What to expect after first year of divorce?

[Myasylum]

I've been divorced about a year now.

Things are better I don't dwell on things so much.

So I have good days, and yet some bad days where i think to myself.... how the Hell did I get here??

Lots of lonely days, and wondering if I'll find anyone else... especially being in my late 40's.

 

So I just i'm just wondering anyone out there been divorced more than a year, and how things may change from here?

 

Thanks!!

[FMW]

Individual circumstances will have a lot to do with how things go. For example:

 

How long were you married?

Did you have kids?

Was your split amicable or contentious?

Was there infidelity?

 

I've been divorced a little over 2 years, but we actually separated for a year before that. I was married for 23 years, no kids, the split was fairly amicable although he had been unfaithful for several years with different women.

 

I'm still finding my way - thus the choice of my user name! I made things more complicated for myself by falling in love with a separated man who reconciled with his wife, so I'm sure without that I would be further down the path.

 

Try to be positive and see the transition as a valuable learning experience. Spend time getting to know yourself.

 

If you are open to loving someone else I think you can most certainly find someone else to be happy with when you're ready. It happens for people older than you all the time. But you have to be happy with and by yourself first I think for that to happen.

[Mumbles]

I wallowed for almost 4 years in a pool of self pity, anguish and loneliness after my separation/divorce.

 

This was mostly fed my my own disbelief that I was actually going through this. It was almost like I was watching someone else living my life and having things happen to them.

 

My divorce was quite amicable. I mean, gee, things are not friendly, no, there wouldn't be a divorce at all if there were not dozens of bad feelings simmering just below the surface and these sometimes raise up to show themselves - but overall, we organised things ourselves, pretty much, with a bit of legal advice where we were clearly floundering. It took us years to complete this - our separation period was extraordinarily long. Quite a bit of ambivalence in the mix I think.

 

Anyway, no surprise, time is indeed a great healer. You need time for the immediate bleeding wounds to heal over and for you to emerge once again into the world at large. For me it took a long time, and each of us will be different in that regard.

 

Once I started mixing again and even though I was approaching mid forties, I was surprised by the amount of interest. Inside of a year of the divorce papers actually being stamped and sealed, I was married again! Can you believe it? Never thought that would happen, never thought I'd allow it to happen frankly.

 

Anyway, second marriage is in its 6th year and honestly, things are stronger between us than when we were first married and we're in a much better place, as a couple, than myself and my first wife were at a similar time period - can't really compare different couplings I guess, but I can say that my first marriage was well on the way to a bad place by year 6.

 

Thats a lot of mumble (above) ... I guess the take away for me is: Give yourself as much time as you need to emerge back into the world. If its a short time, great! If its a long time, thats great too. You can learn a lot about yourself during this period.

 

Best of luck

[changingmale]

I've been divorced about a year now.

Things are better I don't dwell on things so much.

So I have good days, and yet some bad days where i think to myself.... how the Hell did I get here??

Lots of lonely days, and wondering if I'll find anyone else... especially being in my late 40's.

 

So I just i'm just wondering anyone out there been divorced more than a year, and how things may change from here?

 

Thanks!!

I feel the same way but not divorced. I am so lonely and the weekends are bad. Good luck

[Myasylum]

Even though i'm lonely a lot I have those good days too.

Days where i'm pretty content. I was already married, and had kids... that part of my life is now over, and I tell myself I really have no need to do that ever again. Everything from here on out is just a bonus.

Now I can look at pretty girls without guilt, or talk to them without a wife's wrath.

I'm not sure how to even date anyone anymore, but I strangely have found just talking to other women kind of fun and refreshing. Lots of nice younger women too that I did not expect to happen. I just figured they'd look at me as an old man... Well?? Maybe they do? But they are nice to me and it's appreciated.

[Mumbles]

I'm not sure how to even date anyone anymore,

 

Don't force the issue. Let things heal and progress in a natural feeling way.

 

 

but I strangely have found just talking to other women kind of fun and refreshing. Lots of nice younger women too that I did not expect to happen. I just figured they'd look at me as an old man... Well?? Maybe they do? But they are nice to me and it's appreciated.

 

I don't know how old you are. I'm early 50's and though it baffles me (internally) I seem to be more attractive to ladies now than I ever was as a young man. My only explanation for this is that men are women are fundamentally different in this respect - I may never understand it.

 

Sure, I'm not attracting the sneaky peeks from 20 something girls, but they are too young for me and, frankly, not attractive to me - there is indeed something along the lines of a generational gap at work which means I don't really, honestly now, find very young women attractive ...

 

However, ladies 30+, lots of interest. Both physically and emotionally.

[Myasylum]

Yes, there does seem to be something natural, or instinctive that younger women go after older men. It's just nature taking its course and who we are as human beings. There are always exceptions of course.

I've been doing a lot of reading about you should never settle. It's better to live life alone then to be with someone you were never happy with to begin with. Especially if your 40+. Time is not on our side anymore and we should truly be working towards our happiness, even if that means being alone, rather than stuck with someone you really don't like. We are free now, no sense on making the same mistake twice, just because of the fear being alone.

[Marc878]

You have a good attitude on this. The thing is you may want someone but you don't need them. Learning to live alone makes you complete/independent. Attractive traits to have.

 

H how are you at keeping NC with the X? That goes a long way to a happier better future as well.

[Myasylum]

The Ex is still a problem... and i'm getting the idea she always will be.

My youngest has 3 years left of High School, so I have to deal with it. Thankfully only by text messages.

