What to expect after first year of divorce?

[Myasylum]

Well, my kids do know.

It seems like such a sad thing to know of your mother. I can't even imagine.

The oldest is smart. He doesn't believe her anymore. The 16 year old is differnt... has a mama's boy. To him she can do no wrong.

And trust me, i'm not a push over. I have no issue sticking it to her... you'd think she'd learn and leave me alone.

Now she's asking about Christmas plans with the kids (Yes separately)... That's what I mean... Always something.

[Marc878]

You can control any contact with her. Your phone, yourself, your time, etc is 100% controllable by you.

 

A friend of mine has two girls in grade school. His WW left him for her boss. He doesn't feel he owes her a thing. Keeps everything separate.

 

He parallel parents and grey rocks. Anything not kid related he ignores. There's nothing she or anyone can do about it. He never engages with her. If they attend school functions or sports. He sits away from her.

 

She bugged him a lot upfront but has started to taper off.

 

He says it's the best thing he could have done.

 

It works only if you apply it.

[Marc878]

Well, my kids do know.

It seems like such a sad thing to know of your mother. I can't even imagine.

The oldest is smart. He doesn't believe her anymore. The 16 year old is differnt... has a mama's boy. To him she can do no wrong.

And trust me, i'm not a push over. I have no issue sticking it to her... you'd think she'd learn and leave me alone.

Now she's asking about Christmas plans with the kids (Yes separately)... That's what I mean... Always something.

 

Just text back a brief response. Ex: this is the schedule.

 

If your youngest is 16 I'd tell him you can set your own schedule. I don't need to be involved. He's old enough.

 

Don't think you have to reply to everything. You don't.

 

It's totally up to you.

[Myasylum]

I just said, "the 23rd" and that was it.

Till the next thing she comes up with. Probably school conferences.

I get it. I do. Keep it short if anything.

[Marc878]

I just said, "the 23rd" and that was it.

Till the next thing she comes up with. Probably school conferences.

I get it. I do. Keep it short if anything.

 

It is hard upfront. Seems awkward. I get it.

 

You just have to think about how awkward was her affair and aftermath.

 

The main thing is most like to throw out breadcrumbs. Things not related to kids or business. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

 

It's not rude or ill mannered. She took herself out of your life so you're just helping her along.

 

Just take the time to think on whether you even need to reply or not. I'd bet there's a lot that doesn't require a response

[2.50 a gallon]

It took me about a year before the mind movies went away and I could once again enjoy sex. Then my sex life took off. Amongst my FWB's were several divorced women. Kids would be off to their dad's during the weekend and about once a month mom spent Saturday night at my place. Just to get her jollys.

I had a great sex life and was never lonely, I could do what I wanted and with whom ever I wanted and nobody to answer to.

Me, I swore I would never let myself fall in love again. Then about 15 years later I met this divorced long legged blonde mom with a face I could kiss good morning to for the rest of my life. Totally out of my league.

First kiss second date, and my mighty walls melted away. I went home that night realizing how lonely I was.

We have now been together for over 23 years.

[WorstFeelingEver]

Man, I feel like I could have written this!

 

OP, I am in same situation. Divorced. After 17 months of separation & divorce combined, (Dec 2016 until July 2018), I have moved on. I mean, that is what it is, a divorce. Ex-wife moves on, & I move on, right?

 

I, like you, never contact ex-wife. I feel good, then....She always will text me at least once a week, I mean, WTH? Then feel like crap again for a day or two. Most times, about the kids. But sometimes, stupid stuff. I owe her this, I owe her that, complaining about child support, what are my plans with kids 2 months from now??!! & about what the kids & I did over the weekend!!!!

 

Sometimes, I do not respond back to her (when not regarding kids). About a month down the road, ex-wife will text something else, & include something like, how I don't communicate with her!!...What?

 

I swear, I get a new gray hair every 2 weeks from her. But I finally started dating again (No, not living with anyone) just dating, having fun, trying to move on with my life, being happy going out, then, BAM! I see ex-wife text, and I feel down again. I think she does it to get at me or to see how I react, or possibly see how I am doing. IDK.

