Why didn't he tell his wife he loved me?

[stillafool]

 

Funny though...when I told him that it's best of we go NC, he asked if we could still check in with each other. And that he'd always be there for me if I needed him. WTF?! Unbelievable.

 

Did you tell him no?

[Superluminal]

 

What excuse did he give you for not telling her?

 

He didn't give me an excuse. When I asked, he just shrugged his shoulders. He does that when he doesn't want to answer my questions. Just shuts it down.

[bathtub-row]

This is one big, fat tangled web and you're contributing to it. This man doesn't want to leave his children because they're the most important thing to him. If you really care about him, you'd stop being the one who's putting a wedge between him and his family. I know you don't see it that way because he's the one who's betraying his marriage but, the truth is, if you would step completely out of this picture, the security of his family would be at less of a risk.

 

He will never, ever be completely happy having left his marriage because of his children. And I think that's understandable. I have a family member who has made the same decision. He's in a lousy marriage but refuses to walk away from his kids. He's waiting until they're grown and then he plans to leave. This is a huge deal to your ex and you'd help alleviate all the confusion by just walking away. Aside from what it's doing to his family, think about what it's doing to you and your life. You're wasting so much precious time on this dead end relationship.

 

I'm sure your ex loves you but, contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all and it doesn't move mountains.

[BaileyB]

Absolutely. If he has chosen to stay with his wife, for the children, you should remove yourself from the situation and encourage him to be the father that he wants to be. That is the kind of selfless act that we do when we truly love someone - we do what is best for them, even if it may not be best for you.

 

Although, given the on-again off-again nature of this relationship, I have to believe it is in your best interest to let it go. This man clearly does not know where he wants to be and I would not trust for a minute that if he “chose” you, he would not do exactly what he is currently doing and go back to his wife and family.

 

As to why he hasn’t told his wife that he loves you... He has decided to reconcile and reunite his family - why in the world would he say/do something that would threaten his relationships? Given the fact that they have already made the decision to stay together, it is respectful to his wife and his children not to flaunt another relationship that would be hurtful to their future happiness. In other words, he has nothing to gain and literally everything to lose by telling his wife that he loves you...

Edited November 8, 2018 by BaileyB

[S2B]

And he's a liar. Any man that's really miserable files for divorce and moves out.

 

Please don't date any new men until you have evidence that they aren't married.

 

 

Many, many men who ask me out are VERY much married - but pretend to be single.

 

I am a good listener in a first date. I ask enough questions to know where they were born, where they've lived etc - so I can do a back ground search when I get home. Spending $50 to find out what I need to know has turned up at least 75% married men pretending to be single.

 

Pay attention - you can help yourself in the future.

[jah526]

Spending $50 to find out what I need to know has turned up at least 75% married men pretending to be single.

 

Wow, that is a staggering statistic. Why do these guys bother getting married at all? I don't get it.

[S2B]

Wow, that is a staggering statistic. Why do these guys bother getting married at all? I don't get it.

 

Must be because they figure they can fool single women...especially if they travel a lot for work.

 

It's different when people (family) don't expect the hubby/dad to be home a lot... I guess they figure they can date while they are away.

 

 

One guy told me he lives in the hotel here...and travels back to Chicago every week to care for his elderly parents ? I responded with "sounds like a married guy". No response...just changed the subject.sure enough his address showed a woman at the same address as him and him as married.

 

 

You gotta dig...to find what's real. It's a time waster for sure - but I'm not settling for married! Especially when they lie!

[elaine567]

Many MM "love" their OW, but is it the type of love that moves mountains, that makes for building a strong relationship, that trumps the love for his wife and the love of his children and the maintenance of his life as he knows it?

Usually no.

 

He may love his OW passionately and ardently, but relatively and comparatively the "love" for the OW is "second rate", the OW is his #2 and as such when asked to choose, he chooses #1.

 

This man is reconciling with his wife, and that is the important part for him, he doesn't want to ruin that by admitting he loves his OW, if indeed that is actually true.

