Emotional Affair

[Aces]

I'll try and make a long story short, I guess ultimately I am looking for advice information or thoughts from people who do not know my wife or I, as in general we share a lot of friends in common and I guess I'm trying to collect my thoughts.

 

We were married over seven years ago, and to be blunt our marriage has been difficult from the start. Looking back a lot of my wife's difficulties stem from the fact that I was an immature and a poor boyfriend. A lot of my difficulties stem from the fact that after we got married I have done everything I can to be a great husband and my Wife just never reciprocated or invested in our relationship.

 

A few years ago we went through a really difficult time in our marriage where we were looking at getting divorced. That being said we were able to work through a lot of things and both us found our relationship was getting a lot better. Her being able to move on from the past and me finally seeing a wife who valued me and showed her love for me.

 

Roughly a year ago, things changed rapidly and we started going through more unresolved issues from our past. During that time, last October my wife, who is involved in marketing, told me she was going out for a Coffee meeting with a guy from LinkedIn. I didn't think much of it at the time as I trusted her. Not long after, within a few weeks, probably days, she confessed that while nothing inappropriate had happened at dinner she did find him attractive and he had actually texted her to tell her that he found her attractive. She told me that she responded saying that she also found him attractive but she was married and this couldn't go on.

 

This hurt like hell but given how minimal it seemed, I felt like I could get over it. Over the next couple of months things didn't really improve in our relationship. We continued talking but didn't make much headway. In January, my wife went on vacation to visit some of her family for a couple days. I think just because of how sad she was at the time she e-mailed me a list of people, whose contact information I did not have, that she would want me to contact if something were to happen to her.

 

Much to my surprise, the guys name was on the list. I got pretty angry and texted my wife about it and when she got back we had a long conversation. She told me that she wasn't in contact with him, he had maybe sent a couple texts asking how she was doing. But that she was struggling with the fact that she still cared for him and how deeply and quickly she had fallen for him.

 

Honestly, at the time this started our relationship was so ****ty. Also she had some incorrect assumptions about my past behaviour that if they were true then I never would have married me in the first place, I would have hated me. I certainly, wouldn’t have stayed married or even tried to work through the issues. This doesn’t make what she did right but given that and what I thought was her almost immediate honesty about it and her remorse I was able to see a future where I could get past this. In other words, the quick honesty allowed me to believe that I could trust her.

 

This allowed us to work through the issue together and the issues from our past. We then went on to have a number of amazing months from May right up until this October. Things were great, we were working as a team, loved spending time together, she told me many times how happy she was to be with me and how much she loved me and what an Amazing person I was. She thanked me for my patience and my love and support during those difficult times. Physically things were great, we were having sex multiple times a day, she was very affectionate things seemed like after almost seven long years everything was clicking.

 

Recently, I have noticed small change with my Wife, she was starting to become just a touch different, less affectionate and a little withdrawn. So I asked her about it to see if everything was okay. She told me that she was having issues and wanted to talk to me about it. This was probably a week and a half ago and every time we set aside to talk she came up with a reason why we should do it another time. Not that the reasons themselves didn't make some sense just that it kept getting pushed back. However, it still led me to be suspicious and feeling hurt.

 

Last night she took a phone call, she told me it was from her Dad. I heard her talk to the other person, about whether they were free to talk and they said they were and then she stopped them and asked them to wait until she was in the car. She told me she was heading to the grocery store and asked if I needed anything. I said no and she headed out the house. With everything from our past I just felt an overwhelming suspicion that this wasn't right.

 

My Wife keeps journals and I have never read them, until yesterday. I’d always considered this private, certainly it would be a violation of her privacy but I was really struggling. I opened the first one and it had an entry dated a few weeks ago. Initially, nothing surprising. Trying to process what she wants to do with her life career wise. Trying to figure out if she wanted to start a family with me (when we got married neither of us wanted kids, although, as things improved we had started to think about it as a possibility in the future if things kept going well). As I got to the end, she started to write about how she had struggled to get over someone, clearly male and a did not recognize the name.

