Why didn't he tell his wife he loved me?

[Superluminal]

First the lie...then the backstory.

 

MM made a trip home with his kids to visit with his parents. He said his wife was not going with him. However, I saw pics on fb cleary showing her there with him. This made me finally realize that he'd been lying to me all along. About everything. And I feel like such a fool for believing him.

 

My backstory:

We're coworkers but work in different departments. I'm divorced with two kids (due to infedility on my husband's part) and he's married with 2 kids. It started about 5 years ago. We starting chatting and became good friends. This friendship lasted for over a year at which point, he declared feelings for me. And I reciprocated. He left the marital home and filed for legal separation. For almost two years, we were together. But guilt finally got the better of him and he went back home "for the sake of the kids". I was absolutely devastated.

 

A short while later, he approached me asking if we could be friends. I told him it wasn't a good idea having me in his life since he was reconciling with his wife. He said that they weren't reconciling and that he had told her that he was only there for the kids. And I fell for it...hook, line and sinker. I was desperate to have him in my life and would take whatever scraps I could get.

 

But eventually, we slipped back into a relationship, akin to what we had at the beginning but I now realize was an EA (for me). He continued to talk of his marital woes at home and his wife pressuring him to reconcile but was adament to me that it was not something he was intending to do. We didn't talk about "us" or our future together and never saw eah other outside of work. But we talked and emailed every day. This went on for almost 2 years!

 

Flash forward to today. After years of perpetuating this lie (and many others, as I've come to realize), I've had enough. While it hurts to know that she was on vacation with him, it's the lies that hurt the most.

 

So now I'm lost with how to proceed. I need to end it. I haven't told him yet that I know about the lie(s) and don't know if I should mention it or just fade off into obscurity. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I feel ashamed at my own stupidity for actually believing there was still something between us. I feel like such a loser.

[Origin]

Hi,

 

First of all you are not a loser, don't ever put yourself down, especially for somebody who doesn't deserve you.

 

I felt very sad when I read your story and I hope you truly are done with this guy. You really had enough, it is sick what he did and is still doing. To play somebody on emotions liked that is plain wrong.

 

My recommendation is to go out like a "good guy". And what I mean by that is I wish you could end it with him on terms where he realises that he f'ed up, that you know, you had enough, you're not mad, you forgive him, but he forever lost you. If you pull that off, he will be going thru years of his life with you popping into his mind and him realizing what he lost, realizing and coming to terms what a pos he was towards you.

 

You can go "crazy" on him also but that will just make you be the bad guy in his eyes and would seal a thought in his head how his wife was the one he really wanted to be with. He will even probably try and turn this thing against you for "spying" on him.

 

Anyways, million scenarios and you are holding a golden card. You get the last move so make it worth something.

 

Go out like a good guy or go out like an a-hole, the choice is yours and remember....KEEP POSTING. This forum will bring you clarity when you start caving.

[pheonixrisen]

First the lie...then the backstory.

 

MM made a trip home with his kids to visit with his parents. He said his wife was not going with him. However, I saw pics on fb cleary showing her there with him. This made me finally realize that he'd been lying to me all along. About everything. And I feel like such a fool for believing him.

 

My backstory:

We're coworkers but work in different departments. I'm divorced with two kids (due to infedility on my husband's part) and he's married with 2 kids. It started about 5 years ago. We starting chatting and became good friends. This friendship lasted for over a year at which point, he declared feelings for me. And I reciprocated. He left the marital home and filed for legal separation. For almost two years, we were together. But guilt finally got the better of him and he went back home "for the sake of the kids". I was absolutely devastated.

 

A short while later, he approached me asking if we could be friends. I told him it wasn't a good idea having me in his life since he was reconciling with his wife. He said that they weren't reconciling and that he had told her that he was only there for the kids. And I fell for it...hook, line and sinker. I was desperate to have him in my life and would take whatever scraps I could get.

 

But eventually, we slipped back into a relationship, akin to what we had at the beginning but I now realize was an EA (for me). He continued to talk of his marital woes at home and his wife pressuring him to reconcile but was adament to me that it was not something he was intending to do. We didn't talk about "us" or our future together and never saw eah other outside of work. But we talked and emailed every day. This went on for almost 2 years!

 

Flash forward to today. After years of perpetuating this lie (and many others, as I've come to realize), I've had enough. While it hurts to know that she was on vacation with him, it's the lies that hurt the most.

