Friends A Long Time, Affair, & Now Married - Trust?

[ajsmith]

We have been friends a lonnnnng time. We were both miserably married with older kids. We had an increasing affair for 7 years - until we both divorced our spouses. Ive always felt a little guilty, but he, too, was miserable & I love him.

 

Our spouses had bad qualities, and to make our families accept us, I admit, we played up the other spouses bad qualities, in order to get our families to accept our affair partners with open arms.

 

Still we love each other very very much & we have a lot in common. We travel a lot & do a lot of things together. We've been married now over 4 years & everyone seems to support us. Our kids seem to (mostly) accept our new spouses.

 

But I worry. As corny as it sounds, Im not a bad person, but I worry he might do this to me. Not only did he cheat on his first wife, but he nailed her badly in their divorce. He paid her lawyer off & I know of a couple other big dishonest things that he's done. To be honest, we both like a lavish lifestyle. If he had to pay out a lot of alimony to her, it would've taken a lot of it away from us.

 

He always talks bad about his ex-wife, and one of his girls said something to me a while back that I still think about. They wouldn't elaborate, but they alluded that they'd heard that maybe their dad (my husband now) had slept back with his first wife, their mom.

 

I love him so much & Im pretty sure he wouldn't do that to me, but feelings keep nagging at me just a little bit. Increasingly.

 

I guess I want to ask ... We've been married so long now & our families seem so supportive that we've left our loser first spouses behind now. ... Will I EVER FULLY trust him? I see the stats of marriages which begin in affairs. Im feeling a little crack in our marriage & I don't want it to be there. Any others out there who can relate or give advice here? please???

[bmh]

How long have you been married?

[stillafool]

 

 

I guess I want to ask ... We've been married so long now & our families seem so supportive that we've left our loser first spouses behind now. ... Will I EVER FULLY trust him? I see the stats of marriages which begin in affairs. Im feeling a little crack in our marriage & I don't want it to be there. Any others out there who can relate or give advice here? please???

 

I imagine he wonders the same thing about you since you cheated on your ex as well. Stop worrying about it until you have a reason. If you're happy just enjoy it.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear AJSmith,

 

Both of you cheated on your spouse for many years. Both of you lied and broken your marital vows. You have blamed your husband for your infidelity, and you chose to divorce your husband to marry your lover. If your present husband cheated with you, why wouldn’t he cheat on you with another woman? There will never be any trust in your marriage because it is based on lies, infidelity, and deceit.

You already know your husband is now doing the same to you!!! He might divorce you for his new lover.

 

Dreamer

[Amethyst68]

So you geeky admit cheating and lying not to mention manipulating everyone around you including your children. Your husband takes it further and commits criminal acts do the pair of you can live a lavish lifestyle and yet your ex spouses are the losers?

 

 

I suggest you start reframing your thinking, at least the pair of you are together and hopefully away from anyone else.

 

 

If your husband can do that to the mother of his children, the person who he shared all those years of history with then the answer is yes of course can do it to you.

 

 

Hopefully his BS finds out what he did and takes him back to court, people should learn actions have consequences.

 

 

You should try talking to him, your relationship should have a solid basis to discuss your fears if your love is as strong as you say.

[Orokotikki]

If they cheat with you, they very well might cheat on you.

[BaileyB]

Will I EVER FULLY trust him?

 

I wouldn’t.

 

When someone shows you who they really are, you are wise to believe them.

 

What do you know about this guy... he has proven himself to be dishonest, untrustworthy, and unfaithful. He has not hesitated to engage in underhanded tactics that were deceptive and hurtful to his former wife - such that he could manipulate his divorce in a desire to fund your lavish lifestyle. He has proven himself to be selfish, to manipulate a situation such that he gets exactly what he wants, and if he can hurt the mother of his children in this way - well, I doubt that he will hesitate to hurt you.

 

Sounds like a nice guy you’ve got there. You are pretty sure that he won’t do to you what he did to his wife... I’m sorry, I’m not sure that you have chosen well here. Be very careful.

[William]

Looks like this is a marriage issue so merged two identical threads into one discussion in MLP. There may be some duplication and/or overlap of content. Please continue!

[ajsmith]

MARRIED over 4 years now. I feel we've beaten the odds. But if there is ANY question in my mind, I wonder if we will eventually crumble & fall? :/

[Mrs._December]

I love him so much & Im pretty sure he wouldn't do that to me, but feelings keep nagging at me just a little bit. Increasingly.

I have to be honest.

 

I'm sure his wife over the years said the same exact thing to herself - that her husband would NEVER do anything horrible to her like cheat on her, lie to her, deceive her, rob her of what was legally hers, lie to his children about how long he's been with you, lie to everyone about how horrible and evil she was and that's why he had to leave, and the list of repulsive sins he's committed just goes on and on and on.

