Made a mistake. Stood up GF at wedding due to misunderstanding. She dumped me.

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

This is my first post to this forum, but I have been reading for the last month now. It is nice to know that there are so many caring people out there and so many willing to offer their help and support to complete strangers. Thank you all...

 

I am not one to post in forums, but I need some advice and hope someone can help. I had been very serious with a girlfriend for a couple of years. I have had longer relationships but have never been so in love with someone or felt so loved before. Everything seemed to be going wonderfully. (This is her only serious relationship, other than a one serious relationship that lasted during highschool into college.)

 

Towards the last few months, I began getting distant. I was finishing up my last year at a graduate program and was behind due to a car accident I had between my 2nd and 3rd years. I was in my 4th year when all of this took place. Because I was so behind, the administration was constantly reminding me how behind I was and that I will most likely be reclassified. This was a major stressor as I felt that I would be a failure. To complicate matters, my grandmother who I help care for (she lives in a retirement community) began developing early symptoms of Alzheimer's disease. In addition, I found out that my mother had just been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and her time left was not clear. All of these things really caused some depression for me and I began to withdraw more and more from my girlfriend. She had a hard time understanding this but was still as supportive as she could be. The problem was that I began spending less time with her while working hard to finish my clinical requirements and running back and forth taking my grandmother to the hospital after spending all day seeing my own patients. I was really running myself down.

 

My girlfriend ended up planning a special trip for my birthday and for my graduation (which at this point I was not sure of finishing on time). We spent the week away and things were not as good as they used to be. Most of it was my fault as I was not communicating with her how I stressed I was feeling and I had become somewhat depressed with all that was going on in my life. I had a hard time showing her how much I did appreciate her.

 

To make the story short, we came back from our trip and there was one week left before her sister's wedding which I was supposed to attend with her. We were both under a lot of stress at this point, her helping her sister organize the wedding and me with my own problems. We didn't talk much and I felt that she was now withdrawing from me. My reaction was to do the same and we didn't talk much. Two days before the wedding, one day before she was to go to the rehearsal dinner of which I was not attending, she made a comment. She said, "I'm going to be real busy at the wedding and won't be able to spend much time with you. If you are going to have a problem with it, then don't bother coming." I was annoyed and irritated with her for saying that. I let her know how I felt and asked her if that was a way to take back her invitation. She said it wasn't but that's just the way it was. I asked her if she would be bothered that I didn't go because it seemed like she didn't care if I went or not. She said that's not what she meant.

 

The day of the wedding I kept thinking about what she said and realized how distant we had become. I had a bad feeling and thought if I went, we might end up in an argument and perhaps things would be better off if I didn't attend. I realized after the fact what a mistake I had made. I really hadn't been thinking clearly and I think that everything that was going on in my life at the time just clouded my judgement. We made a few calls back and forth that day and I told her I could still make the evening reception. At this point, she was very upset and more misunderstandings occurred. I did not attend the reception.

 

I gave her a day or two to cool off and think about all that had happened. I told her how sorry I was and tried to explain to her that I haven't been myself for awhile and have been under alot of stress. I told her I didn't want to spoil her sister's wedding and that being there with the way things were between us might not have been a good ideal.. She was upset and told me she was embarrassed and humiliated and she let me know that I hurt her very much.

 

This wedding was in July. We talked a few days later. There were several conversations we had and she told me how hurt she was and she doesn't know if she wants to continue our relationship. She said she still loves me very much and misses me all the time. She just is scared now that I will hurt her. She also let me know that she always thought I would be the one she was going to marry and that I never showed any signs of committment during our relationship or never let her know that I was planning to marry her. This caused her some dissapointment because I was almost done with my program and she was wondering what my plans were and if I was just going to pack up and leave. This was not the case as I had planned all along that I was going to be with her. I have always been afraid of committment and marriage because of my parents and siblings divorces, but I always felt she was the one for me. I just failed to let her know.

 

The problem is we talk and see eachother. Sometimes she opens up and will tell me she still loves me and can't stop thinking about me. Then she tells me she doesn't know if she wants to try to fix things because she is scared and doesn't want to get hurt like that again. I have told her that I truly love her and realize my mistakes of not letting her know how much I do love her. I told her I do want to marry her. She now tells me why didn't I tell her before? Why did it take her breaking up with me to realize it. I tell her I don't know... Sometimes it takes these kind of things to make someone realize how much they truly love someone. She then gets upset with me because she says she has always known she loved me and wanted to marry me.

 

I don't know what to do anymore... So much has happened in the last two months.. At first, she would still come to my place and we would watch a movie or have dinner. We were even intimate 2 weeks after this all began and that was the last time. One time two weeks after that when she said she wanted to come over to sleep, we began being intimate but she stopped it and started crying telling me how much I hurt her. I held her close for the rest of the night and told her how sorry I was and how much I love her.

 

We still talked for the next month. Sometimes she was nice and told me she loved me, then when she realized she was getting closer, she would back off and avoid contact for days. Then she would come back telling me how much she misses me and she doesn't know what to do.