 

But, Marc878 is right. We are no longer married. I don't have to answer her, if not regarding kids, so she is mad at me? what will she do, take me back to court?? I am in control of my time, my life, my phone, etc....

 

You have to train yourself to let go of her neediness. She wants to communicate? If not about your kids, then have her communicate with her boyfriend.... She didn't have a problem communicating with boyfriend, when she was married to you!!!

[Myasylum]

WorstFeelingEver -

 

You are right! Same situation.

She'll text me at work, and it's just ugh! And I just put my head down.

It's like a punch in the gut with every text.

 

Sometimes I wonder if she's reading this, lol. You never know...

 

As far as meeting people, yea... it's cold outside already so I rarely leave the house (till Spring). So it's hard for me to meet anyone.

I did meet someone with online dating, I REALLY liked her, but she wanted to keep dating others, and me.

I couldn't do it. My wife cheated on me, I couldn't deal with the girl i'm dating knowingly being with others too. So that actually set me way back emotionally. It sucked, but I had to let it go.

I've realized online dating isn't for me either. It's really set up to play in women's need for attention and it gets addicting for them. They end up being addicted to the attention and just lead men on.

So as far as love life, here I sit.

Sometimes happy as a clam, no one nagging, belittling, blaming ect ect ect... and sometimes lonely as Hell wondering if meeting the "right" person would really be so terrible??

[Marc878]

Once you break free and realize you can control you life will get a lot better.

[Insoc]

I think it depends on the person and their prior history, take my soon to be ex, this was her 2nd marriage, first one ended similar to ours, history likes to repeat itself. She didn't give herself a year, it was within a few months we started dating, stupid me was never married so I didnt' think nothing of it, now 10+ years later, I'm getting what I should have realized back then.

 

Now she is going from our marriage into dating, fast. I thought she would be single for a year, me too but now I feel like I cannot be alone that long in an area I have no family or friends in, we are newcomers basically and didn't have time to develop much friendships and moved 3K miles away from everyone we knew.

 

So I think it depends, some people seem to move on fast others like to wait, for me I cannot go that long.

[Myasylum]

I think it's harder for women to be alone than it is for men.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like being alone either, but for some reason it seems even more difficult for them. Insecurities or whatever?

My ex's mother even told me when my ex was in High School she pulled the same crap then. She wouldn't leave a relationship unless she had someone else there in waiting. So she's really never been alone a day in her life....

Which in a way is kind of sad. What kind of self of being can you have?

I'm not one for meeting me people either, so that's another struggle I have. I feel kind of forced to be out there, when I WAS just kind of settled into marriage life.

I've been taking to girls, and I've already biffed a few times saying stupid S*it, and I end up feeling pretty stupid. However i'm kind of considering it a slow learning process.

[Marc878]

You haven't dated in awhile so don't worry about it. Good solid guys are a rarity. The more you go at it the Bette you'll become. Be yourself.

 

The main thing is value yourself.

 

How's NC going with the X ?

[Insoc]

I think it's harder for women to be alone than it is for men.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like being alone either, but for some reason it seems even more difficult for them. Insecurities or whatever?

My ex's mother even told me when my ex was in High School she pulled the same crap then. She wouldn't leave a relationship unless she had someone else there in waiting. So she's really never been alone a day in her life....

Which in a way is kind of sad. What kind of self of being can you have?

I'm not one for meeting me people either, so that's another struggle I have. I feel kind of forced to be out there, when I WAS just kind of settled into marriage life.

I've been taking to girls, and I've already biffed a few times saying stupid S*it, and I end up feeling pretty stupid. However i'm kind of considering it a slow learning process.

 

Yes, my soon to be ex is not too picky trying to find someone to latch on to, starting cybersex 11 days after just connecting via a dating site, way out of her character but people change. She lost it, no job, no money, can't find a place to live. So by giving this new fling what he want's "Sex", she will play him into allowing her to live with him, at least that's my idea. I wish her best of luck, guy is half her age, she is early 50's, do the math. Twisted and what she discussed is beyond gross and not something I'd ever expect to come out of her head.

