Why didn't he tell his wife he loved me?

[kittencupcake]

If you cheated on your husband? Are you a BS, WS or OW? I see that you post all over the place in this forum. If you have no direct experience with this situation, I respectfully ask you to decline from offering up your hypothetical answers.

 

And it's not because I don't like your answer. It meaningless without the benefit of experience.

 

We were house hunting and ring shopping before DDay. You and I have more in common than you think.

[jenkins95]

But if at some point in the reconciliation you decided it wasn't working, would you leave?

 

Yes, if my wife and/or I decided that reconciliation was not working, I would leave. Life is too short to live in misery just for appearances or because it's "the right thing to do". Then I would live on my own, be as good a parent as I could and get my head sorted out. I would certainly not go to the xOW.

 

Sorry if you feel like you are being kicked when you are down. I don't think many posters intend this. It's just that we are giving brutal honesty (which you need). I totally understand that it often hurts and is not what you want to hear, but we genuinely have your back here. We want to see you get past this toxic MM and recover. And yes, I know that this MM could also be a lovely guy. But speaking objectively, looking in from the outside, he is toxic to you...and I was exactly the same.

Edited October 19, 2017 by jenkins95

[goldengirl11]

Yes, if my wife and/or I decided that reconciliation was not working, I would leave. Life is too short to live in misery just for appearances or because it's "the right thing to do". Then I would live on my own, be as good a parent as I could and get my head sorted out. I would certainly not go to the xOW.

 

Sorry if you feel like you are being kicked when you are down. I don't think many posters intend this. It's just that we are giving brutal honesty (which you need). I totally understand that it often hurts and is not what you want to hear, but we genuinely have your back here. We want to see you get past this toxic MM and recover. And yes, I know that this MM could also be a lovely guy. But speaking objectively, looking in from the outside, he is toxic to you...and I was exactly the same.

Hi Jenkins95,

OP - Sorry to interrupt this thread, but please could you PM me Jenkins95? You may remember I tried to before, but was unable to? However, something recently happened which would like to talk to you about.

Thanks,

GG

[jenkins95]

Hi Jenkins95,

OP - Sorry to interrupt this thread, but please could you PM me Jenkins95? You may remember I tried to before, but was unable to? However, something recently happened which would like to talk to you about.

Thanks,

GG

 

Hi (((GG)))

 

Sorry you have not been able to contact me by PM. I disabled PM because certain conversations were making me uncomfortable and a few PMs had really upset me. But it seems like you are very keen to get my opinion on something, so I have temporarily re-enabled it again! It would be an honour to be able to help.

 

I do hope you are OK.

 

I hope you are OK too SuperL?

 

Have a nice weekend all!

[pheonixrisen]

No, that's not what I asked. Why can't anyone just answer my questions?

 

Yes, I'm in the early stages of recovery where I sometimes hope for a different outcome. But I'm not stupid either. I know why he made the choice to go back. I know I was #2. I get it. I am moving forward with the knowledge that it's over. But every now and again, I stumble and my thoughts betray me.

 

I feel like I'm being kicked when I'm down.

 

I am not saying this to be harsh when you are down.

 

You are hoping it does not work out...or if it does not work out will he walk away hopefully towards you.

 

My 2 cents

You guys had that chance together for one year .he has lived that life with you and then consciously chose not to file for divorce and then go back to reconcile .

Logically

If for some reason the reconciliation does not work

And even if he reaches out to you and that's an if it will not be for a permanent basis with you.he will eventually move on to someone else .

 

I asked my h a similar question ...if I realised after trying that this was not for me and that i could not reconcile would he the go back to the ow .he said whether i was in his life or not he would never marry the ow or be with her.

Similarly as a bs (And I know this question was not asked)

If I were to leave my marriage or we were to seperate after which I would be okay when any woman who becomes my h partner after that.i would welcome her into my child's/children life with no hesitation ..i would not allow an ow the same courtesy in fact my h would need to fight me tooth and nail to be part of my children life. If he ended up with ow because I would not want them around the ow .

 

In case it gets mentioned here i hold my h 100 percent responsible for affair no blame on ow

[Poppy47]

It's been about 6 weeks of NC with my xMM and I feel like I've been run over by a bulldozer. I can't stop obsessing about his decision to reconcile with his wife. The pain of rejection is unbearable at times.

 

(My story is posted here...2 years together as a couple, him legally separated during that time...then he gets cold feet and moves back home for the kids all the while, staying friends/EA with me until he decides to make one last attempt with his wife.)

 

A question for waywards (or anyone with some insight) who decided to try and makes things work with their spouses...if you knew that your connection/bond/compatabilities with your AP were stronger, would you still choose to stay with someone who wasn't that to you? Would you choose a life less lived for the sake of kids/money/fear?

 

Yes I would. My child would come before any thing or anybody.

 

I can't comment on your xAP as I don't know him.

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

I don't want the weak, lying, cowardly, conflict avoidant, indecisive man back. I want the sweet, gentle, caring man who was my best friend back. I miss that person terribly.

