It's been a long time since I found out, still hurts.

[hurtbyher99]

Ill break it down for you all so I dont ramble.

 

Married almost 20 years, this is my 2nd marriage.

 

My first, well didn't go so well.

 

Married at 18, both of us. I was in the military. She cheated and so did I, a lot.

 

We divorced.

 

Meet a sweet girl - I was in my early 20's and still in the military and she was 18. We meet and got married a few days later.......stupid I know.

 

Well, I was not a great husband. Mind you I was never violent or abusive. A beer on the weekend or if we went to eat somewhere. But, I was an ass to her, treated her like I was god's gift to her. Figured heres a woman that will never cheat on me cause im so amazing. .....I know young and stupid.

 

She was very sheltered never had a job - never got her driver license - About 11 years ago she wanted to work since my work was not cutting it alone. So, I bought her a little scooter, one you dont need a license for in most places. Turns out she meet a guy, she says it was a one time thing. Of course I have no idea. Mind you I did find any of this out until later. We will get there!

 

Some time passed and we where happy, or well I thought we where. Sex was amazing! I mean epic! Come to find out all this new stuff she learned she said was from advice from her girlfriends......probably not.

 

Skip ahead to 5 years, I lost my job just after the recession in 2010. She was spending time with a girlfriend a a lot. She was working and so was I to make up for my lost income. We moved away for 2 years and came back and things where rough. She goes to her old girlfriends house and says shes going to hang out for the evening.....well she was banging her gf's brother all night......at this time i was oblivious still.

 

About 3 months goes by and she starts getting rides home from a guy....and she was shaving her privates, something she never done. So one night, she left her phone out......I went through it ......and discovered a 3 month long affair.......She broke down told me about the other guys all in one go. I even pretended to be her and contacted her girlfriend and got even more details. Her GF claims my wife slept with 1 other guy and my wife denies this one guy......at this point im just angry. Her affair partner shows up to my house at 2am asking for her to leave with him.......I put a gun to his head and he left and i made her get a restraining order. Those next few months where rough, very rough. She swore she told me everything, every detail. I went though all her social media found accounts went through them - her phone - everything.

 

To this day I still go through all her accounts - I have key logger on her computer - I have gps tracking and cameras installed in the car and on her phone. I randomly show up home and at her work. I randomly call her and talk to her. I also have cameras at our home too.

 

She deleted all of her social media and I made her new accounts and I have all the passwords. What gets me though her blocked list in Facebook, its hard to look at wonder how many of the guys shes blocked shes ****ed or not - not counting the ones I for sure know about.

 

I have had her followed by friends just to double check, and shes been faithful for the past almost 7 years so far as i can tell.

 

Judge me all you like - we have children and Ill not have them grow up in a divorced home.

 

We went to therapy and we had individual and couples sessions. I put a recorder in my jacket so i could hear what she told the therapist, to see if she would say something she didnt tell me. She revealed no new information.

 

This changed me as a man, once an egotistical and confident person - I have become depressed and anxiety fills my soul. Im emotional and needy. I was once what most would call and Alpha male, now im a shell of the man i once was, far too sensitive.

 

About 3 weeks ago we spent an evening talking about everything. She said, she still beats herself up over everything and says her gf filled her mind with cheating cause she was a cheater and encouraged the behavior. She exclaimed that she was not making excuses that she knows she had a choice and she made the wrong one and there is no one to blame but herself.

 

I went so far as to back in the early days of discovery to even contact the guys and pretend to be female to get pics of their dicks, needless to say I have nothing to worry about in that department although knowing she slept with guys that have much smaller penises and 1 of them a micro-penis and she did it repeatedly.....gives me pause. My biggest complaint is that because i am well endowed she gave them things she doesnt give me such as oral to completion and anal sex, which she swears she didnt but her gf swears she told her she let them all get anal because they where small enough to not hurt.

 

I dont force the issue cause honestly i dont really care but its the principle, you know?

 

So, I say all of that to give you a picture of my life.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts. Also note, I did cheat on her too but only after I found out about her cheating and I told her about it right after and that was a big fight there too........but i felt I needed the revenge and it didnt help at all. She spent whole nights with men ****ing them over and over. Mine where 20 min meetups at a motel.

 

Still i know 2 wrongs dont make a right.

 

My question is ......is this my life as long as i am married to her.....constant thoughts of who is she ****ing and tracking her and not trusting......can this ever get better, can i ever be ok?

