Why didn't he tell his wife he loved me?

[elaine567]

I guess enough is enough, you gave it your best shot.

Not meant to be.

YOU could hang on in there for years - waiting - and he just carries on with his life as normal...

You sacrifice everything, he sacrifices nothing.

[Superluminal]

From your earlier post:

 

 

 

This doesn't quite make sense. Do you know this from him telling you this, or from other sources. Do you really believe he discussed her with you, but never discussed you with her?

 

Yes, that's what he told me. I once asked if they talk about me at home. He said no.

 

To be honest (and assuming he's telling the truth), I'm curious why they didn't talk about me? I would think that she would be grilling him about me. I did when I found out about my xH's AP.

[Superluminal]

OP can't wait untill he makes his choice. He has already made his choice. Tha is obvious to me as the average man. Watch his actions and don't listen to his words. He's very adept at lying to you, but his actions of not separating, going on vacation somewhere with her (and kids?) are not the actions of someone who loves and cherishes you. Actions more often tell the truth about the state of relationship, and his are all directed to BW.

 

Besides, the longer you hang out pining for him, the less likely you are to find a compatible love interest. If that's something you think you'd like. and you might discover you have an embarrassing blank spot in your resume.

 

In short, what is the upside of waiting around for him?

 

I'm not waiting anymore. That's the subject of my whole post.

 

And you're correct...actions speak louder than words. I was very aware of this during the last two years of our relationship. I just chose to ignore it. At the core of our relationship, we were great friends. Same taste in movies and tv, politics, religion...etc. I truly enjoyed his company. That's one of the reasons why I held on for so long. And I think that's what I'll miss the most.

[Origin]

Yes, that's what he told me. I once asked if they talk about me at home. He said no.

 

To be honest (and assuming he's telling the truth), I'm curious why they didn't talk about me? I would think that she would be grilling him about me. I did when I found out about my xH's AP.

 

From my personal experience, the girl i was having an affair with, was telling her fiance at the time that we were NOT talking, however we fully were, we never stopped. She told me that they don't talk a lot abut me but when i met with him face to face and the few times we spoke on the phone, it was clear that was far from the truth.

[Hip Pocket]

Yes, that's what he told me. I once asked if they talk about me at home. He said no.

 

To be honest (and assuming he's telling the truth), I'm curious why they didn't talk about me? I would think that she would be grilling him about me. I did when I found out about my xH's AP.

 

Some couples talk, some don't. Lack of communication often results in dynamics leading to affairs. Sometimes it's conflict avoidance and sometimes it's choosing to believe in a delusion because the truth hurts too much.

[Superluminal]

So, with much thought and in consideration of the great advice from everyone (thanks all!)...I replied to his email. I wished him well.

 

But I really need to hear what he has to say. I agreed to talk wiith him. Some part of me needs to let him know I'm disappointed and hurt. I need our last conversation to be one where he doesn't get to be the good guy, which I know is his intent.

[Hip Pocket]

So, with much thought and in consideration of the great advice from everyone (thanks all!)...I replied to his email. I wished him well.

 

But I really need to hear what he has to say. I agreed to talk wiith him. Some part of me needs to let him know I'm disappointed and hurt. I need our last conversation to be one where he doesn't get to be the good guy, which I know is his intent.

 

Superluminal, let's look at this from his POV. If he's seriously in his mind trying to do the right thing then he likely sees himself as the good guy, or trying to be. He likely feels horribly that he's hurt you in all of this which is why he'd like to have a discussion. That tells me he is a good guy as well.

 

Let's not hate men simply because they didn't choose us. And let's not berate people for having affairs when really we're just trying to figure out where we are happiest. He's trying, and he wants to explain himself to you. I think that's admirable.

[Superluminal]

Superluminal, let's look at this from his POV. If he's seriously in his mind trying to do the right thing then he likely sees himself as the good guy, or trying to be. He likely feels horribly that he's hurt you in all of this which is why he'd like to have a discussion. That tells me he is a good guy as well.

 

Let's not hate men simply because they didn't choose us. And let's not berate people for having affairs when really we're just trying to figure out where we are happiest. He's trying, and he wants to explain himself to you. I think that's admirable.

 

Maybe...I don't know. Admirable isn't the word that comes to my mind. I still believe it's a selfish request on his part to want to discuss it further. His wife will get many opportunities to tell him how much he hurt her. And he'll spend time and energy trying to make amends to her. But not me. I get nothing. This will be my only chance to make my peace with him. Once and for all.