Even though she's moved on with someone else already... she still seems to find reasons to contact me. Everytime I look at my phone and I see it's her it just makes me feel Like crap. It always revolves around the children, but a lot of the times it seems she just looking for reasons to keep me around.... for whatever reason? I'm still a source to feed from I suppose.

I never bother her ever... but she's always the one that wants to manipulate days, or hours that I have him.

I'm pretty lenient and I don't mind if she picks him up an hour early or whatever... but there is always something.

I can clearly see how my life would be better if she just left me alone. She just brings me down with every text I receive.

I'll be having a good day, I'll look down and there's a text from her. Just ruins everything.

[Myasylum]

Oh, and I stil pick up my son at her place and her boyfriend lives there already.

I just have to suck it up every day I pick him up. It's better than it was, but it's still hurtful. She don't care and it's in my face. It's sad how selfish people can be. As long as she's happy, to her that's all that matters.

[Marc878]

Look up "grey rock". I have three friends who use this and they say it helps.

 

He's old enough pickups/drop offs shouldn't be a problem. Zero engagement.

 

As for texts use one word answers if you can. If it isn't child related ignore.

 

I'm assuming you never do any type of shared time. Holidays, birthdays should be separate. Any engagement just keeps you in it.

 

They all want the "friends" thing. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you have to talk or engage. Especially if they are older.

 

You control your phone and yourself. She can't do it unless you let her.

 

Many find themselves in a habit of responding to everything. Don't.

[Myasylum]

Yea, I try not to answer. Then I pick up my son and he says, "Mom's mad at you for not answering her. "

Then my 16 year old gets mad at me for not being nice to mom.

I can't win.

[Marc878]

Yea, I try not to answer. Then I pick up my son and he says, "Mom's mad at you for not answering her. "

Then my 16 year old gets mad at me for not being nice to mom.

I can't win.

 

Set him down and explain the situation. In a sanitized way. At 16 hes old enough to understand.

 

If not you’ll linger in this.

 

The only one keeping you in this is yourself.

 

You count too. It not your job to hide her affair, etc.

[Marc878]

At this time you are letting her control you and the situation.

 

You won’t move on or heal like that.

 

Not a life you should be living.

 

The truth fixes a lot of things.

 

Being a martyr isn’t going to help you or your kids.

 

It’s not like she’ll divorce you or leave.

 

She already has. You don’t have a thing to lose here but you will free yourself.

[Marc878]

Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” free pdf

 

It’s short and will probably help you get yourself out of this situation

[elaine567]

Wait a minute, your ex wife contacts you about YOUR kids, and you are annoyed and ignore her...

Edited November 8, 2018 by elaine567

[Marc878]

Wait a minute, your wife contacts you about YOUR kids, and you are annoyed and ignore her...

 

Maybe you should go back and read his threads on her cheating and narcissistic behavior before passing judgement

[elaine567]

Maybe you should go back and read his threads on her cheating and narcissistic behavior before passing judgement

 

 

I do not need to "pass judgement", his own kids do not exactly seem to be happy with him...

[Marc878]

I do not need to "pass judgement", his own kids do not exactly seem to be happy with him...

 

Read his posts again. X using kids to manipulate.

 

Typical narcissistic behavior.

[Myasylum]

Thank You Marc878.

 

Yes, I think that is part of what is going on too.

Mom is complaining to my son about me not responding to her. Still trying to manipulate the situation to make me the bad guy. There is a name for that... Divide and Conquer.

I try to answer as brief as possible. But if i'm at work I don't always get a chance to say anything right away.

Then my ex tells my son that i'm ignoring her, and my son tells me that i'm being mean to her .

Thing is too a lot of the things she comes up with are just petty... yes it has to with the kids, like she went to get my sons temps to get his license and how difficult it was to do.

Well ok?? I guess next time I'll take him?? Idk?? I mean? What can I say? If I say nothing, i'm ignoring her and being mean. It just leads to a conversation.... which is what I really think she's trying to do.

[Marc878]

That’s exactly what’s going on.

 

Your X is a problem but you are the biggest.

 

You have control if you want it. You just aren’t using it.

 

So your wife cheats, divorced you, introduced your kids to her other man yet you let her control you through your kids.

 

You appear to be affraid of making her mad. Why?

 

You will never have a good life living like this.

 

Do you see how ludicrous this looks?

[Marc878]

Just because you have kids together doesn’t mean you have to kiss her ass. Which is what you’re doing.

 

Read up on parallel parenting and grey rocking.

 

The thing is you have to stand up for yourself.

 

If you can’t/don’t this will be your life.

 

I suspect you hid her cheating from your kids and she probably blamed you for everything?

 

Your MR Nice Guy approach will just keep getting you walked on.

 

This situation is fixable. I have 3 friends who apply the same techniques. They all say they should have done it from the beginning.

 

It’s totally up to you.

[Myasylum]

I get it.

 

Thanks. I will look into the Grey Rock and the PDF you suggested.

 

Thanks.

[Marc878]

Your welcome. Read up and plan it out.

 

This is a lot easier done than you think.

 

Your life is totally up to you.

 

But it will thanks strength and fortitude.

 

You can do this.

[seibert253]

Kids can handle the truth.

My son knew his mom cheated on his dad, and destroyed our family.

He loves his mom, but hates what she did (love the sinner, hate the sin)

 

As for me, the first year after she left was GREAT. I could finally be myself and didn't have to walk around on eggshells.

 

I had more sex that year, than the past 5 years of my marriage. (I truly became a manwhore) Good or bad, I had ALOT of fun.