Boyfriend defended me in a fight but seeing him like that has freaked me out!

[C.RileyRiles]

I'm 25, my boyfriend (I'll change his name to Luke) is 26, we've been together 20 months, living together for 5. He's the love of my life without a shadow of a doubt.

 

(We come from vastly different backgrounds, I've been lucky, I've wanted for nothing growing up, lovely home, lovely holidays, my parents had a bad divorce when i was 15 but other than that my childhood was good.

His was the total opposite, his mum died, he went to care, out of care to live with his dad, his dad went to jail he went back to care. He was put in situations no teenager should be. He doen'st like talking about his past but he is very honest about it, I know that he wasn't an angel.

BUT I don't care, I don't think any less of him for any of that, none of us choose where we start life its what we make of it. It's how we let our experiences shape us. He, honestly, is the most happy-go-lucky, even keeled, sweet, good humoured guy!)

 

Then...

 

We went out with some of my friends, he was driving us along with my best friend & her boyfriend. The rain was awful so the boys said they'd go get the car and me and my friend were waiting in the doorway. Rain was sweeping in so we crossed the road and sheltered by this little alley bit (didn't seem a bad idea at the time).

 

Two lads came up, youngish, he basically said to hand over our purses, one said he had a knife (I didn't know if that was true), they were sort of trapping us by where they were standing - I was scared.

 

Que Luke! He pulled the car up on the other side of the road, jumped out, ran over. I remember this wave of relief he was there.

 

Turns out 1st guy didnt have a knife but 2nd guy did have a hammer which he pulled but Luke just charged them.

 

They really went for him but he didn't seem to even feel it, got the hammer off 2nd guy and then he ran away, I think 1st guy probably would of run off too but by this point Luke just had hold of him. He was just pummelling him, over and over and over.

 

I remember the rush of fear that washed over me... I though he's killing him!!

 

I was shouting at him but he just didn't stop, it was like he couldn't! At this point my friends boyfriend came over and some random bloke that got out his car and they grabbed him, and thankfully he did then stop. He switched back to normal, he was straight over to me cuddling me, asking if I was alright. He was covered in blood, some his, some the other guys.

 

I thought by now these feelings would fade but I still feel really unsettled by the whole ordeal! He thinks i'm being weird because the mugging has shaken me up but it's not that.. seeing him like that has shaken me up! That's not the guy that sings & dances in the car, the guy that sits on the kitchen floor hand feeding my elderly cat, the guy that i wake up next to every morning! That's just not the guy that I know!

 

I get it! I understand! He thought that there was a genuine threat to my life and he protected me without any concern for his own! Even when I was talking to my friend, I said like he seemed to lose his mind for a moment, and she sort of missed my point and said "Ah I know, you're lucky to have Luke, god [her boyfriend] was a load of use wasn't he! He didn't move!" and i walked away from that conversation thinking like, maybe girls are just a nightmare, maybe guys can't do right for doing wrong!

 

I'm NOT scared of him. I know he would never lay a finger on me! I feel guilty that I'm not praising him like a hero like everyone else is. I know he'd be crushed if I told him what was bothering me! But honestly when I look at him I see him beating the life out of this bloke! Some of the things hes told me about his past, like underground boxing in his youth, just seem so, real, now. I have had a different life to him, I've never witnessed that level of violence! I saw a side of him I've never seen and it has rattled me. I just don't quite know how to deal with this, am I being ridiculous? Will the feeling fade? I can't bare the thought this is going to hurt us as a couple. I love him so much.

[Mr. Lucky]

With all due respect OP, who’s side are you on?

 

If I saw someone threatening my wife or kids with a hammer or knife, I’d do exactly what your BF did. And that includes beating the guy until he was no longer a threat.

 

You witnessed something primal, maybe that’s what’s putting you off. I’ll just add, he must care for you very much...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Garcon1986]

I would interpret that as my holy duty as a boyfriend if somebody threatened me or my favourite lady in the whole wide world, and come back and hug my GF. I would self defend enough to end the threat and at the same time yell for the police.

[HiCrunchy]

I wish my boyfriend would protect me like that!! (Not that I have one).

He is such a man, and you should be proud that he loves you so much that he wants to protect you.

 

Be grateful, things could have turned out much differently.

[HiCrunchy]

With all due respect OP, who’s side are you on?

 

If I saw someone threatening my wife or kids with a hammer or knife, I’d do exactly what your BF did. And that includes beating the guy until he was no longer a threat.

 

You witnessed something primal, maybe that’s what’s putting you off. I’ll just add, he must care for you very much...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agreed. Its called fight, flight or freeze. Your bf's reaction is to fight off the threat. Its completely normal especially understanding the context in where he grew up, where fighting off a threat might increase your chances of survival (instead of trying to run or freezing in the moment.)

