Wife in Emotional Affair.

[attheend]

Hi All, first post here.

 

I've been married to my wife for 25 years and we were together 3 years before that. I have a 23 year old son who still lives in the house.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching TV and my wife was in the other room talking to a newly reunited girl friend from her teen age years (facebook).

 

She was pretty buzzed from alcohol and I overheard her say "I don't think he cares...I'm just waiting for a better offer." Her friend responded " You need to do what your heart tells you...".. This went on for a few more minutes and then I let her know I heard her.

 

I was really upset, but she wasn't sure what I heard. I was so angry that I went into my studio and shut the door so I could cool down.

 

I did leave the house for a couple of hours and when I got back she was on the phone, but I thought it was just her girlfriend again, so I just went back into my studio to get some sleep.

 

The next day we had multiple discussions about it and needless to say I was still very angry. She apologized and said that she has been feeling very lonely and that she didn't think I loved her anymore.

 

There is truth in some of the things that she has issues with... I am somewhat of a withdrawn person and was not giving her enough attention.. We have had issues in the past, but I thought that we were in a good enough place.

 

So at the end of the day, we decided that we still "love" each other and should try to work it out. I explicitly asked here if there was anyone else in the picture and if she was having an emotional affair. She said absolutely not.

 

For the next couple of weeks, I been trying everything I could to make sure that she knew how much I loved her, we have been having sex almost nightly, but I never got over the nagging feeling that there was more to it.

 

I've been monitoring her phone calls and facebook, but only found an occasional facebook "like" to one of her male friends. She had been deleting all calls and messages daily so I was consistently bothered that I could not verify the truthfulness of whether or not she was having an affair.

 

Tonight I finally downloaded her cell activity and found hours of calls to the male facebook friend referred to above.

 

I was not going to confront her on it until tomorrow, but she saw that I was not in bed and came to find out what I was doing.

 

I then proceeded to tell her I knew she was lying to me. Once she new that I knew what she was doing, she justified it with... I told you I was unhappy...

 

The phone records go past the reconciliation point which means that she has been lying to me daily since and this has been going on for a couple of months. She swears up and down that she has never had an outside physical affair, but what this has shown me is that she is a liar and I don't think I could ever trust her again.

 

The other man is an old high school boyfriend (not married) that lives in Mass... we are in NC.

 

I am planning on visiting a lawyer tomorrow and taking care of money accounts.

 

I guess I needed to get it all out as I have not told anybody else that this is going on.

 

Any advice would be appreciated

 

attheend

[d0nnivain]

You admit that you haven't been there emotionally for you wife. That does not justify her seeking comfort else where but it does explain it.

 

Personally with a little effort I think you can repair this as long as she unfriends him & comes clean but if you are going straight to lawyer then there is no hope.

[Marc878]

Inform her other mans wife immediately. That's always the first and best step.

 

Do not tell your wife. She'll just warn him.

 

Does the other man live close? If so don't rule out a sexual affair.

 

Most betrayed spouses stay in denial upfront. Don't

[Chaparral]

What is she saying now? Did she continue contacting him after she decided to work on the marriage?

 

Is this a total deal breaker? Is she begging you to stay married? Have you told her you would buy her a ticket to Mass?

 

Read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. Download at amazon.

 

How do you he hasn’t visited your area?

[Marc878]

Inform her other mans wife immediately. That's always the first and best step.

 

Do not tell your wife. She'll just warn him.

 

Does the other man live close? If so don't rule out a sexual affair.

 

Most betrayed spouses stay in denial upfront. Don't

 

Sorry missed the info in your first post.

 

You aren't perfect, neither is she. Did you have an affair because of it?

[d0nnivain]

Does the other man live close? If so don't rule out a sexual affair.

 

OM is in Massachusetts. OP & his wife are in North Carolina. Since he didn't find plane tickets or hotel receipts, I think this was an EA only

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Here's an old thread from a member who, before leaving [LoveShack] many years after, recovered his M from an emotional affair by his wife....

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/49539-dealing-what-can-i-do-help-myself-get-over-past-affair

 

Something that member mentioned often was 'foundation'. Do you believe your marriage has a solid foundation? You've been married a long time. Were you and your spouse solid and united and bonded for much of it or has their been disconnect and rancor and doubt all along?