 

A month and a half into this is when something happened that brought me to my lowest point in my life. I felt my heart rip inside of me. The only other time I have had that feeling is when I lost my little brother. A week before we had been to dinner on Aug 11. During that dinner, we had the best time together since all this has happened. She held my hand during dinner and told me how much she loves me. She made plans for us in the future and told me she wants things to work but is scared still. She said she wants to take it slow. I understood. I did ask her during dinner if she is seeing anyone else or dating. She said no and I said are you sure? She said I swear to you I am not. She said she still loves me and is not ready to see anyone else. The following Monday I did something I had never done before. We have eachothers voicemail codes because we have used eachother phones in the past. I hadn't heard from her for the weekend so I decided to check it. I heard two voicemails from me and then to my horrible surprise, I heard the following two:

1. Some guy on the phone says, "Hey babe, its me. You seemed a little upset tonight when we talked. I'm not sure why you don't want to talk about it. You are doing to me what you said not to do to you. I'm not mad at you but was hoping you would talk to me about it.

 

Apparently she doesn't call back but sends him a text. This is the next message about half an hour later:

2. I just got your text, don't worry, I'm not going out tonight so we can talk. I'll stay home and go for a ride or something.

 

I have never in my entire life, cheated on any girlfriend. It was the one thing I had always promised myself because I saw how much pain it caused my mom when my dad did it to her. This was the worst feeling. I was heartbroken. I called my brother and cried like I haven't cried since losing my brother when I was a teenager.

 

I left her a few voicemails after that. I told her now I know why she hasn't wanted to work things out. That how could she lie to me and swear a few days before that there was no one else. She texted me and said that the only one she was seeing was me. That there never has been anyone else. I was so distraught, I went to her place the next morning before she left for work. She answered the door. I asked her how she could lie to me and swear to my face. I told her I heard the voicemail and asked her if she was going to lie to me again.. I told her it was her chance to tell the truth. Again she sweared that she wasn't seeing him. I asked her what kind of friend calls you babe and says he misses you? She said its some guy who has this big crush on me. There is nothing there. I am not seeing him.

 

I do something the next day that may surprise some of you. A good friend of mine who knows what was going on said if you truly love her and believe her, get her the ring to show her you mean business and would marry her. I did it and suprised her at work. She ended up saying she can't take it right now because things between us aren't fixed yet. She said it's not a good time because we aren't even together. I asked her if it was because of that other guy. She said no! I have no feelings for him, there's nothing there. I only have been talking to this guy for two weeks! I'm not seeing him!

 

Well, I didn't know what to believe. The next two weeks were the most agonizing of my life. We decided things were getting really stressful and we shouldn't see eachother for awhile. I phoned her at the end of the week on a Sunday and left a voicemail saying I had some of her stuff I would bring to her. Told her I understand how she feels and that if she can't make up her mind I need to move on. She texted me and phoned me several times a few hours later. I was already gone and didn't bring my phone. She said she is very sad and wants to talk. The next day she sent a text saying she missed me the whole weekend and was sad. That was August 20, 1 and half months after missing the wedding.

 

Since that time, she has told me that that guy on the phone knows about me. She told me that she told him she is not ready for a relationship because she just got out of one and still cares about and has feelings for her ex, which is me. She also told me she doesn't want to see other people but still wants to see me as a friend and work on that before we move ahead. She told me she wants to spend more time with her friends and family so she doesn't think about all of this so much that it is getting too stressful for her. She also told me she still doesn't know what she wants but that she loves me and misses me.

 

I had a hard time believing her at first about the guy who she said nothing is happening. After talking to a few of my friends who are girls though, they say it is common for a girl who is brokenhearted to spend time with a guy she is not attracted to and had no intention of being with to get over missing her ex. Maybe someone can help me with this. I want to believe that she is telling me the truth and I think I do believe her, it just hurts to know that she even was talking to someone else. I have asked her several times since if she wants to see other people to see if she still wants me and she says no. She says see is not seeing anyone and is not ready to.

 

So, It's been a little over two months since this all began. I have told her many times I love her and care for her. Sometimes we hang out and all is well and we start getting closer, and then for no apparent reason she starts pulling away and doesn't contact me for days. Then she comes back telling me how much she misses me and thinks about me all the time. Then we will have a great week with her callign me all the time and talkign before we sleep then meeting up the next day for dinner, etc... Then it starts all over again with her getting distant. We have talked about things and when I ask her if she still loves me and misses me as much as she says she does, then why don't we try to fix things? She says shes still scared and starts crying...

 

I truly love this girl.. I know she always dreamed of marrying me and I let her down the day of the wedding and along with that, I kind of shattered this dream she had of me. I am sorry and have told her. I promised to give her a fairy tale wedding and I truly meant it.. I have even apologized to her family.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel that NC may be too harsh since I was the reason for the breakup. I also feel that the more I try, the more she pulls back.. I don't know what to do. Is there a chance to fix this? Do you think she might come back if she truly loves me as much as she said she does?