[Art_Critic]

The guy seems like he is in a lose/lose situation..

 

Fight = looked down on

Flight = looked down on

Freeze = looked down on

 

I give the guy props, he felt both of your lives were threatened and he took action to help make sure you were okay..

 

What would you feel if he had done nothing and possibly gotten injured doing nothing ?

[littleblackheart]

I totally understand how you are feeling. It's unsettling to witness violence, whoever is involved, especially when you're not used to it.

 

Of course it's not ridiculous to feel that way!

 

With that said, he wasn't attacking them; he was defending himself and protecting you - his motives and intentions were good, from your account.

 

Are you sure you can't talk to him about it? It may make you both feel better about it, if done with care and respect for him.

[FMW]

I understand how you feel, but realize that his reaction came during a very specific situation, a dangerous one. He came through for all of you at crunch time. He made an instinctive decision to defend and protect. That's something to admire.

 

Sure, maybe he went a bit too far but in extreme situations it's hard to calm ourselves down immediately.

[Springsummer]

Hey, have you people really read OP's thread carefully?

 

You don't beat the life out of some one (specially youngish ones, didn't have a knife and hadn't even tough OP yet) or kill them just because they post a thread to you or your love ones.

 

That's excessive violent. the boyfriend completely lost and lost control of himself in the process. He can't even hear OP telling him to stop. If no one intervened physically, looks like he will kill him.

 

Don't you people find that bothering? do someone like in this scenario deserve to be killed? the robbers most likely growing up in an environment like the bf. where's the compassion and understand of fellow human being of the bf?

[C.RileyRiles]

With all due respect OP, who’s side are you on?

 

If I saw someone threatening my wife or kids with a hammer or knife, I’d do exactly what your BF did. And that includes beating the guy until he was no longer a threat.

His. Always.

 

I understand why he did, I'm incredibly thankful for the fact he did it. But I didn't love seeing it, and I cant pretend that I'm not having these feelings I'm having! It's *****! I feel guilty that I feel like this, because I should be praising him as a hero like everyone else I know is doing.

 

It's my issue, it's not his.

 

I’ll just add, he must care for you very much...

I know that, I do, and I love him very very much, even if I don't sound like I do

[Chassit]

You have a good man, keep him.

[Springsummer]

I feel guilty that I feel like this, because I should be praising him as a hero like everyone else I know is doing.

 

It's my issue, it's not his.

 

I don't think you have an issue here. I think he is the one who has issue.

 

It's definitely admirable someone who can stand up and defend us. but I don't think a hero will lost control of himself and be violent to such extend.

 

The bf could ended up like those robbers too because of the environment he grew up. we don't think those robbers born a bad person, right?

 

If someone killed the bf, while he was young and try to rob someone, will you say that person is a hero?

[littleblackheart]

Hey, have you people really read OP's thread carefully?

 

You don't beat the life out of some one (specially youngish ones, didn't have a knife and hadn't even tough OP yet) or kill them just because they post a thread to you or your love ones.

 

That's excessive violent. the boyfriend completely lost and lost control of himself in the process. He can't even hear OP telling him to stop. If no one intervened physically, looks like he will kill him.

 

Yes, and that's why OP needs to talk to him. It may have triggered something from his past in him, or maybe he thought the robbers were armed, or maybe he has a violent streak, or maybe etc....

 

The point is, they need to talk it over. It's no good dismissing OP's feelings, it's no good excusing away excessive physical violence and it's also no good dwelling on something that can't be changed so all is left to do is try to find a common ground of mutual understanding.

 

It's never as black and white as we think it is.

[d0nnivain]

C.Riley.Riles

 

Your BF is a hero. Start there so your brain understands what side you are on.

 

Now, you were attacked. You were the victim of a crime. Alone that is scary & upsetting. It alone can trigger P.T.S.D. in you.

 

Along comes your BF & you had to watch him do something scary & primal where his life was actually in danger. Again this is an out of the ordinary violent event. Had it gone horribly wrong & the other guy hit him in the temple with the hammer your BF could be dead or brain damaged right now. Fortunately he's fine. Still the whole incident left you to process violence that you experienced up close & personal. Stop trying to quantify the acceptable level of violence. In the moment, he did what he thought had to be done.

 

What you are having is a stress reaction -- a mild form of P.T.S.D. You need to reach out to a crime victim support team through your local police to get a handle on how to process what happened to you.

 

Do not let this fester. It's about your reaction to the violence, not your BFs heroic & gallant actions.

[HiCrunchy]

I don't think you have an issue here. I think he is the one who has issue.

