Can I still restore my relationship (girlfriend with trauma)?

[Formanian]

Anyone reading this, it is much appreciated

 

 

 

I will write a short version and a long version of my story so people can skip the details if they don't want to read them.

I did provide many details in the long version (so it really is quite long...) I just tried to explain the full situation.

 

 

 

Short version:

 

I had an amazing relationship with a girl that suffers from past trauma. She cheated on me and what I gathered from her words and behavior is that it was merely a means to sabotage the relationship. I got extremely angry at first when she told me she cheated on me (went outside and started hitting a wall and myself... I also pushed over a temporary road sign - I went quite crazy). She ran after me and saw how angry I was. When I calmed down we talked about the cheating. I forgave her and said I was sorry that I scared her with my anger. After that first night I was calm and understanding during our talks. At first she said it was all going to be ok - she slept at my place and we cuddled/kissed, but in the days after that she kept saying that she felt anxious/stressed with me because of how angry I had been. It felt a bit like a role reversal although I understood that it could have looked scary. After a couple weeks she broke up with me. Then it turned out to not really be about the cheating, but about past trauma. It felt like she blamed me and projected her old hurts onto me. She acted very out of character sometimes and in the end really appeared to try to burn all the bridges between us. If I'm honest I want her back and support her through this because all of this seems so out of character. I have apologized for being angry but also feel like she manipulated me into making that the issue (instead of her cheating/her own behavior). I feels like everything I say or do now is 'wrong'.

 

 

 

Long version:

 

About a month ago my girlfriend left me. We had only been together for about 6 months, but she was truly anything I could wish for. We met on a skiing trip of the climbing club that we're both members of. We had loads in common and every night we met, we talked for hours on end. We were very active together and always planned nice trips and dates. She said she had never enjoyed sex and intimacy before she met me and that with me she truly felt sexy and appreciated and it made her very happy. In the relationship she felt safe and like she could tell me anything.

 

She shared that her brother had violated her once when she was younger. He was in his puberty and when they were cuddling he put his hands in her underwear. She then ran away from him but did not speak about the incident for years. He never did anything like this again but it made a big impact on her sense of safety because she had had a similar experience with a stranger during a holiday when she was even younger. This was a guy who was fourteen (she was seven then I think) and he had threatened to hurt her if she would tell her parents.

 

When my girlfriend finally told her parents about the incident with her brother he cried and was very remorseful, but this did not fully heal their relationship. They talk but there is still some distance between them.

 

Other things she struggles with: her only other boyfriend had severe depression and she never felt good enough although she still considers him her 'best friend'. Her parents are very distant towards each other and she doesn't understand why they are together. She told me multiple times that she would never want a relationship like the one her parents had. Then again she stayed with her ex for 5 and a half years and that relationship really lacked passion and intimacy. To me it always seemed that she had been in a relationship with a good friend all along.

 

She has been very 'ill' in the past (for three months) where she could not leave her bed for months on end. The doctors never found anything. She told me it felt like she had no control over her body. The illness suddenly disappeared again. I suggested that it could be a mental issue.

 

 

 

My own background: I have had one other relationship with a very sweet girl for 7 years. She sort of ghosted me after all that time together and I later found out she was coping with a severe personality disorder. Although I am inclined to believe that that relationship had run its course anyway the way she left me really broke my trust. I tried to reach her/restore the relationship for more than a year and that had quite an impact on my self-esteem. The things that I went through with her have made it hard for me to trust. When my girlfriend cheated on me I went outside and went crazy not only because she broke my trust but also because of this experience (It has been three years after my relationship with my first ex. She is in therapy, and we are on speaking terms now. I have forgiven her.)

 

 

 

What happened exactly:

 

I met up with my girlfriend in the Alps after she went to do a climbing course. When we met again she was extremely happy to see me and we had a couple of absolutely wonderful days. However, she told me that there had been a guy at the course that really fancied her. She said that she might have gone on a date with him if we weren't together. I told her that that felt really hurtful. Especially because she knows that I find it hard to trust due to my past experiences. I said I found it disturbing that she was thinking about that when we had only been together for such a short time and were having a great time. She then comforted me saying that it wasn't all that serious/she didn't really mean it. Just that he asked her out confused her a bit because he was a nice guy.