 

Thank you for reading. Any advice is appreciated.

 

My last gesture to save things was to make a webpage for her and post a letter. I think that maybe if her friends who are telling her what an ass I am might read it, they might realize I am sorry and I do love her. I also, maybe naively, think that if she sees the length I have gone through to show her I do care, maybe she might forgive me and give us a chance. I am usually reserved and do not talk about my feelings. By me posting my apology on the web for her and all of her friends and family to see I am truly sorry and I do love her, she might realize my intentions are true and perhaps not be as scared. It might also help to heal some of the wounds I have caused her and relieve some of the embassment. I don't know...

 

Thanks again and sorry for the long post.. I just really need some advice. I'm heartbroken..

[DesertDweller]

Maybe I'm not understanding this: She's THIS upset because you didn't go to the wedding? Am I missing something? You sound like a responsible man who goes out of his way to help everyone. Your girlfriend sounds like a selfish, spoiled and immature girl. Imagine if you were married and you didn't go along with her wishes (especially after she insulted you, no less!). Would she divorce you? That's manipulative behavior. I will add that I think she's also a liar. The voice mail from the other guy indicates that she confides her problems to him. That's unfaithful to you. I think she's looking for an excuse to screw around; and your absence from the wedding was it. But don't take my word for it. Ask your friends and family what they honestly think of her. IMO, you deserve better.

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

Thank you for your post DesertDweller. I am really confused right now and hurting. Any advice from a third party is helpful. I know it seems like she blew things out of proportion, but she is the sensitive type. Also, her sister has pretty much told her that she better not ever get back with me, so their is alot of pressure there.

 

As for the cheating type, I know she probably used this person to confide in, but I am having a hard time thinking she might have slept with him within the month that we were apart. Also, she never has lied to me before, so I really don't know. I would hate to think that something happened.

 

Also, she seems to be throwing a lot of things at me and saying how I didn't show her I appreciated her and that she was unhappy the last several months.. =/ She said we could have worked everything else out, except me missing the wedding... Still not sure what to do..

 

Thanks again.

[DesertDweller]

Hi again. By the way, I'm sorry to hear of your family's health problems. I can tell you have your hands full. I hope some other, wiser, readers will post their opinions to your problem and possibly offer you some relief. Hang in there!

[Merin]

Wow... this was a long post...

 

I didn't read the letter, sorry...

 

Anyway... it sounds that the 2 of you have both been under a great deal of stress leading up to the events that have taken place... however I must also say that while I understand your GF being upset that you didn't come to her Sisters wedding with her, I guess I cannot understand as the other poster has said her breaking up the relationship over this SINGLE event... even with the other stresses of life going on.

 

The Voice mail deal... I can tell you I have Guy FRIENDS call me babe, or sweetie... this, that, the other... and they are ONLY FRIENDS of mine... I also call other people names like this regardless of gender... now I won't say this other Guy doesn't have an interest in your GF but I believe what she said about nothing going on....

 

HOWEVER at this time I also believe your GF isn't so willing to get back into the relationship because I do think she wants to look around so to speak and make sure of you...

 

Where you go from here.... well I've got to say unless or until the 2 of you find better ways to communicate and handle the stress of life TOGETHER in a way that works for BOTH of you... getting married would be a mistake.

 

Hang in there

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

Thanks for the posts.. It's been really tough the last few weeks. This is the first time I've cared so much about a woman, and I feel awful that I screwed things up. Your advice really means alot to me and kind of helps me feel better knowing what she may be thinking and what may have happened.

 

Thank you.

[Merin]

Thanks for the posts.. It's been really tough the last few weeks. This is the first time I've cared so much about a woman, and I feel awful that I screwed things up. Your advice really means alot to me and kind of helps me feel better knowing what she may be thinking and what may have happened.

 

Thank you.

 

You're Welcome

 

AND honestly IMO you didn't screw it up... takes 2 to tango...

At this point do the right things for the right reasons... feel me on that? Don't ask her to marry you out of fear ask her to marry you because it's really what you want...

 

Don't accuse her out of insecurity, but try to remain rational (I know it's hard) and communicate with her how you're feeling...

 

Heres the crappy cliche'.... Tiempo... give her some time to gain some perspective, and IF the 2 of you are really meant to be and the love is strong enough on both sides it will work out in the end...

 

Dont'cha hate cliche's? LOL I have the feeling the relationship will be okay with enough respect for one another, COMMUNICATION and time....

 

 

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

We used to see eachother every day and I really miss her. Sometimes if I don't call her for a few days, she is so happy to hear from me and tells me how much she misses me. Then other times, she gets really distant and doesn't take my calls.

 

It makes me really sad and confused. I really miss her. I want to call her, but I never know how she is going to respond... Sometimes we end up having a great conversation, then other times it goes back to the relationship and she gets real sad and starts crying and tells me how awful she felt when I stood her up and about the empty seat next to her the whole night and how bad it felt when everyone asked where I was.... =(

 

I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm kind of worried that if I back off completely, she may think I really don't care enough, but then I think if i constantly remind her I'm here, she won't ever have a chance to miss me...

