How on earth did I never see him as abusive?

[Lovehel]

Was in a relationship with a full blown narcissist for 6 years. The thing that is really difficult for me to understand is for so many years up until the very last few months, I never saw myself as being abused. I had this notion that I was too smart for that, I always had this strong will inside me and never felt like I couldn't handle him.

 

I saw him as a selfish immature person who needed to grow up, and was sometimes repulsed by him, but I never felt truly scared for my life at any point. He threatened me but I felt they were empty threats, and thought wow that is weird and ashamed to ever repeat what he said to anyone, I did sometimes think was he capable of that, and I said no he is just trying to scare me for some odd reason and would think to myself he should get help.

 

I always had some reason or excuse for the behaviour in my mind. As long as he wasn't cheating on me, or what I saw as abuse then which was beating me up. I never read or even knew about emotional or verbal abuse until years later when I felt as small as an ant, and wasn't sure why. That is how simple minded I was about it. I was angry and disgusted by his behaviour many times but never scared. I also saw a side to him he didn't show others where he constantly doubted himself, and was deeply insecure.

 

I felt he had a giant ego to hide his insecurities and felt lucky he felt safe enough to let that down with me sometimes, that I was the only one who saw the vulnerable side of him, made me feel lucky? that is how I reasoned his personality. I saw him as a damaged person who just hid behind an ego, but never felt it could never be fixed, and didn't see him as a seriously disordered person. There was always something I could not put my finger on, but I just lived with it.

 

I am not sure if I was in denial now looking back? I genuinely never felt in fear of him, if anything it was more pity a lot of times. The last few months when I looked into narcissism it clicked, Instead of feeling fear though, I was just shocked when I was with him and realized I was way out of my depth with this person and have been all along. I kept observing him looking for proof he was a narcissist, I still couldn't believe it.

 

The strange thing was when I had a guy instinct he was one, his narcissism came to life so much, I started to notice for the first time he had dead eyes, there was nothing behind them. It was like I was looking at a different person. I never said to him he was a narcissist, but it's like he knew that I knew, he didn't try and act nice anymore, something changed. He would purposely spend way less time with me, always saying how busy he was, and be so nasty about it like some of us work you know. He stopped acting normal or showing that " Vulnerable" side I saw before.

 

He no longer wanted to spend anytime with me and when we did spend time he would be very distant or invite a friend with him a lot of times, once when he didn't and I asked him why he never see me anymore, he blew up, completely lost it and said he should have brought his friend to avoid this drama I do. I stayed silent for about 20 mins. He broke the silence and told me this wasn't working and ended it as if I meant nothing. I never saw this completely no feeling side to him. I saw a lot of sides but this one devastated me.

 

Why do you think this happened, did he intuitively know I saw through him for the first time? And felt threatened? He ended up asking a girl he had known for a few months to be his girlfriend a week after things ended. He never gave me any reason or explanation, other than good luck with your small life you small person, and not to bother him again.

 

It changed my perspective on people forever, I always believed most people had good intentions and if they didn't I would know very soon, I spent 6 years with this person and for most of it was none the wiser, that is what scares me the most, how on earth could I have thought he genuinely loved me and be so stupid to fall for all his lies and manipulations, or make excuse after excuse for his terrible behaviour and worst of all think I was lucky to be with him that makes me sick.

 

I am now wondering what on earth was wrong with me not to see it sooner. I feel I have lost trust in my ability to judge people and don't trust myself anymore after this.

Edited November 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

I don't know if it was naivety or if someone in your family was maybe abusive but not to you, maybe, or abusive but it never went far. Lots of women think they can change a man by loving him. You can't. Glad your eyes are open now and you got through it.

[Million.to.1]

Hi Lovehel.

 

I am in a similar boat to you. Almost 6 years. Didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship till towards the end. I also felt the same as you.. never fearful, just felt he was immature, wanted to fix him with love.

 

Remember that Narcissism is a spectrum disorder (like autism) and people on it can display some - but not all of the classic behaviors. Some are covert, some are overt.

It's easy to not recognize some behaviors as abusive due to the manipulative nature of them.

 

My partner was not controlling. He did not cheat on me which is classic narcissist behaviour.

But he did gaslight, criticize, love-bomb, make "jokes" that were cruel by nature, fly into rages, and various other behaviours associated with NPD. He was very smart, and calculating. I was made to feel like the crazy one. I believe he is a covert narcissist which is more difficult to recognize than an overt one.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Many fall victim to abuse in relationships and there are often many positive parts of the relationship too. It can be fine for weeks or months and then a massive episode over nothing.

Try to focus on rebuilding your confidence and understanding the red flags and behaviours for the future, so you do not fall victim to another ever again.

