Insecurity in relationships

[Quorky]

I'd appreciate your help on this. I am a 34 yr old woman. The main thing I look for when starting a new relationship is whether the guy wants me a lot and shows it, that's when I give the relationship a shot. I've never managed to make a guy that I was attracted to fall for me.

 

In my last relationship, I was overall very happy with the way he treated me, he was very attentive and caring. I never managed to trust him due to his past life (divorced after having a 5-yr long affair with a 20yr old woman), or think highly of him. But we stayed together for 7 months because we had a good time together and treated me very well.

 

The problem is that there were certain times (in previous relationships too)when something happens and then I think he doesn't care much for me. Then I withdraw, and get very emotional. For instance, he says he loves to cuddle up with me after we make love. But there were times when he wanted to leave and go sleep in his own bed after sex. Or, there was a time when we visited a friend's place, we had separate single beds. The first time we stayed there, we made love and slept in the same tiny bed, or he would hold my hand til I fell asleep. The second time we visited 3 months later, he went to sleep in his own bed, he didn't even say goodnight. I felt so bad, but I did not say anything. I thought that if I say something, he'll be attentive again but just because I asked him to. I also rarely initiate love-making. I feel that if he doesn't initiate things then that means he doesn't want to make love to me. Then I feel bad but still, do not initiate things...

 

Sometimes when I feel this way I withdraw and sometimes I over-react. I want to change this! Do you have any suggestions what causes this reaction and how I can change it?

[d.s.]

It seems like you are an extremely needy person and require a lot of attention. Many guys have been in relationship like that and try to avoid them because they feel like they can never make the woman happy. You should try to find ways not seek this attention or try getting it from other places. You should have family and friends where you can get this attention.

 

In my perspective, there are people out there that are caring and do want to make you happy every second of your life. I am actually that type of person, but if you get hurt just once, then it is all blown away. If you find a person who is older than 34 and has never dated- maybe you will find such a man! Therefore, I suggest you lean towards your family/friends for that extra attention.

 

There could be a million reasons why he decided to sleep in the other room. You shouldn't feel afraid to ask him why he slept in the other room. You seem to expect that he knows how you feel. Men are supposedly stupid according to most women, so sometimes you need to explicitly state what you are thinking. You seem to have a communication problem that you have to overcome. Don't be afraid to talk to him and tell him or others how you feel!

 

Good Luck!

 

HTH,

 

d.s.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Sometimes when I feel this way I withdraw and sometimes I over-react. I want to change this! Do you have any suggestions what causes this reaction and how I can change it?

 

Have you always felt this way, or is it unique to this particular relationship?

 

Also, would the emotional distancing be bothering you as much if you didn't already know about his history with cheating?

 

Perhaps his past has in some way already planted a seed of doubt.

[rschief]

a book, and it talks about how sex before marriage causes many problems in a relationship. it talks about amnon and tamar of the old testement in holy bible . it is a helpful book for taking back ground from sin. even if you are not religious, the book gives ideas for realationships and how you can help you. i hope you read it. it is easy reading.

[likewtf]

I totally know how you feel. I get many of the same feelings in my relationships. I find myself changing from this smart, confident woman in my professional life to this pathetic needy woman with my relationships. I question everything. Why didn't he sit next to me on the couch? Why doesn't he want to be with me tonight? If he doesn't want to have sex does that mean he isn't interested in me anymore? etc etc. Its very draining.

 

Any advice would be great.