 

What do I do? If I back off, it seems so hard to do when I care about her so much...

[suegail]

You're blaming yourself so much for all this, and yet she is the one who kind of set you up for failure. I know that had someone said to me "I'm going to be real busy at the wedding and won't be able to spend much time with you. If you are going to have a problem with it, then don't bother coming," I would have taken that as somewhat of an insult. You were to be her date for the wedding. How were you expected to feel? I would have reacted just as you did, minus the guilt. I would not have gone and I would not have worried about it and I would have been the one waiting for the apology. It was a pretty lousy thing for her to say. That's the way I see it.

 

I hope things work out for you two. You've done all you can, (more than most men would do) to make up for any misunderstandings and to show her how much you do cherish her. It's up to her now.

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

thanks suegail...

 

I just wish she would realize it. It's so hard to understand why she is pulling away so much. She told me she had always thought I was the one for her. Her mom told me after we broke up how I was the only one she ever brought home to her family and all told them I was the one for her and how much she loved me.

 

I think this is why I am having such a hard time with this all. If she loved me that much to want to spend the rest of her life with me, why give up so easy? I know she loved me and did more for me than any other girlfriend. I know I didn't always show her how much I appreciated it. I have tried so hard these last few months to let her know I will always show her. I have sent flowers to her work every other week, arranged romantic dinners, brought her gifts, etc...

 

Her complaint seems to be that why didn't I do more of this before. I have told her I know I didn't do it enough, but I do mean it when I tell her I will from now on. I have always been a man of my word and promised her I will always do what I can to let her know I care and I have learned from my mistake of not showing her enough..

 

I always kissed her goodbye in the morning and told her I loved her. I always let her know I loved her when I said goodnight.

 

I just don't know why she is being so hard on me.... It makes me real sad.. I try to stop thinking about it, but have a hard time understanding how it is so easy for her to just stop talking to me for days when we spent all our time together before.. I just don't know..

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

I just want to get through this.. I've never felt this way before. It's such a depressing feeling. I try to rationalize it and I can't... I try to figure out what she is thinking and why she does what she is doing and I can't..

 

She says she misses me and she loves me, but doesn't know.. Why does she make it so hard.. I haven't talked to her since thursday. She started crying again and on friday she left a text that she wants space and doesn't want to talk right now. This after telling me the day before she was so glad I called her (we hadn't talked in 4days) and that she has missed me so much. That she thinks about me all the time.... IM SO CONFUSED!

 

I'm just really sad. I'm also upset with myself because I don't think I realized how much I really loved her until she was gone... I was so wrapped up in things and took for granted that she would always be there.. I screwed up.

 

All my guy friends tell me about all the fish in the sea and about all the girls who would love to take her place.. I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE!! I miss her...

 

I just don't know what to do.. I'm not myself..

[suegail]

You know, I don't mean to sound cynical, but I don't always trust overly emotional people. Some people can bring on the tears at the drop of a hat. I've known people like that. You said she cried, stated that she has missed you so much - thinks of you all the time. However, the proof of that just isn't there. Her actions say otherwise....If she really truly feels that way it seems to me nothing would stop her from being with you, especially after all you've done, which is over and beyond what anyone would have expected.

 

She created a difficult and uncomfortable situation for you over the wedding, and when you reacted as you did (which I do find understandable) she used that as an excuse to pretty much break off the relationship, though you were still communicating, and soon you found out about this other 'friendship' she has, and soon thereafter she's telling you she's interested in maintaining a friendship with you because you're stressing her out, she needs space, she needs family and friends, yet she loves you, she's afraid, has always wanted to marry you, more tears.

 

She's said exactly one thing which makes any sense: She doesn't know what she wants. Regardless of what she is saying to you I think she's very unsure of how she feels about you and about the future with you. If you look at the situation you can see that little by little she's been breaking away and I believe finding excuses to break away. A good example of this is that now after all you've done to prove to her how devoted you are to making her happy she basically calls it no good because you didn't do all that before, which you will recall happened to be during that enormously stressful time of your life when you were trying so hard to keep your head above water at school and you had sick relatives. She seems to disregard all that...Is this really someone who loves you?

 

Luke, I want the best for you, and if she is what is best, I hope it works out for you, but I think you would do well to examine that question.

[DesertDweller]

Hi again, Luke. Sounds like we're all in agreement that your gf overreacted about your absence at the wedding. She was rude and uncompromising. I would strongly suggest backing off. Let her miss you. Otherwise, she may lose respect for you. Your actions are telling her that you will put up with anything from her. You're her willing doormat. You deserve better. As the other poster said, you've made more of an effort than most men would.

[Zoey]

Don't post that letter anywhere public. It is nobody's business but your's and your GF's as to what happened between you two.