[siochana]

Was in a relationship with a full blown narcissist for 6 years. The thing that is really difficult for me to understand is for so many years up until the very last few months, I never saw myself as being abused. I had this notion that I was too smart for that, I always had this strong will inside me and never felt like I couldn't handle him.

 

I saw him as a selfish immature person who needed to grow up, and was sometimes repulsed by him, but I never felt truly scared for my life at any point. He threatened me but I felt they were empty threats, and thought wow that is weird and ashamed to ever repeat what he said to anyone, I did sometimes think was he capable of that, and I said no he is just trying to scare me for some odd reason and would think to myself he should get help.

 

I always had some reason or excuse for the behaviour in my mind. As long as he wasn't cheating on me, or what I saw as abuse then which was beating me up. I never read or even knew about emotional or verbal abuse until years later when I felt as small as an ant, and wasn't sure why. That is how simple minded I was about it. I was angry and disgusted by his behaviour many times but never scared. I also saw a side to him he didn't show others where he constantly doubted himself, and was deeply insecure.

 

I felt he had a giant ego to hide his insecurities and felt lucky he felt safe enough to let that down with me sometimes, that I was the only one who saw the vulnerable side of him, made me feel lucky? that is how I reasoned his personality. I saw him as a damaged person who just hid behind an ego, but never felt it could never be fixed, and didn't see him as a seriously disordered person. There was always something I could not put my finger on, but I just lived with it.

 

I am not sure if I was in denial now looking back? I genuinely never felt in fear of him, if anything it was more pity a lot of times. The last few months when I looked into narcissism it clicked, Instead of feeling fear though, I was just shocked when I was with him and realized I was way out of my depth with this person and have been all along. I kept observing him looking for proof he was a narcissist, I still couldn't believe it.

 

The strange thing was when I had a guy instinct he was one, his narcissism came to life so much, I started to notice for the first time he had dead eyes, there was nothing behind them. It was like I was looking at a different person. I never said to him he was a narcissist, but it's like he knew that I knew, he didn't try and act nice anymore, something changed. He would purposely spend way less time with me, always saying how busy he was, and be so nasty about it like some of us work you know. He stopped acting normal or showing that " Vulnerable" side I saw before.

 

He no longer wanted to spend anytime with me and when we did spend time he would be very distant or invite a friend with him a lot of times, once when he didn't and I asked him why he never see me anymore, he blew up, completely lost it and said he should have brought his friend to avoid this drama I do. I stayed silent for about 20 mins. He broke the silence and told me this wasn't working and ended it as if I meant nothing. I never saw this completely no feeling side to him. I saw a lot of sides but this one devastated me.

 

Why do you think this happened, did he intuitively know I saw through him for the first time? And felt threatened? He ended up asking a girl he had known for a few months to be his girlfriend a week after things ended. He never gave me any reason or explanation, other than good luck with your small life you small person, and not to bother him again.

 

It changed my perspective on people forever, I always believed most people had good intentions and if they didn't I would know very soon, I spent 6 years with this person and for most of it was none the wiser, that is what scares me the most, how on earth could I have thought he genuinely loved me and be so stupid to fall for all his lies and manipulations, or make excuse after excuse for his terrible behaviour and worst of all think I was lucky to be with him that makes me sick.

 

I am now wondering what on earth was wrong with me not to see it sooner. I feel I have lost trust in my ability to judge people and don't trust myself anymore after this.

 

Because you have never encountered something like this before and you loved him.

 

I think most people in abusive relationships don’t realise until it ends that they were, in fact, in one. That’s how it works. If you knew you were actually being abused you would have left.

 

But it’s extremely confusing. What’s the difference between a bad argument during a rocky patch and an event that is bone fide abuse? Tough isn’t it?

 

That is why the anger is so raw: at him, at yourself, at the universe. And you’re probably second guessing yourself too.

 

I’ll give you a tip. This might take a long time to get over. Way longer than a normal breakup. Be prepared for that and don’t be hard on yourself if your progress is slow.

[Ronni_W]

Was in a relationship with a full blown narcissist for 6 years. <snip> , but I never felt truly scared for my life at any point. He threatened me <snip>

There is a huge difference between a narcissistic personality and a violent personality.

We do have the responsibility and ability to always protect ourselves from the former -- they cannot be blamed if we cannot or will not.

 

I feel I have lost trust in my ability to judge people and don't trust myself anymore after this.

You totally do still have that ability. . The difference is to, in the future, not ignore when you are physically threatened; you have the ability to know when that happens.

 

Obviously people who are in a potentially physically threatening situation do need to take proper precautions to safely exit the situation, (shelters, the police, trusted family and friends) -

- one should not try to minimize the real danger. But that does not mean that you are disempowered or unable to take steps for your own safety.

 

Having been through it, a therapist who specializes in PTSD can be valuable in helping to overcome it.

 

Wishing you the best.