I want to sleep with my husband's friend

[thisisabadidea]

Actually it's a lot more complicated than that.

 

Married 16 years, happily. I've always known I was less monogamous than he is. He's a one-woman kind of guy, definitely straight. I'm pansexual and happy to be with one person, but would love the freedom to roam on occasion. I've been perfectly happy NOT to roam at all and in fact haven't even found anyone that tweaked my interest enough to want to seriously consider it until now.

 

And it's a newer friend of my husband's who seems to be turning into a best friend and is basically his only local friend right now. OF COURSE.

 

My attraction is purely physical. I think if I could get it out of my system one time I'd be good.

 

But my husband's ego about this stuff is so delicate. If I were to ask him I think he'd be incredibly hurt and jealous and basically destroyed.

 

I'd be fine just letting sleeping dogs lie and all, but I can't get this guy out of my head. For 6 months I've been dealing with this. It's worse every time I see him. I'm having to make excuses why I can't go do things with them when normally I would because I can't stand to be around him. I'm way too distracted for days afterward.

 

What on earth am I supposed to do with this? Is there any solution other than 'suck it up, buttercup'? Because so far that's all I got. I've been trying it for 6 months and it hasn't solved a single thing.

[Orokotikki]

Either go to counseling to recognize this hurtful fantasy for what it is - so that you may discard it - and work towards a more fulfilling marriage for yourself and your husband, or give your husband the gift of a divorce.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

I remember in year's past one MW used me as a fluffer. IOW her husband, whom I knew, got the sexual benefit of our tension. I didn't mind.

 

Is you H adventurous in bed? Into role playing and fantasy and stuff like that? Try some stuff and see how it works out. How's your sex life? I noted happily married but that can mean a lot of things.

 

The MW in my story was also happily married, from my perspective anyway. Never complained about H, always upbeat and positive. Interested in a little extra.

[BaileyB]

My attraction is purely physical. I think if I could get it out of my system one time I'd be good.

 

But my husband's ego about this stuff is so delicate. If I were to ask him I think he'd be incredibly hurt and jealous and basically destroyed..

 

Is it worth the cost of your marriage? That is the question you have to ask yourself.

 

If you wanted to “roam,” then perhaps the better decision would have been to stay single or pick a partner who didn’t believe in monogamy.

[central]

It would probably ruin your marriage. If you really want it, then work around to it by seeing if you husband would want to try swinging with other couples. If not, then best to drop the idea. If swinging goes well, eventually you may be able to agree to play with others separately, or have some threesomes. Let him go first with playing alone or for a threesome, and get used to it. Then - maybe - he will be okay with the idea of you and his friend, once the background is prepared. However, even for many swingers who play separately, friends are off-limits, as it's costly to drop a friendship if things go wrong, versus someone you hardly know. By then, you may be over the desire for his friend, anyway.

[carhill]

Cosigning the other suggestions to avoid this for the health of your M I wanted to address this part....

 

My attraction is purely physical. I think if I could get it out of my system one time I'd be good.

 

Be really, really sure about the purely physical part. One way to verify that as likely is to reflect on your sexual history. If you've had many casual sex partners and/or ONS, more likely for purely physical to work for you. If casual sex hasn't been a significant part of your life, watch out.

 

Have you found yourself attracted sexually to H's other friends in the past?

[bathtub-row]

You know, it’s not entirely about your husband’s ego. It also has to do with lifetime commitment and knowing you’re trustworthy. I get it about strong attractions but this really is a matter of just sucking it up because otherwise it will crush your husband and ruin the good thing that you have.

 

I know it seems like a bunch of made-up rules but there’s a reason for those rules. It just doesn’t work with us (humans) sleeping with others when we have a significant other.

[elaine567]

This has capital D for disaster written all over it.

Monogamous "one-woman" husband of 16 years, very unlikely to agree to OP opening up the marriage.

Object of desire is the only close-by friend of said husband.

Object of desire doesn't even know about OPs passion for him and

A) may not be interested in the OP

and/or

B) may not want to have anything to do with extra marital shenanigans

and/or

C) may tell the husband of his wife's intentions as soon as he finds out.

 

OR the friend may accept the OP's offer.. I then doubt it will be a "one and done" and we all know how affairs usually end...

 

If the OP is sure she can persuade or force her husband to let her try this, then she will be putting her husband into a very bad place, IMO.

Naturally monogamous people are very unhappy in open arrangements, they are just not built that way.