I would be pissed if my BF went aroung telling everybody the nitty gritty about our relationship. All anybody needs to know is that you two aren't together right now...If she needs to talk to her friends about it, then she will, and it should be in confidence. Don't post it on a website for her friends and family to read - maybe she doesn't want her friends to know about it! Your relationship is sacred, and the problems you two had were yours alone. If you feel the need to discuss it with a close friend, fine. But, don't blab about it to Her friends and family and hope they stick their noses in your GF's business.

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

Thanks.. It's hard but I have decided I can't do this anymore. All of these questions have come up already and I have tried to understand her. I just can't. It doesn't make sense to me either.

 

As for the letter, I didn't make it public. I just told her where it was. I know it wasn't the brightest idea, but then again, I haven't been thinking straight for awhile.

 

So, we haven't been talking for the last few days. I decided tonight to let her know I was going to bring her stuff over. I had a few boxes of her belongings and I wanted to give them to her because I am moving. I brought her stuff over, took no longer than a few minutes, then she walked me to my car. I promised myself not to get emotional or to let her know I miss her. I didn't.

 

I have been working out alot, and she mentioned how good I am looking. I just said thanks. I was going to get in my car and she initiated a hug. Then tears started rolling down her face. I wasn't going to let it get me this time. I just told her not to be sad. This is for the better.

 

Well, for the first time in so long, she texted me an hour later. I usually am the one to text her. She said, "it was nice seeing you tonight. Look in your CD case.. Goodnight."

 

I get home and in my CD case she gave me tonight, was a letter with two leaves in it. She said, " remember, I picked these up during our so and so trip." Then there were two drawings we had made on a napking during that same trip.

 

I don't know if this is her way of keeping me dangling?? I mean, of course I remember that trip and everything else. I'm not the one who broke up with her. Why give me that and tell me to remember? Anyways, I have decided not to respond.

 

I have also decided I don't deserve this and I need to be my happy self again, with or without her. I'm going to do my best to not text, call or email her. Thanks for all of your input. Wish me luck.

[Fritz]

Good luck Bro, sounds like you've got things squared away for the moment and are doing the right thing.

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

Thanks Fritz...

 

It took a while and I probably did all the wrong things, but I've finally realized with the help of family and friends that I don't deserve this. I understand that she was hurt, but I've done all I can to let her know I love her and am serious about her. Now I'm picking up the pieces and trying to move forward. Now I have to do my best to not get sucked back in...

[smile95]

Oh my! This is not your fault. It seems like she used the wedding thiing to be the excuse to take a break. Beleive her when she says nothing is with the other guy. Sunds like she loves you still, but is confused....as for getting the wedding ring.....a little hasty......but you were emotional and probably wanted to try anything........just wait it out......she knows how you feel. You sound like such a great guy. I wish my ex was that vocal about things. Hang in there. If it is meant to be, it will be. Not suggeting this, but if nothing happens for a while on her part, I would not speak to her anymore. It is too hard to remain "friends" when you have feelings...hopefully, she will come to her senses and see that you are in love with her and that you really are a good guy. Good luck

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

Awww... Thanks Beth!

It was good to hear that...

[smile95]

one more thing.....I have had a smiliar situation(sorta) except my ex would just ignore me and not talk to me- so after I chased him for a while and let him know I loved him to death...I stopped....after he noticed I was not chasing, it flipped. He was going crazy trying to get ahold of me and seeing if I found someone else. I am not saying ignore her, but maybe do not try so hard. She will notice and prob think that you are giving up. I know it sounds like a game, but people really get an ego boost from being chased and when it stops, then they freak. Maybe that will make her see how she really feels? Are you still in contact with her???

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

Well.. We haven't spoke since she came by my place Wednesday night... She brought me over some meds for my leg (strain) and she suprised me with dinner. It was brief and she left.

 

What usually happens is I will call her or text her and she usually won't respond sometimes. Then after not hearing from me for a day or two when if I stop calling, she will answer her phone if I call. She will let me know she has been thinking about me and misses me a lot. Then she might text the next day but won't call. So, I start calling her and the cycle starts over again... Or, there will be times when we see eachother the whole week and talk, then she will just get really distant and ignore me for the whole weekend and take off to her parents or something.

 

Sometimes, she might just call out of the blue and say she misses me. Then, she will act like she never said it the next day. So I decided on Thursday when she texted me to see how my leg was, to not respond. Then on Friday, she texted me again.. She said, I haven't heard from you. Hope your knee is better. Have a nice weekend! I screwed up and broke NC. I tried to text her and call her an hour later and guess what? She doesn't respond. That was Friday. So, the game starts over again and that is when I decided I have had enough...

 

If I do call her, sometimes she answers. If it's been awhile since we talked, she might answer and we might have a great conversation.. Then it goes back to her saying how this is hard for her and how much she misses me. Then I make the mistake of saying, if you miss me that much, why not try to work things out? Then she says how she is scared I might hurt her again and she tells me how awful she felt at the wedding that day...

