buffert Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 (edited) So in short I am wondering what to spend on an engagement ring. I did the google search and didn’t great answers. The longer story. I met my absolute soulmate about a year and half ago. She’s beautiful, caring, genuine and is absolutely fantastic to me. She has kids and I do not. We put off meeting her kids until we were “certain” this would work. She spent many nights driving the hour to me to spend time with me. At times she would get her kids on the bus to school, drive to my place, then go back to get them off the bus just so we could spend a few hours together. Luckily I know I love her and have been able to meet her kids. They are great and I want to spend my life with all of them. I say this just to point out exactly how much she has done for me. We started out as friends for about 6 months and then fell in love. We have been dating for almost a year now. I absolutely love her and want to show my appreciation. I sold my house and moved in with her about a month ago and it’s time to pop the question. I have hinted st what she wants but get the same response “I want you to be happy”. Not much help. I know she just wants to be surprised. We are both 30 years old. She’s probably middle of the road. She’s definitely not high maintenance nor “cheap”. She is an RN and I am an MD. She has 3 kids, I have student loans. We want to be financially stable and loans and kids take a toll. Still We are super fortunate that money really isn’t an issue since we both have great jobs. I have been able to pay my bills and now have about 50k in my savings account. I absolutely love this girl. My dream girl never matched what I feel for her. I have also never been so appreciated or taken care of in my life ever. I want to provide her the world. The first step is the ring. I just don’t know what is realistic to spend. Help is appreciated. Edited November 7, 2018 by buffert 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Guideline #1 only spend what you can afford Guideline #2 educate yourself about the 4Cs: cut, clarity, color & carat. Carat, the size, is actually the least important. Guideline # 3 Shop around & stay out the Mall. Those stores are a rip off. The diamond industry will tell you to spend 2 months salary. That is ridiculous for an MD. Do take into consideration her job & the kind of jewelry you have seen her wear to get a sense of her style. Find something you like that you think she will like & buy that. Don't be cheap but you don't have to go overboard either. She needs to be able to wear this & still do her job. As soon as you buy it, get it added to your homeowner's insurance policy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 (edited) First off, congratulations! It's not about "realistic", it's about what makes sense for your income level and life plans and what feels meaningful to you both. If you're both planning a big purchase in the future she might be annoyed by a lot of money on an engagement ring. If you are in a good place to drop a fair chunk of change and you really want to, do it! You can look up information on regional average ring purchases. My husband spent a bit over $12k on mine, which is much less than 2 months of his salary, but even $12k felt borderline excessive to me, even though it isn't that much more than the regional average where we are. She has said she wants to be surprised, so enlist her friends (and maybe her family, if she's close to them) for help. Try to get a sense of what styles she likes, or doesn't like. If she has a friend who's shopping for engagent or wedding rings try to get them to go together and see if you can get a report back---a lot of my guy friends did it that way. Think about her hands: if she sits on them a lot, a giant rock may not be comfortable. What about her other jewelry? Does she prefer gold to white gold? What is her skin tone like? Does she prefer flashy settings or plain things? My biggest issue was ethical provenance. It meant a lot to me that my husband went the extra mile to find a shop that only sold certified conflict-free Canadian diamonds. I bring this up because it's another issue that might really matter to her, and could alter your price point somewhat. James Allen sells a lot of diamonds online which you can buy loose and have put in a setting. Brilliant Earth has both conflict free and lab-grown diamonds. You can also go with other stones if she prefers. I would just recommend staying away from soft stones like opals or morganite, unless you know she loves those---soft stones don't work for everyday wear. The bottom line is spend what works for you both. This is an emotional investment and only you both can decide what feels right. There is no requirement to get diamonds or spend a fortune if you don't want to. But if you do go for something more expensive, immediately have it appraised and insured for your peace of mind. Edited November 7, 2018 by lana-banana 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I am not sure from what you wrote. Have you asked her to marry you yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I'd take her to a ring shop and browse, get a feel for what she likes and expects. Some women are cool with simple, others need a huge rock. