Why didn't he tell his wife he loved me?

[Superluminal]

Thanks Pocket. It was good to hear from someone in the same situation as me.

 

I too realized that my xH's OW (now his wife) was not to blame for my divorce. Once I understood why he cheated and why our marriage fell apart (before the affairs started), I was able to make peace with myself and let go of the anger towards the OW and my xH. Maybe that's why I never really felt bad about my relationship with my MM. And understood why my MM was capable of a relationship outside of his marriage and didn't think any less of him for it.

 

I'm just really sad today. I haven't responded to his email. I need a few days to let it digest.

 

My brain tells me I should not engage him in any conversation with him. My hearts says otherwise.

[BaileyB]

Hi, long term OW here. You need more support from those in the same position as you, I feel.

 

First off, you did still have something between you. Why negate that simply because he was traveling with his W? We know that she's not right for him, or not enough for him otherwise he'd not think of contacting a woman outside of his M.

 

I had so much more to say until I saw your post that he emailed you. He's likely now in a state where he truly wants to reconcile and will give it his all, hence the email. But if he's like my MM, and so many others, he'll realize it just wasn't all that. That's ok though, let him truly try to work it out. If he reaches out and says it's not working then you can always meet to reassess where you both are and how you both feel. He's been separated before and I'm sure he can do it again.

 

And this talk of rationalizing your behavior, don't listen to it. Love is not logical, nor is it rational. He left his M and you lived with him, so what. Your R with him was very real. I was betrayed too but I never held my xH's OW responsible for my pain, only him. And once I went through my own OW journey I have the experience and understanding to no longer really blame my xH because we just weren't right for each other, and the experience to see that I have zero responsibility toward my MM's W.

 

In the meantime take care of yourself.

 

(((Superluminal)))

 

Are you trying to advocate for this woman to stay in the affair? Should she really stay on the hook and put her life on hold while she waits to see if it's going to work out with his wife?

 

No, I'd much rather be in charge of my own destiny. I don't date men who are not available and I definitely would never wait around for him to "chose me." Best to move on and dream a better dream for your life...

[Superluminal]

Are you trying to advocate for this woman to stay in the affair? Should she really stay on the hook and put her life on hold while she waits to see if it's going to work out with his wife?

 

No, I'd much rather be in charge of my own destiny. I don't date men who are not available and I definitely would never wait around for him to "chose me." Best to move on and dream a better dream for your life...

 

Oh, no worries there. I'm done. I put the last 2 years of my life on hold for this man. I'm not doing it any longer.

[BaileyB]

Oh, no worries there. I'm done. I put the last 2 years of my life on hold for this man. I'm not doing it any longer.

 

Good for you! Best wishes.

[Origin]

No. Don't let him. If he's choosing to reconcile, you should now be out of the picture and he shouldn't need to consult with you, also a true reconciliation try would involve him cutting off all contact with the woman he had an affair with because you can't reconcile if you're still in contact in any way with your AP.

 

The fact he wants to see you shows that he's not truly putting the effort into a real reconciliation but also that he's going to try to get to a place where he can have his cake and eat it too. Which means he will drag you into it and try to hold onto you and keep you on the side so he can have the best of both worlds.

 

Honestly, if he truly is miserable on his marriage --and it sounds like he is--then it's up to him to make a change. If he's not willing to, that's his problem. Not yours. "Friends" will consist of him "confiding" in you again how miserable he his and how "bad" she treats him. He'll want sympathy from you and you'll get sucked in again. If he's miserable he can leave. PERIOD. It's not your job to save him from something he chose to do and can easily get out of.

 

WISH HIM WELL IN HIS RECONCILIATION, and move on with YOU.

 

I would even say to him thst his best shot at reconciliation is for you to remove yourself from his life so you will be doing that starting now and request that he not contact you anymore .

 

Then change your number or block him and if he responds. Don't answer.

 

He may leave his wife someday but at least you will not be the person who gets blamed for it.

 

THIS!! Everything you need is right here. If you don't see it now, you will see it one day. Keep posting if you start crashing.

