Married but in Love with Husband's Best Friend

[wanderingheart88]

As I write this I know how cliche it is to be married and in love with another. It doesn't justify my feelings and thoughts because at the end of the day I made a commitment to my husband. I'm not delirious and I know that I could never pursue a relationship with the man I want to be with. But it doesn't seem to slow me down on adoring him and collecting those little moments together.

 

Growing up I had a very strict childhood. My friends were my siblings and at 15 I was raped by a family member. Out of fear I never told anyone and kept the pain to myself. As I got older and reaching my prime years of being in my early 20's I wanted to fall in love. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I knew what I wanted and wasn't going to end up with a man who didn't have drive. That's when I met my husband, we'll call him Al. We met through a church group and he caught my eye right away.

 

He had the dream of starting his own business and I was hooked. But he never noticed me. During this time I did meet his friends and one in particular, we'll call him J, noticed me right away. These are the good, rough around the edges kind of guys. Down to earth, getting their hands dirty, but good to the soul kind of men. I love all my husband's friends. They are all amazing and really good people.

 

Every day I showed up at Al's shop and sat in the corner watching and listening to the guys work on their projects. Most of the time it was just Al and J working. Over time it turned into just us 3 getting dinner and hanging out all the time. Al still never caught on that I liked him until another girl in the group told him. Al told me the next day that he didn't see me that way and we should just be friends. I was heartbroken but continued to show up at his shop because I didn't have anywhere else to go. All I did was work and pay bills. I didn't have any real friends. Al didn't mind my company and I slowly started to open up around him.

 

That's when he started falling for me. We finally started officially dating 6 months later and continued to date for 5 years before finally tying the knot. See, I had a goal in mind and I stuck to it. I ignored all of the red flags in our relationship. The truth is that Al and I are work oriented. We don't know how to have fun. We have different positions when it comes to family, life, and just about everything. Honestly, Al can be a real jerk sometimes. He struggles with taking off the blinders and seeing what is going on around him. I could be drowning and he would walk right past me. Does it give me a good excuse to fall for someone else, absolutely not. But it does make me see that I married the wrong man.

 

That's when J comes in the picture. We were always friends and J was always protective of me. I had an idea that he liked me but I just ignored it because we were all friends. When Al and I split up for a few months while we were dating J was always there with Al. But later he would mention how if I came around he would have welcomed it. When I started coming back around J was always good to me and treated me with respect. Al was angry and resentful. Sadly this anger and resentment would last and carry on to our marriage. J kept telling Al that he needed to make a choice of he either wanted to be with me or not. I started opening up around J and we really got to know each other. We both value family and we loved joking and having fun. Al was always serious and it just left me and J laughing together all the time. I started to have feelings for J but I pushed them aside because I was determined to prove that Al and I belonged together.

 

Eventually, I gave Al and ultimatum on either getting married or I was leaving. I hated doing it but we weren't going anywhere. I regret this and it should have not happened. I threw together a small wedding in a month and had our close friends at the ceremony. On our way to the church, Al compared our wedding day to an appointment that he just wanted to get over with. I should have ran, why did I go through with the wedding... Before the ceremony J came up to me and said it was my last chance to run and I could leave right now. He was joking but he doesn't know that I was seriously considering running away. But we got married anyway and what was supposed to be the best day turned to be a day I regret almost daily.

 

Now, a few years into our marriage Al and I have had a bumpy ride. We both hurt each other in the past and it carried into our marriage. But we both keep pushing forward. Now, I do love my husband and he isn't a bad man. He just has a hard heart and can be self-centered. He launched his business and hired J to work with him. They are an amazing team, the best. They've both grown it and they both worked hard every day. Last year, I joined and started working with them. The company has grown since but for a while it was just us 3. I was helping J on the floor by cutting material, drilling, holes, ect. We had fun working together. J has seen all sides of me. The happy, the grumpy, and I even snapped at him a few times. But he still sees me as the quiet girl who showed up at his friend's shop years ago.