 

If your wife is in her 40's, IME women get pretty horny and self-actualized then, feeling their oats, especially in a long M. As one MW recently shared with me, after 30 years it's not the same. I was talking about my surprise that she and H weren't more affectionate on an everyday basis. I'd only been married ten years and always felt that way towards my ex before the M went south at that point. Never got old. Kissing, holding hands, caressing her, PDA's. etc. IDK.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing and perhaps the serving a divorce lawsuit on her will shock her into reality. Around here, men file for divorce rarely and it's usually when they're super pissed off about something important. Infidelity would be one of those things. Good luck!

Edited November 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify

[Marc878]

Hi All, first post here.

 

I've been married to my wife for 25 years and we were together 3 years before that. I have a 23 year old son who still lives in the house.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching TV and my wife was in the other room talking to a newly reunited girl friend from her teen age years (facebook).

 

She was pretty buzzed from alcohol and I overheard her say "I don't think he cares...I'm just waiting for a better offer." Her friend responded " You need to do what your heart tells you...".. This went on for a few more minutes and then I let her know I heard her.

 

This is an enabling friend. No friend of your marriage. If you decide to work on the marriage she has to be banned for life.

 

I was really upset, but she wasn't sure what I heard. I was so angry that I went into my studio and shut the door so I could cool down.

 

I did leave the house for a couple of hours and when I got back she was on the phone, but I thought it was just her girlfriend again, so I just went back into my studio to get some sleep.

 

The next day we had multiple discussions about it and needless to say I was still very angry. She apologized and said that she has been feeling very lonely and that she didn't think I loved her anymore.

 

There is truth in some of the things that she has issues with... I am somewhat of a withdrawn person and was not giving her enough attention.. We have had issues in the past, but I thought that we were in a good enough place.

 

So at the end of the day, we decided that we still "love" each other and should try to work it out. I explicitly asked here if there was anyone else in the picture and if she was having an emotional affair. She said absolutely not.

 

Bud, all cheaters lie a lot.

 

For the next couple of weeks, I been trying everything I could to make sure that she knew how much I loved her, we have been having sex almost nightly, but I never got over the nagging feeling that there was more to it.

 

You are doing the "pick me dance" and trying to nice her back. This actually works against you at this time

 

I've been monitoring her phone calls and facebook, but only found an occasional facebook "like" to one of her male friends. She had been deleting all calls and messages daily so I was consistently bothered that I could not verify the truthfulness of whether or not she was having an affair.

 

Tonight I finally downloaded her cell activity and found hours of calls to the male facebook friend referred to above.

 

I was not going to confront her on it until tomorrow, but she saw that I was not in bed and came to find out what I was doing.

 

I then proceeded to tell her I knew she was lying to me. Once she new that I knew what she was doing, she justified it with... I told you I was unhappy...

 

The phone records go past the reconciliation point which means that she has been lying to me daily since and this has been going on for a couple of months. She swears up and down that she has never had an outside physical affair, but what this has shown me is that she is a liar and I don't think I could ever trust her again.

 

Her affair is still ongoing. You can't make her do a thing.

 

The other man is an old high school boyfriend (not married) that lives in Mass... we are in NC.

 

I am planning on visiting a lawyer tomorrow and taking care of money accounts.

 

I guess I needed to get it all out as I have not told anybody else that this is going on.

 

Any advice would be appreciated

 

attheend

 

Upfrong knee jerk reactions aren't good. Better take a little time to think.

 

You will also find that talk doesn't get you much. Actions speak a lot louder.

 

Affairs are addictive. If you do decide to try and reconcile. Her other man has to be removed from your marriage permanently. Also any enabling friends, etc.

 

Don't offer R upfront and don't jump into marriage counciling.

 

I would say that helping to hide her affair is not a good idea or your job. Consequences are a good thing.

[pepperbird]

op,

if you don't mind a piece of advice, it's to take your time in making any decisions. Meeting with a lawyer to discuss the situation and your options makes a lot of sense, and the more information you have, the better off you will be.

 

 

Don't allow her to turn this into " well you didn't do x, y or z, and that's why I cheated. Therefore, in effect, it;s your fault". You are not responsible for her behvaior and choices. Only she is.