[Hip Pocket]

Thanks Pocket. It was good to hear from someone in the same situation as me.

 

I too realized that my xH's OW (now his wife) was not to blame for my divorce. Once I understood why he cheated and why our marriage fell apart (before the affairs started), I was able to make peace with myself and let go of the anger towards the OW and my xH. Maybe that's why I never really felt bad about my relationship with my MM. And understood why my MM was capable of a relationship outside of his marriage and didn't think any less of him for it.

 

I'm just really sad today. I haven't responded to his email. I need a few days to let it digest.

 

My brain tells me I should not engage him in any conversation with him. My hearts says otherwise.

 

The heart and the mind are often at odds. That's true for MM as well which means it's likely his mind that keeps him at home while his heart is with you.

 

I went through this with my MM and it was gut-wrenching, especially given that he pursued me, worked hard to keep me in the EA until I fell desperately in love with him, then I got D and we evolved into PA. It was a beautiful many years until Dday and he decided that he wanted to work on his M one last time.

 

Several months later he came back with a vengeance explaining that no matter how hard he tried nothing worked and he now knew for sure that there was nothing left between them except for a friendship. He's more than proven this to me over and over.

 

I can't promise that your story will land up like mine but I do believe it's not over until MM stays away for at least a full year. Most come back after experiencing several months of more of the same with their Ws.

 

It's hard, these next few months, I know. Keep yourself busy reading forums and books on reconciliation, preferably written by psychologists. You'll see it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

 

(((Superluminal)))

 

Are you trying to advocate for this woman to stay in the affair? Should she really stay on the hook and put her life on hold while she waits to see if it's going to work out with his wife?

 

No, I'd much rather be in charge of my own destiny. I don't date men who are not available and I definitely would never wait around for him to "chose me." Best to move on and dream a better dream for your life...

 

I don't speak in terms of hooks and ladies in waiting, I just offer support according to my own life experience and without judgment.

 

I submit that superluminal is already in charge of her life and if she still loves him if and when he returns with an update then I suggest she meet him to reassess where they are with their lives and their feelings for each other. One of the greatest experiences of my life was seeing the deep love in my MM's eyes when he came back after four months saying that the reconciliation wasn't going well at all. I did not wait for him, yet my heart was glad to see him. That's love. And it was my choice to have my own reconciliation with him. We are living our dream which has nothing to do with marriage, or living together, etc.

[Superluminal]

The heart and the mind are often at odds. That's true for MM as well which means it's likely his mind that keeps him at home while his heart is with you.

 

I went through this with my MM and it was gut-wrenching, especially given that he pursued me, worked hard to keep me in the EA until I fell desperately in love with him, then I got D and we evolved into PA. It was a beautiful many years until Dday and he decided that he wanted to work on his M one last time.

 

Several months later he came back with a vengeance explaining that no matter how hard he tried nothing worked and he now knew for sure that there was nothing left between them except for a friendship. He's more than proven this to me over and over.

 

I can't promise that your story will land up like mine but I do believe it's not over until MM stays away for at least a full year. Most come back after experiencing several months of more of the same with their Ws.

 

It's hard, these next few months, I know. Keep yourself busy reading forums and books on reconciliation, preferably written by psychologists. You'll see it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

 

(((Superluminal)))

 

 

 

I don't speak in terms of hooks and ladies in waiting, I just offer support according to my own life experience and without judgment.

 

I submit that superluminal is already in charge of her life and if she still loves him if and when he returns with an update then I suggest she meet him to reassess where they are with their lives and their feelings for each other. One of the greatest experiences of my life was seeing the deep love in my MM's eyes when he came back after four months saying that the reconciliation wasn't going well at all. I did not wait for him, yet my heart was glad to see him. That's love. And it was my choice to have my own reconciliation with him. We are living our dream which has nothing to do with marriage, or living together, etc.

 

 

What an interesting story, Pocket. Thanks for sharing it.

