Did I handle this situation with my platonic female friend correctly?

[Perez3395]

Did I handle this situation okay with my friend? Thank you to those who try to read this!

 

Okay so I had this very good female friend named Stephanie, who I was very close with. I do not have any romantic interest in her buy I care about her very much as a friend and she would always confide in me and we would both encourage each other. She has a very jealous boyfriend and she is a jealous girlfriend with him as well. They both hate it when the other has friends or talks, texts, hang out with a member of the opposite sex. However, me and her were good friends and she trusted me.

 

She would always talk to me about her problems with her boyfriend and I would always try to help her and give her advice. She would tell me that she usually does not speak with other people about this but she would openly talk to me about it. She even used to talk to me about how she felt like she needed a break from her relationship and she even asked me for my opinion on whether or not she should break up with her boyfriend. I was always very supportive of her relationship with her boyfriend and tried to help her, like a true, good friend should and I enjoyed helping her with whatever she needed. Me and her used to work together but then I left the job. However, we both joined a technical college course together and we were excited to be doing it together as friends. She even encouraged me to do it with her.

 

So we hung out together and talked all the time at school. Everything was good. However, all of a sudden she started distancing herself and acting more cold with me. I never did anything inappropriate, flirtatious, or wrong to her. However, she told me she started thinking that I like her as more than friends for no apparent reason. She stated that it was because when we walk together in the halls and during the breaks I wait outside the restroom for her. Even though we had been doing that for several months at this point and she understood why I did it before as we would always hang out together us 2. We used to do everything in school together and she enjoyed my company before.I assured her that I did not like her in that way and she said she believed me and trusted me.

 

However, things remained a little bit weird. She blocked me on messenger after I sent her a happy thanksgiving text message in a platonic sense as I do with my other close female friends and some close guy friends of mine as well. I am someone that treats the few friends I have like family. She did not tell me before that she wanted to stop texting her out of respect to her boyfriend because I swear if she did, I know for DARN sure I would have remembered. I reassured her that she has nothing to worry about and she told me that she knows that but that I have annoyed her and she was very rude, callous with me for an extended period. Me and her used to always enjoy texting each other and we used to interact a lot on social media (snapchat, facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp) before and did not have a problem with it before. School became an absolutely painful hell for me because she would avoid me and act like I did not mean **** to her when I had always been so good to her. I was never mad, rude back to her or anything just extremely saddened.

 

I took it easy for a couple of weeks but I still tried to assure her that I have done nothing wrong and apologized to her and letting her know that I want to fix this because I care about our friendship. Then one of our last few days before Christmas break, I came to school and we crossed each other in the parking lot and we actually walked and talked with each other sort of like before and it felt nice because this was the best things had been between us in almost a month but then we were sitting in a lobby in the college together on a sofa just chatting like normal, and then when a empty spot became available on another sofa next to ours she proceeded to move to that spot and she put her legs up on the couch so maybe I figured she wanted leg space. I did nothing wrong and said nothing because other classmates of ours were there but I was definitely concerned because she never used to do that before. Then later on, there was a situation where it was me, her, and another guy (this guy was gay by the way) walking to another lobby for something that we had to do for school. There were two sofas, both designed for two people to sit on each.

 

The other guy sat down first and as soon as he sat down she immediately went to sit with him instead of taking the empty couch so she could have more leg room( like she did earlier) And then this guy got called into the interview first, this leaving me and her alone but as soon as he got up...she put her legs up on the couch, this made it clear to me that she was doing that to keep me from sitting next to her and this made me very uncomfortable and frustrated. however, she told me one day that she truly does believe me in what I'm saying to her but at the same time she feels it is disrespectful to her boyfriend for us to be so close and that she would not like for him to have a female friend as good as me either so she doesn't want to feel like she is doing something wrong to her boyfriend.

 

I asked if we could take a selfie together as friends in class as we were not doing any work and we both were dressed really nicely that day for we had to do a mock interview for the program we were doing and we just took a picture as a class. I just wanted to take a selfie with her just to have a nice memory between us both despite all that has happened, I asked for a selfie with her, but she said no. The thing is she said no in a manner that I felt seemed like she was not understanding my intent behind it. She left class a minute or so later because she had to go to work and I wanted to reassure to her that I meant nothing inappropriate by the selfie but remember, she had blocked me on messenger/my number so I could not simply text her later about the matter.

 

Plus, I was not sure if she would be coming to clinicals tomorrow, so I had to leave class and jog after her as she had already walked down the hall and towards the parking lot in order to try to ex explain to her. It looked awkward but that was the only way I could speak with her. We went on winter break and did not have contact with each other. She took me off her snapchat and I think k it was because I meant to type something to someone else but then I realized I was typing to her. And I obviously backspace all of it and te Ted who I meant to text but the thing with snapchat is that once you start chatting with someone it sends the other person the notification even if you never actually sent a message. So she took as me trying to text her when I really was not. and when I asked her about it she told me that she took off all of the guy friends from her snapchat but I feel that is a lie.