[Chaparral]

Ask your lawyer to subpoena her texts, emails and phone records. I believe NC has pretty good laws when infidelity is involved in divorce. You need to find out if he has visited your state. Does he have family where you live? Where does her reconnected girl friend live?

[attheend]

You admit that you haven't been there emotionally for you wife. That does not justify her seeking comfort else where but it does explain it.

 

Personally with a little effort I think you can repair this as long as she unfriends him & comes clean but if you are going straight to lawyer then there is no hope.

 

Thanks for replying D0nnivain, I have plenty of blame in the falling apart of our marriage.

 

We have gone through some pretty tough times where I wasn't the most respectful person to her.

 

I have always remained faithful and I have attempted to reconcile that time by being a better husband to her, but I believe the damage was already done.

 

I have never lied to her and never initiated or participated in any extramarital activity.

[attheend]

Welcome to LS.....

 

 

Something that member mentioned often was 'foundation'. Do you believe your marriage has a solid foundation? You've been married a long time. Were you and your spouse solid and united and bonded for much of it or has their been disconnect and rancor and doubt all along?

 

If your wife is in her 40's, IME women get pretty horny and self-actualized then, feeling their oats, especially in a long M. As one MW recently shared with me, after 30 years it's not the same. I was talking about my surprise that she and H weren't more affectionate on an everyday basis. I'd only been married ten years and always felt that way towards my ex before the M went south at that point. Never got old. Kissing, holding hands, caressing her, PDA's. etc. IDK.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing and perhaps the serving a divorce lawsuit on her will shock her into reality. Around here, men file for divorce rarely and it's usually when they're super pissed off about something important. Infidelity would be one of those things. Good luck!

 

My wife is just turning 60 and I am turning 51. I am afraid that our foundation has been gone for about 10 years. I have not filed, but we separated our joint account today.

 

We have had intimacy problems for quite a while.

[attheend]

op,

if you don't mind a piece of advice, it's to take your time in making any decisions. Meeting with a lawyer to discuss the situation and your options makes a lot of sense, and the more information you have, the better off you will be.

 

 

Don't allow her to turn this into " well you didn't do x, y or z, and that's why I cheated. Therefore, in effect, it;s your fault". You are not responsible for her behvaior and choices. Only she is.

 

Thanks for the advice pepperbird.

[d0nnivain]

My wife is just turning 60 and I am turning 51. I am afraid that our foundation has been gone for about 10 years. I have not filed, but we separated our joint account today.

 

We have had intimacy problems for quite a while.

 

Do you have any meaningful interest in working with a therapist trying to fix this, to get the spark back or are you just done?

[attheend]

Do you have any meaningful interest in working with a therapist trying to fix this, to get the spark back or are you just done?

 

I thought we had - The last two weeks I was committed - until I found that she was lying to my face repeatedly

 

I feel like at 50, I don't have much time to lose. I'm not sure I could ever find her trustworthy again.

 

One of my main issues is that I'm not very good at letting things sit... I feel like confronting her, but it just becomes a blame session. But we are living in the same house. I still feel extremely jealous every time I hear her text ring.

 

I already tipped my hand on planning on filing for divorce, I'm not sure if I can go back on it now.

[carhill]

Yeah, best way IMO to do the D thing is to do it. Lead with action. Service is the first notice. Can't un-ring that bell though, once you've mentioned the D word she'll never forget that, even after you're in your grave. If you don't do anything, it's highly likely she'll file on you. All respect, presuming there is any now, will be gone.

 

If you don't feel there's a foundation of love, trust and compatibility to recover, OK, accept it and move on. Mediation or MC might save you some bucks on lawyer fees if you/her are prone to blowups/revenge, etc. If little/no rancor, file and next.

[NotCamelot]

First.... I am sorry that you are going through this. It is one of the worst things that can happen to a person.

 

 

Second.....you have come to a good place. Most of us have been or are going through the same or similar thing. There is a LOT of advise here......some good, some bad. Use what works for YOU.

 

 

Now, as stated above if her AP is married, tell his wife immediately. There are many reasons to do this. The first thing it will do is burst the "bubble" they are in. His wife will probably reign down terror upon him - if she cares. The affair usually stops at that point when the AP is exposed to their spouse. And, besides, why shouldn't he feel hurt and pain like you do???