 

We both have our own friends at the climbing club so in the Alps we did not do everything together but I did try to spend a lot of time with her because I hadn't seen her the weeks before. I really support her having her own network and her own time as well because she is somewhat younger and I really did not want to be like her ex boyfriend who put her in a 'cage' and said she couldnt have too many friends. However, sometimes when I would normally ask her if we could hang out/eat together she would lash out and say that I acted like her former boyfriend. I then explained that wasn't the case and this would normally calm her down. That being said, it made me more insecure.

 

Then she asked me if it was ok if we returned home if she would hang out with the people from her climbing course (including the guy that fancied her). I told her I was ok with it and that she would never have to ask permission for these types of things because I trusted her.

 

 

 

During the holiday I started noticing that she would sometimes distance herself from me.

 

 

 

At the reunion with the climbing course the guy kissed her and she went with it. Then she told him never to contact her again. That night she met up with me and immediately told me what she had done. I went outside, I got really angry, I called her 'whore' once (very very bad move... I know, it was just overwhelming).

 

After we talked about it and I had forgiven her she explained that she felt like she could never fully 'give' herself to another person. She said that with her ex she had always known that she would eventually break up with him. I asked her what she was thinking when she was with me. She told me that she had always thought that she was going to screw it up. During our talks she was hot and cold and all over the place. Going from angry to sweet. Suddenly it was no longer about her having cheated on me, but about me being 'too angry'.

 

When she explained how short they kissed and that it didnt mean anything I actually felt bad for having been so angry. I made an appointment with a couselor to talk about my past relationship/trust issues and asked for help in these types of situations to deal with anger and read some books about anger management. None of this is wasted effort, but in hindsight I do feel that her behavior sort of turned the situation around. It was quite manipulative I think. My response was quite intense, but it is very hard to respond well to someone breaking your trust. In hindsight my anger wasn't about the kiss at all: She specifically asked for my trust in this particular situation and then she broke it. That was what hurt. That was why I became so angry. That she kept comparing me to her ex etc. and now this: to me it feels like she was really looking for fault in me while I assumed the best in her (which made me forgive her cheating in the first place). Because I did not want to experience what I had experienced with my first ex (her mental illness caused me to act frustrated) i did my very best to respond calmly and with understanding. When I saw her face to face this would calm her down, but if I met up with her again she would again be cold and distant.

 

Anyway, we talked about the whole situation, she eventually said that she was overreacting and that she didn't want to lose me. That is was very stupid to have kissed him. That she loved me and thought I was very special. She then slept at my place and I was convinced that we would work it out.

When I met her a few days later to do something fun together with my friends she was suddenly cold again. She said that she felt stressed and afraid of me. I said that it was really hard for me to see that she was going all cold again. We had fun the rest of the day but she kept being somewhat distant. I told her that we were stronger than this whole situation and would overcome it. I kissed her and she went away for a couple of days to family.

When she returned she was even more distant than before. She said I couldn't touch her and that she couldn't even look me in the eye. She said she felt like it did when coping with her trauma with her brother. I asked her not to make rash decisions and explained how much I loved her and how much she means to me. This moved her for a couple of minutes but then she became distant again. She asked for space and that she would call me.

 

During our first conversation on the phone I explained that the whole situation was quite nerve-wrecking and that I did not want to be waiting on her unless I knew that we would try to work things out. Then she became very mean: she said she didnt need to be in a relationship, she didnt need me, that I wouldn't leave her anyway, that I would just wait for her decision, that her best friend was mad at me because I had scared her with my anger (while I had made very sure that my friends to whom I talked about the incident wouldnt regard her differently when I forgave her for cheating. She knew that I had done this and appreciated it very much). Eventually she calmed down somewhat and said that the only reason she was still considering staying in the relationship was because she loved me so much. The times she called after that time were more light.

 

She e-mailed me after two weeks saying she was ready again to see me. We went out for dinner.

 

After dinner she broke up with me. She said: it really isn't you. I want to be ready for a relationship again and I don't want to lose you but the past weeks I have so many conflicting feelings. I am just not ready. I was really disappointed and said that I was afraid that when she would be ready she would really regret her decision. Then I said I really knew in my heart that we were stronger than this and that I really did not want to lose her. But she said it was very hard but I needed to let her go. When I got home I wrote her two e-mails about how much she meant to me and when I calmed down a aked her if we could discuss the whole issue one more time. Because of the things I knew about her, how hot and cold she was etc. I had a feeling that this had to do a lot more with past hurt/trauma than with me.