 

Im older now and i am happy about 98% of the time but......i have my moments where i sit and i listen to music and just cry like there is no tomorrow and my heart breaks knowing i was so stupid and naive and gullible.

 

Any advice? Or, thoughts?

Edited November 6, 2018 by hurtbyher99

[Lotus_Luna]

Ill break it down for you all so I dont ramble.

 

Married almost 20 years, this is my 2nd marriage.

 

My first, well didn't go so well.

 

Married at 18, both of us. I was in the military. She cheated and so did I, a lot.

 

We divorced.

 

Meet a sweet girl - I was in my early 20's and still in the military and she was 18. We meet and got married a few days later.......stupid I know.

 

Well, I was not a great husband. Mind you I was never violent or abusive. A beer on the weekend or if we went to eat somewhere. But, I was an ass to her, treated her like I was god's gift to her. Figured heres a woman that will never cheat on me cause im so amazing. .....I know young and stupid.

 

She was very sheltered never had a job - never got her driver license - About 11 years ago she wanted to work since my work was not cutting it alone. So, I bought her a little scooter, one you dont need a license for in most places. Turns out she meet a guy, she says it was a one time thing. Of course I have no idea. Mind you I did find any of this out until later. We will get there!

 

Some time passed and we where happy, or well I thought we where. Sex was amazing! I mean epic! Come to find out all this new stuff she learned she said was from advice from her girlfriends......probably not.

 

Skip ahead to 5 years, I lost my job just after the recession in 2010. She was spending time with a girlfriend a a lot. She was working and so was I to make up for my lost income. We moved away for 2 years and came back and things where rough. She goes to her old girlfriends house and says shes going to hang out for the evening.....well she was banging her gf's brother all night......at this time i was oblivious still.

 

About 3 months goes by and she starts getting rides home from a guy....and she was shaving her privates, something she never done. So one night, she left her phone out......I went through it ......and discovered a 3 month long affair.......She broke down told me about the other guys all in one go. I even pretended to be her and contacted her girlfriend and got even more details. Her GF claims my wife slept with 1 other guy and my wife denies this one guy......at this point im just angry. Her affair partner shows up to my house at 2am asking for her to leave with him.......I put a gun to his head and he left and i made her get a restraining order. Those next few months where rough, very rough. She swore she told me everything, every detail. I went though all her social media found accounts went through them - her phone - everything.

 

To this day I still go through all her accounts - I have key logger on her computer - I have gps tracking and cameras installed in the car and on her phone. I randomly show up home and at her work. I randomly call her and talk to her. I also have cameras at our home too.

 

She deleted all of her social media and I made her new accounts and I have all the passwords. What gets me though her blocked list in Facebook, its hard to look at wonder how many of the guys shes blocked shes ****ed or not - not counting the ones I for sure know about.

 

I have had her followed by friends just to double check, and shes been faithful for the past almost 7 years so far as i can tell.

 

Judge me all you like - we have children and Ill not have them grow up in a divorced home.

 

We went to therapy and we had individual and couples sessions. I put a recorder in my jacket so i could hear what she told the therapist, to see if she would say something she didnt tell me. She revealed no new information.

 

This changed me as a man, once an egotistical and confident person - I have become depressed and anxiety fills my soul. Im emotional and needy. I was once what most would call and Alpha male, now im a shell of the man i once was, far too sensitive.

 

About 3 weeks ago we spent an evening talking about everything. She said, she still beats herself up over everything and says her gf filled her mind with cheating cause she was a cheater and encouraged the behavior. She exclaimed that she was not making excuses that she knows she had a choice and she made the wrong one and there is no one to blame but herself.

 

I went so far as to back in the early days of discovery to even contact the guys and pretend to be female to get pics of their dicks, needless to say I have nothing to worry about in that department although knowing she slept with guys that have much smaller penises and 1 of them a micro-penis and she did it repeatedly.....gives me pause. My biggest complaint is that because i am well endowed she gave them things she doesnt give me such as oral to completion and anal sex, which she swears she didnt but her gf swears she told her she let them all get anal because they where small enough to not hurt.

 

I dont force the issue cause honestly i dont really care but its the principle, you know?

 

So, I say all of that to give you a picture of my life.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts. Also note, I did cheat on her too but only after I found out about her cheating and I told her about it right after and that was a big fight there too........but i felt I needed the revenge and it didnt help at all. She spent whole nights with men ****ing them over and over. Mine where 20 min meetups at a motel.

