If your AP broke your heart

[NotADayGoesBy]

Maybe this has already been passed around, but I just stumbled upon it and it really resonated with me and thought others might find it helpful. It’s a TED talk on heartbreak.

 

 

I’ve had a hard time accepting that I cared about my EAP enough that they were able to break my heart, and that it’s taking me (what feels like) forever to get over it. He had some good points on how to move on.

[stillafool]

A broken heart is usually the outcome of an affair. Nothing new.

[carhill]

Relationships often end in heartbreak. One aspect I noticed over the decades particular to A's is the unfinished business aspect. Even for the most comprehensive and mutually loving A, there's still the 'committed to another person' aspect, whether just legally or more globally, so the A doesn't get to experience all the potentials and for some people that leaves loose ends and what ifs.

 

I had more problems with heartbreak as a young man who tended to romanticize women and place them on pedestals. Time and experience took care of that. In some ways I miss that heady emotion of youth but hey we all grow old and die. Part of life.

 

I'd say the only MW who broke my heart was the first one. That was brutal. Good life lessons though, looking back decades. I can thank her for teaching me so much about women that I never knew. It's a pleasure to feel zero writing about her today. IMO, that's the gift. Accepting the reality and living on in peace.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I'm only now starting to see that this is the usual ending. I guess before I found myself in an EA I assumed there were PA affairs that were more of a business arrangement that ended when the two people felt the relationship had run its course. I see now how stupid that notion is--I guess it happens, but it's probably rare. Or they are called 'one night stands.'

[carhill]

I've seen some positive outcomes and suspect a few others where the outcome and timing seemed to indicate prior intimacy and interaction. Actually the most marked positive outcome was with the MW who broke my heart decades ago. She exit affaired with a married man and they've been living together coming on 20 years now. Her M lasted just over 20 years. I was a factor about four years into that 20, when she was 22. By all accounts, last I saw of her, she was happy with her man, enjoying her grandkids and living a good, satisfying life.

[FMW]

I'm coming to think that the massive heartbreak I feel now over the end of my three year affair has a lot of layers and it's going to take time to work through all those layers and take a long time to get over.

 

At the risk of sounding dramatic, my affair partner opened up my heart and soul after many years of feeling like I was just sleepwalking through life. So after so many years of not feeling much at all I suddenly felt everything very strongly - no half measures. I mourned the loss of my identity after 23 years of marriage and my father's death and fell really hard and deep for MM. I was addicted to him - loved the way he smelled, the way his skin tasted, I had to be touching him all the time. The first few years we spent several nights a week together and even if it was hot and I didn't want to be wrapped together with him I would have a hand out touching him while we slept. He was very much an addiction to me.

 

I had NEVER had that reaction to anyone before.

 

I'm happy to be open and feeling very much alive now. But the cost for that was heartbreak.

[BourneWicked]

oh finding my way, your comment made me tear up. I had the same reaction - I've never mentally and physically fallen for someone the way I did for him. People say that's just what an affair does, but I could meet and get to know (and have) thousands of men without that sort of reaction.

[whatcomesnext]

Same, and mine was an EA only. The loss of those feelings is devastating. I find it interesting that you say you feel open and very much alive now still. That sounds very promising to me, like you can take something positive out of it to take forward with you.

[Dissapointing]

I'm only now starting to see that this is the usual ending. I guess before I found myself in an EA I assumed there were PA affairs that were more of a business arrangement that ended when the two people felt the relationship had run its course. I see now how stupid that notion is--I guess it happens, but it's probably rare. Or they are called 'one night stands.'

 

I remember multiple times, my EAP said thst this will only end with a broken heart. I always said that doesn’t have to be the case. Man was I a fool. I guess I didn’t realize how much of my heart I had given out. Of course it would only end this way.

[jah526]

I'm coming to think that the massive heartbreak I feel now over the end of my three year affair has a lot of layers and it's going to take time to work through all those layers and take a long time to get over.

 

At the risk of sounding dramatic, my affair partner opened up my heart and soul after many years of feeling like I was just sleepwalking through life. So after so many years of not feeling much at all I suddenly felt everything very strongly - no half measures. I mourned the loss of my identity after 23 years of marriage and my father's death and fell really hard and deep for MM. I was addicted to him - loved the way he smelled, the way his skin tasted, I had to be touching him all the time. The first few years we spent several nights a week together and even if it was hot and I didn't want to be wrapped together with him I would have a hand out touching him while we slept. He was very much an addiction to me.

 

I had NEVER had that reaction to anyone before.

 

I'm happy to be open and feeling very much alive now. But the cost for that was heartbreak.

 

Same for me. It was like a magnetic attraction. I had that with my first boyfriend although not to the same extent. I read somewhere that you need to be wary if you are magnetically attracted to someone, because there is something else going on there, something dysfunctional.

 

And I wonder, due to the number of women on the OW forum whose stories seem similar, if it has something to do with the loss of a parent. I think that was a factor in my case. He said he'd take care of me, and I needed it.

[Lotus_Luna]

When things ended the last time I decided to face the addiction head on. Therapy, delved into my attachment, relationship and self esteem issues. I decided to focus on my growth.

 

I never saw him as perfect. Good man, with traits I value but not perfect.

I was and I am very attached, but it’s explainable. He’s extremely good looking, we have a lot in common and we get along well.

 

The parts I can’t explain is why I have always been so deeply drawn to him. Years before anything happened I felt something forbthis man. So Inavoided him...

 

I felt the affair was an awaking, it reunited me with who I was.

The break up was my rebirth to change and be something better.

 

All and all with this man I am never stagnant. Always changing into something stronger.

 

I also believe the willingness to be emotionally vulnerable and have the affair is part of the high... being vulnerable and living whole heartedly with courage will naturally make you feel good.

[NotADayGoesBy]

When things ended the last time I decided to face the addiction head on. Therapy, delved into my attachment, relationship and self esteem issues. I decided to focus on my growth.

 

I never saw him as perfect. Good man, with traits I value but not perfect.

I was and I am very attached, but it’s explainable. He’s extremely good looking, we have a lot in common and we get along well.

 

The parts I can’t explain is why I have always been so deeply drawn to him. Years before anything happened I felt something forbthis man. So Inavoided him...

 

 

I also believe the willingness to be emotionally vulnerable and have the affair is part of the high... being vulnerable and living whole heartedly with courage will naturally make you feel good.

 

One of the things they say you need to do to get over someone is stop putting them on a pedestal, but I never did that either with my EAP. I never saw him as perfect at all. I also never saw us with a future together. Which is all the more mystifying why I'm so drawn to him. He's only average nice looks, too. I'm still trying to figure it out.

 

Yes, it was an incredible high to be my complete authentic self with someone, and be totally honest about myself, especially about my sexual desires. I've never been that honest and open with anyone before. I guess it was easy because I had nothing to lose.

[FMW]

I agree totally with:

 

(1) never having put him on a pedestal. He is a very damaged man, I always saw that. He's physically not my "type", although he is attractive. I have no clue why I was so strongly drawn to him.

 

(2) Being willing to be completely open and vulnerable to him emotionally did really intensify the experience. Sometimes I think I was able to be so open and plunge ahead, seeing where it would take me, because he WASN'T really available to me and that unavailability was a kind of safety net.

 

Interesting to compare stories - revealing. I never picked up on the commonality of the loss of a parent. Hmm.

 

My xMM also was diagnosed with cancer very soon after we met, and that was what my father was battling. I've thought about that before as an odd tie in. Also the fact that my father and I shared playing music together, and xMM is a musician. When xMM and I were alone we would play piano together, just like my dad and I used to, as well as other instruments.