 

My point is, I'm sure there was a time she would have bet her soul that he'd never do to her what he ended up doing, and look where THAT faith in him got her.

 

So no, I wouldn't put any trust or faith at all in someone whose shown you over and over again that he lacks morals, faith, honor, integrity, and human kindness. I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him. I'm just being honest because you asked.

[basil67]

MARRIED over 4 years now. I feel we've beaten the odds. But if there is ANY question in my mind, I wonder if we will eventually crumble & fall? :/

 

Life comes with no guarantees. However, it IS pretty much guaranteed that if you do crash and burn, he will treat you in the same manner as his ex.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

TBH, given the parameters, I wouldn't worry about it (cheating), protect yourself with a good contract (prenup/postnup) and live life. If he's off banging his ex, cool, eject and move on to something else. Sounds like you move in socio-economic circles where people feel unencumbered to be who they really are so accept that and enjoy the ride. Your H certainly has enjoyed his. Learn from that. Good luck!

[ajsmith]

I suppose you all might be right.

 

We've been BEST FRIENDS and SOULMATES for 11+ years now, so it is hard for me to even let it enter into my thoughts.

 

He is older now & really looks very haggard. Im not gorgeous, but ok looking. Still we do lots of things together.

 

Ive invented a product & it's bringing in some good money, but he has a very lucrative profession, so that helps us enjoy our lifestyle together.

 

And, from that, Ive also started to wonder....... Ive heard from the college-kids that "sugar-daddies" are alive & well. I know he could buy anything he wanted. Which adds another element. But I just don't believe he'd cheat on me in any way. Is the "once a cheater...." thing real?? Is it possible that it is not??

 

I hear his ex-wife is a compulsive liar. So I can only hope, with the rumors Ive heard, that she's lying about sleeping with him.

 

Our families are both still very much supporting & encouraging our marriage, so that helps.

 

:/

[DKT3]

Affairs turned marriage fail at an alarmingly high rate, and this is part of the reason why. Trust is hard to come by, couple that with the fact you are both proven cheaters the odds say one of you will repeat.

 

Like any relationship, they can thrive. To do so requires work that your posts have made it clear you two haven't done.

 

Example, you say both your exes have bad behaviors, is it worse then cheating? To refer to them as losers says you view yourself and husband as winners, yet the things you stated you two have done disputes that.

 

Were you two doing the work to make this successful, you would recognize that you were/are not superior to your exes. You would recognize that you have damaged kids in the process.

 

The odds are high that your husband slept with other women, I mean what has created the need for growth in him or you? It doesn't sound like you think you did anything wrong.

[ajsmith]

Yes, our feeling all along has been we're the best of friends, soulmates, we wanted to be together sooooo bad & we both escaped miserable marriages for eachother. So we've been so happy about this.

 

My exhusband is crazy & his exwife is a drunk, lazy, & a compulsive liar. I keep thinking how wonderful it is that we both escaped that & that we are now living a comfortable happy luxurious life. And our families are so happy for us.

 

He told me he has no doubt in his mind that I am the one for him, altho he did tell me he's always going to love her. :/ I don't know why he says that to me.

 

:/

[BaileyB]

We've been BEST FRIENDS and SOULMATES for 11+ years now, so it is hard for me to even let it enter into my thoughts.

 

And how long was he BEST FRIENDS, SOULMATES, and MARRIED to his ex-wife? And, how did that turn out for her?

 

I hear his ex-wife is a compulsive liar. So I can only hope, with the rumors Ive heard, that she's lying about sleeping with him.

 

You can only hope. Who tells you that she is a compulsive liar - the man who lied to her about his affair, lied to her during the divorce when he took money that was rightfully hers, and is now potentially lying to you now about having sex with his ex-wife?

[central]

You can have a great relationship, even given how it started. If you do not create the kinds of conditions that ruined your previous relationships, and keep building your connection through kindness, consideration, and love, it can work. A little paranoia won't hurt to ensure he isn't a habitual cheater rather than one motivated by bad circumstances, but don't let it control you or alter the good things in your relationship.

[Artdeco]

I think you’re fine. However, if his kid(s) hinted/mentioned the incident to you (him sleeping with their mother), how come it hasn’t been discussed? Did you not ask him about it? His reaction should tell you what you need to know.

 

I wouldn’t worry too much about it, your R sounds quite stable to be honest, but if your gut tells you something, you definitely shouldn’t ignore it. I would ask myself this:

 

1) Is what his daughter told you true? Have you asked him? He’d definitely ask the daughter what she was referring to, if her allegations were not true, right? This can be easily clarified. And his reaction should tell you quite a bit, too.