 

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to hold out hope for the same outcome, I can't. I have to move forward with the fact that it's over. I know my MM well enough to know that even if reconciliation didn't work out, he would probably stay and just accept the fact that he will never have the marriage he really wants.

 

Or worse...he leaves the marriage but chooses not to be with me either since he never loved me.

[Superluminal]

Thanks Origin. I'm well aware that Puddle's story is unique and doesn't really equate to my situation. I'm happy it worked out for her but I have no illusions of that happening with me.

 

I held on for too long already. I hate what I had become. I can't be that person anymore.

[Ruffian1]

To him, the marriage was already over. I don't even think I defined it as an affair, now that I think back to those early days. Sigh...

This is a very common tactic. MM paint the M as over,

 

Tell him too look you up when he is D. Then go NC.

Edited August 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[jenkins95]

Thanks Origin. I'm well aware that Puddle's story is unique and doesn't really equate to my situation. I'm happy it worked out for her but I have no illusions of that happening with me.

 

I held on for too long already. I hate what I had become. I can't be that person anymore.

 

That's very wise. Pocket meant well with her posts and wanted to give you hope and support. But in reality it very rarely works out the way it did for her.

 

Also, Pocket and her MM will have to be very careful in their new R as both of them are proven cheaters and at least one of the ex spouses was cheated on and lied to for years. They have issues that they need to work on and keep in check and I'm sure Pocket is aware of this and I wish her the best. No judgement here - I was a cheater too!

 

You are best off away from a relationship like this IMO and I see that you are seeing it too.

 

Good luck! x

[BTDT2012]

Ugh! He beat me to the punch. I just got an email from him telling me that he decided to reconcile with his wife. A trial reconciliation and that if it doesn't work, he said he would take comfort in the fact that at least he tried.

 

I guess that solves my dilemma of how to end it. Kinda stole my thunder.

 

But...he then says that he will always be my friend no matter what and wants to talk about his "decision" further with me. WTF?!

The proper response to this is crickets. Some things simply don't deserve a response.

[BTDT2012]

The heart and the mind are often at odds. That's true for MM as well which means it's likely his mind that keeps him at home while his heart is with you.

 

I went through this with my MM and it was gut-wrenching, especially given that he pursued me, worked hard to keep me in the EA until I fell desperately in love with him, then I got D and we evolved into PA. It was a beautiful many years until Dday and he decided that he wanted to work on his M one last time.

 

Several months later he came back with a vengeance explaining that no matter how hard he tried nothing worked and he now knew for sure that there was nothing left between them except for a friendship. He's more than proven this to me over and over.

 

I can't promise that your story will land up like mine but I do believe it's not over until MM stays away for at least a full year. Most come back after experiencing several months of more of the same with their Ws.

 

It's hard, these next few months, I know. Keep yourself busy reading forums and books on reconciliation, preferably written by psychologists. You'll see it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

 

(((Superluminal)))

 

 

 

I don't speak in terms of hooks and ladies in waiting, I just offer support according to my own life experience and without judgment.

 

I submit that superluminal is already in charge of her life and if she still loves him if and when he returns with an update then I suggest she meet him to reassess where they are with their lives and their feelings for each other. One of the greatest experiences of my life was seeing the deep love in my MM's eyes when he came back after four months saying that the reconciliation wasn't going well at all. I did not wait for him, yet my heart was glad to see him. That's love. And it was my choice to have my own reconciliation with him. We are living our dream which has nothing to do with marriage, or living together, etc.

 

I don't sense from the OP's post that she is interested in being a long term OP.

[Ruffian1]

he then says that he will always be my friend no matter what and wants to talk about his "decision" further with me. WTF?!

This is very common too. Trying to keep you in their life. Breadcrumbs.

 

You ok with being plan B?

Edited August 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[CloudyHead]

I was in your position. Trust me . . . It will not end well. You need to sever contact with him and move forward with your life. You've already lost too many years to him. He will NOT change. He has no interest in changing his situation. I mean, why would he? He has the best of both worlds. Two women vying for his time and attention.

 

You need to focus on yourself. You need to heal and move forward.

