Author mmac90 Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 I suppose there is always that chance but I am as near to positive as can be that both the kids are mine. And even if they ended up not being I. Would still raise them bc I just couldn't walk away from them. For the majority of this marriage she has been an exemplary wife. An amazing partner and friend and a GREAT mother. But since she started the new job the added stress of her position has got to her. And we just don't see eachother as often as we used to. Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Of course their your kids no matter what. Your sending her the message though that you no longer worship the ground she walks on, you don’t believe anything she says and she is in danger of being dumped and loosing her family. With her hours and her behavior, most states will give you primary custody and she will pay you child support. TALK TO AN ATTORNEY. Forewarned is forarmed. The hours you two are working is rich soil for affairs to grow in, like a long distance relationship, girls nights out, or lots of traveling. Link to post Share on other sites
overtherainbow1 Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Nah. She's remorseful over the fact of getting caught. If it wasn't for you having your doubts about your marriage and investigating what she was up to - she'd be still having sex with that guy. Or with several other guys. Someone who loves you isn't going to cheat on you. Words are just words and feelings at the end of the day are just feelings, but she made a legal bound when she married you, and she broke that. What details do you even want in the first place? She cheated on you. She slept with another man. She let herself be touched by a man that wasn't you. What do you want to know more? Bingo. Mmac, what do you want? To save the marriage or not? If you want to save this, the details don't matter. Why would you want to know, and why would she want to tell, the details of her having sex with someone else? That's strange even for regular sexual relationships. Your W is still in rebellion mode. Quit fighting her, you'll never win that battle. You cheated, you've invited other people into your sex life before...the boundaries are definitely not clear even though you discussed it with her before. Actions mean more than words. I think the only talking about it in front of a pro is a good idea for now. You're desperate and emotional and your pressure is not going to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmac90 Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 From all the research I've done which is a lot its not strange to want details at all. I just want tto know how it occurred. Movements made. What she was wearing. I know that sounds crazy but its actually pretty common. And as far as pressuring her I'm not ever left it alone for the past month and a half she says she still wants to be together as do I and she's happy to just drop it for good and move on. That's were we differ. I can't just act like it didn't happen. When I did what I did I was an addict not making an excuse but that was the circumstance that led me there. I don't get to just move on we went through months of counseling and I went to rehab. She's an amazing person other than this blemish which is a major one obviously. Ultimatley I just want her and the kids to be in a good happy state. That's really all that matters so maybe I SHOULD just drop it. Idk. Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 From all the research I've done which is a lot its not strange to want details at all. I just want tto know how it occurred. Movements made. What she was wearing. I know that sounds crazy but its actually pretty common. And as far as pressuring her I'm not ever left it alone for the past month and a half she says she still wants to be together as do I and she's happy to just drop it for good and move on. That's were we differ. I can't just act like it didn't happen. When I did what I did I was an addict not making an excuse but that was the circumstance that led me there. I don't get to just move on we went through months of counseling and I went to rehab. She's an amazing person other than this blemish which is a major one obviously. Ultimatley I just want her and the kids to be in a good happy state. That's really all that matters so maybe I SHOULD just drop it. Idk. Drop it and you just gave her license to do it in the future. What that is code for is -I don't want to be held accountable for my actions and suffer the consequences. Good Lord, drop it and you are done and you will feel the long term affects anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmac90 Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 Yeah that's why I don't wanna just drop it bc then there is no closure and its bound to be very unhealthy. But I get down and I'm not a sharer of feelings that's why this forum is awesome. I can finally talk/vent, get advice anonomysly. That being said I know this is kinda bi*** s**t but I feel like maybe its my fault and I deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 That being said I know this is kinda bi*** s**t but I feel like maybe its my fault and I deserve it. While you have acknowledged that you have made poor decisions in the past that have been hurtful to your wife and your family, she chose to forgive you and reconcile. The fact that you have had a previous affair does not give her permission to do something that is damaging, potentially destroying, her marriage and her family. You deserve more from her, and your children deserve more from both of you. Honestly, you both need individual and marriage counselling if you hope to stay together. This marriage is not a healthy relationship. While, you have the right to cheat and hurt each other if you so wish - neither one of you have the right to make decisions that are hurtful to your children. Your children deserve a happy, stable home in which they can be secure in the knowledge that their parents love them and they will treat each other with kindness and respect. Whether together, or apart, that needs to be your primary concern. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Anyone cheating on you isn't your fault. They could have divorced before starting any new relationship. Selfishness, greed and self centered mess makes people cheat. Until they fix that about themselves - expect more cheating! Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 But since she started the new job the added stress of her position has got to her Wasn't stress : She married you for security and provisioning, when she got a better job, she could now provide it for herself, so she started pursuing someone she genuinely wanted to have sex with, someone she is really hot for...and the new job provided the environment.The threesomes you had in the past were for her to have seks with someone she really felt aroused by, they weren't for you, a woman who is 'hot' for you rarely accepts having threesomes or open relationships Your wife no longer respects you and she no longer loves you "...if she ever did", she isn't remorseful, and she going to continue cheating you after things settle down.. And even if they ended up not being I. Would still raise them bc I just couldn't walk away from them. That's another reason she doesn't respect you, you are willing to raise another men's children and you won't divorce her if she cheats, or threaten real consequences.. You marriage is over, get a lawyer... Link to post Share on other sites