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Does the cost really matter that much? Tbh much of the whole "2 months salary" thing is propagated by the diamond industry (hint: the people that stand to profit from it!) and doesn't actually mean much. I have seen $2k rings that look FAR nicer than $20k rings. And frankly, if my H had bought me a ring that cost 2 months of his salary, I would be terrified to wear it out (and the insurance would be ridiculous!). Instead of focusing on cost, why not focus on figuring out what she LIKES? Ring styles, gem cuts, etc. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nilfiry Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Here are a few options.... $0.25 Take that quarter to the gum-ball machine and try your luck. Totally romantic! FREE if you already have aluminum foil in your house because aluminum foil rings are nice too...and economical! $1.00 for a Titanium Ring. Can be a bit hard to find, but totally findable. Other titanium rings are cheap too (around $10 usually). At least it will last forever. FREE if you go traditional and make it yourself, like....ANCIENT traditional, and use a ring made of reed or hemp. Nothing spells love like personal effort! Why buy into the diamond industry's scam, I would say? Not only are you buying into a tradition started by the diamond industry in the mid 90s, they are also significantly overcharging you just because they can. Save that money for something better, like a remodeled bathroom. Pretty sure anyone would appreciate that MUCH more than a ring that they would probably only ever wear once or until replaced by the wedding band. --This is why I am not getting married any time soon. But seriously, you should take her out shopping, like to the mall or something, and then make an excuse to swing by the jewelry store to take a look at rings. Then, pay close attention to the things that she looks at and use that as a clue. You can also try to strike a conversation to bring up what she likes. If you are lucky, she might even just outright tells you what she likes, and then you can go from there. Just stick to your budget. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Congratulations - few people meet such a wonderful person as it sounds both of you have found in each other :-) Truly, the main thing is that you get her a ring that is symbolically warm to the both of you, regardless of the price. After shopping casually mainly online over two months, in the last month, I just bought an artisan-made (US made, the artisan is a friend of mine) wedding ring, and have priced and prepared orders for two custom rings - her engagement ring and my wedding ring, pending her saying yes. You could consider a custom ring if that is something meaningful to you or her. Since you asked for numbers, sure, here's some numbers... Probably $6000 to $10,000. That is for - engagement ring, and wedding ring for her, and wedding ring for you. So, for the engagement ring alone (the most expensive of the three you'll be buying), something like $3500 to $7500. While shopping for custom rings online, I found some very beautiful rings for $1500 to $2000, and some boring ones for $9,000. Really, really do not consider only the price when buying. I would suggest getting a sense of what style she likes first, then looking at rings in that style. I would not suggest shopping by a price filter. I would also suggest planning yourself to look on 5 to 6 different occasions. Don't plan to go and buy something in 2 or 3 trips. Just look, and think about it later. Something will feel right. Even if you find it on the first trip, keep thinking - if it is the right one, you will remember it after seeing a dozen others and you will come back to it. Also realize, if she says yes, in the next year you will need to budget something like $20,000 - $30,000 cash for the wedding itself, and $5,000 to $7,000 for the honeymoon. So, good job saving that 50K - sincerely. Don't go overboard on just the value of one ring because you're going to have other expenses coming up. Best Wishes, Sunlight 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I find it a little weird that you felt the need to give so much detail about your relationship, when you are just asking how much to spend. What's going on? It's not as if she gets a small ring if she's not so great and gets a big ring otherwise. You have decided to marry her so of course you think she's great. The size of a diamond ring does not represents how the man feels about the woman. It's all about what you can afford and spending habits. It's more pragmatic than how in love you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 $1.00 for a Titanium Ring. Can be a bit hard to find, but totally findable. Other titanium rings are cheap too (around $10 usually). At least it will last forever. Haha, good luck finding a $1 titanium ring! They're cheap, but not that cheap. In all seriousness, we