 

It's definitely admirable someone who can stand up and defend us. but I don't think a hero will lost control of himself and be violent to such extend.

 

The bf could ended up like those robbers too because of the environment he grew up. we don't think those robbers born a bad person, right?

 

If someone killed the bf, while he was young and try to rob someone, will you say that person is a hero?

 

Its hard to be compassionate to someone that can potentially try to kill you with a hammer to face just for your wallet.

 

Yes, the bf might have lost his temper, but this survival instinct is a very strong and primal one. He wasn't being violent for the sake of it, his body was reacting to a very dangerous circumstance. He was trying to make sure that he and his partner live at the end of the day.

[Springsummer]

Its hard to be compassionate to someone that can potentially try to kill you with a hammer to face just for your wallet.

 

Yes, the bf might have lost his temper, but this survival instinct is a very strong and primal one. He wasn't being violent for the sake of it, his body was reacting to a very dangerous circumstance. He was trying to make sure that he and his partner live at the end of the day.

 

look at OP's post:

 

I think 1st guy probably would of run off too but by this point Luke just had hold of him. He was just pummelling him, over and over and over.

 

I remember the rush of fear that washed over me... I though he's killing him!!

 

It's never a question of whether the bf should depend OP. Believe me, a man doesn't defend me in situation like this, I don't think he is a man at all. and no way in hell I can be with him any more.

 

The guy was trying to run away. at this point there is no danger to the OP anymore. but he still beat the life out of him.

 

The primal instinct at this point is pure violent. He was violent for the sake of it.

 

and that is what is freaking OP out.

Edited November 11, 2018 by Springsummer

[carhill]

I can understand your concern OP. We men compartmentalize. That kill compartment is always there. You just, hopefully, never get to experience it. The drive and the skills are what can save lives in threat situations.

 

Back in the day before all the lawyers got involved, what he did was normal, it was called 'teaching him a lesson'. Getting away to strike again teaches nothing. Waking up in a pool of blood teaches. Makes some people think twice. If not, the next time they might be killed. Hopefully before they spawn.

Polite and professional

 

I was raised by a soldier a lot like General Mattis. Talk softly with the confidence to know one can do what needs to be done and be willing to risk ones life to do it.

 

If this type of man is not for you OP, I understand. Free will, find someone else. Billions of us around, all different.

[C.RileyRiles]

I wish my boyfriend would protect me like that!! (Not that I have one).

He is such a man, and you should be proud that he loves you so much that he wants to protect you.

 

Be grateful, things could have turned out much differently.

 

The guy seems like he is in a lose/lose situation..

 

Fight = looked down on

Flight = looked down on

Freeze = looked down on

 

I give the guy props, he felt both of your lives were threatened and he took action to help make sure you were okay..

 

What would you feel if he had done nothing and possibly gotten injured doing nothing ?

 

I am incredibly grateful hes okay!! I know I could be sat by a hospital bed today, or worse.

I know that its not fair and he was in an impossible decision! I know my friend is put out that her boyfriend took so long to do anything at all, its completely lose/lose isn't it and that's so unfair.

I know he acted on his instinct. I have respect and admiration for his bravery and loyalty and courage.

 

Lifes all about margins, and we got lucky last week, it could have been very different.

 

But I saw this whole other side to him. Its hard to see the man he was that night as the same man I know. It was a terrifying situation, and its not that I don't think maybe these horrible boys deserved someone to put them in there place but he was playing Russian roulette with his life, his future, everything! I wanted him to stop for everyones sake.

 

But its his instinct, right. That's his instinct.. personality, character, environment, they all play in and shape us dont they. For him his instinct is to fight his way out. Which I dont think i'm surprised about, i think if you'd asked me i would have said that, but actually watching him like that, it was pretty extream, and at the moment, obviously it was only a week ago, but I just cant stop reliving that!

[C.RileyRiles]

I totally understand how you are feeling. It's unsettling to witness violence, whoever is involved, especially when you're not used to it.

 

Of course it's not ridiculous to feel that way!

 

With that said, he wasn't attacking them; he was defending himself and protecting you - his motives and intentions were good, from your account.

 

Are you sure you can't talk to him about it? It may make you both feel better about it, if done with care and respect for him.

 

Thank you.

 

I might try and talk to him, i jut dont know what to say, i feel so confused! I feel guilty too because i feel like im not supporting him by feeling like this, and that i shouldnt be the only person in our whole social circle who isnt supporting him!

[littleblackheart]

Thank you.

 

I might try and talk to him, i jut dont know what to say, i feel so confused! I feel guilty too because i feel like im not supporting him by feeling like this, and that i shouldnt be the only person in our whole social circle who isnt supporting him!