 

Eventually, I began working in the office. I have a couple of amazing best friends and one, we'll call her M, that I have told my deepest secrets to. M pointed out one day that J is very fond of me. She also commented on his good looks and the way he treats me. It was like someone gave me a new pair of glasses. Those feelings I shoved down years ago came bubbling to the surface. I began to see J in a very different light. I began adoring him and soaking in all the little moments between us. It was years of him being fond of me and I was just now returning the favor.

 

J is a good man and he would never jeopardize his friendship with Al. But I know we both struggle equally and wonder what it would be like if we did have a chance to be together. When I walk into work you can see both J and I beaming at each other. I'm sure others see it as well. We both laugh and stick up for each other when others try to chime in with jokes. It's clear that J and I have our own little world together. Sometimes, after hours J and I will hang out and talk about everything under the sun. I know... it's very dangerous to do this and I'm trying to distance myself.

 

The difference is that J has always seen me, always and since day 1 of meeting me. When Al, goes out of town J always makes sure I'm okay. That I don't have any problems while Al is gone. If something happened J would be there in a heartbeat. He has always been like this with me and I just realized it way too late. Even my husband comments about how protective J is of me and but that he sees me as his little sister.

 

So that's my story. I know it's long and sounds like I'm bored little wife but honestly, I'm not dumb. I know crushes happen and marriage can be marked with ruts. But I do love J and I love the way he treats me. I wish I could go back and make different choices but that's not how it works. I am committed to my husband and will remain being faithfully committed to him even if that means setting some distance between J and I.

[Mr. Lucky]

I probably don’t have to point out you’ve rationalized your choices every step of the way, you seem intelligent enough to realize that.

 

Marriage really isn’t that complicated, as they say your garden grows where you water it. Since your attention has been divided, it’s hard not to question your assessment of your husband and relationship. Pretty common for those interested in some else to see their partner in a less than flattering light.

 

Some of the solutions are pretty simple. Work somewhere else, end the friendship, etc., but I’m sure you’ll tell me how hard all those steps are. Right now, you’re painting both sides of the fence - you’re for marriage and all it stands for but you’re obviously more interested in J than your husband.

 

Pick a side...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs._December]

This reads as one big Harlequin Romance unrequited love novel. Star crossed lovers never to be, who'll always carry this deep, painful secret in the darkest recesses of their hearts and who will one day die cold lonely deaths as tears roll gently from their eyes, never having realized the sunshine of their love. Pffft.

 

OP, you sound like every single cheater who posts on infidelity boards. Just about every single ONE of them has cried the blues about the fact that they can't go back in time and make different choices that they're SO sure would have greatly impacted the entire course of their lives. Just like you're claiming.

 

And you're not committed to your husband at all even though you claim you are. You're there because the 'rules' say you have to be, you're not there out of love and respect for him because you've already proved otherwise.

 

But I'm willing to bet all that so-called commitment would fly RIGHT out the window if J showed up at your doorstep and told you to pack your bags and run away with him.

 

Sadly, it's easy to be 'honorable' when that's your only option.

[anika99]

You have told us a very long story of why you think you have good reason to lust after your husbands best friend.

 

First thing I will say is that it sounds like this friendship has already crossed the line into emotional affair territory. You say you know you both struggle equally with wonder what it would be like to be together. That implies that you and j have discussions regarding your feelings and longings for one another. On top of that it also sounds like you are getting your emotional needs met by J by doing things like spending hours talking to him outside of work hours. So if J has also expressed his romantic feelings for you then this ain't no friendship, it's an affair minus the sex.

 

The thing is that you had many years before you got married to choose J over Al. There were reasons you wanted and chose Al but we don't ever really know someone 100% until we live with them intimately for an extended period of time. Many flaws are hidden until cohabitation so it's no surprise that after several years of marriage that there are things about your husband that you don't like. Your husband has probably learned things about that he does not like.

 

J gets the benefit of not ever living with you so whatever flaws he would have in a marriage stay unknown. He gets to look like the better guy simply because you have no idea what marriage to him would truly be.