ILY is very easy to say and some MM I guess do not really love their OW, not in the true meaning of the word anyway. They fabricate a love story, as how else can they be sure she will stick around. Women they know are suckers for love...

Love and its pursuit is the undoing of many women.

[Scarlet2]

Any man that's really miserable files for divorce and moves out.

 

Not always true. They’re cowards. Even after the kids move out, they stay because they’re too scared to disrupt the status quo. They want the wife to be the one to file for divorce, they want the AP to blow up their world and be the bunny boiler to make the wife divorce, they want their hands clean. That’s why they start A’s because they can’t end any relationship they are in, someone else has to do it for them.

 

Mine has said so many times on church videos in front of his wife how there’s no one he would die for like Jesus did, not his wife, not his kids, not his parents, and how he begs all the time for Jesus to take him home. He’s that miserable that he would rather die than to just get divorced and go live the life he wants. Doesn’t even matter that he doesn’t want a life with me, he’s not going to make the steps to get a new life, just going to continue where he’s at until death arrives.

[elaine567]

Not always true. They’re cowards. Even after the kids move out, they stay because they’re too scared to disrupt the status quo.

..and many like the status quo too, they like all the other stuff that goes with married life.

Yes they may "hate" the wife, but can often put up with that aspect of their life if they have a lover on the side.

They often just want a supplement not a replacement.

A replacement costs them money and increases the aggro factor, juggling warring women after as divorce can be a nightmare too.

Best to stay cosy and safe at home and sneak out the back door every now and again for some extra warmth and sex.

[Mrs._December]

Not always true. They’re cowards. Even after the kids move out, they stay because they’re too scared to disrupt the status quo. They want the wife to be the one to file for divorce, they want the AP to blow up their world and be the bunny boiler to make the wife divorce, they want their hands clean. That’s why they start A’s because they can’t end any relationship they are in, someone else has to do it for them.

Quoted for truth.

 

This is one of the biggest reasons why women file for divorce roughly 75% of the time in the US. Not because they're cold, evil, cruel witches, but because they're usually the ones who have the cajones to actually DO it.

 

He told me he loves me and never stopped loving me. I believe him.

 

When I asked him if he ever told his wife that he loves me, he said no.

 

Why? Why wouldn't he tell her about his feelings for me?

One needs only to read some of the more popular infidelity boards out there to see the utter bull-crap a BS is willing to believe when they want so badly to stay with their cheater. One of the biggest lies these guys TELL their betrayed wives is that the OW meant nothing to them, they're 'disgusted' at what they've done, they get 'sick' just thinking about the OW, and that they were in a 'fog' and not thinking clearly. Most of these BS's fall for this nonsense every single time. But in this thread ALONE, we've had several affair partners talk about how they really loved their affair partner but wouldn't admit it to their BS, so it would be horribly naive to think that they're the only ones who held this info back. I think most cheaters withhold the actual truth from their BS - especially when reconciling.

 

Yours is no different. Everything he DOES is designed to benefit himself. Not you, not his wife, not his kids. He does it to benefit himself - and telling his wife he 'loves' you does NOT benefit him so he'll never do it.

 

Best thing you ever DID was wipe this guy out of your life. You've wasted far too much time on him already.

Edited November 8, 2018 by Mrs._December

[stillafool]

Wow, that is a staggering statistic. Why do these guys bother getting married at all? I don't get it.

 

I completely agree. I don't know why cheaters, both men and women, don't stay single and screw everything in sight.

[elaine567]

One needs only to read some of the more popular infidelity boards out there to see the utter bull-crap a BS is willing to believe when they want so badly to stay with their cheater. One of the biggest lies these guys TELL their betrayed wives is that the OW meant nothing to them, they're 'disgusted' at what they've done, they get 'sick' just thinking about the OW, and that they were in a 'fog' and not thinking clearly.

 

 

And that is because the WH is not the only one who will do just about anything to benefit himself, BSs do it too.

They take back the cheater, not only for "love" but because he is their "provider", the guy who pays for their kids, their house... the guy who shares the burden of child rearing, the guy who transforms their OK existence to that of comfort.