 

Don't feel guilty for what you are feeling - you were there, you saw it unfolding, and you're the one in a relationship with him, no one else.

 

You can be supportive and still want to broach the subject with him as sensitively as possible - you could ask him how he was feeling himself at that moment, if that's something he's ever experienced or witnessed before, you can gently explain to him that you've never seen violence up close like this before and it unsettled you a little.

 

If he's as kind as you say he is, and if your relationship is as solid as you say it is, he will understand where you are coming from.

[elaine567]

The guy the bf pummelled was the guy who said he had a knife.

He didn't show the knife but he may still have had the knife hidden and had your bf been less aggressive and had treated him more leniently then, he may have stabbed your bf or you or your friend.

It was a desperate situation, potentially life or death really. I think your bf did probably lose it in the heat of the moment, but he couldn't risk him getting free either to do damage, on balance he probably made the best call in the circumstances.

[C.RileyRiles]

The primal instinct at this point is pure violent. He was violent for the sake of it.

 

and that is what is freaking OP out.

I don't think he was violent for the sake of it, I think he was scared, I think his adrenaline was kicking, I think he was raised in an environment where hes had to fight, I don't think hes a violent man, I don't think he gets enjoyment out of it.

But.. the amount of violence that he used was a lot! More than I would of imagined he could of. Its hard to equate that with the man that I've known for almost 2 years, my gorgeous, cheerful, humble boyfriend.

Like I say its just all so fresh, my emotions are just all so over the place!

[Springsummer]

I don't think he was violent for the sake of it, I think he was scared, I think his adrenaline was kicking, I think he was raised in an environment where hes had to fight, I don't think hes a violent man, I don't think he gets enjoyment out of it.

But.. the amount of violence that he used was a lot! More than I would of imagined he could of. Its hard to equate that with the man that I've known for almost 2 years, my gorgeous, cheerful, humble boyfriend.

Like I say its just all so fresh, my emotions are just all so over the place!

 

OK. If you say so. I think you are the best judge of that. We can only speculate according to your posts.

 

You sound very intelligent and analytical, possibly better than any of us her. I guess you just need more time to figure things out yourself.

 

but I don't understand now, if you don't think he is violent. then why are you freaking out? he lost control? then you can just talk to him about that, I suppose?

 

anyway, I don't recall witnessing any violent in my whole life. I have a hard time understand why anyone want to beat the hell out of each other in boxing if not for survival. so I have never watched the 'sport' either.

 

anyway, I don't think it should be a dispute that the use of force is unnecessarily excessive in this case.

[major_merrick]

look at OP's post:

The primal instinct at this point is pure violent. He was violent for the sake of it.

 

and that is what is freaking OP out.

 

Having been in a situation like this (a rape attempt) I just don't see it this way. The primal instinct toward violence is there for a reason....it is a tool! There's nothing wrong with it. If someone attempts to do something bad to you or your partner, you have every right to beat the hell out of them. Once adrenaline takes over, it is difficult to gauge the use of force. You literally become a different person. If you have not experienced this for yourself, you can't judge someone else's actions in the moment.

 

To continue in your relationship, OP, or in life in general, you will have to come to grips with this. You've probably been conditioned to see the government as the only "correct" user of violence. It just isn't the case. You've likely lived in a place where you haven't had to use violence or observe violence...a sheltered place. Your BF probably did not. As some people these days like to say, "check your privilege." You are fortunate to have someone in your life who is loyal enough to fight for you. Be loyal in return! This is probably the best relationship of your life.

 

In my life, I survived a rape attempt. I would have been killed, but my husband arrived and saved me. I was fighting for my life, but I just wasn't winning. My husband got badly hurt in the process, but he bought me time to run, and delivered a well-deserved beating to my attacker. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for his primal instinct. I know he would never hurt me...we've been friends too many years and I know him too well for that. His primal instinct and yes, even his ability to kill is something that I value highly. To me, he is perfect husband/father material.

[major_merrick]

The guy the bf pummelled was the guy who said he had a knife.

He didn't show the knife but he may still have had the knife hidden and had your bf been less aggressive and had treated him more leniently then, he may have stabbed your bf or you or your friend.

It was a desperate situation, potentially life or death really. I think your bf did probably lose it in the heat of the moment, but he couldn't risk him getting free either to do damage, on balance he probably made the best call in the circumstances.

 

 

THIS. You can't assume that the other person in a fight intends to do anything but kill you. My husband leads the security force for our community. He and one of his friends teach that in a fight, you have to intend to kill (even if you don't, in the end) because if you don't have that as your intention, you will be surprised by your opponent and you might not survive. You can't hold back, you can't be nice. You have to accept that your actions can and will lead to someone's death. By the descriptions in this thread, the BF did exactly the right thing.