 

As a matter of fact, had you chosen J you could have just as easily been here writing about how you made the wrong choice and should have chosen Al. It would go something like this, "I chose J because he was really attentive and fun. He was just so easy to talk to and he really saw me for who I am. But he lacks drive and that's a problem for me because I'm work minded and like having goals. J works for his best friend Al and Al is driven and work minded just like me. So much so that he worked hard and started his own business when he was still young. When other guys his age were goofing around and having a good time, Al knew what he wanted and made it happen. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband J but he just doesn't take life seriously enough. He's a good man but I can't see him ever being successful like Al. I think I married the wrong man."

 

So yeah, you do kind of sound like a wife who likes to escape into a fantasy when the going gets tough. It's unlikely that J is the Prince Charming you have built him into. You have no idea what marriage to him would be like but you better believe that had you chosen him you would have complaints about him too. Is J married? Does he have a serious gf? If not then why do think that is? And please don't say it's because he's in love with you because that's not the reason.

[Amethyst68]

My first response was deleted, I guess it was too harsh so I'll try again.

 

You call your husband self centred but I have to ask if you've ever looked at yourself? Re-read your post, everything that has happened in your relationship has happened at YOUR instigation. Even when you got your husband to agree to marry you, you rushed it through in a month - why? As another poster pointed out J was there all along. Is it now that you're "safe" you feel free to let your fantasies loose?

If so then that's not fair to your husband.

 

You at least need to have a frank discussion with your husband, let him know he's fighting a battle he currently doesn't know he's even in.

 

I do wonder if you left your husband if J would even consider 'breaking up' with his life time friend for you or would you lose him too....

[overtherainbow1]

I probably don’t have to point out you’ve rationalized your choices every step of the way, you seem intelligent enough to realize that.

 

Marriage really isn’t that complicated, as they say your garden grows where you water it. Since your attention has been divided, it’s hard not to question your assessment of your husband and relationship. Pretty common for those interested in some else to see their partner in a less than flattering light.

 

Some of the solutions are pretty simple. Work somewhere else, end the friendship, etc., but I’m sure you’ll tell me how hard all those steps are. Right now, you’re painting both sides of the fence - you’re for marriage and all it stands for but you’re obviously more interested in J than your husband.

 

Pick a side...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Just wanted to say that this is a great, concise post. And it's always striking how this type comes off. It's like they all studied a playbook.

[Mr. Lucky]

And it's always striking how this type comes off. It's like they all studied a playbook.

 

Have to agree, a lack of boundaries seems to always lead to a flawed decision making process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wanderingheart88]

Anika99 You are totally right and I agree 100% on just about everything you said. I appreciate the honest response, thank you.

[wanderingheart88]

Amethyst68 I am guilty of being self-centered as well. I agree this is just one side of the story. I know J well enough to know he wouldn't cross those lines and end the friendship. Thank you for commenting.

[wanderingheart88]

I probably don’t have to point out you’ve rationalized your choices every step of the way, you seem intelligent enough to realize that.

 

Marriage really isn’t that complicated, as they say your garden grows where you water it. Since your attention has been divided, it’s hard not to question your assessment of your husband and relationship. Pretty common for those interested in some else to see their partner in a less than flattering light.

 

Some of the solutions are pretty simple. Work somewhere else, end the friendship, etc., but I’m sure you’ll tell me how hard all those steps are. Right now, you’re painting both sides of the fence - you’re for marriage and all it stands for but you’re obviously more interested in J than your husband.

 

Pick a side...

 

Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky, you're right and I agree completely. Writing it out and seeing the responses don't surprise me. I appreciate the honesty from everyone. I'm not completely oblivious and lost, I do have a brain! But yes it's very clear that I have a safe zone and daydreaming of another is wrong. The grass is green where you water it. Thank you again for the hard but honest truth.

[wanderingheart88]

This reads as one big Harlequin Romance unrequited love novel. Star crossed lovers never to be, who'll always carry this deep, painful secret in the darkest recesses of their hearts and who will one day die cold lonely deaths as tears roll gently from their eyes, never having realized the sunshine of their love. Pffft.

 

OP, you sound like every single cheater who posts on infidelity boards. Just about every single ONE of them has cried the blues about the fact that they can't go back in time and make different choices that they're SO sure would have greatly impacted the entire course of their lives. Just like you're claiming.