 

So, I have been kind of talking with her. She does let me know she still loves me and misses me, but she is real confused... That's why I think I should just back off for awhile.. Mostly because this is an emotional rollercoaster for me and also to let her have the space she needs to realize if she truly loves me...

[smile95]

Wow. I would tell her to let you know when she figures things out. That has to be hard on you to get your hopes up and then get slammed. I played that game a long time with my ex and it hurt more to talk then it did not not talk.

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

Well, I did the NC for 5 days and she started to text me.. Told me how I am always on her mind.. She texted me twice on Wednesday.. We decided to have dinner together tonight.. It didn't go well...

 

Well, it's over and done with...

 

Here's what happened. I picked her up for dinner. On the way to the restaurant, she asked me if I was still moving at the end of the month, and where I was moving to. I told her I have a couple of options and told her I'm not sure yet. She told me she was sad that I am moving. I asked her why? She said because I live down the street from you and everything around here reminds me of you. She then said she is thinking about moving also. I asked her why? She said because there's nothing to keep me around her anymore and all I do is get sad when I think of you not being around here anymore.. I then told her that I still have strong feelings for her and want to try. I told her she doesn't have to be sad because I am not gone yet. I let her know that it is her decision to not want to work things out and not mine... that she doesn't have to be sad that I'm not around because there's still a chance for us.. She then started crying silently and we arrived at the restaurant..

 

So, we order and she tells me how much she misses me. She tells me that she still cares about me a lot. She said she still loves me. I told her I loved her too and I still want to marry her. She started crying again.. By the way, not to be sexist, but she is PMS'ing right now I think and she is usually more emotional during this time. So, we decide to change the subject. Again she goes back to us. She tells me how before we broke up, I once took her ring off and put it on my finger. She told me she thought I was measuring it and told her best friend that she thought I was going to ask her to marry yer... She told me how happy she was. I told her I was measuring it and that I did want to marry her. Again she said if I would have asked her before the wedding fiasco, she would have said yes.

 

The whole dinner was very emotional. She told me how she felt about everything. I told her that I was very uncomfortable about what she said about not going to the wedding if I was going to be upset. She then said she only said that because her sister asked her to talk with me before the wedding. She still didn't seem to see what she did contributed to me not being there. She talked about how she gets sad when she remembers how I told her I wanted to open an office with her and have a room in the back for the kids with a playpen.. She started crying again. So many things came out tonight. She then told me that she has never felt this way about anyone and has never missed any of her ex's like she missed me.. She said that once it was over between them, it was over. She told me that she can't get me off her mind. I told her I felt the same way. Another thing that she told me bothered her a lot is a friend I had that used to call me or write to me while we were together. She told me how mad she was at me that I kept talking to the girl when she told me she thought the girl liked me. I told her the girl was married and we had been friend for like 10 years. She asked at that time if the girl ever had feelings for me. I was honest and said at one time, the girl mentioned she always wondered what it would be like if something had happened between us. My girlfriend then said that she didn't want me to talk to the girl anymore.. I told my girlfriend that the girl's dad just died recently and she was going through a hardtime with her husband. That I was only trying to be friend and the girl really had no one to talk to and we were only friends. My ex was upset at the time, but I never realized how much. I only know because she keeps bringing it up. One day this friend sent me an email and told me she thinks she might have feelings for me. At that point, a month or so after me and my ex talked about her, I told the friend to not contact me and that I am with someone I love and care about and if she has feelings for me, it's best not to talk anymore.. I told my ex all of this at the time.. She got upset and said that she had told me and I should have listened.

 

Well, I found it odd that my ex is still bothered by this.. At dinner tonight she asked the girls name. I told her and she said yeh, I thought that was it. She looked up the girl today on the school(the girl is in grad school near me) website and commented to me on the girl.. She said I looked her up today and she's not that cute in her picture.. I said, oh, why did you look her up? I haven't talked to her and told you I don't anymore.. She didn't answer but at that moment I realized how bitter she was about this past friendship. She even mentioned to me that if something were to happend in the future with me and that girl, it wouldn't work out because she was going after you while she was married... I told her she may have been going after me but once I knew it, I ended our friendship. I also told her I was always honest with her.. She went on to tell me how she has driven by my place and sees my light on and wants to see me and gets sad. I asked her why she is scared and doesn't she know how much I love her and that I see where things went wrong and I have changed and will let her know I appreciate her.. She then said NO. That she doesn't want to see the changes because she has blinders on. She said I hurt her so much the day of the wedding that now she is being defensive and is guarded... Well, I had no response.. I just told her that if she doesn't give us a chance now, with someone who really loves her, she might look back later and regret it. That she has her chance now but it's not going to be here forever.

 

We were nearing the end of dinner. I don't know if I should have just let it go, but it has been something that has been bothering me for a long time.. I also felt that I need to know in order to either bring closure and move on, or continue to wait. I asked her if she still thinks there is a chance for us and if she needed time to think. That I would leave her alone and we would have no contact for a month. I asked her if she was sure that we couldn't work it out and if she has made up her mind.. Her answer was NO, that she hasn't made up her mind.. I ask her if she needs time to think about us.. She said she doesn't know. I then ask her the following and I don't know if I should have, but I felt it wasn't fair to me not to know.

