The guy who tried to assault me has/had a girlfriend

[donotmicrowave]

Hello everyone,

 

 

I’m having a difficult time so I come to you. A little backstory:

 

When my ex left me, I rebounded to this guy who simply distracted me. I thought it was just casual and nothing else, but he ended up telling me he loved me. He got very attached and eventually I ended it. He still wanted to stay friends, I simply agreed. Although we lost contact for a while.

 

I lived abroad for a while and after a traumatic break up, I went back to my home country, where I didn’t really have anyone. I was very alone and scared at that point. He reached out to me. And we texted briefly here and there, he worked where I do so we bumped into each other every once in a while. I didn’t really care.

 

He was becoming friendlier, then sometimes would get aggressive and mean, ex. saying that the pictures we once took he had deleted and they were ugly anyway, how I’m not a woman because my breasts aren’t gigantic and just petty talk like that. When I ignored, he said he was just joking.

 

One night I was struggling really bad. I was considering suicide, I almost started to go through with it. He randomly texted me and I said I needed a friend. That I was scared. He said he was gonna come over and I was very grateful.

 

This is what happened, it is a bit disturbing:

 

I had 2 ciders. Then he started suggesting wine. I didn’t care, I had half a glass. He insisted I finish it. Then another glass. And so on. I didn’t want to get drunk, I didn’t. But I was so numb and just did what he wanted so I wouldn’t disappoint another person in my life (stupid, I know). I ended up wasted, while he was sober. He started grabbing me, pushed me up against walls etc. I got away, but then he said I should go to sleep. I went to my bedroom, thinking he’d leave, but he was there a few minutes later. He said I should undress, I passed out. When I was conscious again, he had undressed me. I tried pushing him away but it was so hard. I tell him to stop, I knew he was seeing someone, but he just said “she doesn’t have to know”. He took his pants off and was on top of me then, but I managed to somehow just push him off and yell at him to get the f out. He left.

 

It happened a while ago. But it still haunts me. And tonight one of my friends showed me screenshots of the girl’s Instagram page (I don’t use social media) and I saw all these lovey-dovey photos she’d taken with him. One a week before he assaulted me and the other just a day after it.

 

I feel terrible. I feel so weak and unimportant again, just humiliated. And I feel guilty.

 

Would you tell the girlfriend?

Edited November 5, 2018 by donotmicrowave

[SunnyWeather]

Please get some support, you have suffered from a sexual assault. Have you considered going to the police to report this? If they do their job right (and don't subject you to secondary trauma) they might have a duty to report this to his current partner. Maybe others have come forward to build a case.

 

Is there a women's shelter or clinic in your area who could give you counseling and help you with how to proceed?

[donotmicrowave]

Please get some support, you have suffered from a sexual assault. Have you considered going to the police to report this? If they do their job right (and don't subject you to secondary trauma) they might have a duty to report this to his current partner. Maybe others have come forward to build a case.

 

Is there a women's shelter or clinic in your area who could give you counseling and help you with how to proceed?

 

Hey thanks for replying.

 

I do not have any solid proof, which is why going to the police here will not help me much at all. I really did want to go.

 

I have talked to a therapist about it and he has helped me tremendously, but today’s a big setback. I started to understand that him being a pathetic excuse for a human being doesn’t define me and I could move on just fine, but seeing how he can assault me and then act all innocent with another woman just drives me sick to my stomach and makes me feel so small.

 

I have the urge to tell the girl. I have no ill will, but it’s weighing on me so bad and I can’t figure out how to proceed. I have an appointment with my awesome therapist in two weeks.

[stillafool]

If it settles your mind so you are no longer thinking about him then tell her. Is this the guy you met while in Germany?

[preraph]

I'm sorry that happened. It's hard to know what to do. If you tell her, he may retaliate on you, and then you'd have to tell the police for sure. If you tell her, she may either not believe you or already know he's like that and puts up with it. For that reason, I lean towards not telling her. She is likely to believe him over you. I think you just have to trust that she will do what she will do if it happens to her and it hasn't already.

 

You could still file a report with the police, but it will be hard to have evidence at this point. It might help in case he does it to someone else to file the complaint, but nothing may come of the complaint other than having it on file.

 

Honestly, the thing that worries me most is that you didn't block this guy after he said those abusive things to you about ugliness and not being a woman because your breasts aren't huge. This is a big red flag. This is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is often escalated to physical abuse, so you really should have known already not to have anything else to do with this guy after those horrible remarks. Please, just block anyone who says anything this horrible to you in the future.

[SunnyWeather]

I'm sorry that happened. It's hard to know what to do. If you tell her, he may retaliate on you, and then you'd have to tell the police for sure. If you tell her, she may either not believe you or already know he's like that and puts up with it. For that reason, I lean towards not telling her. She is likely to believe him over you. I think you just have to trust that she will do what she will do if it happens to her and it hasn't already.

 

You could still file a report with the police, but it will be hard to have evidence at this point. It might help in case he does it to someone else to file the complaint, but nothing may come of the complaint other than having it on file.

 

Honestly, the thing that worries me most is that you didn't block this guy after he said those abusive things to you about ugliness and not being a woman because your breasts aren't huge. This is a big red flag. This is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is often escalated to physical abuse, so you really should have known already not to have anything else to do with this guy after those horrible remarks. Please, just block anyone who says anything this horrible to you in the future.

 

see bolded. I agree %100.

 

Talk to your therapist about this. If they know what they are doing you will have support to guide your next steps. Participating in a process/therapeutic group might also be helpful to tell your story and get another kind of support, and guidance on course of action to take that will empower you.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry this awful thing happened to you.

 

No I would not tell the GF. You will come across as a bitter spurned EX, not credible at all. telling her will not undo what happened to you nor will it upend their relationship. Moreover if he is so horrible as to sexually assault you, if you disparage him since he knows where you live this might be poking the bear & cause him to come after you. Your safety has to be paramount.

 

 

Disconnect on all platforms. Tell your well meaning friend that you would rather not know.

[Springsummer]

I would tell the gf. I just can't stand a bad guy can get away with this. It will eat me up. and please don't feel guilty, you didn't do anything wrong.

[preraph]

With the girlfriend, think of it this way. Just like he said awful things to you, he is bound to have said awful things to her. His awfulness is right there in front of her when she's ready to accept she can't change him. Until then, no one will be able to tell her anything.

 

Have you at least looked this guy up on the sex offender database for your state on the off-chance he has prior incidents and would be on probation or something like that that would make him more chargeable?