 

So now I'm lost with how to proceed. I need to end it. I haven't told him yet that I know about the lie(s) and don't know if I should mention it or just fade off into obscurity. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I feel ashamed at my own stupidity for actually believing there was still something between us. I feel like such a loser.

 

He files for legal separation /separates from wife you enjoy a relationship for 2 years ...then he goes back to his wife .

 

For 2 years she is with out him and now knows that she is able to go on in life without him (2 years is a long time )

 

So how does a conversation like this goes down with the wife

I want to move back in for kids but don't want to reconcile my marriage?

And she says sure move right back in honey ..and then pursues him for next year's to reconcile

 

That's a bull of crap ...that you fell for ..no woman after 2 years of separation with her h is going to allow him to move back in under I don't want to reconcile with you .just want the kids .

[elaine567]

...And I feel like such a fool for believing him.

...I feel ashamed at my own stupidity for actually believing there was still something between us. I feel like such a loser.

 

This ^^^ is the feeling that you need to hold onto in order to get him out of your life. Remember this and remember it well and if you want to cave, just keep remembering the lies.

 

My guess is that he will try to wriggle out of it.

"My wife wasn't going to come with me to visit my parents, I didn't want her to come but she just packed a suitcase and said she was coming too whether i liked it or not"

"My parents requested that they wanted to see my wife and they organised it with her all behind my back..."

"My children wanted their Mom to come with us..."

 

You have to accept that she is #1 and that you are likely never to be anything more than #2 and his OW, no matter what BS he tells you.

Your "time" came and went the moment he packed up and went back to his wife.

That was when you should have cut him off dead.

 

Being the OW suits some women, but obviously you want more than that, more than what he is prepared to give you, so you need to get out for your own sanity.

[aileD]

You just have to accept it and move on. These things never make sense because they are things that shouldn't happen in the first place .

 

I'm very curious, your husband cheated on you...so you know the pain that infidelity brings. How on earth could you take part in causing pain like that on another woman?

 

That's not a judgement, I truly am curious where your mind was. How could you get stuck in this having the knowledge from your marriage?

[jenkins95]

Sorry you are in this postion Superluminal.

 

He has hurt both you and his wife terribly. I am actually amazed that after he moved out and lived with you for two years, that she still wanted him back...and that he actually went back.

 

He clearly wants both of you and is lying to both of you to enable this.

 

I think the best thing is to send him a short message saying that you can't do this anymore and that he is not to contact you again. Then ghost him, 100% and never turn back.

 

Please keep posting! You will be OK! We are here for you.

 

Good luck.

[Ahurtgirl]

My heart breaks for you... Your first husband cheats on you and now you fell in love with yet another cheater. It's amazing how some men are so good at manipulating good and kind woman to use for their selfish purpose. I can tell you love him and had your hopes of being with him. I strongly encourage you to walk away from him because he will only hurt you more in the future if you allow him to continue in your life.

[Superluminal]

Sigh...I didn't assign myself the "OW" label at first. At the time of our year-long initial friendship, I heard nothing but tales of unhappiness from him (I know...I know...) He said he had been unhappy for many years and had wanted to leave for a while. That to him, his marriage was dead. As soon as he admitted his feelings to me, he immediately told his wife and met with a lawyer. It took him a few months to extracate himself from the marital home but had been living in the basement the whole time. So us being together wasn't the same as an affair (in my mind) that was being hidden from his wife. We were out in the open.

 

My ex-husbands's affairs were deliberate, planned, and hidden from me. He met/dated with multiple women, with the intent to carry on an affair behind my back and with no intent to leave the marriage.

I couldn't equate the two actions of my husband and my AP and thus, didn't define myself as an OW.

[Superluminal]

Those 2 years of separation were hell for him. His ex-wife was relentless. She called us, emailed us for months, begging for him to come home. We had her family calling us too, trying to convince him to go home for the sake of the kids. Then she got sick (which her family blamed on him) and needed care. He tried to do the best he could by taking the kids more often but it wore him down.

 

The kids were also strugglung with their separation and would cry and argue whenever he dropped them off after his visits. His ex-wife would also take every opportunity to tell him how horrible a father he was for abandoning his children...that they were suffering in school, etc. This went on for almost the entire 2 years. At the end, he almost had a nervous breakdown. He felt his only option was to go home.

[BaileyB]

Those 2 years of separation were hell for him. His ex-wife was relentless. She called us, emailed us for months, begging for him to come home. We had her family calling us too, trying to convince him to go home for the sake of the kids. Then she got sick (which her family blamed on him) and needed care. He tried to do the best he could by taking the kids more often but it wore him down.