[grassisorisntgreener]

When he was separated, why wasn't the process of divorce started?

 

Why would he go back to someone who would speak that poorly about him to his children? That is horrible.

 

If you call him out on her being there, he's just going to say she wasn't invited and she insisted..but he didn't want her there and blah blah blah.. it's always the same crap.

 

Does his wife know you two are still in contact?

[Superluminal]

When he was separated, why wasn't the process of divorce started?

 

Why would he go back to someone who would speak that poorly about him to his children? That is horrible.

 

If you call him out on her being there, he's just going to say she wasn't invited and she insisted..but he didn't want her there and blah blah blah.. it's always the same crap.

 

Does his wife know you two are still in contact?

 

I asked myself that many times at the time...why doesn't he file for divorce? I assumed he was still trying to adapt to the new situation (which was proving to be very stressful) and didn't want to deal with it yet. And I didn't pressure him about this either. I figured he just needed more time. Wow...was I wrong. Reality was, he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce.

 

Why did he go back? Because he was terrified his children would hate him, which was his greatest fear through-out the entire time we were together. Going back was not about the marriage but about the kids.

 

No, she doesn't know. He told me they never talked about me and that she never asked about me either.

[BTDT2012]

I asked myself that many times at the time...why doesn't he file for divorce? I assumed he was still trying to adapt to the new situation (which was proving to be very stressful) and didn't want to deal with it yet. And I didn't pressure him about this either. I figured he just needed more time. Wow...was I wrong. Reality was, he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce.

 

Why did he go back? Because he was terrified his children would hate him, which was his greatest fear through-out the entire time we were together. Going back was not about the marriage but about the kids.

 

No, she doesn't know. He told me they never talked about me and that she never asked about me either.

 

Were you living together?

[Bufo]

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. A trite a aphorism except it may be useful here

 

Did you survive his vacation? Sure sounds like it. Did you have private communication with him during that vacation? You don't say but Facebook was how you found out BW was with MM and family. Did you have the opportunity for some deeper thinking about this relationship? Sure seems like it given your thought-out posts.

 

Sure it may have been fun but it sure wasn't your source of oxygen or water or food. You can live without MM and probably realize you should.

 

Don't fixate in good times with him. Remember the times you were left alone. Remember that he has lied to you for years about not reconciling with WW.

 

Do you need that? I hope not!

[Superluminal]

Were you living together?

 

Yes, for about a year. Before that, he lived in his basement while he got the separation agreement done and found somewhere to live. His apartment didn't work out and he then moved in with me.

[BTDT2012]

Yes, for about a year. Before that, he lived in his basement while he got the separation agreement done and found somewhere to live. His apartment didn't work out and he then moved in with me.

Did his wife know that he was living with you?

[Superluminal]

Did his wife know that he was living with you?

 

Yes, she knew.

[elaine567]

Yes, she knew.

 

Did she know that you were the OW?

[Superluminal]

Did she know that you were the OW?

 

Yes, she knew. She knew about me during the first year that the MM and I were friends and knew he was leaving to be with me. He was very open about that with her.

[Bufo]

OP can't wait untill he makes his choice. He has already made his choice. Tha is obvious to me as the average man. Watch his actions and don't listen to his words. He's very adept at lying to you, but his actions of not separating, going on vacation somewhere with her (and kids?) are not the actions of someone who loves and cherishes you. Actions more often tell the truth about the state of relationship, and his are all directed to BW.

 

Besides, the longer you hang out pining for him, the less likely you are to find a compatible love interest. If that's something you think you'd like. and you might discover you have an embarrassing blank spot in your resume.

 

In short, what is the upside of waiting around for him?

[BTDT2012]

Yes, she knew. She knew about me during the first year that the MM and I were friends and knew he was leaving to be with me. He was very open about that with her.

 

From your earlier post:

 

No, she doesn't know. He told me they never talked about me and that she never asked about me either.

 

This doesn't quite make sense. Do you know this from him telling you this, or from other sources. Do you really believe he discussed her with you, but never discussed you with her?