ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 "You must change what you look at" "Try give other people a chance" "Lower your standard" "Consider single mothers they can give you experience" Example 1 30 years old, two kids. Had barely began chatting with her and I get a long voice note she is looking for a guy to mentor her kids. I am dating the person not being a father to her kids. Instantly off putting. More so "I am looking for financial support". Then when I was too slow to reply "I can see you are very busy I will let you be". Example 2 Another single mother, this one seemed quite happy to invite me over to take her to bed with her kid in the house, despite not even meeting me for coffee. Again very smothering and chased me for weeks, again it was dealing with all the usual kids domestic issues, school that sort of thing. She was smart but just too smothering. Example 3 Single, no employment, again quite happy to hook up but looks wise she wasn't my cup of tea at all. Not that interesting. Example 4 This one has interests similar to me but getting her to speak is like extracting water out of stone, there is just no conversation to be had via text at all. I ask questions, she gives one word answers, she likes cars which is a bonus but again she doesn't talk. She is relatively attractive to but there is no connection at all. Again I just not seeing an upside here. How do I connect with people who wont communicate? Even when there is common ground they don't seem to want to chat. I tried different approaches with all of them, tried to keep an open mind but the results oddly basically matched my admittedly low expectations. Seems to me the search is one leg of a very large octopus, you need the others to derive any reasonable level of success. Not really sure what is expected to be honest. Again I get asked who I am bringing to next weekends function and "Well have I ever brought anyone before, that's pretty much your answer" Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 What baffles me is that despite the opportunities to have sex with different women, at your age you still remain a virgin? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) You do have a talent for creative writing. Your dates sound hilarious. Single mom's do want fathers for their children. I know because my mom divorced my dad when I was six and it was depressing not having a daddy. If you have no interest in children don't date women with kids. Edited November 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 What baffles me is that despite the opportunities to have sex with different women, at your age you still remain a virgin? That's a good point. OP why didn't you have sex with one of these girls just to experience sex and then cross it off your list? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 That's a good point. OP why didn't you have sex with one of these girls just to experience sex and then cross it off your list? Be sure to wrap it. Example 2 might be looking for a sibling for her kid. Who takes a guy to her place for sex with a kid at home? Run, and fast! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 You do have a talent for creative writing. Your dates sound hilarious. Single mom's do want fathers for their children. I know because my mom divorced my dad when I was six and it was depressing not having a daddy. If you have no interest in children don't date women with kids. He is not dating them, he is only talking to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 What baffles me is that despite the opportunities to have sex with different women, at your age you still remain a virgin? Because they aren't what I want. They simply don't tick enough boxes on my list and there are various red flags with all of them to lesser or greater degrees. And the thing is having someone offer themselves up is not an attractive quality to me at all. 4 was closer to what I like and could get along with but alas she isn't even interested in meeting up, I asked her and she was so unenthusiastic I didn't bother continuing that line of conversation. How does one actually form a connection? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) Be sure to wrap it. Example 2 might be looking for a sibling for her kid. Who takes a guy to her place for sex with a kid at home? Run, and fast! Incredibly off putting and yes I think the right guy would have a lot of fun with this 37yo but morally I just cant. What I also didn't like is she came across as very bossy and "in control" which didn't appeal very much. Just got back from lunch now and lots of ladies walking around, most incredibly good looking but I have no game really nor the confidence to pull off a cold approach. I am widening my search online but its all very much the same sort of people who use OLD platforms here, not talking about tinder, things like OKcupid. Edited November 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed quote Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) Incredibly off putting and yes I think the right guy would have a lot of fun with this 37yo but morally I just cant. What I also didn't like is she came across as very bossy and "in control" which didn't appeal very much. Just got back from lunch now and lots of ladies walking around, most incredibly good looking but I have no game really nor the confidence to pull off a cold approach. I am widening my search online but its all very much the same sort of people who use OLD platforms here, not talking about tinder, things like OKcupid. I think you would do better having someone coach you on the cold approach as opposed to sticking with OLD. Are there any forums available to you that focus