 

We had a final conversation after she dumped me where I explained to her that I thought her cheating on me (and accusing me) had to do with her being afraid to be vulnerable/open in a relationship. At that moment she was very tense and she said her body hurt all over because she was re-experiencing trauma. She said she was going into therapy. The real problem now was that she linked/projected her own hurt/trauma with me although she knew that there actually nothing to be afraid of with me. Talking to her calmed her down. The things I said really moved her and I could cuddle her again. She told me I was very special. I tried to say that maybe after she'd gone into therapy we could try again or at least meet again and just see what happens. When she went away she was not able to kiss me because her body was still a bit stressed but she held me for a long time.

 

 

 

After a week and a half I sent her the following message: I understand that things are a bit weird between us now, but know that you can always talk to me if you want. If you don't feel the need or don't feel like responding now, that is fine. Just know that I'm still here if you want.

 

 

 

Then she responded saying that things between us weren't weird, they were over. She said I gave her a panic attack. I apologized and said that it was not about rekindling the relationship (although I have to admit that that is what I wanted in the long run) but just saying that I was there if she wanted me to. She responded that I gave her another panic attack and that she would block me. I responded that that comment felt quite hurtful and that I really did not want her to panic. That she did not need to think about our relationship for now but just focus on herself and healing from her trauma. I just wanted to say that I was there for her. I said that I was not the one to 'give' her panic attacks. The panic/anxiety was part of her. She then said that she knew my intentions were good and that indeed the anxiety was part of her. She said she also 'got' the trauma anxiety from university and other things, but still 'this is how I feel and you are a trigger so don't bother me again'. She said I needed to focus my love and energy on other things in life and that we would never have a future together. She then blocked me.

 

Strange thing is that she still appears at the climbing club. Everyone I know there says that she is her old cheerful self all the time. Not only her ex boyfriend but many of her best friends suffer from depression and related issues. She always told me that they are drawn to her because of her optimism but now I feel more that it is a mask that she hides behind. It is hard to explain but it is almost like she can be two completely different people: on the one hand she is very active, passionate, happy, full of joy and laughter. On the other hand she can turn extremely cold and distant. I cannot avoid the climbing club because I am on the board so I will run into her. Atm I have only run into her once and then we basically ignored each other. I love her so much and really want the old her back. I want to support her through this. I want her to see the real me again and not project her hurt onto me. I am working on my own issues and have talked to a counsellor a couple of times. I just don't know. It feels like such a role reversal... Like anything I try or do is wrong. What I really struggle with is that after my first relationship it has become harder for me to trust someone. My girlfriend with the trauma always said that she would never leave suddenly or block me > she kept saying how she was still 'best friends' with her ex, so we would always be able to communicate. I found it hard to believe that I could again end up in such a situation with mental illness etc. because I truly suffered from it with my first ex.

 

I hope this explains it well enough. I do not feel the need to go into all the details of my first relationship. It is just that that ended due to mental illness, and it seems that that is also what happened now. My counselor told me to not worry/overthink it and just look at it as: she was charmed by another man and that is why she left.

 

If I tell the counselor that I want to salvage the relationship she says that sometimes in life we just lose.

 

Sometimes I do feel like I should not try to salvage the situation but I never before felt so connected to someone... This whole 'incident' happened in a month and it did not reflect at all how she acted towards me before.

[d0nnivain]

Because of all the people who violated her your GF is fearful of men. She has no trust because people like her brother hurt her in ways you can't fully understand.

 

After learning something upsetting about her you flew into a rage. You scared her. She already doesn't trust & now she has this visual of you behaving in a scary threatening manner so she fears you. Yes, you went outside away from her but she still saw it.

 

You may be able to heal things but it will take a lot of time, no more outburst & probably some professional help.

 

But here's the thing . . . why do you want to put in all that effort? Relationships should be fun, light & easy in the beginning. This is already complicated work. To me that is some indication that you two may be better off apart. She may be too broken for you to deal with. Are you sure you like her -- the person she is -- vs. the person you think she is?

[ExpatInItaly]

This girl is not the one for you, OP.

 

She is not in a place to offer you the healthy, consistent and stable relationship you'd like. Past trauma or not, she engages in some pretty destructive behevaiour herself and isn't interested in trying to make it work. Your scary reaction didn't help matters at all, but other problems existed prior to that incident too.