 

So I went to the next journal. This is where I found out that the name I didn’t recognize was a nickname for the guy she had told me about. I also found out that their relationship went far beyond a few texts. It seemed more like she was the one pining for his affection. Clearly there had been more than just a couple informal texts. Clearly, she had strong desires to be with him. Wrote about masturbating to fantasies with him, she had a copy of a letter she sent him where she told him about fantasizing about ****ing him. There was an entry that showed they had met on at least a couple of occasions. However, it does state that he was angry/disappointed that she wouldn’t have sex with him.

 

So that leads me to this post, I found this out less than 12 hours ago and I am at a loss. I feel like an idiot and what hurts the most is the outright lies she told me and continued to tell me about the relationship. This wasn’t a minor slip up and I really struggle with the dishonesty. For whatever reason what I thought was my wife’s honesty made me feel like I could trust her. As strange as it seems I think what hurts me the most is the lying.

 

Ultimately, I don’t even know if this is what she wants to talk to me about this evening. I guess I hope it is, not that I even know if I want our relationship to work out anymore but that it would mean something; however, small if she was finally honest with me.

 

Anyways, sorry for the long post, I really just wanted the opportunity to collect my thoughts and I guess see if any one had any advice or had been through similar things before. If so how did you deal with it? What helped what didn’t?

 

Thanks in advance

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Seven year itch? IDK

 

Don't see any kids mentioned. That makes things easier.

 

Age range?

 

Marriage was 'difficult from the start' ostensibly due to you being a poor boyfriend. OK, cool, so you all got married anyway. Could you expand upon 'difficult'? Be as specific as possible. Include the parts that had you considering divorce a few years ago.

 

I noted the sex several times a day thing after the first incident. If odd for you, likely hysterical bonding. What's the usual pattern, if that was an exception?

 

I've seen pretty much all sides of infidelity so tend to come at it from a neutral POV. No agenda. What's your agenda for your M?

[40somethingGuy]

Her heart is with the OM and even if OM and her don't hook up, she is on the prowl for someone else. You are at best #2 and just a financial support which is why she didn't leave. You know what she wrote and know she is looking to string you along until she has her replacement secured. Women don't tell other men they fantasize about them unless they want something to happen. I am sure she'd have sex in time with the OM. I would say nothing until you have her served. Go for maximum impact and shock her to the core. You can always pull it back.

Edited November 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[aliveagain]

Be strong, nothing you did caused this, your wife has poor boundaries and is actively trying to date other men. Make copies of her journals and save them where she can't get access to them. Have one or two of the most incriminating writings ready to present to her if she denies any wrong doings. You have no children, this is probably the easiest time you will ever have to get yourself out of a bad relationship. For tonight, accept no blame for her infidelity, she is choosing her path regardless of how much it will hurt you. Your goal is to not be her fall back guy, There is no way in hell that when you married her you agreed to her having boyfriends while married to you. Give her two choices, be 100% committed to you and the marriage or get the fu*k out of the house, nothing in between will work out well for you. Stand up for yourself because she sure as sh*t isn't.

[Aces]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Seven year itch? IDK

 

Don't see any kids mentioned. That makes things easier.

 

Age range?

 

Marriage was 'difficult from the start' ostensibly due to you being a poor boyfriend. OK, cool, so you all got married anyway. Could you expand upon 'difficult'? Be as specific as possible. Include the parts that had you considering divorce a few years ago.

 

I noted the sex several times a day thing after the first incident. If odd for you, likely hysterical bonding. What's the usual pattern, if that was an exception?

 

I've seen pretty much all sides of infidelity so tend to come at it from a neutral POV. No agenda. What's your agenda for your M?

 

 

No kids, both early thirties.

 

With respect to the marriage I think its safe to say we got married too soon. We definitely had issues we should have worked out.