 

Clearly I'm having a bad day today.

[Hip Pocket]

Maybe...I don't know. Admirable isn't the word that comes to my mind. I still believe it's a selfish request on his part to want to discuss it further. His wife will get many opportunities to tell him how much he hurt her. And he'll spend time and energy trying to make amends to her. But not me. I get nothing. This will be my only chance to make my peace with him. Once and for all.

 

Clearly I'm having a bad day today.

 

I totally get why you're having a bad day. I'm just glad he's willing to explain what's going on. I do hope it's a healthy and productive talk for you.,

[pheonixrisen]

Maybe...I don't know. Admirable isn't the word that comes to my mind. I still believe it's a selfish request on his part to want to discuss it further. His wife will get many opportunities to tell him how much he hurt her. And he'll spend time and energy trying to make amends to her. But not me. I get nothing. This will be my only chance to make my peace with him. Once and for all.

 

Clearly I'm having a bad day today.

 

Op in the beginning of the post you clearly stated the mm day he was not in reconciliation just thier for the kids ...we said bull**** ..and that got proven in time when he said he is in reconciliation after all .

 

Why will make you crazy it could be a 100 things and nothing to do with you .the simple fact is he had trouble in his marriage he look outside of it to fulfill what he needs .he did not see the separation or divorce through .period .

 

You should not want to give him another chance at explanation because it's established cheaters are extremely good at making all sorts of stories and excuses for their agenda and they believe what they are saying that you start to believe it too .

 

Don't give him the pleasure to see you suffered his actions .honestly nothing good comes out of this last meeting wanting to know why ...it will just create a 100 more questions in your mind .

Lift your head high..tell him to go **** himself you are nobody fool .

 

Pocket :seriously your whole living the dream is based on a lot of assumptions and stories you have had to accept because your mm is still very much married and will not leave his wife what are you to do but accept and build your life around that acceptance .similar likes do not make a relationship similar beliefs do .

So live your dream till you are able too ...some day /one day it comes crashing down a 3 people relationship only works when all 3 people give their consent. You don't believe in labels and marriage and he is actually married that it self is one big difference .this works till you are available the house of card comes down when you ask for more ...try it ....nothing is wrong when you deeply love a man and want him only for yourself instead of sharing him with ow .(you could and should atleast have that after a decade of dedication to him ....but sure you are living your dream .

[sandylee1]

I'd say reconciliation began when he went back home. He's just telling you that now.

 

With children involved and with that being the alleged reason he went home, why did you think anything was going to change? Or were you just happy to continue being his secret while he lived with the family?

 

You have decided to meet him and get your closure.

 

Take the opportunity to move on with your life.

[Superluminal]

I'd say reconciliation began when he went back home. He's just telling you that now.

 

With children involved and with that being the alleged reason he went home, why did you think anything was going to change? Or were you just happy to continue being his secret while he lived with the family?

 

You have decided to meet him and get your closure.

 

Take the opportunity to move on with your life.

 

Maybe, maybe not. I'll never know for sure. The only evidence I have is an email that the BS sent me about year ago. In this email, she shaid that she hopes her WS will choose to do life with her and not just need to be there for his kids. I guess that could be interpreted that they were not in an active reconciliation. Grasping at straws here....i know.

 

Was i happy? Yes and no. I was happy that we were still friends. I really enjoyed his company ( being an introvert and finding it very difficult to make any meaningful connections with other human beings). But I also knew it was holding him back from reconciliation since I had told him numerous times that we couldn't be friends once he made that decision. I had many sleepless nights over this...and many well-meaning conversations about this with him that he continually shut down as soon as they started.

[minimariah]

MMs don't actually work on their marriages --- they tell themselves (and others) that they do with one goal: to make THEMSELVES feel a little better (now... there are exceptions, that confirm the rule). so there is nothing admirable and honourable about a MM who quits the A to work on his marriage - that's a result of his egoism & his need to be able to tell himself (later on) that he gave his best, did the best he could and so on... this happens very often during the A - SOMEONE has this sudden need to work on their marriage. usually, they're back to their AP couple of months later with the "well, i tried! now i'm SURE there is nothing there!" final conclusion. it's nothing more than covering up their guilt and getting rid of their share of responsibility for the failed marriage - they sometimes even congratulate themselves on making the actual time for alleged reconciliation. this is ESPECIALLY common with the kids involved because, with the paradoxal reconciliation, they can look their kids in the eyes and tell them they've tried their best. they didn't.