actually considered titanium for our wedding bands. Not because of the price, but because of the symbolism (and they have the coolest modern designs!). Ditched the idea because apparently it is a NIGHTMARE to cut a titanium ring if your finger swells and you need the ring to come off. People have been stuck in the ER suffering overnight waiting for appropriate equipment, whereas any other ring would be easily cut by equipment that hospitals already have handy. Would not recommend! Pretty sure anyone would appreciate that MUCH more than a ring that they would probably only ever wear once or until replaced by the wedding band. Most people I know continue to wear their engagement rings along with their wedding bands, at least sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 (edited) I see what you're saying Gretchen12. I don't think you are feeling what he is feeling. As the man asking, you want to it to be clearly communicated to the woman you are asking how much you love her, that you appreciate what she has achieved in life, and where you both expect to be headed together. At 30, medical careers, children involved - $750 to $900 is too low. How much he loves her, considering both their lives to date, would not be communicated in that price range. On the other end, 2 months salary is asinine and should not be considered in any way when deciding a price range to spend. Edited November 7, 2018 by Sunlight72 Link to post Share on other sites
Nilfiry Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Haha, good luck finding a $1 titanium ring! They're cheap, but not that cheap. I have seen a few on amazon. I am not saying they are top tier quality, mind you. lol Best one was the $0.01 eternity ring with $0.99 shipping. Most people I know continue to wear their engagement rings along with their wedding bands, at least sometimes. But how many of them have remodeled bathrooms that just makes you go, "this is a sweet bathroom," as they soak in the tub? Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 OK, as everyone suggests, it depends on what she wants or doesn't want. But I'm going to be honest and tell you to spend between $4k and ~$6,500. And you may want to look online. Brilliant Earth sells some interesting vintage and vintage-inspired rings; I have experience with Blue Nile being quite decent; and I helped a friend buy a ring from etsy.com, but you HAVE to be careful with that last one. If given a choice, choose quality (color and clarity) over size. And some of the vintage European cuts are amazing quality if you don't mind that cut (which I actually kind of like). Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Since you can afford a really nice ring, get something gorgeous. The ring is forever and you’ll probably regret not going as all out as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I see what you're saying Gretchen12. I don't think you are feeling what he is feeling. As the man asking, you want to it to be clearly communicated to the woman you are asking how much you love her, that you appreciate what she has achieved in life, and where you both expect to be headed together. At 30, medical careers, children involved - $750 to $900 is too low. How much he loves her, considering both their lives to date, would not be communicated in that price range. On the other end, 2 months salary is asinine and should not be considered in any way when deciding a price range to spend. I can't imagine a man about to marry thinking, "meh... I don't love her that much, a cheaper ring will do." When I went to the jeweler to pick out a ring with my fiance, he was just a grad student. It was anything I wanted as long as he doesn't need to borrow money to get it. When you marry, you're ALL in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah_Smiles Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 It shouldn't be as much about cost as it should be about the special moment unless she is very materialistic and wants a huge rock stunner on her finger to wave in others faces just get what you can afford at the moment and you can always upgrade on your anniversary time..if you wanted to. You know your SO, and what she would like, we do not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 It was so wonderful to read this. Makes a refreshing change for sure You sound like an amazing partner which I’m sure your girlfriend really appreciates. Your job is to carry on being an amazing partner, the price of the ring really doesn’t matter. She’s more likely to be focused on your ability to be a suitable step father for her children. The fact that you are and have fully accepted her children will be priceless to her. The rest wont matter. Best of luck, I’m sure you will make the right decision with the ring ... oh and congratulations! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 8, 2018 Share Posted November 8, 2018 You need to go ring shopping together. There are engagement rings and engagement rings, there is a huge choice of styles and fashions change. Whilst I am sure no woman is going to turn down a big rock, if you have gone to all the bother of choosing it for her but you need to be pretty certain of her taste if you want her to wear it a lot. Also it is all about the quality and cut of the diamond(s), you should really read up all about it before you tackle the shops. cut, colour, clarity, and carat weight... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 8, 2018 Share Posted November 8, 2018 Congratulations OP. I would suggest you propose with a gumball machine ring and go shopping with her for the actual rock. How much you spend should depend on the type of woman she is. Practical or showy? Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 After cleaning up some off topic posts I'll remind everyone that the question asked was what to spend on an engagement ring. Not whether or not to marry her. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Nurses spend a lot of time washing their hands. Would she be wearing this ring to work or having to take it off all the time? What kind of woman is she? This would make a difference for me, personally. I wouldn't want a huge rock getting in the way at work every day. However, I do think you should probably spend at least 2-3k on the ring as a minimum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Guideline #1 only spend what you can afford Guideline #2 educate yourself about the 4Cs: cut, clarity, color & carat. Carat, the size, is actually the least important. Guideline # 3 Shop around & stay out the Mall. Those stores are a rip off. The diamond industry will tell you to spend 2 months salary. That is ridiculous for an MD. Do take into consideration her job & the kind of jewelry you have seen her wear to get a sense of her style. Find something you like that you think she will like & buy that. Don't be cheap but you don't have to go overboard either. She needs to be able to wear this & still do her job. As soon as you buy it, get it added to your homeowner's insurance policy. I think it depends on what you and she value. I come from a poor background. My husband comes from a middle class, but thrifty background. For us, two month's salary would seem absolutely ridiculous. He has a great job, and two months' salary could buy a rock too heavy to wear. For others, two months' salary is impossible to save and $100 is a stretch. I look at it this way - an engagement ring is a test. It is a test of how well the guy knows his girl's tastes. What's her favorite color? Does she like expensive stuff or is she easily satisfied? What is financially reasonable? Can he guess her size or find a way to measure it without revealing what is going on? Going shopping for it together kind of defeats the test. Others may disagree, obviously. To me, it seems like going shopping together for the Christmas present you're going to get her - just lacking in class. It also seems to me that a woman demanding an expensive rock (even if the guy can afford it) also lacks class and seems grabby. A piece of jewelry shouldn't cause hardship...and getting married shouldn't be just for people who have money. In my relationship with my husband, our engagement lasted about 40 days. It was pretty sudden, so he didn't have much time to pick the ring out. I have no idea how much it cost....I'm guessing somewhere between $500 and $1000. Not expensive, but exactly the kind of thing I feel comfortable wearing. I'm not a jewelry person, and I seem to damage just about everything. He got one that is pretty much indestructible, and small enough that it doesn't get in my way when I'm working. One tip I've learned - don't buy at fancy stores and don't buy a ring labeled as an engagement ring. If you're getting a rock, get one that is a "birthstone" ring. Diamonds are the birthstone for April. Same design for the ring, but half the price. And you can get them in colors if your girl isn't the diamond type. Not all girls like diamonds! (I like rubies). Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Given the dynamic of your situation, I’d start off small, ~$2K. You can always add and adjust down the road... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Nurses spend a lot of time washing their hands. Would she be wearing this ring to work or having to take it off all the time? What kind of woman is she? This would make a difference for me, personally. I wouldn't want a huge rock getting in the way at work every day. However, I do think you should probably spend at least 2-3k on the ring as a minimum. It may be better to leave it off at work, or just wear a band. I know a surgeon who left a very, very expensive ring on the scrub sink. Whoever found it never turned it in. Sad. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 I have seen a few on amazon. I am not saying they are top tier quality, mind you. lol Best one was the $0.01 eternity ring with $0.99 shipping. I found bands with dragon designs in different colors. I liked them so much, I bought three, and can match my ring to my mood, or clothing. I spent a little more than you, $2 a pop (but free shipping! ) Link to post Share on other sites
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