 

I know its not logical or rational. And I know it will pass. But in those moments when the pain is intolerable, I grasp for hope wherever I can find it.

 

ARen't you glad that he left when he did and not later when perhaps you had a child together?

 

This way, you have a clean start and can leave him to his wife to deal with.

Feeling so sorry you have been through such a rough patch. It's tough when life twists and turns unexpectedly.

Warm wishes,

Poppy.

[Superluminal]

So, after about 8 months of reconcilliation with his wife, MM reached out to me and requested I meet with him. I initially refused but he said it was important to him. We had absolutely no contact with each since he went back to his wife except for the occasional work exchanges.

 

I reluctantly agreed.

 

He said he had come to realize that his marriage was unsalvagable and that he was done. He told his wife he was leaving and was in the process of looking for an apartment. He went into a long rant about how miserable he was and how he felt misunderstood...blah, blah, blah.

 

We kept in contact while he was looking for an apartment. He finally told me that he still loved me and hoped that we could be together. I was happy but guarded. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I had spent a lot of energy to get over him and had actually started dating in those 8 months that he was back with his wife. I was doing good in my recovery!

 

Well...it was a good thing that I kept my emotional distance cause as soon as it came time to sign the lease...he changed his mind. Said he was not the type of person to leave his kids (they're 15 and 19). While I was a bit hurt, I actually felt relieved that this roller coaster was finally over. I realized then that no matter what...he's never going to leave his marriage.

 

Now if I could just figure out how to recover fully while working at the same company as him without feeling like I have to monitor my movements all day to avoid him. Any suggestions? Aside from looking for a new job...which I'm considering.

[Alostsoul]

So, after about 8 months of reconcilliation with his wife, MM reached out to me and requested I meet with him. I initially refused but he said it was important to him. We had absolutely no contact with each since he went back to his wife except for the occasional work exchanges.

 

I reluctantly agreed.

 

He said he had come to realize that his marriage was unsalvagable and that he was done. He told his wife he was leaving and was in the process of looking for an apartment. He went into a long rant about how miserable he was and how he felt misunderstood...blah, blah, blah.

 

We kept in contact while he was looking for an apartment. He finally told me that he still loved me and hoped that we could be together. I was happy but guarded. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I had spent a lot of energy to get over him and had actually started dating in those 8 months that he was back with his wife. I was doing good in my recovery!

 

Well...it was a good thing that I kept my emotional distance cause as soon as it came time to sign the lease...he changed his mind. Said he was not the type of person to leave his kids (they're 15 and 19). While I was a bit hurt, I actually felt relieved that this roller coaster was finally over. I realized then that no matter what...he's never going to leave his marriage.

 

Now if I could just figure out how to recover fully while working at the same company as him without feeling like I have to monitor my movements all day to avoid him. Any suggestions? Aside from looking for a new job...which I'm considering.

 

Well since you are doing so well in your recovery I would say block his number, block his email, Facebook etc and move on. You deserve better than him. You deserve someone who is wholeheartedly committed to you and you only. No messing about. At work be civil but I wouldn’t talk to him for long. Be strong and show him that you have moved on. But yeah I would still look for another job to. Wishing you all the best!

[jah526]

Did you continually monitor your movements during the 8 months he was reconciling? I work with mine and over the past year have figured out routes to take to avoid him. So far it’s worked. He’s gotten the message I don’t want to interact with him. Also I believe he may have someone else on the hook now. Ideally I would find another job, have tried but not succeeded so far.

 

I’m curious whether these guys who cheat are all the same type. Maybe they’re actually less likely to get divorced than men who don’t cheat because they are simply too indecisive to take a bold step. I dunno, just pondering...

[Superluminal]

I've posted my story before here on LS. Quick summary: 6 year relationship that started out as dating while he was separated that evolved into an affair when he went back to his wife. He kept promising he would leave but never did. Finally went NC. MM came back into my life after trying for ~8 months to reconcile with his wife. He reached out to me to tell me that the reconcilliation was unsuccessful and that he was leaving her. Long story short...when it was time to sign the lease on his new apartment, he changed his mind. Said he couldn't bear the thought on not living with his kids full time and felt it was his responsibility to create a stable household. Thankfully I didn't get too emotionally connected this last time as I knew the odds weren't in my favour.

 

He told me he loves me and never stopped loving me. I believe him.

 

When I asked him if he ever told his wife that he loves me, he said no.

 

Why? Why wouldn't he tell her about his feelings for me?

Edited November 7, 2018 by Superluminal
Corrected a spelling mistake.

[FMW]

Why would he?

[Artdeco]

Because he has to live with her. Provided what he says is the truth, it’d be dumb if he told her that. That would create a very unpleasant environment in the home, as well as a lot of conflict. He would also hurt her feelings by saying that. Why would he do that, to her and to himself, if what he decided is to move back into the marital home?

[Superluminal]

Makes sense Artdeco.

 

But I thought being open and honest about our relationship and his feelings towards me during their reconcilliation was important to the process? Wouldn't she want to know the truth? So she knows what she's dealing with?