Without him they would be lost or at least a lot poorer... so some will swallow the lies, they reconcile, they do it for themselves, they do it for their kids - they are not stupid.

[BaileyB]

And that is because the WH is not the only one who will do just about anything to benefit himself, BSs do it too.

 

Also the OW. As we have said, she inserts herself into a relationship where she does not belong, and even when the writing is on the wall... she hangs on waiting and hoping that she will get his man. His children lose their relationship with their father - it's just collateral damage, unfortunate but a necessary consequence if she is to get what she wants.

 

Everyone is looking out for their own interests in an affair. It's exactly the reason why he doesn't tell his BS that he loves the AP - he has absolutely nothing to gain by doing this, and everything to lose. And, if she has decided to reconcile and take him back... she probably doesn't really want to hear it anyway.

[anika99]

Also the OW. As we have said, she inserts herself into a relationship where she does not belong, and even when the writing is on the wall... she hangs on waiting and hoping that she will get his man. His children lose their relationship with their father - it's just collateral damage, unfortunate but a necessary consequence if she is to get what she wants.

 

Everyone is looking out for their own interests in an affair. It's exactly the reason why he doesn't tell his BS that he loves the AP - he has absolutely nothing to gain by doing this, and everything to lose. And, if she has decided to reconcile and take him back... she probably doesn't really want to hear it anyway.

 

Yes, everyone acts in their own best interests but the betrayed spouse is the only one of the triangle who is not actually in an affair. The BS is not one of the people cheating, lying and sneaking around, yet they pay the biggest price. When an affair ends the cheating spouse and the AP lose nothing, they just get their feelings hurt. When a marriage ends there is a huge amount of damage. Kids get hurt, sometimes they lose their family home, they lose their ability to live with both parents. Extended family members are upset and choose sides, finances and assets are split which causes a loss. Friends are lost, lifestyles change and usually not for the better.

 

So I find it difficult to put a betrayed spouse in the same category as an AP when it comes to hanging onto a cheating MM. If I spent years creating a life and home for my family then I have every right to protect that life when somebody threatens it. I'm not a betrayed spouse and I personally probably wouldn't choose to reconcile with a cheater but I hold no judgement against married people who decide to take that path. Yes it probably means swallowing some crap from the cheater or doing some rug sweeping but they have a lot at stake. Affair partners have nothing invested other than their feelings.

[pepperbird]

..and many like the status quo too, they like all the other stuff that goes with married life.

Yes they may "hate" the wife, but can often put up with that aspect of their life if they have a lover on the side.

They often just want a supplement not a replacement.

A replacement costs them money and increases the aggro factor, juggling warring women after as divorce can be a nightmare too.

Best to stay cosy and safe at home and sneak out the back door every now and again for some extra warmth and sex.

 

 

 

 

My guess?

They don't really hate their wife and life. They just feel entitled to "more".

[Amethyst68]

I think you're fooling yourself if you don't think a large number of BSs approach reconciliation like a business transaction after DDay. I would say most stay because they don't want to split custody (especially if OW is still in the mix) plus why should they have a drop in their standard of living?

 

I think the number of couples who stay together may get higher as the cost of living keeps rising and the cost of running two households gets more prohibitive.

[S2B]

Not always true. They’re cowards. Even after the kids move out, they stay because they’re too scared to disrupt the status quo. They want the wife to be the one to file for divorce, they want the AP to blow up their world and be the bunny boiler to make the wife divorce, they want their hands clean. That’s why they start A’s because they can’t end any relationship they are in, someone else has to do it for them.

 

Mine has said so many times on church videos in front of his wife how there’s no one he would die for like Jesus did, not his wife, not his kids, not his parents, and how he begs all the time for Jesus to take him home. He’s that miserable that he would rather die than to just get divorced and go live the life he wants. Doesn’t even matter that he doesn’t want a life with me, he’s not going to make the steps to get a new life, just going to continue where he’s at until death arrives.

 

Then he's not miserable - just inconvenienced AND selfish!

[BaileyB]

I think you're fooling yourself if you don't think a large number of BSs approach reconciliation like a business transaction after DDay. I would say most stay because they don't want to split custody (especially if OW is still in the mix) plus why should they have a drop in their standard of living?