 

 

But, most importantly, his spouse needs to know the truth the same as you do.....for her own protection.

 

 

 

Facebook -- same story, different day. Your story is pretty much the same as what happened to me. The only difference is you had 1 more year into the relationship than I did at the time. TOTAL TRANSPARENCY -- If you do decide to stay together, you both get all usernames and passwords to everything.

 

 

Do not do anything without thinking things out clearly. Do not make any financial moves without the consult of an attorney.....you could harm yourself from a legal standpoint.

 

 

In the meantime, take care of yourself physically. Many of us fail to do that......lose lots of weight, get sick, etc. Eat well, exercise, and continue your daily routine.

 

 

I wish you the best. Good luck, you are gonna need a lot of it. AND counseling.

[elaine567]

inform her other mans wife immediately. That's always the first and best step.

 

tell his wife immediately. There are many reasons to do this. The first thing it will do is burst the "bubble" they are in. His wife will probably reign down terror upon him - if she cares. The affair usually stops at that point when the ap is exposed to their spouse. And, besides, why shouldn't he feel hurt and pain like you do???.

 

 

BUT from the very first post

..........

the other man is an old high school boyfriend (not married) that lives in mass... We are in nc.

[aliveagain]

First decide what it is that you want, marriages in much more trouble then yours have survived infidelity but both in the marriage were committed to doing the work necessary to fix the damage. Lying to you after you both agreed to reconcile is a huge step backwards. Trying to reconcile with a spouse that's still deep in her affair is impossible. Keep your appointment with your lawyer because your wife knows what she is doing is wrong or she wouldn't be hiding or lying to you about it.

 

Distance means nothing when it comes to infidelity, it's only a matter of time before an emotional affair becomes physical regardless of the distance. Just read some of the threads on here and you will find that people even thousands of miles apart will find ways to meet. Guys don't stick around for compliments, they want sex. Like they say, you've got to be willing to loose the relationship in order to save it. You can't nice them back. Decide what's best for you and act on it. Sharing your wife with another man is the worst position to be in, take yourself out of that situation with or without her. Read up on the "180" and implement it.

[Marc878]

I thought we had - The last two weeks I was committed - until I found that she was lying to my face repeatedly

 

I feel like at 50, I don't have much time to lose. I'm not sure I could ever find her trustworthy again.

 

One of my main issues is that I'm not very good at letting things sit... I feel like confronting her, but it just becomes a blame session. But we are living in the same house. I still feel extremely jealous every time I hear her text ring.

 

I already tipped my hand on planning on filing for divorce, I'm not sure if I can go back on it now.

 

It takes @ 2-5 years to R. With no guarantees. At 50 is it worth it?

[attheend]

Hi All,

 

I want to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my thread. It has helped a lot.

 

I have initiated separation action, no divorce in NC for a year.

 

I think I need to go dark as the WW may be watching.

[Jamess1]

Your disposition is the best - seriously consider divorce. I am sure she has already cheated with guy physically. She is clearly into him -even after you claimed 'we decided we are still in love' she never changed her communication patterns with him - actually at his moment she is cheating on him with you.

 

A womans behavior and attitude is the real message - not her words- your wife is asking you for a divorce. She checked-out of the marriage long time ago, it's just more comfortable, less hustle to stay with you while she cheats..

 

Go ahead and divorce her- if she still wants you she will behave accordingly- she will agree to every demand, accept breaking up with the other guy on load speaker, accept not using her phone, or even letting you put a tracker in her car-it's either she still desires you or not..

 

Divorce her, I am sure she also wants the same : for some reason women don't to take the action or the explicit blame for filing divorce : obey your gut feeling, it's telling all this now a lie...

[Marc878]

Life is very short. Move full speed ahead

[Chaparral]

BUT from the very first post

..........

 

He knows she’s married. That means he knows he is trying to score on a married woman. Lying is obviously in his range. His wife is already a proven liar and probably the one that told OP her boyfriend was divorced. As always everything that comes out of a cheaters mouth has to be independently verified. If he is married is still up for debate.

[WilyWill]

OM is in Massachusetts. OP & his wife are in North Carolina. Since he didn't find plane tickets or hotel receipts, I think this was an EA only

 

Isn't it possible that OM flies to NC and/or pays for the hotel?