[Logo]

Maybe the 1960s generation is more open to swinging and open relationships, but I can't wrap my head around the idea that a person can't control his or her desires to the point that they are toying with the idea of having sex with a partner's friend, no less, knowing full well that it could ruin a perfectly good marriage.

 

Honestly, I find this disturbing:

 

"But my husband's ego about this stuff is so delicate. If I were to ask him I think he'd be incredibly hurt and jealous and basically destroyed."

 

His ego is delicate? I think his ego is perfectly normal. The vast majority of men wouldn't want -- let alone find out -- that their wives who claim to respect them and love them to sleep with their best friend.

 

But, that's just my opinion. I'm not judging, just sharing my thoughts. You do what you have to do. How that ends up affecting your marriage is up to you.

 

Have you thought about spicing up your sex life with your husband? Maybe something is missing.

 

I have been in relationships and looked at other women and though, "She's a knockout." But then I thought about the bond and love I have with my significant other and was grateful to have that relationship, not the momentary carnal pleasure.

 

Is it possible you're taking your husband for granted? Just a thought.

[WomenWubber]

Have you ever talked with your husband about your polysexual nature? What are his feelings on it, if so?

[elaine567]

Have you thought about spicing up your sex life with your husband? Maybe something is missing.

 

 

What is missing here is another man or woman, I guess.

It is one reason why non-monogamous types should never mess with monogamous types.

They tend to bask in the certainty and security of living in monogamy for a while... that is until they want to blow it all up, as monogamy was never ever really their thing in the first place...

[Beachead]

Actually it's a lot more complicated than that.

 

Married 16 years, happily. I've always known I was less monogamous than he is. He's a one-woman kind of guy, definitely straight. I'm pansexual and happy to be with one person, but would love the freedom to roam on occasion. I've been perfectly happy NOT to roam at all and in fact haven't even found anyone that tweaked my interest enough to want to seriously consider it until now.

 

And it's a newer friend of my husband's who seems to be turning into a best friend and is basically his only local friend right now. OF COURSE.

 

My attraction is purely physical. I think if I could get it out of my system one time I'd be good.

 

But my husband's ego about this stuff is so delicate. If I were to ask him I think he'd be incredibly hurt and jealous and basically destroyed.

 

I'd be fine just letting sleeping dogs lie and all, but I can't get this guy out of my head. For 6 months I've been dealing with this. It's worse every time I see him. I'm having to make excuses why I can't go do things with them when normally I would because I can't stand to be around him. I'm way too distracted for days afterward.

 

What on earth am I supposed to do with this? Is there any solution other than 'suck it up, buttercup'? Because so far that's all I got. I've been trying it for 6 months and it hasn't solved a single thing.

 

It'd be a good starting point to to think about the repercussions in grave detail as well.

 

Are you cool with permanently damaging a person you care for, just to satisfy a few months of lust with someone you don't? You cool with seeing him writhing in pain but trying to hold it together in front of you? You cool to wear that guilt around your neck for the rest of your life? And are you okay with losing him?

 

Because what's going to happen here is after you have your fun and get it all out of your system, you're going to come back to earth and realize there's nothing for you beyond the physical and you're going to long for the things that you took for granted in your marriage...only there's no going back to that marriage. It's gone forever..and you'll have to live with that.

 

I'd also do some serious introspection into who you truly are. What do you require from a relationship? Are you happy with him? Do you respect him? Can you ever be okay with monogamy? etc.

 

- Beach

[mmac90]

Is your craving stronger r worth more than the love you aand your husband have cultivated over a 16 year span? i mean if it is okay go for it. But know the man you love. The man whose cherished you and been faithful to you and who swore his life to you, know that you'll destroy him and most likely yourself in the process bc the chance of you and OM having what you have now is slim to none.

 

Get counseling and realize this is a fantasy. We ALL have them but I promise more often than not when they are of this nature and become reality, that fantasy becomes a nightmare.

[loversquarrel]

I get the feeling you aren't the respectful type toward your husband by characterizing an otherwise normal monogamous attitude as a fragile ego.

 

You should consider two things that can happen, divorce and/or the possibility of him revenge cheating and how that might make your "ego" feel. I ended up doing both to my ex after she made the decision to mess with my "fragile ego". By the time all was said and done I ended up married to a woman she knew to be much more attractive than she was. Oh how she discovered just how fragile her ego had been all along.

 

But I'm not you or your husband, maybe he is the cuckold type.