 

When my ex-h told me he was in love with his AP, it made a huge difference when it came time to decide whether or not to fight for our marriage or let it go.

 

I just hate that she thinks I was a fling or some mid-life crisis phase.

[Superluminal]

He didn't tell her because he wants to be with her.

 

That's why he's really never left her.

 

I hope you move forward... six years is a long time to waste on him!

 

You deserve so much better!

 

After his final attempt to leave, I know that he'll never leave. And in a weird way, I feel relieved. Cause now, I can move forward wirh my life without the constant worry and anxiety of his indecisiveness.

 

Funny though...when I told him that it's best of we go NC, he asked if we could still check in with each other. And that he'd always be there for me if I needed him. WTF?! Unbelievable.

[Artdeco]

Makes sense Artdeco.

 

But I thought being open and honest about our relationship and his feelings towards me during their reconcilliation was important to the process? Wouldn't she want to know the truth? So she knows what she's dealing with?

 

When my ex-h told me he was in love with his AP, it made a huge difference when it came time to decide whether or not to fight for our marriage or let it go.

 

I just hate that she thinks I was a fling or some mid-life crisis phase.

 

Yes, that’s probably what he tells her though.

In an ideal world, if you want to truly work on your M and make it better, you tell the full truth. Even if it’s painful. I believe that only full transparency esp after a crisis creates the proper environment that forces a couple to work together and move forward as a team with equal power and a solid basis with a fair balance. Most of the time it doesn’t happen that way, though. The A is downplayed and since it’s painful and embarrassing for the WS, they’d rather make it go away, downplay it, and avoid mentioning it ever again. Conflict is unpleasant. Appeasing the BS is MUCH easier.

[Lotus_Luna]

I downplayed my affair.

 

I wanted to move forward and I felt that being honest would only hurt my husband more.

 

Did he really need to know I loved the other man? That the way he touched mehaunted my memories? That when we had sex I would think of OM?

 

No

 

Blanket statement were affective at explaining my emotional disconnection. But details were going to help anybody sleep better at night.

[Artdeco]

After his final attempt to leave, I know that he'll never leave. And in a weird way, I feel relieved. Cause now, I can move forward wirh my life without the constant worry and anxiety of his indecisiveness.

 

Funny though...when I told him that it's best of we go NC, he asked if we could still check in with each other. And that he'd always be there for me if I needed him. WTF?! Unbelievable.

 

Oh sure. Makes perfect sense. After all, you’ve been in each other’s lives for a long time, and he definitely feels some guilt towards you.

[Marc878]

You are living on a hopium addiction

[ABernie]

I love my AP, but I would never tell my STBXH. I don't want to hurt him. But I'm not reconciling.

[stillafool]

 

Why? Why wouldn't he tell her about his feelings for me?

 

My guess is because he still loves her and knows that would put the nail in the coffin and he doesn't want to close the door because he knows he doesn't want to let her go.

 

What excuse did he give you for not telling her?

[stillafool]

 

Funny though...when I told him that it's best of we go NC, he asked if we could still check in with each other. And that he'd always be there for me if I needed him. WTF?! Unbelievable.

 

Did you tell him no?

[Superluminal]

 

What excuse did he give you for not telling her?

 

He didn't give me an excuse. When I asked, he just shrugged his shoulders. He does that when he doesn't want to answer my questions. Just shuts it down.

[bathtub-row]

This is one big, fat tangled web and you're contributing to it. This man doesn't want to leave his children because they're the most important thing to him. If you really care about him, you'd stop being the one who's putting a wedge between him and his family. I know you don't see it that way because he's the one who's betraying his marriage but, the truth is, if you would step completely out of this picture, the security of his family would be at less of a risk.

 

He will never, ever be completely happy having left his marriage because of his children. And I think that's understandable. I have a family member who has made the same decision. He's in a lousy marriage but refuses to walk away from his kids. He's waiting until they're grown and then he plans to leave. This is a huge deal to your ex and you'd help alleviate all the confusion by just walking away. Aside from what it's doing to his family, think about what it's doing to you and your life. You're wasting so much precious time on this dead end relationship.

 

I'm sure your ex loves you but, contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all and it doesn't move mountains.

[BaileyB]

Absolutely. If he has chosen to stay with his wife, for the children, you should remove yourself from the situation and encourage him to be the father that he wants to be. That is the kind of selfless act that we do when we truly love someone - we do what is best for them, even if it may not be best for you.

 

Although, given the on-again off-again nature of this relationship, I have to believe it is in your best interest to let it go. This man clearly does not know where he wants to be and I would not trust for a minute that if he “chose” you, he would not do exactly what he is currently doing and go back to his wife and family.

 

As to why he hasn’t told his wife that he loves you... He has decided to reconcile and reunite his family - why in the world would he say/do something that would threaten his relationships? Given the fact that they have already made the decision to stay together, it is respectful to his wife and his children not to flaunt another relationship that would be hurtful to their future happiness. In other words, he has nothing to gain and literally everything to lose by telling his wife that he loves you...

Edited November 8, 2018 by BaileyB