 

VERY RARELY do MMs honestly work on their marriage. if they knew how to work on the marriage and how to handle a marital relationship, they wouldn't have the A in the 1st place because they'd never allow their M to get to that point - they'd simply proceed to divorce. now THAT is admirable, respectful and honourable.

Edited August 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jenkins95]

MMs don't actually work on their marriages --- they tell themselves (and others) that they do with one goal: to make THEMSELVES feel a little better (now... there are exceptions, that confirm the rule). so there is nothing admirable and honourable about a MM who quits the A to work on his marriage - that's a result of his egoism & his need to be able to tell himself (later on) that he gave his best, did the best he could and so on... this happens very often during the A - SOMEONE has this sudden need to work on their marriage. usually, they're back to their AP couple of months later with the "well, i tried! now i'm SURE there is nothing there!" final conclusion. it's nothing more than covering up their guilt and getting rid of their share of responsibility for the failed marriage - they sometimes even congratulate themselves on making the actual time for alleged reconciliation. this is ESPECIALLY common with the kids involved because, with the paradoxal reconciliation, they can look their kids in the eyes and tell them they've tried their best. they didn't.

 

VERY RARELY do MMs honestly work on their marriage. if they knew how to work on the marriage and how to handle a marital relationship, they wouldn't have the A in the 1st place because they'd never allow their M to get to that point - they'd simply proceed to divorce. now THAT is admirable, respectful and honourable.

 

Wow, what a brilliant post Mariah. And you are right, we very often see affairs resume with the WS using the "well, I tried my best" excuse. People don't want to be the bad guy, they want their family, friends, etc to know they "tried everything" before ending the marriage (and getting together with their AP!). For some this may be a calculated, conscious move, but for many I suspect it is happening at a subconscious level.

 

I think we may be seeing a little of this in lostintheuk's thread. She says things like "I need to give 100% to my husband", but then reading between the lines, she gives the impression that she's already given up. When she wrote recently about a recent date she had with H that went well but, disappointingly, didn't lead to sex, she writes about that as though it confirms that the marriage isn't working. Her negativity is latching on to anything that isn't positive and is perpetuating her thoughts that the marriage is hopeless. They are effectively becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. She expects something to happen that's not perfect, and when it does it becomes similar to "there you go, I told you so!"

 

lost, if you are reading this post, please read Mariah's post over and over again and try to relate it to your situation. I'm not saying for one minute that you are consciously giving up, but perhaps at a subconscious level you might have. I believe that you don't yet have children, so there would never be an easier time to end the marriage than right now if you have completely checked out of the marriage. Be honest to yourself about this. If you genuinely want to reconcile, then work hard and accept that things won't become perfect straight away, especially where your heart is right now. R can work if you are 100% committed and in.

 

I admit that at the end of my A, I didn't really know what I wanted as my head was all over the place. But I did at least know that I wanted to want the marriage if that makes any sense. Having that second order desire was enough for me to commit to R and give 100%. I'm so glad I did and it's going well......but it's very hard work. If the WS isn't prepared to put in very hard work permanently, then again, it's likely doomed.

 

Thanks for this Mariah. All waywards should read your post and try to assess its message honestly in the context of their own marriage/affair.

Edited August 21, 2017 by jenkins95

[minimariah]

jenkins!

 

you seem to be one of those few guys who are trying to be honest with themselves and who is ready to work on himself - i REALLY admire and respect that. you're a good guy and i wish you luck, no matter where life takes you. just wanted to let you know.

[jenkins95]

jenkins!

 

you seem to be one of those few guys who are trying to be honest with themselves and who is ready to work on himself - i REALLY admire and respect that. you're a good guy and i wish you luck, no matter where life takes you. just wanted to let you know.

 

Thank you (((Mariah))). This means so much coming from a member like you who I have always respected and from whose posts I have learned so much! You have supported me from the start (I think you posted on my very first thread!) and such kindness is not easily forgotten. You have always given a no nonsense, realistic persective, based on your own experiences, which I value so greatly. You are such a wise, supportive poster and you are not afraid to rock the boat if you have to! This is just what we need! Please stay with us and continue supporting us with your great posts Mariah!

Edited August 21, 2017 by jenkins95

[Superluminal]

It seems that some of the posts were deleted. I hope I didn't say something wrong.