[BaileyB]

His ego is delicate? I think his ego is perfectly normal. The vast majority of men wouldn't want -- let alone find out -- that their wives who claim to respect them and love them to sleep with their best friend.

 

His ego is perfectly normal.

 

I can't wrap my head around the idea that a person can't control his or her desires to the point that they are toying with the idea of having sex with a partner's friend, no less, knowing full well that it could ruin a perfectly good marriage.

 

It’s otherwise known as “self control.”

 

Mature adults have developed the ability to consider a decision, predict the consequences of that decision, and then make the appropriate decision. For her husband’s sake, let’s hope that’s what happens here...

Edited November 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[thisisabadidea]

Thanks for all the feedback. I didn't mean to post and run. I just hadn't been in my office for a while.

 

I love and respect my husband, which is why I haven't brought this up to him. I would NEVER cheat on him or be at all unfaithful or inappropriate with anyone else. That would never, ever happen. I knew what it meant when I married him. I knew he was more monogamous than I was. I didn't go into this blindly. It just hasn't been a problem until NOW. I thought ignoring it would make it go away, but that is not working, hence my post. I was hoping for some tips or something to either banish this from my mind forever or a BTDT story from someone who was able to approach their partner about it and have a discussion without the hurt feelings, jealousy and defensiveness getting in the way. I was not looking for the OK to cheat or anything like that. Cheating isn't even on the radar, much less the itinerary.

 

Our sex life is actually great and quite active. We have been spicing things up a little because I have been a bit bored lately. Bacon cheeseburgers are my favorite, but maybe not every night.

 

We've discussed the fact that I am able, fairly easily, to separate sex and emotion, while he finds it almost impossible. We communicate well and are quite close. The reason I've never brought this issue of mine up with him despite our closeness is because of it, actually. I won't do that to him. I'm really good at saying the right things in the wrong way and causing conversations to go sideways. I love and respect him and our marriage too much to damage either so I've kept quiet the entire time this has been racing around my head like a weasel in heat.

 

You guys have given me plenty to think about. I'll check back in again. Thanks for the input. I mean that.

[stillafool]

You probably should have stayed single. Why do you think your husband's friend would want to have sex with you?

[carhill]

Thanks for the response OP.

 

If you discuss your fantasies with your H, while accepting his response as authentic is part of your commitment to him, any actions after would be with disclosure. He's free to make any choices he wants, as are you. Marriage is simply the business arrangement. The relationship is what you and he decide.

 

If you have disparate views on monogamy and without room for compromise, then that presents a pickle. One aspect to consider and perhaps discuss is how you/he view monogamy, the details, if not already done.

 

Since you didn't answer my question about your past sexual history with casual sex I fear I cannot assist further. I have a lot of experience with MW and these issues and marriages are so unique it's difficult to help with a bare minimum of information.

 

What I have so far is you want to have casual sex, apparently one time only, with your husband's friend to get it out of your system. You love your husband and would never cheat on him, you say. Your husband apparently has a stricter view of monogamy than yourself. The thoughts of this action distract you occasionally. You'd like to resolve that. Anything else?

[Orokotikki]

The whole "fact that I am able, fairly easily, to separate sex and emotion" is something I am not buying, it comes across as justification for feeling entitled to extramarital sex.

 

Even if your husband were to agree to this, it will eat away at him and he will have done so out of fear, it will destroy how sees and build resentment in him.

 

Since just not doing it isn't 'working' for you, I suggest again my original reply - address this craving in IC or end your M.

[thisisabadidea]

Since you didn't answer my question about your past sexual history with casual sex I fear I cannot assist further. I have a lot of experience with MW and these issues and marriages are so unique it's difficult to help with a bare minimum of information.

 

What I have so far is you want to have casual sex, apparently one time only, with your husband's friend to get it out of your system. You love your husband and would never cheat on him, you say. Your husband apparently has a stricter view of monogamy than yourself. The thoughts of this action distract you occasionally. You'd like to resolve that. Anything else?

 

Sorry, I tried to answer all the questions in my reply, but it was hard to keep track of them all. Yes, I have a history with casual sex. It was basically how I spent my 20's save a few years when I was in a committed relationship.

 

And yeah, you summed it up fairly well. That's about the gist of things.

[Marc878]

Read up what an affair brings

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Arris]

The whole "fact that I am able, fairly easily, to separate sex and emotion" is something I am not buying, it comes across as justification for feeling entitled to extramarital sex.