 

The kids were also strugglung with their separation and would cry and argue whenever he dropped them off after his visits. His ex-wife would also take every opportunity to tell him how horrible a father he was for abandoning his children...that they were suffering in school, etc. This went on for almost the entire 2 years. At the end, he almost had a nervous breakdown. He felt his only option was to go home.

 

They may have been "separated" but that doesn't exactly mean that he was "single" and thus, "available and ready for another relationship." Unfortunately, you learned that lesson the hard way.

 

If he's sleeping in the basement, or he has moved out and his wife and her family are calling regularly begging him to come home... that means he is still very much wrapped up and engaged in his marriage.

 

I'm sorry. I hope you are able to leave this drama and this pain behind and move on with your life...

[BTDT2012]

Those 2 years of separation were hell for him. His ex-wife was relentless. She called us, emailed us for months, begging for him to come home. We had her family calling us too, trying to convince him to go home for the sake of the kids. Then she got sick (which her family blamed on him) and needed care. He tried to do the best he could by taking the kids more often but it wore him down.

 

The kids were also strugglung with their separation and would cry and argue whenever he dropped them off after his visits. His ex-wife would also take every opportunity to tell him how horrible a father he was for abandoning his children...that they were suffering in school, etc. This went on for almost the entire 2 years. At the end, he almost had a nervous breakdown. He felt his only option was to go home.

 

And this was the time for you to remove yourself from the equation. It's time to end the friendship, and resolve to never put yourself in this situation again.

[whichwayisup]

Sigh...I didn't assign myself the "OW" label at first. At the time of our year-long initial friendship, I heard nothing but tales of unhappiness from him (I know...I know...) He said he had been unhappy for many years and had wanted to leave for a while. That to him, his marriage was dead. As soon as he admitted his feelings to me, he immediately told his wife and met with a lawyer. It took him a few months to extracate himself from the marital home but had been living in the basement the whole time. So us being together wasn't the same as an affair (in my mind) that was being hidden from his wife. We were out in the open.

 

My ex-husbands's affairs were deliberate, planned, and hidden from me. He met/dated with multiple women, with the intent to carry on an affair behind my back and with no intent to leave the marriage.

I couldn't equate the two actions of my husband and my AP and thus, didn't define myself as an OW.

 

But with that said, you know the pain a betrayed spouse feels so did it ever come into your mind that by having an affair with this MM that you'd be helping him hurt her/betray her?

 

I'm glad it's over and now you can see past justifications harmed you. Don't let this ruin your life. Grieve the loss and never see/speak to him again. You're going to be okay. Find that love for yourself again by being around good friends and family who love and care about you.

[whichwayisup]

Those 2 years of separation were hell for him. His ex-wife was relentless. She called us, emailed us for months, begging for him to come home. We had her family calling us too, trying to convince him to go home for the sake of the kids. Then she got sick (which her family blamed on him) and needed care. He tried to do the best he could by taking the kids more often but it wore him down.

 

The kids were also strugglung with their separation and would cry and argue whenever he dropped them off after his visits. His ex-wife would also take every opportunity to tell him how horrible a father he was for abandoning his children...that they were suffering in school, etc. This went on for almost the entire 2 years. At the end, he almost had a nervous breakdown. He felt his only option was to go home.

 

She was fighting for her family to stay intact, rightfully so. You were in her shoes at one time even though you chose to divorce, she chose to fight hard to get her husband back. Nothing wrong with that. And he obviously realized this and went back home.

[aileD]

Thank you for explaining.

 

It doesn't matter what his wife or kids did or didn't do. He made the choice to go back. I agree with whomever said that if his wife and her family were involved for those two years that there is more he isn't telling you about his interactions with her during that time. That and it shouldn't take two years to divorce.

 

Now, you know that. So for you to fall back into it, that would be a choice you make knowing that he values his children over any relationship. That being married affords him happiness with his kids.

 

Now you know you'll be the OW in the true sense. So don't let yourself be .

 

And in my opinion, with his history, I would refuse to engage with him in any way unlesss he can prove to you that he is actually divorced and has been for awhile.

[Superluminal]

But with that said, you know the pain a betrayed spouse feels so did it ever come into your mind that by having an affair with this MM that you'd be helping him hurt her/betray her?