[Myasylum]

I hear yea... completely out of character.

I wouldn't have expected this either.

I mean after sending our kids to confirmation classes, you'd think she'd have learned something... but no.

Then there is the theory, this is really how they always were, they just hid it really well.

That could be too... they knew who we wanted them to be, in return we kept them safe and comfortable, then something snaps, and off to the races... where the grass is greener (so they think), and they can become the mess they were always meant to be.

However... that no longer my issue.

 

NC is... so far so good actually. She hasn't contacted me in over a week. It's coming though... it's coming.

[Insoc]

I have quotes I printed out taped all over my bedroom wall, on being lied to, cheating and etc. I have about ten of them currently letter sized, I know my Wife saw them, but won't say anything. It's my way of telling her how i feel about her since she is so into "quotes", she won't show that she saw them, but I know she did.

 

I think at 1 year, I'll feel good and free of this misery, I hope for her the Sex is worth it with this guy half her age. I think due to her finanical situation and no job or career, one on year, she will be worst off than me, unless her new lover half her age takes her in, which means she will have to move 150+ miles away to an areas more congested and some place she flat out told me she would never live in CA.

 

The big question I have is, how do you deal with the thought of your ex in bed with another person? Hmm? I try to block it out by imaginging myself in bed with another woman, does that sound healthy? I mean I'm not ready to hang up the dating thing yet, but I'm not a one night stand hook-up type of person either, thought my wife was the same, boy was I wrong.

[Marc878]

I hear yea... completely out of character.

I wouldn't have expected this either.

I mean after sending our kids to confirmation classes, you'd think she'd have learned something... but no.

Then there is the theory, this is really how they always were, they just hid it really well.

That could be too... they knew who we wanted them to be, in return we kept them safe and comfortable, then something snaps, and off to the races... where the grass is greener (so they think), and they can become the mess they were always meant to be.

However... that no longer my issue.

 

NC is... so far so good actually. She hasn't contacted me in over a week. It's coming though... it's coming.

 

NC is up to you not her. Now you know how to handle it and what to do.

[Myasylum]

Insoc -

 

I hear yea!

 

Thing is she may have seen all those quotes, but she doesn't care, and now neither should you. It's how they are, they can turn it on and off like a light switch.

 

It really bothered me too knowing she was with someone else... but then I started to realize, what kind of person would pull the kind of crap she did?

 

A loser... that's who.

 

And I want nothing to do with her... and new "boyfriend" well, he's obviously a loser too, so they deserve each other, and I deserve better.

 

I've already heard stories that things aren't as peachy as she makes it sound either, so it all comes around.

 

Its up to us guys now to let go of the past and realize how much better off you are now.

 

We deserve better, and have a happier future without them ahead... dwell on that instead

Edited November 20, 2018 by Myasylum

[Marc878]

Someone's getting stronger and smarter

[Oak]

I've been divorced about a year now.

Things are better I don't dwell on things so much.

So I have good days, and yet some bad days where i think to myself.... how the Hell did I get here??

Lots of lonely days, and wondering if I'll find anyone else... especially being in my late 40's.

 

So I just i'm just wondering anyone out there been divorced more than a year, and how things may change from here?

 

Thanks!!

 

I've been divorced for just over a year. The hardest part was on the weekends when I didn't have my kids. I basically have them M-F and every other weekend. It took time to adjust to being in a quiet, seemingly empty house but I've learned to stay busy and now look forward to having some time to myself.

 

My ex seems to find excuses to text me too. We divorced because she cheated on me. I try to only respond to the texts that relate to our kids. No contact is a nice idea, but I have found that "minimal contact" is more realistic when you have kids.

 

I haven't seen my ex with anyone else and she has only mentioned one guy asking her out, but knowing her, I'm sure she's been out with many guys. The thought of it bothered me at first, but then I reminded myself that she was with another guy during our marriage (if not more...I'll never know). I don't dwell on it and just remind myself what kind of woman the guy is getting.

 

My biggest challenge now is not finding interested women...it's trusting them. To be blunt, I don't.