 

She eventually took me off her Instagram as well. I wrote a letter to her reassuring to her that she can trust me, apologized for any misunderstanding, letting her know that I care about her as a friend and I gave it to her on the last day of the program. She told me she would read it later as we would be busy in clinicals that day. Before she left I told her God bless you and she said the same to me. I just feel like she handled the whole situation so poorly because I would honestly never do anything to hurt her. I acted in good faith. She told me that her boyfriend gets very angry with her when it comes to her speaking with other guys at all.

 

It has been almost 2 full years since this issue occurred from November 2016 to January 2017. This past October I sent her a request on instagram and it stayed on "requested" for almost 3 weeks until all of a sudden she apparently blocked me on Instagram. This hurt me because it's been 2 years and she still seems to not understand me. I still have her on Facebook and I still like some of her posts from time to time. I have been patient and for the past year and a half I had been doing really well mentally and so on and I was hoping that maybe time would heal things. Again, I am not looking to text her again or talk like we used to. I just want her to understand and know that she can trust me as a friend.

 

I would honestly never do anything with the Intention of hurting, sabotaging her at all so this just saddens me/breaks my heart deeply that my once, very good friend does not seem to believe me. Did I handle this correctly? I understand if she wants to respect her boyfriend but their is a better, more communication oriented way to handle this. I do not hate her, and I honestly only want the best for her in her life and for her relationship with her boyfriend to prosper. I am just deeply saddened, demoralized by this because if somehow I hurt her unintentionally, it has made me feel awful. :..(

Edited November 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Arris]

To me I hear you say a lot of how you want her to understand you and all, but maybe you need to listen and understand her.

 

 

Clearly she feels your relationship is inappropriate, it does not matter how innocent it is and how clean your intentions are.

 

 

You say you respect her relationship with her boyfriend, then you need to respect how she feels about your relationship. You must also realize she is doing what she feels is best for her own relationship and that is between her and her boyfriend.

 

 

When she came to you with her concerns, you seemed only focused on your intentions and what you wanted or needed and what you thought was right.

 

 

Maybe if you get the chance again, after you do some thinking and get things in perspective, let her know you value the friendship but understand if it started to make her feel uncomfortable. See if there is some level of friendship you can maintain, but know it won't be at the level where you feel annoyed she doesn't wait for you after class or if she doesn't want to sit next to you on a sofa. To be a friend you shouldn't have too many expectations, if you do, you may be over extending yourself. At the same time, you have to be you, just respect her boundaries and listen to her as to what those are.

 

 

It's probably just a reality that you can't be as good a friend with her as you wish, not because of you personally, but because she is being respectful to her boyfriend. Again, that is their relationship and it comes first over yours.

 

 

It sucks, but good for them. I find myself in a similar situation, but I was the one with boundaries and we were just fine, nothing inappropriate. I lost contact after we stopped working together, but bumped into her at the store and she was pregnant. I always gave her advice on guys and helped her out, she was in some bad situations. Her new boyfriend I liked a lot and am glad to see it working out. However, I texted her for some advice on school as she had just finished a course I'm interested in and she never responded. Maybe she changed her number, I don't know. It sucks because I could really just use some advice, but it's ok. She has to do what she has to do and I just hope everything works out for her after the trouble she's been in.

[Perez3395]

I agree with the part about maybe I could have been more empathetic about her situation with her boyfriend for sure. I wanted to convey that to her but I did not do as good a job with that as I would have liked. And on that level, I feel really bad because I let her down as a friend. It just sucks so much when you unintentionally upset or hurt someone that you care about and would honestly never do anything to hurt them.

 

But the thing was she did not really communicate about her specific boundaries with me before she blocked me like that. Up until that point she was very vague with me about the boundaries and before she used to be a lot more of a better communicator about these things with me. And yes. Maybe I was too focused on my intentions because I was worried that she might still think that I liked her as more than friends. But yes, I just wish I conveyed to her a better understanding of her reasons for doing this and of course, I want nothing but good things for her.

 

Again, I am not asking for things to go back to exactly the way it was before, but I would have at least liked for her to add me back on Instagram and Snapchat just so I can somewhat still see what she's up to. But it seems even 2 years later, she still has not quite forgiven me, which makes me feel sad. But thank you for your insightful, nonjudgmental reply.

Edited November 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[maxi105]

hey, perez, I haven't really read your post as ive only got a few mins left. however your friend sounds rather childish blocking you.

 

 

Im sure she knows you would not do anything to hurt her if you guys hung out a lot before all of this stuff went on.

 

 

if she is up for talking with you then that is the best hope you got on this one. find out what went on and why. maybe there was a misunderstanding that has just gone on to brood and not be resolved (either way), but im sure it not that big a thing if you can talk and get to the real issues behind this situation.

 

 

I do think there is more than just the selfie thing goin on, it sounds like a jelous friend, maybe someone who hasn't formed freindships as easily long term as you can? or currently enjoy? I don't know, but if you can talk to her and she is mature enough to want to sort this out then offer the chance to talk once more. (and really only once more from your point of view). don't keep giving into this emotional drama or it will keep going for the next 3 years!!!!

 

 

if she wants to sort this out and is mature enough to talk honestly and openly you may have a chance, if not, maybe you need to just leave it. if she grows up a bit maybe she'll see how she really treats people.

 

 

good luck. times out for me see ya, maxiXX