 

I'm glad it's over and now you can see past justifications harmed you. Don't let this ruin your life. Grieve the loss and never see/speak to him again. You're going to be okay. Find that love for yourself again by being around good friends and family who love and care about you.

 

I completely understood the pain she was going through. But I also heard and witnessed the pain she put him through too. Years of criticism on how he dressed and looked, the disrespect, his lonliness and his grief over the loss of his marriage. She hurt someone I loved. To be honest, I just didn't care. Not that she deserved it...but that he deserved happiness...whatever that meant to him. (Please don't eviscerate me over this...I'm just being honest.)

 

And like I said earlier, I didn't identify myself as an OW. I didn't feel like there was a betrayal.

To him, the marriage was already over. I don't even think I defined it as an affair, now that I think back to those early days. Sigh...

[somanymistakes]

If he really did move out, it wasn't the standard affair, at least. The big problem came later, when he decided he wanted to go back to his family but also keep your attention.

 

It's interesting how often on this forum we see people with lengthy separations that end up getting back together anyway. It's a story that I almost never see in other parts of the internet. Everywhere else, everyone's always saying "if someone moved out, the marriage is over, you will never get them back".

[BTDT2012]

I completely understood the pain she was going through. But I also heard and witnessed the pain she put him through too. Years of criticism on how he dressed and looked, the disrespect, his lonliness and his grief over the loss of his marriage. She hurt someone I loved. To be honest, I just didn't care. Not that she deserved it...but that he deserved happiness...whatever that meant to him. (Please don't eviscerate me over this...I'm just being honest.)

 

And like I said earlier, I didn't identify myself as an OW. I didn't feel like there was a betrayal.

To him, the marriage was already over. I don't even think I defined it as an affair, now that I think back to those early days. Sigh...

And he voluntarily returned to all of that. I hope you realize now that this was you rationalizing and justifying your behavior.

[elaine567]

If he really did move out, it wasn't the standard affair, at least. The big problem came later, when he decided he wanted to go back to his family but also keep your attention.

 

It's interesting how often on this forum we see people with lengthy separations that end up getting back together anyway. It's a story that I almost never see in other parts of the internet. Everywhere else, everyone's always saying "if someone moved out, the marriage is over, you will never get them back".

 

I think kids are a big part of it.

and options...

If after the affair fog clears, he realises that his wife was probably the best he could ever get, and the OW does not really match up, then he is going to want to go home...

 

I also think status/money/habit may come into it too.

Being married is a big deal to some, being separated/divorced/living together/remarried sometimes doesn't quite cut it in people who actually revere marriage.

[Superluminal]

Thank you for explaining.

 

It doesn't matter what his wife or kids did or didn't do. He made the choice to go back. I agree with whomever said that if his wife and her family were involved for those two years that there is more he isn't telling you about his interactions with her during that time. That and it shouldn't take two years to divorce.

Now, you know that. So for you to fall back into it, that would be a choice you make knowing that he values his children over any relationship. That being married affords him happiness with his kids.

 

Now you know you'll be the OW in the true sense. So don't let yourself be .

 

And in my opinion, with his history, I would refuse to engage with him in any way unlesss he can prove to you that he is actually divorced and has been for awhile.

 

 

This makes perfect sense. I could not have expresed it any better.

[Superluminal]

And he voluntarily returned to all of that. I hope you realize now that this was you rationalizing and justifying your behavior.

 

Yes, you are correct.

[Superluminal]

Ugh! He beat me to the punch. I just got an email from him telling me that he decided to reconcile with his wife. A trial reconciliation and that if it doesn't work, he said he would take comfort in the fact that at least he tried.

 

I guess that solves my dilemma of how to end it. Kinda stole my thunder.

 

But...he then says that he will always be my friend no matter what and wants to talk about his "decision" further with me. WTF?!

[elaine567]

Ugh! He beat me to the punch. I just got an email from him telling me that he decided to reconcile with his wife. A trial reconciliation and that if it doesn't work, he said he would take comfort in the fact that at least he tried.

 

I guess that solves my dilemma of how to end it. Kinda stole my thunder.

 

But...he then says that he will always be my friend no matter what and wants to talk about his "decision" further with me. WTF?!

 

It is ALL about him.

HIS wife, HIS kids, HIS marriage, HIS feelings, I bet you can't wait to get into that discussion... free therapy sessions FOR HIM.

WTF! indeed.

[aileD]

Ugh! He beat me to the punch. I just got an email from him telling me that he decided to reconcile with his wife. A trial reconciliation and that if it doesn't work, he said he would take comfort in the fact that at least he tried.