overtherainbow1 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 From all the research I've done which is a lot its not strange to want details at all. I just want tto know how it occurred. Movements made. What she was wearing. I know that sounds crazy but its actually pretty common. And as far as pressuring her I'm not ever left it alone for the past month and a half she says she still wants to be together as do I and she's happy to just drop it for good and move on. That's were we differ. I can't just act like it didn't happen. When I did what I did I was an addict not making an excuse but that was the circumstance that led me there. I don't get to just move on we went through months of counseling and I went to rehab. She's an amazing person other than this blemish which is a major one obviously. Ultimatley I just want her and the kids to be in a good happy state. That's really all that matters so maybe I SHOULD just drop it. Idk. You think it's not strange to know details, clothes, "movements" of other people's sex lives? I dunno, you're the swinger, but to me that is strange. I've never cared to know how my gf got laid before me. I was more "in the moment" and didn't see the point of living through her past sex life. I bet she feels pressured. It sounds like pressure to me. Movements? Clothes she was wearing? What? How does that help? You must be a glutton for pain. I don't believe, as James does, that you need to get a divorce. But he is right on the money with his assessment of what she sees in you at this point. Think about that long and hard, because you are a contributor in all of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmac90 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Share Posted November 15, 2018 Ah James jamesy boy. You have no idea what ypur talking about she ddidnt marry me for security. That's ****ing laughable. She's been loaded from the get go. Both of us come from wealthy families. So guess again on that one. And the kids are mine 100% DNA PROVEN you sad ****s. And I've thought about it a lot but that one guy was right its not as bad bc it was a women she did it with. And also jamesy boy I'm sorry a woman treated you in a way that made you develop that thought process. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 So you think it's ok because she cheated with another woman? What makes that ok for you? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 15, 2018 Share Posted November 15, 2018 So you think it's ok because she cheated with another woman? What makes that ok for you? I think he is talking about what I said his wife's mindset may have been, since they have shared women in the past it's not hard for her to think what she was doing wasn't wrong at all and in a worse case scenario that it was wrong but not that bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 While my SO cheating with a woman wouldn't hurt my ego quite as much as cheating with a man, because I wouldn't have comparisons going around in my head as much, the lies would still be a big issue for me. I ABSOLUTELY HATE being manipulated. I HATE being taken for a fool. It ties in with issues from my childhood, but suffice to say it may be a deal breaker on those terms alone. I can't stress enough how much I HATE being manipulated and lied to. Is it the same for you? It sounds to me that the sex isn't as much a problem for you as much as the secret life was. I would refuse to allow my SO to have any secrets about the affair. I would need to know everything. Otherwise what am I forgiving? People can change, but not without facing their demons and past. If she won't tell you I say she is still protecting herself over protecting you. Selfish behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 (edited) I've had two affair partners (excluding one night stand and emotional affair) over the course of my relationship with my husband, before and after marriage. The first one was six months into the relationship, lasted six months. He found out, and I quit my job. I had an emotional affair, and one night stand before marriage. A few years into my marriage I started an affair with my boss. It only stopped when my husband found out, and my boss got transferred. But since I didn't leave my job, he came back and I carried on the affair again. It was only after I got pregnant with his baby and we both got fired, that it ended. I also moved away. I really do think if my husband called my bluff, when I asked for divorce when he first found out about my affair with my boss and demanded I quit my job, then it likely would have never started up again. I guess my point is, quitting the job should be a first step. I didn't even like my affair partner all that much. He was mean, aggressive, but having him around, didn't stop me from continuing the affair. As for needing details. I didn't sleep with another woman, but I only told my husband what he wanted to know. He didn't want to know every detail, so I didn't tell him every detail. Whatever he wants to know I'll tell him. It's really up to you, and if she is remorseful she should be 100% honest. Edited November 16, 2018 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
Maraud3r Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 So you think it's ok because she cheated with another woman? What makes that ok for you? Maybe he's telling himself it is okay because "it wasn't the same as if she cheated with another guy". The way he lashes out at anyone even questioning his decisions or his wife is quite telling about where he's currently at head wise. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 Nah. She's remorseful over the fact of getting caught. If it wasn't for you having your doubts about your marriage and investigating what she was up to - she'd be still having sex with that guy. Or with several other guys. Someone who loves you isn't going to cheat on you. Words are just words and feelings at the end of the day are just feelings, but she made a legal bound when she married you, and she broke that. What details do you even want in the first place? She cheated on you. She slept with another man. She let herself be touched by a man that wasn't you. What do you want to know more? It must be nice to be an Oracle and know the feelings, thoughts and actions of people you have never met. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted November 19, 2018 Share Posted November 19, 2018 are you still with her? best to run Link to post Share on other sites
RevengeOfTheCuck Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 (edited) DNA test your kids mostly to show her you have zero faith in her. One poster on another sight found two of his three kids weren’t his biologically although they looked like him. What site? You don't mean Reddit, do you? Do you have a link? It must be nice to be an Oracle and know the feelings, thoughts and actions of people you have never met. Cheaters rarely ever feel any real regret. They apologize to get you to shut up when caught and then go right back to doing what they do. Edited November 26, 2018 by RevengeOfTheCuck Link to post Share on other sites
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