Reconciliation, Every situation is different

[MermaidNat]

So I just joined here but I wanted to post this from the side of someone who has experienced a lot of exes returning in the past but not every situation is the same.

 

I think people wanting a second chance with someone need to be careful what they read here because there’s a lot looking for hope & filtering Ex stories through those eyes... then I’m watching a lot of other people who see things in black and white with no shades of inbetween that will tell people “your ex will never come back” or “it will never work”

 

So youÂ’re going to be flipping between so much pain, hope, then complete loss of hope, hope again etc.. depending on what youÂ’re reading and who youÂ’re listening to...

 

I would like to say, just focus on the fact that you really never know....

None of the people that say “it will never work” know that for certain and the ones who are back with there exes are not certain success stories either...

I know you’re looking for hope but maybe try to be Ok with the fact that “it could happen, but it also may not and that will be ok too”

 

This is coming from someone who has desperately hoped someone will realise and felt the flipping back and forth from reading different stories.

 

I have had a lot of exes come back... my first was a year, my first love, on and off again until I got sick of him not committing to it... so bam, one day I just decided IÂ’m done and moved on... he did figure it out about 6 months later & tried pretty hard, I really had lost complete interest by then.

To this day, 13 years later he is still trying now... only last week he messaged asking if he could take me to dinner, IÂ’m still not interested.

 

Next ex, 4 months, I adored him, he was older than me so it just wasnÂ’t realistic, I was heart broken but I ran into him again 6 years later and he look dumbfounded because i had changed so much.. he was definitely interested but I shut it down.

 

Next ex, 7 months, that was not a full on boyfriend relationship but we were exclusive, we both drifted away from eachother.. I was a little upset but not much.. he returned 2 years later wanting to date properly, I brushed it off & weÂ’re friends now.

 

Next ex, 1.5 years, he left me.. I was really naive and probably way too nice.. you know those girls that don’t know how to set boundaries and ask for what they need? He cheated and I never caught him but when he dumped me he rang me and told me, I don’t wanna be with you anymore I cried & he got meaner, he said “I cheated on you anyway” I still wanted to sort it out and get back together, he was cold and pretty cruel about it... so after about a week of intense trying, I just disappeared, I met someone else and put my focus there... a month later when he realised I didn’t care, he started throwing me breadcrumbs.. the less I responded the more intense he got.. I never let him back near me... to this day he still tries to talk to me on social media and asks around about me.

 

Next ex, most serious so far.. it was quite toxic but we were together 4 years, engaged for 6 months, he ended up cheating, then I did, it went tit for tat until I cut him clean off for around 3 months... he initially didn’t care & carried on with another girl in our friend group, then it was like something clicked in his head and he flipped out that I was gone.. he chased me for 8 months trying to get back together... trying to prove himself etc.. I allowed him back “seeing eachother” but I didn’t think I could trust him so I wouldn’t commit.. then I moved on out of the blue, although it was mostly that I felt I had no choice.. there was too much hate.

 

This next guy lasted 4 months I left him, I started thinking I still loved my ex, I did really like him and he adored me but he wouldnÂ’t get his life together & had no motivation for anything other than me so I was turned off... I asked for space which he wouldnÂ’t give me and that led to him driving me crazy for a month, he sort of solidified my decision with this... I kept asking for space and he just kept panicking no matter how I tried to assure him... I did understand why but if he had backed off I really think I wouldnÂ’t have walked away....

After 3 months more of this badgering he finally gave up... I just needed some space to get my head together from the last relationship... I caught up with my ex and realised it was still toxic... I carried on by myself for a few more weeks before I started thinking about the guy that hadnÂ’t been able to give me space... I came back, but he immediately latched back on and wouldnÂ’t let up... I have felt that panic feeling too but if he had slowed himself back I probably wouldÂ’ve stayed... he just needed to get his own focus and balance out how he felt... I wasnÂ’t not interested.. it couldÂ’ve grown but he turned me off... he then would not take my requests for him to back off for a year... he solidified it to the point where I was too scared to make contact with him in case he got emotionally invested again... we still speak now and he doesnÂ’t seem to be over it but I had to cut him off for about 3 years for his own sake... I felt so horrible hurting someone else and he wasnÂ’t a weak guy.. he was strong and compassionate he just wouldnÂ’t use any emotional control and I couldnÂ’t handle that intensity all the time.

 

So the next guy was on again off again for most of it.. I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship but because we were acting like it he felt like that’s where it was going... I felt like it could’ve grown into that but I wasn’t sure... I openly communicated with him that I wasn’t confident I was ready... but he took it as something wrong with him... which I do understand but I tried to show him it wasn’t... I would get close to agreeing to be his girlfriend.. then his expectations would get really high that I needed to be more “in” and I would run away... I probably wasn’t mature enough to deal with that relationship very well..

He would try to leave the situation I would let him, then change my mind and come back... I think I’m this case he was fighting a losing battle but if he had actually said “no” to me & walked away I think this would’ve given me the space to decide to commit for myself rather than because it was being demanded of me. He ended up leaving for someone else which I understood... to this day we’re best friends and after that relationship ended I wanted to go back but I didn’t think it would be fair to him so I left it alone.

 

I then started seeing the toxic ex again, that ended in tears, I changed my phone number and he left with someone else. I was absolutely devastated about it... and it took months for me to feel ok... I was like a zombie for months.

 

Then I meet current ex whilst I was getting over the toxic ex, I knew I wasnÂ’t ready and neither was he... we started seeing eachother then it sort of imploded and we both backed out of eachothers lives... we had instant chemistry and got along so well it was ridiculous but timing definitely wasnÂ’t right...

 

So I was on my own again before guess who comes back.... itÂ’s been a year and half now and he had left two girls since & came back wanting to give it a real try... so slowly over 6 months I agreed to.

We were together probably the best we had ever been for about a year.. then I decided it just wasnÂ’t for me anymore and left.

 

Last and most recent ex was the guy I met in between where the timing was off... we ran into eachother again about 2 months after I left the toxic ex and were together 3.5 years...

 

So people do come back, some work, some donÂ’t but nothing is absolutely certain either way.

[indeliblex]

MermaidNat, I just want to say thank you for taking the time and for being so open with your story.

 

I am victim to filtering and switching between hope, false hope, positive thoughts and then feeling like theres no chance in the world - and it really all depends on what I read that day or which stories I take in.

 

I'm struggling alot at the moment - 2 months post BU with my ex bf. I think that I was in the same mindset as the ex of yours that couldnt give you space.

My ex started pulling away and wouldnt communicate with me so I freaked out and tried my hardest to hold on and when he asked for space I just couldnt do it because I didnt know what that meant.

 

I now see that i was anxious and was dealing with my own fears and know that I would be able to handle it in a different way now and I really do love him and we had an amazing relationship until the end.

 

Seeing as though you're on the other side being the person who was asking for space - what would you recommend me to do if I want to show him that I want to try again and that I have learnt to keep my anxious mind in check?

I just cant seem to be okay with the idea that this relationship is over.