 

I guess that solves my dilemma of how to end it. Kinda stole my thunder.

 

But...he then says that he will always be my friend no matter what and wants to talk about his "decision" further with me. WTF?!

 

No. Don't let him. If he's choosing to reconcile, you should now be out of the picture and he shouldn't need to consult with you, also a true reconciliation try would involve him cutting off all contact with the woman he had an affair with because you can't reconcile if you're still in contact in any way with your AP.

 

The fact he wants to see you shows that he's not truly putting the effort into a real reconciliation but also that he's going to try to get to a place where he can have his cake and eat it too. Which means he will drag you into it and try to hold onto you and keep you on the side so he can have the best of both worlds.

 

Honestly, if he truly is miserable on his marriage --and it sounds like he is--then it's up to him to make a change. If he's not willing to, that's his problem. Not yours. "Friends" will consist of him "confiding" in you again how miserable he his and how "bad" she treats him. He'll want sympathy from you and you'll get sucked in again. If he's miserable he can leave. PERIOD. It's not your job to save him from something he chose to do and can easily get out of.

 

WISH HIM WELL IN HIS RECONCILIATION, and move on with YOU.

 

I would even say to him thst his best shot at reconciliation is for you to remove yourself from his life so you will be doing that starting now and request that he not contact you anymore .

 

Then change your number or block him and if he responds. Don't answer.

 

He may leave his wife someday but at least you will not be the person who gets blamed for it.

[BaileyB]

Keep your dignity. Wish him well in his reconciliation and then block him. No more communication. It's for the best.

[Hip Pocket]

First the lie...then the backstory.

 

MM made a trip home with his kids to visit with his parents. He said his wife was not going with him. However, I saw pics on fb cleary showing her there with him. This made me finally realize that he'd been lying to me all along. About everything. And I feel like such a fool for believing him.

 

My backstory:

We're coworkers but work in different departments. I'm divorced with two kids (due to infedility on my husband's part) and he's married with 2 kids. It started about 5 years ago. We starting chatting and became good friends. This friendship lasted for over a year at which point, he declared feelings for me. And I reciprocated. He left the marital home and filed for legal separation. For almost two years, we were together. But guilt finally got the better of him and he went back home "for the sake of the kids". I was absolutely devastated.

 

A short while later, he approached me asking if we could be friends. I told him it wasn't a good idea having me in his life since he was reconciling with his wife. He said that they weren't reconciling and that he had told her that he was only there for the kids. And I fell for it...hook, line and sinker. I was desperate to have him in my life and would take whatever scraps I could get.

 

But eventually, we slipped back into a relationship, akin to what we had at the beginning but I now realize was an EA (for me). He continued to talk of his marital woes at home and his wife pressuring him to reconcile but was adament to me that it was not something he was intending to do. We didn't talk about "us" or our future together and never saw eah other outside of work. But we talked and emailed every day. This went on for almost 2 years!

 

Flash forward to today. After years of perpetuating this lie (and many others, as I've come to realize), I've had enough. While it hurts to know that she was on vacation with him, it's the lies that hurt the most.

 

So now I'm lost with how to proceed. I need to end it. I haven't told him yet that I know about the lie(s) and don't know if I should mention it or just fade off into obscurity. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I feel ashamed at my own stupidity for actually believing there was still something between us. I feel like such a loser.

 

Hi, long term OW here. You need more support from those in the same position as you, I feel.

 

First off, you did still have something between you. Why negate that simply because he was traveling with his W? We know that she's not right for him, or not enough for him otherwise he'd not think of contacting a woman outside of his M.

 

I had so much more to say until I saw your post that he emailed you. He's likely now in a state where he truly wants to reconcile and will give it his all, hence the email. But if he's like my MM, and so many others, he'll realize it just wasn't all that. That's ok though, let him truly try to work it out. If he reaches out and says it's not working then you can always meet to reassess where you both are and how you both feel. He's been separated before and I'm sure he can do it again.

 

And this talk of rationalizing your behavior, don't listen to it. Love is not logical, nor is it rational. He left his M and you lived with him, so what. Your R with him was very real. I was betrayed too but I never held my xH's OW responsible for my pain, only him. And once I went through my own OW journey I have the experience and understanding to no longer really blame my xH because we just weren't right for each other, and the experience to see that I have zero responsibility toward my MM's W.

 

In the meantime take care of yourself.

 

(((Superluminal)))