3)has this been the only time you had doubts, or did this start your doubts, or have there been similar incidents, or have you had similar doubtful gut feelings in the past during your 4-year-M? Why? Why not?

2) you mention other women? Sugar daddy? Is he away from home a lot? Is he the type?

 

I don’t believe the once a cheater always a cheater thingy, but of course it applies to some, and you also can’t ignore how he treated his W during the divorce. But then again, a D comes with a different set of circumstances, so it might’ve been a one-time “unfairness”. And we don’t know what the M was like, either. So I won’t consider it here for my reply.

[DKT3]

I think you’re fine. However, if his kid(s) hinted/mentioned the incident to you (him sleeping with their mother), how come it hasn’t been discussed? Did you not ask him about it? His reaction should tell you what you need to know.

 

I wouldn’t worry too much about it, your R sounds quite stable to be honest, but if your gut tells you something, you definitely shouldn’t ignore it. I would ask myself this:

 

1) Is what his daughter told you true? Have you asked him? He’d definitely ask the daughter what she was referring to, if her allegations were not true, right? This can be easily clarified. And his reaction should tell you quite a bit, too.

3)has this been the only time you had doubts, or did this start your doubts, or have there been similar incidents, or have you had similar doubtful gut feelings in the past during your 4-year-M? Why? Why not?

2) you mention other women? Sugar daddy? Is he away from home a lot? Is he the type?

 

I don’t believe the once a cheater always a cheater thingy, but of course it applies to some, and you also can’t ignore how he treated his W during the divorce. But then again, a D comes with a different set of circumstances, so it might’ve been a one-time “unfairness”. And we don’t know what the M was like, either. So I won’t consider it here for my reply.

It applies to all who dont see the wrong in their actions or that damage and pain they caused.

[elaine567]

Trouble is sleeping with ex wives is not that uncommon, even warring couples can end up in bed together so the daughter may indeed be right and if he is an accomplished liar which he may very well be, then he will swiftly put your mind at rest... just like he no doubt put his wife's mind at rest when you

and he were in the depths of your affair...

That is the big problem here. We have had some on the forum, "I was the BS, now I am the OW... he is cheating on his FOW turned wife, with me his ex."

I do not really know how you get around this without going into super sleuth mode or deciding you will choose blind faith, cross your fingers and hope for the best.

 

If you decide to confront then make sure you have all your evidence in place first. First rule of the cheater deny deny deny and then take everything underground...

[Starswillshine]

This guy paid off his wife's attorney?

 

Wow.... zero integrity. At all. No, I could never trust him. He is shady and doesnt take responsibility for his actions. He pays his way out of it. Sad. Extremely sad.

[BaileyB]

This guy paid off his wife's attorney?

 

Wow.... zero integrity. At all. No, I could never trust him. He is shady and doesnt take responsibility for his actions. He pays his way out of it. Sad. Extremely sad.

 

Agreed. And OP - I'm sorry to say this, but what does it say about you that you know this and you allowed him to do it - because it benefited you. In fact, you justify it by saying that if he had to pay her significant alimony, it would have taken away from your life together, your ability to enjoy a lavish lifestyle.

 

It most definitely shows you what you can expect in the event that you divorce this man.

Edited November 8, 2018 by BaileyB

[TheRainbow]

I'm a serial cheater. I've cheated on my husband repeatedly over my entire marriage. From experience, the grass isn't greener on the other side. Being an affair partner is not a good thing. You say your ex-husband and his ex-wife are stupid and you're happier now, and probably a lot of other things you are just posted, but the reality is like me, you're projecting.

 

Like instead of sneaking around having an affair with your friend. Once you cross that line, there is no going back. Why couldn't one just say, hey my marriage isn't working, why don't we divorce. Or we say, or say to their spouse, I'm not happy. Or even in some cases, which doesn't seem to apply to you, we have no intentions of leaving the marriage but for one reason or another cheat.

 

There is a huge chance your husband is having sex with his ex-wife. His children probably know the truth, but are just not telling you. He probably regrets leaving his wife, and just doesn't want to admit he is wrong. So yes your marriage is based on lies. I separated from my husband back in July, because I wasn't happy. I felt guilty and made up a bunch of excuses on why it was best. But in the end, I realized that I did love my husband, but that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself, and look at myself in the mirror. I wasn't a bad person, but what I was doing to him, to my girls and to myself was not horrible.

 

Also, where is your shame in your part in destroying in his kid's marriage. Every day, I feel so much shame and regret my part in my former affair partners marriage breaking up, his kids coming from a broken home. In addition for forever changing my own kid's life.

[standtall]

OP, the statistics indicate the odds of your marriage succeeding are not very high...fyi.

[Mr. Lucky]

Boy, I’ve met a lot of people like you in the business world, believers that the end always justifies the means. Tough to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder...

 

Mr. Lucky