 

The Difficulties for each of us are polar opposites. With me, it mainly lay in the fact that when I felt ready to get married I knew that marriage took work so I would have to give it everything I had. To that end, I was the primary money earner, I did the majority of the chores and tried to do the little things I know my wife had always wanted me to do prior to getting married flowers, compliments, etc...

 

On the other hand, by the time we got married my wife knew that she wasn't ready to marry me any more but never told me. So when we got married she was fairly depressed, unhappy and unhelpful. My efforts to be a good Husband ended up being counter productive. She has told me it would frusterate her when her friends would make comments about how great I was and make her even more resentful.

 

As far as what had me considering Divorce, I just couldn't see myself staying in a marriage where it felt like I was trying and my wife wasn't. For me wife she had years of resentment and feeling trapped in a marriage she didn't want to be in.

 

Over time, we processed through alot of our issues and things were amazing for probably a year and a half. The second time around (where the issues with the guy came in). We were able to dig deeper and sorta hit at the underlying issues holding her back. After that we had an amazing half a year up until recently.

 

As far as the sex goes I guess its cyclical. When we first started it was multiple times a day. I then left for the summer (I was in University) as I had a summer job lined up. That was difficult but when we got back together in person I would say the sex continued to be very frequent.

 

From there it sort of became cyclical in that when things were good the sex was too. When things were bad it was alot less often probably once a week. In our Marriage after both periods of rebuilding I would say the sex was very frequent.

 

As far as my agenda for the marriage I guess I don't have a solid answer. I'm still processing, I haven't confronted her and I guess i'm hoping I don't have to and she'll tell me tonight. For a marriage to work, it requires trust and I just don't have that right now and I have no idea if I can get it back.

[Marc878]

Her affair didn't stop but just went further underground. If you Go online and check your phone bill I suspect it'll be shocking. It may even be a physical affair.

 

Cheater lie a lot. That's all you've been getting.

 

Do some thinking. It maybe better to let her go and find someone that you are more compatible with.

 

Most people in your situation try and blame themselves or stay in denial of what's really happening. DONT

[Jamess1]

You put more effort in the marriage, you need her more than she needs you, you need the marriage and the intimacy more than she does, and your story exemplifies a principle : "Women will resent a man who needs her, her intimacy, the relationship more than she does"

 

Her friends would tell you and her how "great you were" and yet it made her even more upset...a very common phenomenon, what they say and what they really want are two different things. Women will not be satisfied with a man who find them special, men who value them, who love them..rather they're satisfied by a man who they find special, they value, they love, they respect etc...This is why many are frustrated (you included), when their marriages get shaken they tried so hard to show their wives how special they are, how much they love them, how much they need them and it almost never works (just like in your case).. the trick is to show her how special you are, how valuable you are, what she risks losing...this can be shown in ways that show how you are desirable to other women, you can express this awareness by acting in a way that shows that you have other options besides her...(There is a science behind this...trust me, this is a simplified version..)

 

Easy way to save your marriage : just stop caring about her or the marriage, start acting like you really really don't give a dammn about the marriage, or what /who she is talking to, rather act like you have other more important things, start dressing and acting like you are single or searching for another woman - start chatting with other women, whether your exs,or a girl at work you know has always liked you, a new girl, start chatting with them-start giving your attention else where, to them (this will change something about you..in a way you won't realize)..if she gets suspicious just claim they are your friends, don't lie (this raises the value of your attention -and is she tying to earn it)

 

The problem in your marriage is attraction - you are failing a lot her tests, and she is losing attraction-and attraction is not a choice, so talking or counseling won't work..

 

Stop self doubting, masculinity is assertive, confident, decisive, fully aware and conscious, stop trying to control the outcome-stop being the guy trying to save the marriage, just be a man, give her a raw reaction - stop holding back on you attractive dark side :

[somanymistakes]

Being a jerk does not save your marriage.

 

Being a doormat doesn't save it either.

 

Any wife that you have to win back through lying and manipulating was never a true wife to you in the first place.