 

 

 

I agree, sounds like the excuses are piling up. Just like saying he is 'more' monogamous than I am. Isn't that one of those things where you either are or are not, there's no in between?

 

 

Sometimes the best thing to do is shine a light on the situation. Don't assume your husband will be hurt. I promise, he will be more hurt and betrayed if something happens, and it sounds like a 'right place at the wrong time' kind of deal.

You will also be taking his only friend from him he has right now.

 

It could impact his trust for a bit, but if you think about it, you were honest so his trust may go right back up.

 

 

Another thing to try is, stop having sex with your husband for a while, or have it less often. Maybe you'll crave him a bit more.

 

 

Also, how would you feel if he came up to you and either said he felt that way about your friend, or that something did happen with your friend?

 

 

 

Another way to look at it, what if you go through with it and the sex was terrible? What if you catch a disease? What if the sex was the best you ever had, is it one and done still? Let me also point out, telling yourself it's just one time is another excuse to justify your actions. Whether you do it once or a hundred times, it was calculated and just as wrong.

 

 

Another way to look at it, have you ever seen a really nice item you wanted, but couldn't afford? how do you clear that out of your head? The cost was too high.

Sometimes, we become obsessed with things we can't have. At first it seems harmless, but as you discovered, it flares up out of control. Start eliminating your own excuses, see things for how they really are. Make sure you're not only acting out because something is missing in your marriage. If there is, then work on it, unless it's another guy.

Maintain your belief in marriage, I'm sure you guys didn't marry with expectations of straying from time to time.

I also find it convenient that the only friend he has is the one you're interested in. As someone else has mentioned, have you thought like this before? If so, it may be time to learn some boundaries.

Edited November 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[carhill]

Sorry, I tried to answer all the questions in my reply, but it was hard to keep track of them all. Yes, I have a history with casual sex. It was basically how I spent my 20's save a few years when I was in a committed relationship.

 

And yeah, you summed it up fairly well. That's about the gist of things.

Thanks for the response. What this is going to boil down to is a balance IMO.

 

Is your H aware of your casual sex history and ability to divorce physical pleasure from emotion? Have you talked about that?

 

Next, the friend. You say he's a new friend but rapidly becoming your H's best friend. How well do they know each other? Does your H spill any details about their relationship? Little things in passing? The friend is a wild card. I presume he's single, yes? What's his deal? Divorced, never been married, straight, bi-sexual, etc? What's his experience with casual sex? Can he divorce emotion from physical pleasure? Stereotypically, men can but each man is an individual. If he's not on the same page as you this would never work anyway, at least not without damage to someone, even if H was on-board.

 

It's easy to say WTF are you thinking, cleave to your H and put the thoughts out of your mind. Indeed, you could task an IC with just that. I've found that accepting the real and working through it often leads to a resolution that everyone in the relationship can be accepting of and positive about. That includes you.

 

I'll leave you with one anecdote.... an MW you could say I know intimately did something like you're considering with a close friend of herself and her H's many years ago. The difference was they were both married and she wasn't wired for casual sex. Got married young to her H and had only been with him. It created a rift in their M and destroyed the two couple friendship that had existed prior. She didn't broach the attraction with her H prior, rather disclosed later. It still haunts her many years later and, yup, they're still married some three decades or more.

 

You can see how tricky this can be. Think it through. I get the attraction thing, trust me; only you can decide how to balance it with the value and health of your M.

 

Lastly, expect to meet and find many other men, including friends of your marriage, attractive over your lifetime. That's normal. Even if a perfect storm of one and done, no one is the wiser, move on occurred, that's just today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

[elaine567]

I think you have reached a significant point in your marriage.

You are obsessing and cannot let this crush and fantasy scenario go as essentially you do not want to.

I guess you have come to the fork in the road. Continue your marriage or look for pastures new, pastures new that may let you indulge your fantasies/passions and let you live more authentically.

Yes you have been the dutiful monogamous wife but that is not who you are and now you feel entitled to explore new avenues, but are handicapped by being married to a thorough and through monogamous man who probably deserves better than a wife who is spending her time day dreaming about his new best friend.

 

I guess you in time will get over this, but it will probably be replaced by a new "day dream" as you are essentially denying yourself the freedom to do what you really want.

It may take you a while, but I guess divorce is on the cards.

[stillafool]

Again OP, what makes you think you can just HAVE SEX with your husband's friend. The friend may care more about your husband than you do and would not do this to his friend. Plus, he may not be attracted to you in that way. Have you told him you want to have sex with him?