 

Still i know 2 wrongs dont make a right.

 

My question is ......is this my life as long as i am married to her.....constant thoughts of who is she ****ing and tracking her and not trusting......can this ever get better, can i ever be ok?

 

Im older now and i am happy about 98% of the time but......i have my moments where i sit and i listen to music and just cry like there is no tomorrow and my heart breaks knowing i was so stupid and naive and gullible.

 

Any advice? Or, thoughts?

 

Work on your issues. She made a mistake but you sound like a control freak. Stalking and controlling her isn’t ever going to satisfy the pain you’re feeling. Moving forward would mean forgiveness and rebuilding trust with transparency. Instead you’ve created a cage.

 

Like why would you even do this? So you can keep her from leaving? Clearly she’s been faithful, but what if she hasn’t? Are you going to force her to stay? Who wants to be married to someone you’ve forced into staying?

 

You need help.

 

FYI, my husband is just like you. His answer was to remove my life and force me to love him. It didn’t work.

 

She’s obviously tried to move on. You should do the same.

[Arris]

You've been through a lot, tell me, has it been worth it? I mean the relationship side. Obviously you've been hurt, but how has your wife been?

 

 

You definitely sound like you have trust issues still. How are you trying to resolve that? Has your wife asked for forgiveness?

 

 

How can anyone be sure when someone asks for forgiveness that they mean it and made the changes necessary to be trusted again?

 

 

You sound confident she has not had anymore flings or affairs, so when is it time to let go of your fears?

 

 

When you hit those 2% times, would it be a good idea to open up to her about it? With the goal that over time, it happens less and less as you work through it? Remember, you should be able to look back and feel you made the right choice to gut through everything. So when you feel an episode coming on, maybe call her and tell her something good.

 

 

Two wrongs do not make a right. You only betray your own self worth. You learned it did not change the fact of what she did, and maybe even learned you feel guilty yourself on top of that.

 

 

You do not need to feel judged, everyone is different. Only you know what matters most to you and you're the one that has to bear the choices you make. However, those are your choices, not your wifes. you cannot hold anything over her. You must move forward together with a clean slate. Which I'm sure is part of what you're working on in therapy. Moving forward.

[hurtbyher99]

You've been through a lot, tell me, has it been worth it? I mean the relationship side. Obviously you've been hurt, but how has your wife been?

 

 

You definitely sound like you have trust issues still. How are you trying to resolve that? Has your wife asked for forgiveness?

 

 

How can anyone be sure when someone asks for forgiveness that they mean it and made the changes necessary to be trusted again?

 

 

You sound confident she has not had anymore flings or affairs, so when is it time to let go of your fears?

 

 

When you hit those 2% times, would it be a good idea to open up to her about it? With the goal that over time, it happens less and less as you work through it? Remember, you should be able to look back and feel you made the right choice to gut through everything. So when you feel an episode coming on, maybe call her and tell her something good.

 

 

Two wrongs do not make a right. You only betray your own self worth. You learned it did not change the fact of what she did, and maybe even learned you feel guilty yourself on top of that.

 

 

You do not need to feel judged, everyone is different. Only you know what matters most to you and you're the one that has to bear the choices you make. However, those are your choices, not your wifes. you cannot hold anything over her. You must move forward together with a clean slate. Which I'm sure is part of what you're working on in therapy. Moving forward.

 

I have not been to therapy in years now but re-reading all that makes me sound like a real lunatic. So I went and spoke to a therapist for the first time this morning. I have decided Im going to take off the cameras from the car - leave the accident camera and set it to active on motion or alarm so its not recording 24/7, also gave her the passwords to all the monitory stuff so she can delete stuff if she wants. But I told her of course that would look fishy. All the monitoring is a two way street, she watches me too. But, we talked about it and we both are ok with having a little more freedom. She wrote me a letter and never showed me it.....lastnight she showed it to me......and it answered and detailed everything......i was like why didnt you show me this until now. She just said it felt like the right time, felt like you could handle it. Meant alot to me for her to do that for me.

 

Do I believe she is truly done cheating? Yeah, I really do.

 

We been through a lot, mroe than most couples could stand.

 

Shes still here, still beside me........what more can i ask?

 

That letter last night she showed me......it changed everything.

 

She said "Ill never forgive myself so I dont expect you too, but it took me almost losing everything to realize just how good you are of a man. What man would stay with a woman like me. Why would you love me even 1 tiny bit? I don't understand and I'll spend my life proving to you I am worth a second chance."