 

I asked her if she has moved on and started dating or seeing other people. I asked her to be honest and that I would rather be hurt now and move on knowing there was someone else, than to keep waiting and find out later she was lying to me.. That I would lose respect for her if she is lying to me and that she should respect what he had and tell me the truth. She then got annoyed and said, DONT WAIT THEN... I said does that mean, is there is someone else? She said, No. She is not dating or seeing other people.. I said well, is there someone you are talking to? She then said, I am just talking to different people right now.. I am not dating anyone or seeing anyone.. I am just talking.. I asked her what that was suppose to mean? How is that different than dating? She said she's just talking.. nothing more.. Well, at that point I asked her if talking to people included that one guy from a month ago that I heard call her babe and say he missed her in the voicemail.. She then said her and I are not together anymore and that she is only talking to people, no dating.. I said well, if he's calling you babe and saying he misses you, maybe its not really talking. She got upset and said how she already told me that there was nothing going on with that person and brought up a voicemail I had left her after I heard the message.

 

She said you left a really mean message and I told you nothing was going on... I said it wasn't mean. I left you a message saying how I was hurt, that only a few days before you told me how much you loved me still and that there was no one else.. It wasn't a mean message. I then told her that if she is "talking" to different people, than why does she say she still loves me and misses me. Why not be honest and just let me go? I told her I have put my heart and all that I have left in me to fix things and let her know how much I care about her. I asked her how she can tell me how much she misses me, send me a text saying I'm always on her mind, and say she still loves me, but start talking to other people? Her answer was, "you don't know how much you hurt me that day."

 

Well, I told her that it doesn't make it right. That I cared about her so much, I just can't start talking to other girls knowing I still have feelings for her. At this point, she said she wanted to leave, to take her home. We walked to the car and she turned into a different person. I tried to talk to her and she just shut me out. We got in and I asked her to talk to me and tell me what she is feeling.. I told her that there might not be another chance after tonight.. She said take me home or I'm going to walk.. Well, the drive was only about 5 minutes.. I asked her how she could just leave our relationship and start "talking to someone" in a month and a half while still seeing me. I asked her how she could just start sleeping with someone and tell me she still loves me.. She then got mad and said I'm not sleeping with anyone.. Why don't you listen?.. She said I am just talking to people..

 

Well, the ride home was not good.. She was angry and yelling at me.. I said, "do you want to lose me forever?" She said I don't want to go on like this.. We are done with.. I just pulled up to her driveway and asked to talk.. I said I am not angry or mad, I am not yelling.. I am just hurt that you know I have been trying to fix things and feel like you have been leading me on if you have been talking to people.. I think that maybe she was feeling guilty and her way of reacting was to just shut me out.. Well, I asked her if we could talk and she said no and thats it.. We are not talking anymore... and just got out of the car.. I tried to ask her to stay and she just left... What a way to end things?

 

Maybe I shouldn't have asked about other people.. maybe it was the wrong thing.. For me though, I am not happy being a second choice and I am not going to wait around for her to date or "talk" to other people and then come back when she is ready. I do love her, but I need to love myself and not settle for someone who isn't going to love and honor me the way I love them.. I guess her "talking" to people puts things into perspective for me.. She can say how much she loves me, but by talking to other people, she is not trying to fix things with me and that shows me she doesn't love me enough.. I guess I got the closure I needed.. I have to let her go.. I can't do anything more..

 

I know she was hurt, but it is not fair for her to go on hurting me and leaving me in limbo, waiting.. It's not fair for her to tell me she loves me and text me saying I am always on her mind.. Funny thing is, tonight, on the way home, I asked her.. I said you say I am always on your mind, but I am also on your mind when you are "talking" to these other people? She didn't respond.. Maybe she is still hurt and is using these other goons to get over me.. Maybe she doesn't want to think about how much she misses me.. It doesn't matter.. The one thing I did tell her though, was to let the a##hole who knows about me and is still talking to her knowing she still had feelings for me and I for her, to watchout because when I find him, I am going to give him what he deserves.. I mean that too.. One thing I have never done and never will, is to try to get a girl on the rebound or someone just out of a relationship, especially knowing the people still care about eachother.. It's foul in my opinion.

 

Well, a long letter.. I am just numb right now.. I sat across from her tonight and saw all the things I fell in love with.. She saw them too and I know she still loves me.. Just not enough, I guess.. Well my friends, I have a long road ahead of me.. So much hurt, so many memories.. I lost the girl of my dreams.. I am also hurt that she is "talking" to other people knowing I still care about her and knowing she still loves me so much.. I guess we have our own way of dealing with things.. It doesn't make it right though, and it doesn't make it fair...

