Q: Unhappy in a Relationship?

[LaLa18]

If you are unhappy or unsatisfied in a relationship.. why don't you just break it off instead of cheating on them?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Because being unsatisfied or unhappy doesn't mean you want to lose the relationship entirely. It could only be dissatisfaction and unhappiness with only certain facets of the relationship: facets that a person convinces themselves that they can find happy solutions to outside the relationship. Its a MM/MW strange logic: if only part of the relationship leaves you unhappy, there's no reason to lose all of it. That's why so many OW and OM get tossed under the bus at Dday - only to see MM or MW busting their everloving ass to get their BS back. Once they get BS back, though... you got it: they will often go right back out and cheat again if those same 'facets' are as unfulfilled and unsatisfying as they were pre-affair.

 

Here is a 'cakeman' scenario: John and Mary are married. Mary is an excellent mother and housemanager. She is affectionate, kind and caring in a nurturing, motherly sort of way. John is very happy with this. There is no way John would willingly give up his W who does so much for him.

 

But... John needs more excitement - he wants to be with a woman who talks to him in a context of just "him" - not "him as a father" or "him as a husband" but just "him". Man to woman. Someone who allows him to drop all those other contexts - someone who wants him purely as a "man" and not just as a "husband". He wants to know what it is like to be wanted completely objectively of his roles that would make "wanting" obligational based on the marriage contract.

 

So... he finds Alexis. She listens to him more objectively than the W does, accepts his flaws, sleeps with him, is always always ready for hot sex, and so on. John feels that those things he gets from Alexis, he cannot get from his W - because of the very nature of their marriage contract. There can be no objectivity in the marriage - John is the "husband" and the "father" and is expected to act accordingly - or else face punishment. John forgets how to be "John", and he feels OW can remind him of that. He is happy as long as Alexis knows and understands her place: and the limits to his emotional capacity he has for her. He may fall madly in love with her, but this does not change the fact that he loves and needs his W in his life. In fact, if he gets caught, he will dump this OW - the "love of his life", his "soulmate" and put forth effort to convince his W to not leave him.

 

Now... those things that John has with Alexis have no bearing in John's mind to those things that John has with Mary. In his mind, the two fulfill very different parts of him: parts that have no overlap. The women are cared for in different ways, loved in different ways, needed in different ways. He is happy with both, and would not be happy if he lost either. In his mind, Mary and Alexis will never, ever be able to fill the other's role. Mary will always be the W. Alexis will always be the OW.

 

Now, I'm not justifying this little scenario - or minimizing the pain of it. Just trying to show it to you from the "bad guy" side. Sometimes in order to wrap your mind around a given situation, it is absolutely necessary to look at the problem from all sides: even the ones you don't want to look at. There is a reason that the saying "know thine enemy" came to be...

 

Sometimes, though the relationship has so little happiness, that the person will leave it on general principal. Really awful relationships (awful and unfulfilling on every single level) don't need another person involved in order to make a person want to leave.

[aloneinTX]

If you are unhappy or unsatisfied in a relationship.. why don't you just break it off instead of cheating on them?

 

Wonderful question

 

Seems to be players looking for "arse". Who would even want that type of person that would be the same type playing.

[TheFaithfulWife]

You know the funny thing about my husbands affair? It was that the very thing he was craving, hot sex, excitement, relief from the daily drudge, was exactly what he found I was craving when he moved out! We had the hottest sex life when he moved out for six months then we had had in years!

 

Sometimes a man just needs to give his wife the same consideration he gives the girlfriend. I wanted to be the one he met with in the hotel at noon, I wanted to be taken deep into the woods and make love under the trees. I wanted the flowers, the romantic dinners at the ocean. He just needed to start treating me less as the boring wife and more as the woman he was trying to woo.

 

So all you men who think you need to run into another woman's arms consider sending the wife some flowers and imagine her surprise when she answers the door! Leave love notes on the mirror or on her windshield.

 

Find those things that won her in the first place!

 

Just a thought

TFW

[JayKay]

I think you guys are hitting the nail on the head...

 

 

I knew a couple of married guys at work who complained about their marriages and kept girlfriends on the side. The major complaints were being treated like 'a wallet' and never getting any sex (i'm sure the wives had valid complaints too...)

 

I'm not justifyng their behaviors, but I think this is a typical reason why men stray. They hit a certain point in life and start thinking, "Is this all there is? Am I just a means to pay the bills? Does she even look at me sexually at all anymore?"

 

The reason 2 guys I know didn't b reak up with their wives is; they were scared of being wiped out financially and they were scared they would never see their kids. Otherwise, I think both of them would have been long gone.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Those last posts echo what I have been feeling and thinking....and you guys just seem put it into words for me...thanks....thats why I love this place.

 

 

as for the OP?

 

they dont want to lose the security that the marriage relationship provides

[whichwayisup]

You know the funny thing about my husbands affair? It was that the very thing he was craving, hot sex, excitement, relief from the daily drudge, was exactly what he found I was craving when he moved out! We had the hottest sex life when he moved out for six months then we had had in years!

 

Sometimes a man just needs to give his wife the same consideration he gives the girlfriend. I wanted to be the one he met with in the hotel at noon, I wanted to be taken deep into the woods and make love under the trees. I wanted the flowers, the romantic dinners at the ocean. He just needed to start treating me less as the boring wife and more as the woman he was trying to woo.

 

So all you men who think you need to run into another woman's arms consider sending the wife some flowers and imagine her surprise when she answers the door! Leave love notes on the mirror or on her windshield.

 

Find those things that won her in the first place!

 

Just a thought

TFW

 

That is so true!

 

I like to call my husband at work and TELL him "as soon as you get home from work, we're having sex..."

 

Spice it up and have fun! It's fun to woo your spouse but it's also fun to be the one woo'd too.

[summerblonde]

I don't get out because I have nowhere to go. Due to stress I currently had to take a lower paying job. Hubby is "disabled" and doesn't work but makes enough on SSI to survive alone. He basically is a couch potato with no interest in anything but TV. I am still alive, physically and sexually. I have had a "fling" or two over the years and flirt online but I wouldn't leave until I had a place to go, someone who truly cared for me. I am neglected and bascially just furntiture here.