 

Of course I sit here and I think well she's just gotten better at covering her tracks and the moment I let up she will cheat on me, but after reading her letter.........I can;t help but think, ok maybe she means it. But then again, what happens if 20 years from now something slips and i find out she didnt mean any of it and it was just a way to manipulate the situation. She so successfully deceived me I had no clue not even one hint of something was going on.

 

.....I guess......thats the chance I have to take.

 

Has it been worth it ?

 

The past 3 years have been really good.

 

I guess, Ill just have to wait and see.

 

Shes been supportive through it all, always willing to talk with me when i am down and cry over it all with me and always apologies when im going through a spell of depression. Shes done everything she suppose to.

Edited November 7, 2018 by hurtbyher99

[Arris]

That sounds encouraging. I hope things are going good with the kids as well.

 

 

People do change, and once they do things can improve better than they ever were.

[hurtbyher99]

We are coming up on Jan - March --- these are the months she had her last affair.......i know she slept with him on valentines day and,......is it wrong i dont want to buy her anything?

[Arris]

I wouldn't say wrong, but, you need to reclaim things. Don't let these things dictate your future so much. Try making it the best Valentines ever instead, surprise her and see how it goes. This is 'your' time with her now, make it count. Don't compete with the memories though, be yourself and make it your own again. Look at it as a fresh start, don't carry any expectations, just be content with making it a special day in your own way.

[Lotus_Luna]

We are coming up on Jan - March --- these are the months she had her last affair.......i know she slept with him on valentines day and,......is it wrong i dont want to buy her anything?

 

Depends if you want every Valentine’s Day to be about him or you two.

 

Stop allowing the past to control your future. You’re holding on to this pain.

 

 

Go away for the weekend, make some good memories and reclaim your life!

[Gretchen12]

Your post is both sad and hopeful. I am glad to hear you stayed together. But now you need to stop living in the past. You need to forgive yourselves and forgive each other. I think you really can leave it all in the past and make a new start, if you both want that. As with all difficult things we do in life: we are our own worst enemy.

[hurtbyher99]

You are right I need to reclaim these triggers and turn them into something positive

[Malin889]

Does anyone else find this post disturbing? I think you should call it quits, move on, and be alone for awhile. You had no right to record her. I think that is very controlling. Maybe she's afraid of you and your controlling actions. She was seeking refuge by being with someone else. Let her go.

[Lotus_Luna]

Does anyone else find this post disturbing? I think you should call it quits, move on, and be alone for awhile. You had no right to record her. I think that is very controlling. Maybe she's afraid of you and your controlling actions. She was seeking refuge by being with someone else. Let her go.

 

Very much so.

 

This is what my husband did after I came clean in regards to my emotional affair. His emotional abuse and neglect is what drove me away. Instead of working on it he decided to control me.

 

He control was terrorizing. When I stood up to his abuse and called for protection his response was to take away my phone, keep me from contacting the outside, to save our marriage.

[Malin889]

Very much so.

 

This is what my husband did after I came clean in regards to my emotional affair. His emotional abuse and neglect is what drove me away. Instead of working on it he decided to control me.

 

He control was terrorizing. When I stood up to his abuse and called for protection his response was to take away my phone, keep me from contacting the outside, to save our marriage.

 

Luna, I read your post and you need to get out now. NO ONE, even a spouse, is allowed to control anyone else.

[Stomper]

Oh here we go.

So the woman cheats on her husband, repeatedly and with multiple dirtbags,

and that's somehow HIS fault for being "controlling"???

(and by "controlling" you mean "insisting she stop screwing anything with a penis")

 

End of the day, your wife was a whore, and you should have divorced her. The problem is that the sense of entitlement that drives somebody to do that, never really goes away. Resorting to having an affair yourself was equally wrong, and equally inexcusable.

 

You say its been a long time now?

So you need to evaluate your marriage as it stands now.

You can't go on living in fear and suspicion.

Whilst there will always be some level of lingering doubts and uncertainty, ultimately do you trust her now as you did before. Not should you, but do you?

To me it sounds like you think you should, but you still don't. Maybe counselling could help, but if not then you need to divorce her. Living with that level of fear and suspicion is not healthy for any of you, especially not your kids. Keep in mind, that ALL your kids are seeing is a marriage in which you are controlling and suspicious, and your wife is accepting that. Is that how you want your kids to view marriage?