 

And you're not committed to your husband at all even though you claim you are. You're there because the 'rules' say you have to be, you're not there out of love and respect for him because you've already proved otherwise.

 

But I'm willing to bet all that so-called commitment would fly RIGHT out the window if J showed up at your doorstep and told you to pack your bags and run away with him.

 

Sadly, it's easy to be 'honorable' when that's your only option.

Mrs. December, your comment was one of the toughest ones to read but that's because it's so true. You're right, who am I to act like I'm doing my husband a favor by "choosing" to be with him even when my heart isn't in it 100%. I'm getting my head out of my rear and getting myself together. There's more to the story but it doesn't matter because clearly I am the emotional cheater and on my own pity train. It was hard reading all of the comments but dang it, it really gave me a good smack of reality. Thank you so much.

[Jamess1]

Go for J, make amends.

[Maraud3r]

Let's for a moment ignore the whole; "J and I are star crossed tragic lovers, who are kept apaet by circumstances and an evil we cannot confront (Al)." bull****.

 

Which is the usual woe is us thing every cheater delivers to justify their action, with the usual villanizing the BS. The only reason you two don't seem to be banging like rabbits yet, is that both of you are reliant on Al. Hell J is working for him.

He had the dream of starting his own business and I was hooke.

Yeah, no.

They are all amazing and really good people.

Except for J. He's horrid.

 

I ignored all of the red flags in our relationship.

Remove Al from the equation, substitute any other guy. The red flags would remain. Because they're not "in your relationship" or "with Al" but yours.

 

Al can be a real jerk sometimes. He struggles with taking off the blinders and seeing what is going on around him. I could be drowning and he would walk right past me. the wrong man. he isn't a bad man.

We can find stuff like this throughout your entire post. Every problem, every bad thing, all Als fault. Al is so horrendous, so horrible. How dare he chain you down!

 

He just has a hard heart and can be self-centered.

This actually made me laugh out loud. Because from your post. That's exactly the way you appear.

 

J was always protective of me. I had an idea that he liked me but I just ignored it because we were all friends. When Al and I split up for a few months while we were dating J was always there with Al. . When I started coming back around J was always good to me and treated me with respect. I started opening up around J and we really got to know each other. We both value family and we loved joking and having fun. Al was always serious and it just left me and J laughing together all the time. I started to have feelings for J but I pushed them aside because I was determined to prove that Al and I belonged together. We had fun working together. J has seen all sides of me. The happy, the grumpy, and I even snapped at him a few times. But he still sees me as the quiet girl who showed up at his friend's shop years ago.

 

She also commented on his good looks and the way he treats me. It was like someone gave me a new pair of glasses. Those feelings I shoved down years ago came bubbling to the surface. I began to see J in a very different light. I began adoring him and soaking in all the little moments between us. It was years of him being fond of me and I was just now returning the favor.

J the great. The awesome. The guy you never met outside of him trying to win you over. Outside of him trying to turn his friend and boss wife into his lay on the side.

 

But later he would mention how if I came around he would have welcomed it. J kept telling Al that he needed to make a choice of he either wanted to be with me or not. hired J to work with him.

Who is a bona fide manipulator. There's more here. J is NOT a good guy, J is NOT whom he pretends to be when he's with either you or your husband. He's playing a role in both cases, one that benefits him.

 

You give him credit for "growing the business" alongside your husband. He's an employee, not a partner. You're actively knocking down your husbands achievments and success and attesting them to J. You're that far gone. A guy who's slimy enough, he pretends to console his friend while going after his ex.

 

Honestly I couldn't get through the rest. It's just more of the same. "Husband bad." "J good!" "Can't leave husband because we're both financially reliant on him!".

 

Amethyst68 I am guilty of being self-centered as well. I agree this is just one side of the story. I know J well enough to know he wouldn't cross those lines and end the friendship. Thank you for commenting.

Except, he crossed the line already. If your husband knew about his comments of you "coming over to get some" during the break up and the other stuff that is going on. Do you really think your husband would be friends with him any longer?