 

I don't know.. I can't beat myself for wanting to know if there is someone else.. I do need the closure.. Perhaps she has done nothing more than talk, but that means she has decided to open up to other people and try to fill that void that I left... If that's the case, she is not the one for me.. I know I am going to feel real bad tonight.. and tomorrow when I wake up.. and when the weekend rolls around.. I am going to wonder where she is and if she is with someone.. I know now, that there is nothing left for me to fix, nothing left for me to recapture.. Things are hopeless as far as she is concerned... Perhaps I should have just let it go.. maybe it shouldn't have mattered so much that she is talking to other people.. Maybe if I loved her enough it wouldn't matter knowing she still loves me? I don't work that way though... For me, she is trying to forget me and doing whatever she can to not feel and forget me.. I will have to do the same now.. I am very sad.. Thanks for all the well wishes.. I will miss her and long for the day that I can look back at this as just a bad memory.. I don't want to feel the pain that I do now.. I desperately need to get my life back on track..

 

How awful this feels.. Tonight is the night I realized I have to let go.. I don't even think I want her back.. I will always wonder about her and have lost trust and faith in her.. Pray for me.. I really need help.. I feel so alone, and the one person who was there to make me feel better, is the one who is causing the pain.. I will be okay.. I'm just hurting right now...

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

A wise friend, Dave, sent me this email after I asked him for some advice.. I think this sums up how she is feeling and it helps me to understand why she is not so ready to come back, regardless of how much she loves me or I love her.. It also helps me to understand that she really did love me and that is why she was so hurt.. Thanks, Dave. Here's the letter:

 

We do stupid things and say things we don't mean

sometimes. I want you to seriously consider something

for me. Whatever your excuse for not showing to the wedding....it will NEVER be good enough for your ex.

NOTHING! Why? Because her sister is family...family

wedding's mean one of the happiest days beside

graduation and a birth. When something,especially you,

stands in the way of her expectations and you play a

key role in her life....she is going to be

upset...very upset. I am sure you made her feel a few

of the following things.

 

1) Foolish

2) Unloved

3) Uncared about

4) Probably began to doubt how you really feel about

her or maybe just made a decision based on the wedding

itself.

5.) Shock that someone she love and THOUGHT loved back

would ever do anything like this to her.

 

 

You must remember this....when she thinks of her

sister's wedding, she will think NOT about the wedding

itself ( if so..it won't be a positive thing from HER

point of view) because YOU WERE NOT THERE. YOU

created a really bad feeling in her heart and she is

really, really hurt. She is afraid your a liar and do

not mean a thing you say anymore. Can you blame her?

I have no idea about how you guys were before the

wedding but I believe what you need to do is to leave

her alone. She needs time. She needs time and you

need o give it to her. Your acts of kindness and love

are only being viewed as "He doesn't mean it"..so she

pulls away. Why woudl anyone want to love o get

involved with a liar or someone who is undependable.

Sorry for being a bit harsh but I am merely trying to

point out how she MAY feel towards you. The way you

can love her is to back off and give her what she

needs. If she still cares about you, she will think

of you ... possibly alot. Give her what she asked

for....time. Alllll the time she needs and work on

you for a while.

[NotsoLuckyLuke]

ahh.. the magic of sleeping aids and a little wine. it's just some over the counter stuff.. well.. looks like things are not so great.. one good thing i think is that at least she talked more tonight and opened up.. she told me what hurted her, she let me know how she felt.. she told me how she still feels about me.. she also told me that she hasn't ruled out a chance of us trying again, but she also said she doesn't know if she needs space to think about things.. so, not much more than i already knew, except that she did open up more about how she felt.. this was probably the first time where she really expressed her feelings and anger about that day.

 

she also said something during dinner that she hadn't said before.. when I asked her what if anything is there that I can do to work things out with her.. i forgot that little detail before.. what she did say was, something along the lines of, "you can give me some time for it to stop hurting," referring to the way she felt about being stood up at the wedding. problem is, i don't know if thats a good gamble to take. i mean i do love her, but those are risky odds. is it another test? is she thinking if he really loves me as much as he has been telling me, then he should wait no matter what I tell him?

 

well, i think for me though, the thing about her "talking" to other people kind of turns me off about trying anymore.. its does hurt and leads me to believe that i might just be waiting until she either decides that

 

a)she has got over the wedding and can forgive me, or

b)she tells me later that she has begun to see someone and doesn't see us working out..

 

well, i'd rather leave now then wait around and hurt more later. as a side note, i do believe her in that she is not dating or seeing anyone because, she has never lied during our relationship and if she didn't want to answer something, instead of lying she would just say its personal. who knows.. maybe she is just playing another game and doing another test? see if he stays around knowing there is competition? if he really loves me like he says he does, he should not let that deter him but try harder to show me he loves me? who knows.. i'm tired of thinking about it..

 

Well folks, the sleepy bunnies are here to take me away.. good luck to all of you out there with broken hearts. you've just got another member! guess it's time to move on and really start healing. thanks for listening, it makes things easier for me to express myself like this...

 

goodnight friends.