on your interests in life? I realize a lot of your interests may be male dominated, but you never know. And people know people who know people. Kind of like social networking, but without dating as the end goal. I've even heard of gamers getting together (not that I'm recommending that specific platform). Good luck! Edited November 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 What baffles me is that despite the opportunities to have sex with different women, at your age you still remain a virgin? But he might has misinterpreted them; not unlikely for someone as inexperienced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 I think you would do better having someone coach you on the cold approach as opposed to sticking with OLD. Are there any forums available to you that focus on your interests in life? I realize a lot of your interests may be male dominated, but you never know. And people know people who know people. Kind of like social networking, but without dating as the end goal. I've even heard of gamers getting together (not that I'm recommending that specific platform). Good luck! Nay, he’s adamant about not hiring a dating coach. Despite his interest in marketing (even bragging about getting along with marketing people), he continues to refuse hiring someone to help him market himself to potential dates. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 I think you would do better having someone coach you on the cold approach as opposed to sticking with OLD. Are there any forums available to you that focus on your interests in life? I realize a lot of your interests may be male dominated, but you never know. And people know people who know people. Kind of like social networking, but without dating as the end goal. I've even heard of gamers getting together (not that I'm recommending that specific platform). Good luck! I have to be honest I have tried the forum thing but sometimes I just feel like SA offers me everything I like except dating. Probably because a lot of my reading is US forums I am probably more worldly centric than some here. I think you connect with someone over some mutual interest or shared belief by 4 suggests this isn't always the case. Make no mistake a take a lot of good from my interests, I have built up a social club and expanded it. I arrange events and suchlike but I am always the one alone, look I use K to try and hide that fact but its a foolhardy excuse and doesn't really work and probably reflects pretty poorly on me. I'd love to bring someone who is into me into that world but its very difficult, my experience is some people don't do well around successful people, some are intimidated, some cant get into a conversation, everyone is very down to earth but I cant bring miss 2 kids into this world for example. I have thought about taking a nice holiday perhaps the Bahamas and see if I'd do better there but I just think I would be teasing myself with something nice which isn't sustainable, especially if people are friendly and nice and conversely if people aren't friendly it would have been a waste. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 But he might has misinterpreted them; not unlikely for someone as inexperienced. Very hard to get "come over and f**k me" wrong....no interpretation needed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 Nay, he’s adamant about not hiring a dating coach. Despite his interest in marketing (even bragging about getting along with marketing people), he continues to refuse hiring someone to help him market himself to potential dates. I don't see the value in it at all. Nobody else needs to hire coaches....so I hire a dating coach and then what? I am not suddenly going to find clubs more appealing or be more inclined to drink or be more inclined to be "fun" so where it the upside value? The things I can work on are muscle tone and try be more outgoing even though I don't enjoy outgoing activities. Not like I am going to walk up to people cold and look like less of a fool after seeing a dating coach. Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 I don't see the value in it at all. Nobody else needs to hire coaches....so I hire a dating coach and then what? I am not suddenly going to find clubs more appealing or be more inclined to drink or be more inclined to be "fun" so where it the upside value? The things I can work on are muscle tone and try be more outgoing even though I don't enjoy outgoing activities. Not like I am going to walk up to people cold and look like less of a fool after seeing a dating coach. You are not improving. What do you think is the best thing you can do to change your circumstances? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 You are not improving. What do you think is the best thing you can do to change your circumstances? Keep trying and hope for some luck. Or keep trying and own the circumstances I find myself in wear them on my sleeve. Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Keep trying and hope for some luck. Or keep trying and own the circumstances I find myself in wear them on my sleeve. That's good. You seem like a quirky type and dating apparently is difficult. Accept yourself, dive into your passions and live your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Well , couldn't blame ya for passing on most of those. But why were you even bothering with mothers anyway ? That texting one , things in common. l'd suggest just try calling her instead if you liked her so far apart from that. l've met people the same texting even friends , hopeless, but in person or over the phone they're totally different and fulla life. Anyway , they might not have been choice but hey at least they were female so it's a start. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 That's good. You seem like a quirky type and dating apparently is difficult. Accept yourself, dive into your passions and live your life. Would be nice to share those passions with someone as opposed to doing them on my own. I always wonder what it would be like to date someone, that's really the problem.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 Well , couldn't blame ya for passing on most of those. But why were you even bothering with mothers anyway ? That texting one , things in common. l'd suggest just try calling her instead if you liked her so far apart from that. l've met people the same texting even friends , hopeless, but in person or over the phone they're totally different and fulla life. Anyway , they might not have been choice but hey at least they were female so it's a start. Because I am told I must "broaden my search". Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Because I am told I must "broaden my search". No-one has ever told you to date mothers... Broaden your search of course to include older women or women that have "potential" but not mothers as it seems you have no desire to be a stepparent and that is not actually uncommon in single, never been married, never had kids people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 No-one has ever told you to date mothers... Broaden your search of course to include older women or women that have "potential" but not mothers as it seems you have no desire to be a stepparent and that is not actually uncommon in single, never been married, never had kids people. 9/10 older women have kids. That's just the reality of it so by saying older women by extension you meant women with kids. I thought I would try anyway and see but just confirmed my reasoning for not being interested in older women. Potential, what is that exactly.....I could say I never get given the same opportunity but that song sheet is tired and frankly I am tired of singing off it. I had a ying and yang conversation with a friend of mine this morning, he has no issue finding dates, older than me but can date far younger than me, at least he gets interest and yes I have been to social gatherings with him and yes I have tried to be like him but it like asking a fish to fly.... Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) Well I did a quick google search and according to one list, there are at least 308 hobbies in the world: World?s Largest List of Hobbies! Obviously there are a lot more. Can you bring yourself to be interested in any one of the hobbies on the list? Obviously you do have to be honest with yourself, and sometimes it takes trying a hobby to be interested in it. You mentioned that you like cars. Can you brainstorm with us any more interests you might have? Rare indeed is the woman who can honestly talk your ear off about catalytic converters and the latest drag racing car mods. I want to give you a round of applause for standing up for yourself and trying to see more women. The first step is to allow your proposed date to feel good about herself and feel good about meeting you. The easiest and low risk way is to think of something you can bond with her about. Have you thought about the expat community in your city? Brainstorm with us - what topics are you knowledgeable about, that women can bond about? By the way, when you are on a date - what are the typical opening lines you use to start a chat? Edited November 9, 2018 by Garcon1986 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 Well I did a quick google search and according to one list, there are at least 308 hobbies in the world: World?s Largest List of Hobbies! Obviously there are a lot more. Can you bring yourself to be interested in any one of the hobbies on the list? Obviously you do have to be honest with yourself, and sometimes it takes trying a hobby to be interested in it. You mentioned that you like cars. Can you brainstorm with us any more interests you might have? Rare indeed is the woman who can honestly talk your ear off about catalytic converters and the latest drag racing car mods. I want to give you a round of applause for standing up for yourself and trying to see more women. The first step is to allow your proposed date to feel good about herself and feel good about meeting you. The easiest and low risk way is to think of something you can bond with her about. Have you thought about the expat community in your city? Brainstorm with us - what topics are you knowledgeable about, that women can bond about? By the way, when you are on a date - what are the typical opening lines you use to start a chat? See the problem is there is nothing that I can offer that women can bond with. Perhaps this is a legacy of never having many girl friends growing up. My usual date tactic is to compliment and try get to know them while keeping the conversation light. Hoping that they would ask about me. I haven't had an actual date in months. I administer a social car club but again no bonding there, we go to cool places and have nice events. I write a bit but not enough to list it as an interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) Then tell us why you aren't making a separate project for yourself to bond with women just for the experience? To at least go the first few steps in relationships, to know how bonding with women is different than it is with the mates? And by the way there are this many social clubs listed on Meetup.com in Capetown: https://www.meetup.com/topics/social/za/cape_town/ Edited November 9, 2018 by Garcon1986 Link to post Share on other sites
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