Is he giving up?

[eidelweiss916]

My name is Kate and I have been in a long distance purely online relationship since late April of this year. My partner/boyfriend is a separated soon to be 38 year old man and I am turning 27 in a few weeks. From April to the middle of August it seemed we couldn't get enough of each other and he actually moves out of state to distance himself from his ex wife to prove to me his commitment. We talked about our future, wedding and children and many things we would do together as a couple. We have been consistently communicating with a good morning text and a 1-2 hour video chat in the evening since the middle of May. Occasionally we call for a few minutes mid day. About six weeks ago he took the big step to tell his children and his ex wife about me, he has sent me small thoughtful gifts in the mail and listens to my feelings and concerns constructively. He also shows genuine concern for my feelings about us as a couple.

 

Two and a half weeks ago his son was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I was tolerant to his ex wife staying with him at his mother's house where he is living for the time being. She was there for a week. I was even tolerant to cutting down our contact while she was there. He was married to his ex wife for over a decade and left her due to unresolved conflicts regarding their personal values and ideas on how to raise children. He has told me that his daughter was heartbroken that he was deciding to choose me to have a future with. His ex wife even tracked me down on Facebook and tried to guilt trip me in to leaving him.

 

My man does suffer from depression and is having a hard time getting back on his feet while going through divorce and now a terminally ill son. I honestly love him and will stay loyal to him. I am a very patient person. We both have very similar hobbies and interests, we finish each others sentences sometimes and can cry in front of each other. We have near identical sets of values and have a clear understanding what we each want out of life. Our child hoods were also significantly similar. I honestly feel like he is the best friend as well as lover I could ever have.

 

He seems to be kind of shutting down due to politics, his son and family as well as being unable to find more regular employment. His depression is amplifying his stress too I think. I suffer from depression myself so I understand what he may be going though.

 

My key concerns are:

1. He doesn't talk about our future as often as he used to.

2. He is less affectionate.

3. He seems to not be trying to keep the momentum of bettering himself.

 

I always listen to him without judgement but I also remember to respectfully stick up for my needs. I just feel the need for reassurance a lot more now that he still is planning on working toward a future for us. My anxiety fluctuates and I try to reassure myself that he still makes time for me and is willing to hear what I need from him.

 

Can anyone give me their thoughts on my situation. I just feel like our relationship backtracked or is he just giving himself some emotional space?

[ExpatInItaly]

The problem with purely online relationships is that they are largely a fantasy. It is easy to get swept up in the lust and what you think you know about the other person, but without meeting in person and spending extended periods of time together, you can't really know them. Talking and video chatting is just not sufficient when it comes to truly knowing someone.

 

Talking about marriage and children is daydreaming at this point. I realize it all sounds romantic, but the reality is that he already has a family and you have no idea how compatible you would be offline. Spending every day with someone, for hours and hours, is very different from online communication. Maybe you would get along fine, but the point is that you currently have no basis to assume marriage or children would be a wise idea.

 

It sounds to me like this online situation was an escape for him. Perhaps he had true intentions of taking it offline and meeting you, but now, real life has hit - hard. His son is very ill, and he and his ex-wife have a tough road ahead of them. I think you should prepare yourself for the very real possibility that this new twist in the road will have him rethinking their separation (are they officially divorced?) and could lead to him fading out of your life. Even if he and his ex do not reconcile, he is not going to have the same time and energy to devote to a cyber relationship.

 

What was the reason you two still hadn't met in person? Prior to his son getting sick, I mean.

Edited November 9, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[eidelweiss916]

I was giving him time to get more financially stable and to finish the divorce paperwork. I'm a very understanding and generous person. I knew that he would need space to deal with his "first family." I live with my mom and arranged that he could visit for a week during Christmas. He said he wants to come but all he's says about it is "that would be nice."

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, I don't think you should count on a Christmas visit from him. Reality has smacked him in the face and his priorities are going to be elsewhere for a long time

 

For what it's worth, there is a difference between being patient and generous, and overlooking many red flags. Be wary of any man you've never met making plans of marriage and family with you. That's almost always a bad sign.

[Rockett]

I was involved in a long-distance relationship like this, but only for a few months. It wasn't as serious as yours, but I agree with what previous posters have said about it being an escape. Looking back, I realize that he and I were in effect daydreaming together. It was easy to fill in all the blanks about him, having never met him in person, even though we videochatted all the time. Ultimately, it was two lonely people who really wanted to feel less alone, but found something about the distance oddly comforting- close, but not too close to demand anything of us in "real life."

