Afstandsbediening Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Hi there! I have been reading on this website a lot and i always read great advice. So I decided to also give it a shot. I was with my now ex-boyfriend for almost 2 years. My ex is a great, sweet, warm person. He moved to the country (Western Europe) where I live about 3.5 years ago. He is from another continent and has therefore been struggling with cultural differences. Besides being a great guy, he was also insecure and sometimes jealous. He found it extremely difficult if I was talking to other men. Even though I tried to ensure him that he was the one. The first year was fantastic, until he had threatened to break up with me a couple of times, because I was according to him, flirting with other guys. According to my opinion, I wasn’t flirting with other guys. I never met up with males without him nor did I text with any men. I never toughed any guys. I was friendly with them. I like people, whether they are male or female. He told me that he was always very scared of losing me. He said that eventually I will meet someone better than him and I will leave him. Which is obviously not true. I have expressed my doubts once, because of his jealousy. We had a very good talk about it and my doubts were gone. He promised to work on it. However, due to this, I did not want to move in together yet, I said that I would like to wait a bit. We had a break before for 4 days, because of this issue. This was very hard for me and it had a major impact on the relationship. I think from then it went downhill. This triggered my separation anxiety and commitment issues and therefore I was not always a great girlfriend. But I decided to go into therapy a couple of months ago for the reason that I wanted to work on my relationship and work on myself. 1.5 month ago, he broke up with me, after we went out with a couple of my friends and according to him, I was flirting with guys in the bar and not paying enough attention to him. Yes, I talked to guys and I might have not paid enough attention to him. I have to admit that I was drunk. This is very uncool of me. I know. The next day, he said he couldn’t do it anymore and that he wanted to break up with me. He also brought up the fact that I doubted once. I was really really upset. Two weeks later, we exchanged stuff and one week later, we called because we had to cancel our holiday. I was still very upset. He asked to speak in person to explain why he had broken up. I told him that I still had hope to get back together, so we decided to not talk at that moment face-to-face, but postpone it. He was also very angry that time. Four days ago, I saw him on the street. He came to me and we had a short talk. He seemed very happy to see me, but he had to leave because he had an exam to go to, so the talk was very short. Next week I will see him at the airport. We booked flight tickets and we could not cancel them anymore. So we will both go. I will bring my mom and I know he will go alone. I think this might be the last opportunity for me to speak to him. I still deeply love him and I am pretty sure he also still cares about me a lot. What shall I do? To be honest, what I would really like to do is to start seeing whether there might be a possibility in the future to start dating again. I do not think that we should go back together now, because of all the resentment there is between us, but I am willing to work on myself to improve myself and to show him that I deeply love him and care about him. So my question: Will there be any change that my ex might have doubts about the break-up? And what shall I do when I see him next week? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afstandsbediening Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 Anyone? I am pretty desperate :/ Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 He thinks you are an overly flirty girl & he feels disrespected by that behavior. Being an immigrant in a world that is hostile to immigrants these days, he also has some insecurities. You don't say what continent he is from but if its one where women are more subjugated to men, he will have a difficult time processing your independent Western ways. Are you willing to totally overhaul your whole personality & be this meek, deferential woman who relies totally on her man? If not, leave him alone to find somebody who can be that for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afstandsbediening Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 Actually he is from the same country as you are. He got invited to work here at the University. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 First off that's an odd name to call yourself, remote control? Welkom op onze website mijn vriend. He's got a bit of insecurity with you chatting up other guys. You may interpret it as normal talking, but he interpreted it as not being loyal to him. You've been in so many encounters now with him, that he is trained to expect you to be disloyal, despite the fact you are trying to reassure him. The way to fix this is to start on the right foot at the very beginning of your relationship, and at the same time, be clear on what type of man is your ideal. Can you be honest to yourself and describe your ideal man? You will have to start with your next boyfriend early and discuss boundaries for you and him. Can you be honest with what you learned from this relationship, and predict what a future boyfriend might want you to improve about yourself? I would suggest while you are transitioning in between boyfriends, to read the book Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus, to learn the inherent communication differences between the genders. This relationship failed due to bad communication. You will learn a lot from this book. Also - you ever had a conversation with your boyfriend like this? Try your hardest to set things right from the beginning the next times. Het komt veel aan op de manier waarop men iets zegt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afstandsbediening Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 One more thing. He is aware of his jealousy. He went to a therapist, however and unfortunately her English wasn't that great. So since then we have been looking for an English speaking one. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 it will take dedication to reinvent your image in his eyes, and I'm glad to see he understands his jealousy. Best wishes finding a better therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afstandsbediening Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 Thanks Garcon. Do we speak the same language? I am not sure what you are implying with that YouTube movie? Still any advice for when I see him at the airport? Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 I used to live in Delft as a little boy so I remember some of the language. What I am implying with that movie is that if you feel yourself getting into a conversation like that, step back and consider both parties communications styles and innate love languages. In that way it won't feel like two people fighting with each other but refusing to compromise. At the airport just be as friendly and as congenial as you can. Make it your mission to learn his personality and background, backwards and forwards. Link to post Share on other sites
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