 

She isn't committed to you if she was kissing other men. You're trying to take the blame for everything, but her own lack of commitment (or inability to commit) would have made it almost impossible to have a happy ending here. I would also not rule out the possibility that she's still talking to and seeing this other guy. This a lot of turmoil for such a young relationship, and it's probably better to have called it a day now.

[Formanian]

I have been in a relationship for 7 years so I am fairly confident that I know when I like/love someone. In this thread I focus in on all the negatives to explain the situation but before it all came crumbling down it was amazing how much me and this girl had in common. I guess with break-ups you always fear that you will never find that type of connection again. On the other hand, you want someone that does not leave something that they also claimed was very special. I dunno, I feel that the way she responded/acted was at least partially beyond her control (because she is indeed very broken). It is ridiculous but it almost feels as if I am the one to leave her behind when I stop trying. She is not in a good place right now. I guess it would be best for me to move on and give her the time and space she needs to figure out her own issues and heal. In the end, I will still see her at the climbing club so maybe things will be different eventually if I can keep a clear head and maybe approach her as a friend first (I am not nearly able to that atm, but I mean with time). The problem is that I can become quite obsessed with salvaging a relationship or bad situation and I don't want to wait around. I want to get into the mindset of: if she has had therapy and feels differently I am open to talk without feeling so attached to the outcome. Ive just been raised with this idea that you fight for the ones you love - and a part of me really wishes she would do the same. I know I have overcome the pain of my first relationship so I know I can overcome this and be stronger for it regardless of what happens. Thanks a lot for the replies. It means a lot to me

[PRW]

I had an amazing relationship with a girl that suffers from past trauma. She cheated on me and what I gathered from her words and behavior is that it was merely a means to sabotage the relationship. I got extremely angry at first when she told me she cheated on me (went outside and started hitting a wall and myself... I also pushed over a temporary road sign - I went quite crazy).

 

You shouldn't be with a girl who acts like this.

 

And

 

She shouldn't date a guy that acts like this.

 

Don't know what else can be said.

[Formanian]

All I can say in my defense is that this was not 'normal' behavior for me. I have never been this angry before - it had to do with both her breaking my trust and my past experience with someone ghosting me after 7 years that I just felt completely helpless in that moment. Afterwards I apologized and discussed it with a counselor because it is not something I ever want to do again. But you are right. It was definitely not a good response.

[PRW]

All I can say in my defense is that this was not 'normal' behavior for me. I have never been this angry before - it had to do with both her breaking my trust and my past experience with someone ghosting me after 7 years that I just felt completely helpless in that moment. Afterwards I apologized and discussed it with a counselor because it is not something I ever want to do again. But you are right. It was definitely not a good response.

 

Ok.

 

Well, I think you have a toxic situation there,...and you shouldn't want to be jumping back into the vat of toxins.

 

Work on yourself and make yourself complete,...then you share that completeness with someone else. Never act like it is someone else who makes you complete.

 

A book that I often recommend is Corey Wayne's "How to be a 3% Man". It is cheap and short ($20, 250 pages). That's a lot cheaper than a therapist/counselor,...and IMO,...better. He also has a YouTube channel.

[Formanian]

Yeah you're right. When I met her I was extremely happy with myself; I was climbing every weekend, skiing loads, going to a lot of parties, producing music etc. That stuff should always be first priority and although it never left (also not during the relationship) this whole situation kinda crushed my self esteem. I can't force myself atm to not have a part of me hope for some type of reconciliation down the road, but there would be no point if nothing has changed. I know she is in therapy now. Hope that helps her.

 

We have free counseling in the Netherlands

For now I am gonna leave it and just be polite but keep it short when I run into her. Thanks for the input. This too shall pass.

[PRW]

We have free counseling in the Netherlands

I have more confidence in Corey Wayne.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah you're right. When I met her I was extremely happy with myself; I was climbing every weekend, skiing loads, going to a lot of parties, producing music etc. That stuff should always be first priority and although it never left (also not during the relationship) this whole situation kinda crushed my self esteem. I can't force myself atm to not have a part of me hope for some type of reconciliation down the road, but there would be no point if nothing has changed. I know she is in therapy now. Hope that helps her.

 

And that's how you know you should not be waiting around for someone like this. You talk about fighting for love, but OP, you were with her for 6 months. Barely the honeymoon phase. And she already showed you she does not feel the same way about you that you do her.

 

Don't make excuses for yourself to be her doormat. This won't end in Happily Ever After for you.