 

Coming on too strong at the beginning is most often than not a red flag - however much hollywood would like to tell us otherwise. Let's face it, when we really think about it, who would behave in such an OTT way unless they wanted something, and had an ulterior motive?

Edited November 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[dollchick]

Well it's funny bc he told me he had emotional issues and had tenancies towards psychopathy but with me he actually felt a real bond. And I believed it too ugh

[carhill]

Yup, disclaimers.

 

Classic I've heard from MW's - I'm high maintenance

 

This greases the skids for, wait for it - I told you so; I was honest.

 

Yup

[dollchick]

So he texted me today. Told me he misses me everyday but he cant stop me from doing what i wanna do and he doesnt want me to be with him if he makes me unhappy. I explained how he opened the door and showed me the way out, didnt put up the slightest fight. He said he shouldnt have to beg or chase anyone to prove that he wants to be with me.

 

Funny bc our whole relatuonship wasnt supposed to go alot of ways but i guess thats my fault too.....

[starlight8]

So he texted me today. Told me he misses me everyday but he cant stop me from doing what i wanna do and he doesnt want me to be with him if he makes me unhappy. I explained how he opened the door and showed me the way out, didnt put up the slightest fight. He said he shouldnt have to beg or chase anyone to prove that he wants to be with me.

 

Funny bc our whole relatuonship wasnt supposed to go alot of ways but i guess thats my fault too.....

 

That's a very manipulative way of telling you that in order for you two to work, you need to lower your expectations so he can have less responsibility and have it more on his terms. If you continue with him, he will slowly erode your sense of self-worth and ideas about what a good partner should do.

HUGE sense of entitlement behind his words. Gross.

RUN VERY FAR, AND VERY QUICKLY.

[stillafool]

So he texted me today. Told me he misses me everyday but he cant stop me from doing what i wanna do and he doesnt want me to be with him if he makes me unhappy. I explained how he opened the door and showed me the way out, didnt put up the slightest fight. He said he shouldnt have to beg or chase anyone to prove that he wants to be with me.

 

Funny bc our whole relatuonship wasnt supposed to go alot of ways but i guess thats my fault too.....

 

Did he say anything about paying your folks their 1,600.00 back? That 's the only important thing at this point.

[dollchick]

Did he say anything about paying your folks their 1,600.00 back? That 's the only important thing at this point.

 

I agree totally. Even if everything else about him was perfect that alone is a huge disrespect to my parents and me and speaks volumes of his true character. Makes me so mad!