 

I think the number of couples who stay together may get higher as the cost of living keeps rising and the cost of running two households gets more prohibitive.

 

Probably very true, but what a miserable existence it must be at times.

[BaileyB]

Yes, everyone acts in their own best interests but the betrayed spouse is the only one of the triangle who is not actually in an affair. The BS is not one of the people cheating, lying and sneaking around, yet they pay the biggest price. When an affair ends the cheating spouse and the AP lose nothing, they just get their feelings hurt. When a marriage ends there is a huge amount of damage. Kids get hurt, sometimes they lose their family home, they lose their ability to live with both parents. Extended family members are upset and choose sides, finances and assets are split which causes a loss. Friends are lost, lifestyles change and usually not for the better.

 

So I find it difficult to put a betrayed spouse in the same category as an AP when it comes to hanging onto a cheating MM. If I spent years creating a life and home for my family then I have every right to protect that life when somebody threatens it. I'm not a betrayed spouse and I personally probably wouldn't choose to reconcile with a cheater but I hold no judgement against married people who decide to take that path. Yes it probably means swallowing some crap from the cheater or doing some rug sweeping but they have a lot at stake. Affair partners have nothing invested other than their feelings.

 

I agree with absolutely everything you are saying, as you always have such insightful and thoughtful responses.

 

The sad reality is, everyone has a vested interest in pursuing a specific outcome. I did not mean to compare one to the other, simply to state the obvious that each “participant” has their own agenda and seeks their own best interest, much of the time.

 

I personally would find it very difficult to reconcile in this situation but I can certainly understand why some BS would take back the cheating spouse - to preserve their family life and their standard of living only among some of the reasons why they may chose to make that decision...

[jah526]

I think you're fooling yourself if you don't think a large number of BSs approach reconciliation like a business transaction after DDay. I would say most stay because they don't want to split custody (especially if OW is still in the mix) plus why should they have a drop in their standard of living?

 

I think the number of couples who stay together may get higher as the cost of living keeps rising and the cost of running two households gets more prohibitive.

 

Yep, this is exactly what my mom said to my dad after DDay. She told him she wanted to keep the business relationship going. But I think she'd decided the marriage was dead at that point. Things were never the same after that and they basically lived separate lives under one roof. Was fantastic growing up in that hostile environment.

[Superluminal]

I feel bad for anyone that chooses to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of financial security or the "status quo". Making a decision based on fear or guilt never has a good outcome.

 

But I also understand that in some cases, the pain of leaving far outweighs the pain of staying. So sometimes it's a choice of the "lesser evil".

[DKT3]

I think its important for women to understand that alot of mm have a her and you desire. That means when he is with her, he want TO BE WITH HER and vice versa. This doesn't work if he is honest with both women. I struggle to understand why OW believe that MM is being honest, even if he is a proven liar.

[jah526]

I think its important for women to understand that alot of mm have a her and you desire. That means when he is with her, he want TO BE WITH HER and vice versa. This doesn't work if he is honest with both women. I struggle to understand why OW believe that MM is being honest, even if he is a proven liar.

 

Not sure if this is always true. MM would often text me or play online games with me while he was at home. A few times he texted to ask if I wanted to go somewhere RIGHT NOW. The attention makes it hard not to feel that he’s lavishing it all on you. Everyone has an ego. Something someone said recently made me see it in a different light, which is probably closer to the truth. I think his main impetus was not me as much as it was to escape. Not permanently, just temporarily. He just wanted a little respite from his life of responsibility and worry, and that’s what I represented for him.

[S2B]

I think it's mainly because MM want both women.

 

And for the most part they get to have both as long as both women go along with it.

 

But they both get short changed along the way because - lets face it - he's not two people - and at certain points one or the other (or both) women notice they aren't getting everything they want/deserve.

 

You deserve an honest man that makes only you his TOP priority.

 

This guy isn't respecting you... or his wife.

 

 

And stop feeing sorry for him - he's right where he chooses to be.