 

 

My advice would be to insist upon a visit (even a short one), or go visit him yourself as soon as possible, so that you can put an end to the daydreaming phase. It can be scary to find out what things might actually be like as a couple in real life, but if you don't find out, you may be more likely to continue to rationalize his pulling back. At the end of the day you have to decide what kind of relationship you want. If it's with him, then ask for a meeting so you can find out how much of your connection is real.

[Mrs._December]

Have you ever actually MET this guy in person, face to face? If not, then everything is a fantasy at this point.

 

How could he be 'the best lover I ever had' when you claim this 'relationship' has been conducted solely online?

 

People can be whoever they WANT to be online, and all you've got to go on is his word that they're separated for good and are not trying to get back together. But ask yourself this - why on earth would his wife contact you on Facebook and try to throw a monkey-wrench into your relationship with him if she were truly DONE with him? Why would she do that?

 

Methinks your boyfriend is playing both sides of the fence.

 

Read ExPatinItaly's post about 100 times then read it once more. There's a huge difference between being patient and IGNORING huge red flags.

 

NEVER get involved with separated men. That's Rule #1. Separated = unfinished business.

Edited November 9, 2018 by Mrs._December

[BMWN52]

I was recently dating a girl who claimed she had broken up with her ex bf " 10 months ago" about a month into our ordeal the ex sent her flowers. I remarked that seems very odd that he'd send you flowers after almost a year.

 

The issue with the above relationship is she doesn't have much time in with this guy, it's easier for him to fail back onto the baby's momma. I was dumped for this girls ex, despite her saying how she would " never get back with him". People have agenda's, if there's any sign of ex's or " unfinished business" just pull anchor and gtfo before you're in too deep.

[BaileyB]

Why in the world are you making future plans with a man that you have never met in person?

 

There are so many red flags here...

 

First, are you sure they are really separated? You say that he is separated and you call her his ex wife. Darling, if they are separated then that means they are still married and she is his wife. He is clearly not available to be in another relationship if he has not signed divorce papers and his wife is sending you angry and threatening messages... Take heed!

 

Second - how old was he when he had his children? He is 38 years old and based on what you have described, it sounds like he has adult children. MS is typically not diagnosed before 20 and although there is no cure, many individuals live long and functional lives with MS. Although I can understand their shock and sadness following the diagnosis, his son is not "terminal" in that he's going to die anytime soon...

 

And, you say he is shutting down due to politics? What the... Was he running in the midterm elections? Did he lose his senate seat? You will have to explain that more because that sounds rather unreasonable.

 

And the biggest red flag of all, as Expat says - never trust a man who makes future plans with you before you have even met in person.

 

You may feel like you know this man well - you have spent time talking and you have bonded over shared experiences (childhood, depression)... You believe that you are destined to be together - you finish each other's sentences, he is the best friend you could ever hope to find... It's pure fantasy. Until you meet in person, and learn what he likes to eat for breakfast, how he deals with stress, what his relationships are with his family, and so many other things... this is nothing more than an online friendship - a pen pal.

 

I'm sorry, but I would let this go. At best, you have found yourself a depressed, unemployed, married man. Not exactly the kind of guy with whom you can build a future. At worst, he is lying to you and there is a good chance that you will get really hurt you continue this relationship.

Edited November 10, 2018 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

OK this is some hard facts:

 

 

#1- Talk of marriage, future, having kids, etc is what people do when they are infatuated with each other. The reality is, these are not to be taken as promises, it's just TALK.

 

 

 

#2-He's still with his wife. It doesn't matter what he tells you about their relationship...they are in fact still married and have a responsibility to each other and their children...no matter if you "tolerate it" or not.

 

 

#3-His depression...it always seems to be his excuse for when things don't go his way. This should be a red flag for you. He doesn't have the coping skills to handle real life situations AND he doesn't make proper mature choices. If he had any maturity to him, he would have waited until the divorce was final and his situation clear/settled before getting involved. Jobless/depression/failing marriage....this is what he's all about. Not a good solid man to have a future with.

 

 

 

#4-He is using you as an escape from his situation. Depression plays a huge roll in this. He isn't doing it with solid intention of using your relaitonship to give himself an emotional escape from his darkness...but in reality this is where he's been at with you.

 

 

 

#5-now that this all has come to light, and with the illness of his son...he's not going to leave her. Most likely this will bring them closer together, and work out their differences.