 

This is a very interesting discussion. I never considered that reconciliation could be for a purpose other than repairing a marriage. How unfair for the spouse who believes otherwise.

 

My own experience with my xH and reconciliation was dismal. 3 weeks in, he decided he'd rather try and make it work with his AP than me. I wasn't going to wait for him to decide so I decided for him and filed for divorce. A few years later they got married so clearly it was a success for them.

 

My MM's attitude towards his reconciliation seems to be as Mariah suggested. I've heard him say those words exactly, "...then I'll know for sure it's not going to work".

 

Unfortunately, both my MM and I were too busy to talk today so we'll try again tomorrow.

[somanymistakes]

If they "know for sure it's not going to work" do they ever then actually get on with the divorce?

[Superluminal]

If they "know for sure it's not going to work" do they ever then actually get on with the divorce?

 

Of the 10 marriages that I know of that were affected by infidelity, 8 ended in divorce. Most are still with their APs.

[Hip Pocket]

Of the 10 marriages that I know of that were affected by infidelity, 8 ended in divorce. Most are still with their APs.

 

Just google the D rate in your area and you'll verify your personal experience.

 

My dad left for the OW.

My brother's W left him for the MOM.

My nephew was the OM but is now the happily M H to his fMW now W. Two of my friends IRL were once OW and are now M to their fMMs and there's a slew of internet friends who are now with fMP who are now D and in full time Rs with them. Some M and some living together. There are plenty of happy endings post affair.

[jenkins95]

There are plenty of happy endings post affair.

 

Maybe, but probably not "happy" for everyone concerned.

[minimariah]

Just google the D rate in your area and you'll verify your personal experience.

 

eerrr... the D rates for 2nd & 3rd marriages are even HIGHER - 1st marriages actually have the best odds. meaning, most postaffair marriages (2nd and 3rd) fail - the evidence is right there, in the stats.

 

 

Of the 10 marriages that I know of that were affected by infidelity, 8 ended in divorce. Most are still with their APs.

 

to be the devil's advocate - out of about 30 infidelity affected marriages i closely followed (through about 10 years) 27 ended. none of them are still with their APs, a decade later.

 

you tend to think that, what you see around you, is correct, the truth and that's how it's in GENERAL. it isn't. there are a lot of marriages out there affected by the infidelity that you don't know about - NOT getting a divorce. they keep their business to themselves so you'd never know - again... your PERSONAL experience does not count. if i went by my experience and by what i see around ME - married people do not leave and when they do, most of the time, they move on from their APs. obviously, someone else will have an entirely different experience - like the OP, who sees couples mostly moving on and staying with their APs. so... AGAIN. stats. not anecdotal evidence.

Edited August 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[minimariah]

This is a very interesting discussion. I never considered that reconciliation could be for a purpose other than repairing a marriage. How unfair for the spouse who believes otherwise.

 

most go the reconciliation route and restart the A while making the spouse believe they fixed the marriage or are fixing it... it becomes very easy for people who lie big time on daily basis. so deluding the spouse even deeper is not a big deal to them - reconciling is very rarely about the spouse or the marriage, it's about the married person who's having the A.

 

a simple ego boost - that's about it. something to make themselves feel better since they cannot hold onto any other moral values - they hold onto making it work and giving it a chance one more time... respectfully and honourably )

 

MMs mostly come back. give it a couple of months.

[Superluminal]

So my MM and I had our talk. He felt he needed to explain his decision to reconcile.

 

He said that he knew he had to either stay or leave but decided that he couldn't leave until he knew there was absolutely no chance of being happy in his marriage. He didn't set a time limit but said that he would continue working on his marriage until he felt sure, either way. He has already decided that if it's over, he'll live alone for awhile.

 

He then told me I'm an amazing person and the best friend he's ever had. And wish we had done things differently so that we might still be together today.

 

I agreed with him. I wish things had gone differently. I told him that I knew he had lied about many things over the years but that I wasn't mad at him for it for I had chosen to stay in the relationship...every minute of every day. I'm mad at myself. And that's the truth.

 

Time to move on...

[BTDT2012]

Of the 10 marriages that I know of that were affected by infidelity, 8 ended in divorce. Most are still with their APs.

 

I know of eight marriages that were affected by infidelity. Six are still together. The other two eventually married their AP's. One is currently cheating on his wife, the other is on such a tight leash that he can't go anywhere without his wife.